"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted
you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."
- Anne Lamott-
"It felt strange for this to be my death, it didn’t
feel right. My own frustration was that my
death didn’t fit, it was the wrong size,
too small, and I refused to wear it."
- Christopher T. Shields - "The Year of Living Dangerously"
"Well I was born an original sinner.
I was born from original sin.
And if I had a dollar bill for
all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money
piled up to my chin."
- Eurythmics - "Missionary Man"
(CIRCA 1969 to PRESENT DAY)
"All men's gains are the fruit of venturing."
Early Life - Pre-Driver's License ( >1984)
- Dedication - Some people you never forget, some people you never forgive. The long and short of it, credit where credit is due.
diapers and swinging wrenches -
(1971) - "In
hindsight, when I think that everything that my father ever needed to fix
anything in our lives resided in a greasy, dented, faded, olive drab surplus
Army ammunition box, and when I look at my two huge rolling tool kits in my
garage each stock full of well worn tools, I find it all a bit strange that
my father did so much with so few tools and that I need so many tools to do
what little I do. Yes, I believe that there was some kind of special magic
in that old surplus Army ammo box, just like that big top hat that Frosty the
- Pron of Yore - (1977) - Did
you ever find porn in the woods when you were young? I did ...
many times! Maybe there were porn fairies or something.
- Heritage USA's Paint-N-Play Sets - (1981) - "The late 1970’s really hold some great memories for me in regards
to toys and hobbies and just generally having a hell of a good time as a child.
That was a time of “Star Wars”, dirt bikes, Dungeons and Dragons, the Terran
Trade Authority handbooks, skateboards that were half the size of the boards
today and … Heritage USA’s “Paint ‘n’ Play” sets."
- A Flamethrower of My Very Own ... - (1981) - "Gasoline
was a liquid, so I rationalized, and therefore the Cosmic Liquidator
should be able to squirt a high pressure stream of gasoline ... and then
if I could somehow light that stream of gasoline on fire I'd have ... "
- Transcript for Podfaster - Podcast #1 - The Preamble - "For
most of you this is the first time you've ever heard the voice behind
goingfaster.com which is probably a bit of a shock there for some of
you … seeing as how it’s not all great booming thunder coming out of
some fiery cloud. For those of you who don’t know I am the host
of this podcast as well as the owner and creator of Goingfaster.com …
but we’ll get to all of that shortly. I will assume that you’re
here because of my website. If not then you’ve somehow stumbled
onto this podcast by accident and, God help you, you’re about to waste
a substantial part of your personal time and a part of your life that
you will never be able to get back. You might even need therapy
- “The 1970’s – Growing up in the decade of gloom, despair and doom everywhere.” - "The
1970’s were like a kind of Purgatory for the kids who lived through
that time, a Purgatory from which we sprang forth into the 1980’s as
New Wave or Punk or Headbanging metal listening space age whiz kid
teenagers and then fell into the 1990’s as young college age adults
bombarded with our first assault of broad spectrum, no talent ass
clownery in pretty much all forms of entertainment media. It’s
like for three decades, the ‘60’s, ‘70’s, and ‘80’s, America was
rocking and rolling and then we hit the 1990’s and everything just went
straight to hell."
- The First TIme I Ever Ran From The Law - (1982) - "Charbonneau
shouted “Cop!” and I came to a sudden stop in the middle of Fuller
Street, turned the moped around, and gunned it back for the mall. This
wasn’t an easy task with a teenage boy sitting behind me, suddenly
thrown forward into me by deceleration forces, but somehow I did manage
to both come to a rapid stop and walk the moped around in a 180 degree
circle then gap the throttle back for all I was worth. I
have no idea why I did that … maybe I’d watched Mad Max too many
times. Right then it just seemed like the right thing to do … run from
the cop on a moped. "
"Mamma's gonna worry
I've been a bad, bad boy
No use sayin' sorry
it's something that I enjoy"
- Ozzy Osbourne - "Flying High Again"
Junior High and High School - 1984 to 1987
- My First Car ... Her. -
(1984) "I found her for sale in The
Advertiser, a small, weekly published local trade paper that ran discount
ads across several counties. She was a 1978 Chevy Camaro, she was my first
love and even though our relationship would only last a little over two
years that relationship would become the stuff of stories told for years to
come and would provide precious memories that would be carried through
decades to come long after she was gone."
- The Ten Minute, Late Night, Last Chance, Beer Run - (1985) "I stared down
the lonely two lane that was Lincoln road; ill-lit, faded traffic markings,
mostly trees and undeveloped retail property that quickly led to
subdivisions and light commercial areas centered around a Shell gas station,
a bank, and a semi-strip mall with a liquor store and a Winn Dixie grocery
store, both of which did just enough business to keep their doors open.
