Rice For Brains ...

Friday, long day at work, heading home, to the west, setting sun in my eyes all the way, but I’m listening to Filter’s "Nice Shot" so I’m doing OK. About Oloh, MS, halfway through Lamar County, I look in the rear view mirror and see a black Mitsubishi Eclipse coming up on my rear fast. I don’t make anything out of it, yesterday was Veterans Day, so the cops were not really out, but today, I had personally witnessed three MHP on this one stretch of road alone, setting up speed traps. Must be making up for their day off.

So, about Lamar Salvage, this black Eclipse pulls up around me and gets on the side of me in the left lane. I casually glance over, he’s got all the tricks. Bigger rear spoiler, light covers, some Kanji down the side, chrome rims, and tinted windows. He revs it high, and surges ahead. I ignore him. I’m not going to waste time with this four banger, even if he’s a turbo. I’ve got better things to do and I’m sure that somewhere ahead one of Mississippi’s Finest is probably waiting like a trap door spider to catch this jerk.

He revs his engine again, I don’t hear the blow off valve so I’m assuming he’s not a turbo or he’s all show and no go. Just an injected four. I turn the music up a little bit louder and this guy makes a huge show of blowing past me. He revs it high, dumps his clutch and takes off. I watch him go, verifying that he’s just a four banger, not the top of the line turbo model. I see the coffee can exhaust and just shake my head. He must be doing a hundred miles an hour, easy, he’s running away from me in that stupid kind of display of speed that the immature or uninitiated often show to others. I mean, he’s going so fast that by the time I get to the top of the hill I’m climbing, he’s already at the top of the NEXT hill! I guess it made him feel big, he could brag how he had dusted a 5.0 liter Firebird Formula.


I’m doing 67mph in a 65 zone. I keep it set there, thinking about the long night ahead at Autozone, what I have to do tomorrow, etc. I get to the top of the next hill, and this guy is STILL got the afterburner lit! He’s running 100mph flat out and he’s going up the next big hill, I watch as he gets to the top and …

His brake lights come on bright, and he visibly hauls down from speed. A few cars around him also hit their brake lights, so I know what’s over the next hill. I start to smile. Gotcha, moron.

I’m closing in on the hill, and what do I see come OVER the hill but a ominous black Ford Crown Vic "Interceptor", sans lightbar but with that ever familiar gold state of Mississippi logo on the doors that identifies it as a Highway Patrol unit. I see the MHP Interceptor casually start to slow, he’s in the left lane approaching me, and I look down.

67 in a 65 zone, surely he isn’t going to bust MY nuts over that… Surely he saw moron ahead driving like a complete idiot… I’m pretty sure he’s not after me, so I don’t even hit the brakes or slow down, I keep it at 67 and in cruise, listening to Filter again for like the 5th time since I started home (I sponge a lot, listening to one song over and over until I get sick of it…) and then I see that the MHP unit has made a U-turn at a cross way in the highway. He pulls out and I’m watching in the rear view mirror. I see his strobes start to flash and the rear sit down as the front end goes up into the air. Man! He’s really punching that heavy tank!

Now, if any of you have never heard one of these Interceptors come past you at speed, in pursuit mode, it is something quite nice, if you are a diehard gear head and you like to hear engines scream! So, I see this MHP Interceptor fast approaching in the left lane behind me, strobes going, no siren. I roll down my window and flip the CD to mute. I want to hear this.

I’m not disappointed.

When the MHP unit flies past me, it sounds like a jet engine! He is hauling some serious ass! He pulls away from me a LOT quicker than the ricer ever did and he’s just getting faster! I know who he has in mind to tag, that should be obvious. After he’s gone a little ahead, I speed up just a little to keep him in sight. I see the ricer ahead, DOING THE SPEED LIMIT (too late now, moron), trying to act normal now, like that’s going to save him. The MHP unit is going faster than the ricer EVER was, it’s neat to watch one of those heavy cars, in the distance on the highway, here’s one big black dot rapidly moving to intercept another smaller black dot. I see the MHP unit pull up near the ricer, like he’s going to pass him, then I realize he’s just verifying that THIS is the ricer that he identified, looking at the kanji, etc., and then he slides in nicely behind him with all the grace of a F14 moving to the six o’clock position behind a MiG for a gun kill. Then, like some bizarre duo, the ricer puts his turn signal on and the two pull off the side of the road in perfect synchronization. It was neat to watch, and I felt good, my instincts are usually right on, so no I didn’t race a four banger Eclipse with my TBI Firebird Formula, I had better things to spank him with. I think I had a lot better outcome of that challenge than he did!

I cruised on past the ricer and the MHP pulled off on the side of the road and I honked my horn twice as I passed, and stuck my arm out the window, giving the ricer the "thumbs up" sign.