So, you think that you ride a REAL motorcycle. Well, you better check this handy
reference guide and think again. The results might surprise you! If what you are currently
riding looks like the example shown above, then there is very little hope for a cure.
If you have problems with or don't
understand any of these terms, that's ok! Check out SPO and the speed definitions there. That section is for newbies and recent
You Might Not Be Riding A Real Motorcycle If ...
- Your motorcycle has a reverse gear.
- You don't kill bugs with your helmet.
- You installed a cup holder.
- Your wheels have metal spokes.
- It takes NO skill to ride.
- Your motorcycle has more than two headlights.
- Your motorcycle has a redline below 10,000 RPM.
- Your motorcycle has a heater.
- You have to use an intercom to talk to your
- Your motorcycle won't wheelie (aka "You
Can't Get The Front End Up Without A Crane" Syndrome).
- The dry weight is greater than 550 lbs.
- Your motorcycle has a trailer hitch.
- You have a hardpoint for the attachment of a
- Your motorcycle takes longer than 5 seconds to get
- Your motorcycle doesn't have a chain.
- Your motorcycle is more loud than fast.
- Your seat is right over the rear tire.
- Your headlight has a shroud.
- Your tail light has a color dot.
- You have a cruise control.
- Black is the only color that accessorizes well.
- You need more than two people to put it on the
- It has a center stand.
- You installed a sissy bar.
- Tattoos are required for ownership.
- Tasseled chaps and vest are the proper dress code
- The riding position is perfectly comfortable.
- Your passenger has a full seat behind you.
- You got your helmet at a WW II Axis surplus sale.
- You have a tattoo of your bike.
- You're the sixth owner in four years.
- Your wife has a tattoo of your bike.
- There is a plastic skull over your headlight.
- Your rearview mirrors are shaped like German iron
- Your windshield is three feet wide and four feet
- Your motorcycle has a 40 channel CB, and a AM-FM
- You have an antennae on your bike.
- You paid more than $14,000 for a USED bike!
- Your seat has springs under it.
- You have matching studded leather saddlebags.
- Your helmet has a spike on top of it.
- Your grandfather rode a bike just like it when he
was a young man.
- Most of your bike's highway time was spent tied down
in the back of a pickup truck.
- Your rear tire has a mud flap.
- Your riding buddies are named "Skull",
"Bone", and "Skeeter".
- You have more than 4 reflectors on your bike.
- You ever had to worry about jack-knifing the trailer
that you were towing behind your bike.
- You got a free logo embossed wallet on a chain
promotional when you took delivery of your bike from the dealer.
- You can't adjust your suspension.
- Your dog likes to go for rides on it.
- Your passenger can fall asleep while riding.
- Your spark plug caps light up.
- You have to turn your headlight on manually.
- Your engine isn't liquid cooled.
- Your air cleaner rattles and shakes when you twist
- You have floor boards instead of foot pegs.
- You have six cylinders, six carburetors, and still
can't get down the quarter mile in less than twelve and a half seconds.
- Your bike has more colored lights than a Christmas
- Your engine size is measured in cubic inches instead
- You ever bought or installed billet aluminum
accessories for your bike.
- Magazine ads for your bike feature bearded
overweight older men with odious personal habits and a fetish for leather and chains.
- The head mechanic at your dealer has both arms
covered in tattoos and answers only to the name of "Snake Daddy."
- The name of your motorcycle includes any of the
following words "Heritage", "Classic", "Vintage",
"King", "Glide", "Tourer", "Retro",
"Road", "Highway", "Dyna", "Ultra",
"Springer", "Soft", "Hard", "Tail", or
- No one looks at you funny when you ride into a truck
- The same people who built your bike just introduced
their own line of cigarettes.
- The only instrumentation on your bike is a big fat
speedometer that goes all the way up to 85 mph.
- The name of your bike doesn't include a capital R
somewhere in it.
- You ever installed highway cruising pegs.
- The dealership where you bought your bike is not a
place you would take your children.
- The dealer offers a line of black leather
accessories for your model.
- You bought it because you thought that others would
think you were bad.
- People lock their doors when you pull up next to
them at an intersection.
- You paid good money to have someone pin-stripe it.
- At idle, your pipes are louder than the stereo in
the low-rider next to you.
- You installed a windshield that raises and lowers
- You just spent three hours polishing chrome and one
- Your engine has less than four valves per cylinder.
- You can ride it on and off the street.
- The ignition key goes in on the side.
- Your bike has any kind of mural or artwork on
- Your exhaust pipes have fins on the tips.
- You have to kick-start your engine.
- You have your nickname or CB handle etched into your
- Your engine has case crash guards installed.
- It has a trunk.
- It has more than two wheels and is street driven.
- The Shriner's Parade has bikes like yours.
- A aftermarket company offers a trike conversion kit
for your particular model.
- Your speedometer is located in the top of your gas
- Your motorcycle has more than 40 pounds of chrome on
- Aftermarket companies don't make carbon fiber
ANYTHING for your type of bike.
- People can hear you riding from two miles away, with
the factory pipes.
- Your motorcycle has parts from more than five
different models, from the factory!
- The company you bought your motorcycle from makes
more money from selling logo T-shirts and wallets on a chain than they do from selling
- The Japanese build a better model.
- Your bike is in the dealer for factory work more
often than its on the road.
- You had to wait for a year on a waiting list just to
get your bike and / or pay a non-refundable deposit.
- The angle and position of your handlebars keeps your
hands higher than your shoulders when you ride (aka Ape Hangers).
- Truck drivers like it.
- Your brand new bike wouldn't even crank at the
- You have to put both feet on the ground when
- You have tassels hanging anywhere from your
- Your ass is less than 2 feet off the ground when you
- Your quarter mile times are greater than twelve and
a half seconds.
- Your highway pegs keep your legs spread wider than
the stirrups at a gynecologist's office.
- You have over twelve hundred CCs of engine and less
than a fifty horsepower.
- You ever thought about installing a small block
Chevy and a Powerglilde.
- Your bike is brand new from the showroom and still
looks like it was made in 1944.
- You ever dropped your bike on its side and instantly
did $400 worth of improvement to it.
- Your motorcycle was built in Milwaukee.