There at the far west end of Lincoln road, this boring two lane city street
teed off into south 40th avenue and at the end of south 40th avenue, at the
corner of highway 49, was a Texaco gas station with a pretty good beer
selection. The problem, of course, was getting to the Texaco station in less
than ten minutes and having enough time to spare for Rick to run in and get
his beloved brew."
- The James Gang - (1983 - 1985) - "From
the fall of 1983 through most of 1985 I had two
really good high school friends; James and Steve, each a year older
than I was. Our meeting ground was Hattiesburg Prep and I
tell you how we became friends just that one day there I was, a
they were sophomores and somewhere in the fall of 1983 James and Steve
Together the motley three of us had a strong friendship
and when we hung out we referred to ourselves as “The James Gang” since James seemed to take lead most of the time in
suggesting what to do when it came to hanging out and having fun. All in all we were t-shirt, jeans and
sneakers wearing teenage hooligans coming of age and having a blast doing it."
- Fast Love, Bad Love - (1985) "Pam was an attractive and nicely built blonde … with long sometimes curly
hair down to the upper part of her back and dark blue eyes. She
really filled out a pair of blue jeans in all the right ways but she
wore way too much makeup and it was because she really didn’t know how
to apply all of her makeup that gave her a rock band groupie look most
of the time. The fact that it somehow actually worked to make her
attractive on such a base level was purely accidental rather than the
result of her frequent and often frantic efforts to apply it. The
truth was that Pam was the kind of girl that Tom Petty usually wrote
songs about and, God help me, I had an affair with her."
- Something Old, Something New - (1986) - "She
was sitting there in that big gold ’76 Lincoln Continental Mark IV
parked next to my ’78 Camaro Rally Sport with less than fifteen feet
separating us. She was an older woman, mid to late thirties if I
had to guess, long brunette hair cut in a style that was popular a few
years ago. She wore a cream colored sun dress, two thin straps
over her shoulders, and Wayfarers. She was looking at me, her
arms crossed on the door sill of her car and her chin resting on her
How Not To Run From The Mississippi
Highway Patrol- (1986) "My
black finger-less gloved hand slipped from the steering wheel to the gear
shifter as my right foot went straight to the floor. The big 403 cubic inch
V8 under the hood screamed as the four barrels of the Rochester Quadrajet
opened wide. The last bit of sunlight glinted off the large three-toned gold
Firebird decal that blazed across the top of the hood. The shaker scoop
slammed hard to the right in its hood opening as the accelerator met the
carpet on the floor. I slid back in my seat as the power from the big cube
motor came on strong and even, effortlessly accelerating the old Pontiac up
- Meeting Flynn - (1986) - "
was, working on my ramped and chocked black and gold ’79 Pontiac Firebird Trans
Am in my parents’ driveway, changing the oil and this guy comes idling up in his Cameo Ivory ’69
Pontiac Lemans two door convertible.
Being a car guy my first thought was that the drop-top Lemans was
a pretty sweet ride. My second thought was "what the hell did this guy want?"."
- The Day Flynn's Goat Ran Away - (1987) - "Clutch
in, row the Hurst shifter forward into third gear, side step the clutch, chirp
the rear hides. The 400 was
roaring, air was being devoured by the two open hood scoops, being
drawn down into the Rochester Quadrajet four barrel carburetor lurking
there underneath, mixing the air and fuel and providing the engine with
what it needed to plant us so far back into the seat cushion. I
shifted to fourth gear with an easy row and a lighter step on the
clutch. Final gear and I had the accelerator matted to the floor
as far as I could push it."
- Girl Money - (1987) - "I
did run straight motor.” Flynn said, stabbing Cooper in the shoulder
with his finger on the hand that was holding the flask. Cooper reached
up to knock Flynn’s hand away but Flynn was quicker and Cooper just
swiped at empty air. If Cooper had knocked Flynn’s
flask out of his hand or spilled whiskey from the flask I dare say that
Flynn probably would have used his bare hands to just kill Cooper
right there. As it
was, while Cooper was almost blind with rage Flynn was as cool as I’d
ever seen him before. In fact, Flynn did something that only made
Cooper even madder … Flynn smiled at him and it was the smile of a cold
"We were riding high like flames against the sky
Innocent and wild, we were playin' with fire
Too hot to touch, you can't call it love
But it's close enough to be playin' with fire"
- Lita Ford - "Playing With Fire"
Hinds Junior College and Jones County Junior College - 1987 to 1990
- Cody - (1987) - "Cody
always had this wild air about him, something he probably got from his
father. His natural boyish good looks were something that made me
jealous because he seemed to have been born with the innate ability to
get women to desire him without even having to break a sweat, women
just naturally gravitated to Cody because he was “cute” in the way that
most guys who ever graced the cover of magazines like Bop or Tiger Beat
were “cute” to girls. Overall, Cody had been born gifted with
looks and the only thing that made it worse was that not only was he
fully aware of that fact but that his awareness of his natural born
gift could sometimes come across in annoyingly narcissistic ways."
