"Dead is dead and it ain't no different than walking
around if you ain't living.
Living in fear is
just another way of dying before your time"
- The Drive By Truckers
"It felt strange for this to be my death, it didn't feel
My frustration was that my death didn't fit me.
It was the
wrong size, too small,
and I refused to wear it."
Adrenaline for your mind, caffeine for your
Tales and stories from the
street and the rather interesting life of Christopher T. Shields
just never worked for me. I've had VPs of
corporations, bank tellers, librarians, real estate agents, stewardesses, and a
host of other assorted psycho-nut cases. I really ran the gauntlet of the
Twilight Zone when it came to dating. Think of me as the living human dating
filter that kept the really weird girls from ever reaching the rest of you guys.
If you've never had a really weird psycho nutcase for a girlfriend, then thank
me. I had her for you."
Year of Living Dangerously-
was a dark and stormy night..." I've always wanted to start a story off with
those seven words. That particular introduction is so old and used that
it's become quite cliché, even comical and I never expected that those seven words would
ever be the actual beginning of a personal story that would last over five years and still
be going strong after that. It was a dark and stormy night late in October,
1997, when this strange journey began, and like most simple travelers who embark on a
long, strange journey, it wasn't by choice.
But then again, Fate never was much into asking permission of those she weaves into her
The Bio of
BLACK ECHO- Everything you wanted to know about me,
more or less.
Fast Tunes- Just a few songs that Black Echo rewrote. Lyrics posted
Am"- Ode to one of
the greatest Pontiac Firebird models ever produced.
Sung to the tune of Rob Zombie's
Boy"-The Song! -This one has
traveled the Web! It has been on many newsgroups, email groups, and car
sites. It has been further around the globe than I have, which, all considered, is
pretty sad and depressing. I think it currently resides on the J-body.org site,
IIRC. Sung to the tune of Beck's "Loser."
The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment
life is to live dangerously!" - Nietsche
Motorcycle Related Stories and Articles
(circa 1984 to present)
- You might not be riding a REAL
motorcycle if... "Your windshield is three feet wide and four feet
tall." and other classics.
- You might be a SQUID if...-
"You have a fuel injected bike with DynoJet / Factory Jet kit stickers"
" ... as mile after mile of divided black ribbon unfolded beneath my '84 Interceptor.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get her last words out of my mind."
- Interceptor- "Together,
they begin a journey . . . the freedom of the road beckons."
and beneath me, the hot surface of the asphalt roared by like a raging, swollen black
river, threatening to drag me under at any second. I heard the siren song of the tires
against the pavement, calling out to me as I slowly pulled myself upright, easing out of
the curve and onto the shimmering interstate."
- The Redneck and The
Ninja- Don't send a boy to do a man's job.
You might not like what he brings you back.
- Requiem For A Fallen Horse-
"This horse and I, we are moving at two hundred and forty two feet per
second, per heartbeat. Nine tenths of a foot per second per revolution per minute. Complex
strings of numbers, formulas, and the basic laws of physics are all around me, swirling in
the tempest that surrounds my headlong flight into oblivion. It's a physicists fantasy, a
mathematician's dream, a engineer's exaltation, and a simple pilgrim's footsteps.
"Yeah, it's electric." I
shouted back. "I got it over at the Honda dealer, at
the part where they sell the electric generators and stuff." This was getting
good and deep and that's when I decided to reel him in for all I was
good for and all he was worth. "She's got a four
kilowatt Takahashi electric bi-polar generator."
The scoggin nodded in mock understanding. He
couldn't know what I was
talking about since I was making it up on the fly as I went.
"Wealth I ask not,
hope nor love, nor a friend to know me, all I seek, the heaven
above and the
road below me."
-Robert Louis Stevenson, "The
- Why People From Lamar, Jones, Jackson, and Harrison County, MS Should
Never Be Allowed To Drive On Paved Roads- one of my more intense web-rants from years
ago. I don't really have to worry about anyone
locally finding out about it though, people from these four counties are, by
and large, illiterate and think that electricity is powerful magic.
- You might drive like youre from Lamar,
Jones, Jackson, and Harrison County, MS if
If you've read the above article, this bit needs no introduction.
Ever mess with people's minds, you know, just because you can? - I
have, every chance I get.
KISS Concert- The Force can have a powerful effect on the weak-minded.
Roommate from HELL - I've been dealing with inbred redneck hee-haw stumpfuck hill scoggins for nigh on 25
years now. This is just one of those stories from my college years.
Office Humor- my early years as an IT professional.
Impressions: On the road
shorts and photos of the
ridiculous crap I see...
- The best of the small
town newspaper 'for sale' section- What a rich source of humor; inbred hill scoggins
trying to sell cars in local newspapers.
- The Ghetto-Stang...
A good reason why it should be against the law
for decent, God fearing white boys to
listen to (c)rap music.
- The Other
Ghetto-Stang... Because one is just not enough. The world needs more
might be a Ricer if... - the definitive
Rice- feedback via email to me regarding the above list, and my response
to that feedback. It seems that some ricers got their little itty bitty
feelings hurt. Awwww.... they're so cute with their Pokemon
themed Honda Civic.
- Cheap Rice-
When you can tell someone is serious about show, and knows nothing about performance.
- A Trip to Hooters-
first and last night out on the town with Jeff, my ex-police partner.
The World's Dumbest Comic Book.. -
Presenting the world's first professional football player with super powers.
It gets dumber. Trust me, it gets a whole lot dumber.
- Make The Dealer Pay For Advertising On Your New Car-
It's not like
you owe them anything and they're not doing you any favors. Face it, the dealer wants
as much of your money as they can get. Here's how to get some of your money back...
"She sees the word "computer network hub" and freaks! I mean she freaks like
she's a bank teller and I've just handed her a stick up note.
"You need to take this to TECHNOLOGY!" she growls,
a few bubbles of spit flying out at me but fortunately not having enough muzzle velocity
to reach their intended target."
DEsPOT 2: "The
Monobrow Cowboy" - "
... business owners
and managers alike were begging, literally begging for any help
they could find. There is an old saying; “beggars can’t be choosers” and when
it comes to employees, I was about to find out the
hard way just how true that saying really is."
Second Gen F-body Related Stories
(circa 1984 to 1995)
How not to run from the
Mississippi Highway Patrol- The '79 Trans-Am
outruns and outsmarts a Mississippi Highway Patrol unit. The trick is later tried by
a high school friend and his '81 Z28, but with not quite so equal results...
- No Substitute For Cubic Inches-
My black and gold, 403
cid powered '79
Trans-Am waxes a '86 Ford Mustang GT in a street race
in Jackson, MS.
- Redneck Sex- What fun you can have when you're evil and you have
borrowed a sampling keyboard for the weekend.
Third Gen F-body Related Stories
(circa 1990 to present)
the Third Generation- Just some recollections and musings on my
teenage years and of living in the time when dinosaurs still cruised the
Earth. Ten long years, from 1982 to 1992, the life and death of the
third gen F-body and I lived through those years as a sports car crazed
teenage performance junky.
of the 3rdGen Pontiac Firebird Formula-
Pontiac's answer to the Ford Mustang LX 5.0 was a muscle car in its own right
and pulled no punches on the street.
Medical Research for Ford Owners- Ah, the much
'Horse Whipper' post, you simply must read it!
- First Blood- The Lingenfelter
406 motor's first kill! A new black LS1 Z28!
- Thank God For
The WS6 Suspension- A little bit of skill and a lot of luck in a Formula vs. 18
wheeler encounter on a back county two lane.
- Black Echo Gots Much
Bass!- You just have to read this one... if you hate people who think a 500 watt
stereo is a 'performance mod.'
- Not A Good Day For Mustangs...
Unbelievable, two examples of why any sports car should only be sold after the buyer
passes an IQ test.
- What A Morning!-
the simple fact that money can't buy brains...
- 4th Gen Owner
Pays For His Arrogance- Proving once again the simple fact that money can't buy
Young Grasshopper... Your Kung Fu is no good ! -Well,
there was this clueless ricer named Rob who ...
- In Search Of... The Ultra Low
Production Fourth Gen Formula Trans-Am - Is it a Formula? Is it a
Trans-Am? It's both! That would make this a
"Transmula" or a "Formula-Am," I think...
- I Met Barbie's(tm) Mother Yesterday...
And you thought that Beowulf had it tough when he faced Grendel's mother...
for Brains- Well, there
was me, a riced-out Mitsubishi
Eclipse, and a state trooper...
- The 295 horsepower stock LG4-
"Well, they put it on the computer and he asked if the
motor was "stock." The Pontiac technician looked at the computer and said that according
to the computer, the motor was putting out 295 horsepower and that it was factory.
They must have made a mistake at the factory..."
- Everything I needed to
know about life, I learned from 3rdGen owners- proving that the ability to pick
up a tool is not always a clear indicator that you are a higher form of life.
Just ask the monkeys who drive third gen F-bodies. Or better yet, don't
ask them anything unless it's about professional wrestling, NASCAR or
Pontiac GTP Related Stories (circa
1999 to 2005)
- Pontiac GTP vs. BMW 328i-
Poindexter in his Bimmer learned not to mess with the Dark One.
- 'Twas The
Night Before Christmas- GTP vs. a ricer, classic remix with kudos to the original
- Pontiac GTP vs. 9 second Chevy
Blazer - "It runs 9s in the quarter, in four wheel drive, with all four
wheels burning rubber all the way down the track..."
Yeah, right... Sure it does, Sparky.
GTP vs. RS Camaro-
Well, the situations you get yourself into when you have a supercharger
and the other guy doesn't ...
Turn- Payback is hell, but only if you're on the receiving end.
“Awesome job, compadre.” I said
sarcastically, giving him a thumbs up with my gloved right hand.
Autozone Related Stories
"As Seen on WWW.CUSTOMERSSUCK.COM