- Vanity plates - (1987) - "I
looked back out the window again, trying to imagine Robert Edward
driving the brand new red Nissan 200SX that kept taking up two parking
spaces in the commuter parking lot. Somehow I could see
I’d gone to high school with kids who had parents who were loaded and
they usually got brand new cars when they turned fifteen and got their
driver’s license and then again when they’d graduated high
school. None of them knew a thing about cars but they had some of
the most expensive, most powerful and most complex machines on the
planet. 200SXs, 300ZX Turbos, Chrysler Lasers, Fiero GTs, Chevy Camaro Z28s and Pontiac Trans Ams,
Ford Mustang GTs, Chevrolet Corvettes ... all brand new."
- Debby Lee - (1987) - "My mother had always told me not
to play with matches and the match that I had inadvertently struck with Debby
Lee was rapidly turning into a wildfire.
A tiny little rational part of me kept whispering that I was going to
get burned if I wasn’t careful but I found that the reckless part of me could
out shout the rational part and it could do so with amazingly little effort. I realized that the rational part of me, at
this point in my life, cowed down all too easily."
- Don't mess with Texas - (1987) - "Here I was at
Kathmandu’s, with Cody, on ladies night and that is why, I had to remind
myself, that I was rolling over the hood of a ’83 white and tan Camaro Z28 and
that people on the driver’s side of the Camaro were moving out of the way of
where I was going to land. The hood
abruptly ended which wasn’t that big of a problem since the asphalt pavement on
the other side rose up to catch me. The
pavement wasn’t quite as soft as I had hoped it would have been."
- Teddy bears with sharp sticks - (1987) - "Hanging out with David Herrington
wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t been so damn fat and annoying
and when I say “fat” I mean that David wasn’t a little guy by any
stretch of the definition. David may have only been five foot six
inches tall but he weighed nearly three hundred pounds, very little of
that was muscle and gravity wasn’t his friend at all. In fact, gravity
was kind of a bully to David, a constant bully. His body style was
best described as “lumpy”, in fact, that quickly became my personal
nickname for him when he wasn’t around (and sometimes when he was
around, if he annoyed me enough). Cody thought that nickname was
hilarious and even started calling David by that nickname when it was
just Cody and me together."
- Expiration date - (1987) - "Eat me, fat boy!” And then David did something that I somehow
knew that he was always capable of.
David grabbed Cody’s hand, jerked it to his mouth … and bit Cody as hard
as he could. Cody screamed louder than
anybody I’d ever heard scream before and pulled at his hand. Tears were running down David’s face now and
Cody jerked his hand free, holding it up, looking at the teeth marks on his
palm and back of his hand."
- Fire in the Supra - (1987) - "And then we could see smoke and smell
something burning … carpet? Seat
material? Plastic? When we started to smell carpet burning Cody jerked
the Supra off the road and into the first parking lot he could find because
something under Debby Lee’s legs, down in the floorboard of the rear seat of
the Supra was definitely smoking a lot now, enough to smoke up the interior of
the Supra and even more smoke was wafting up now around the back of the fallen
The Roommate from HELL - (1987) "I fired off the aerosol hair spray at the same time as I flicked the lighter to
life, aiming about six inches over his face, creating an instant blow-torch of joyous
chemical pyromania which lit up the darkened room in a mixture of shadows and shades that
could only come from Dante's Inferno. The flame was close enough to singe some of his
eyebrows into melted balls on the end of his hairs... tiny
little lollipops from Hell's own candy store."
- No Substitute for Cubic Inches-
(1987) "The Trans-Am leaped out of the hole, it's rear tires spinning and smoking
as the car fought to get traction on the black top, leaving a long set of
dark black marks as the Safe-T Track limited slip rear differential locked
up. The front end rising as the torque of the small block peaked. He
let off the gas and walked the Pontiac out of the hole. Almost sideways. He
was forced back into his seat by the instant torque being produced, over
three hundred and twenty pounds per foot of torque. The seatbelt locked up
on hard acceleration."
- Redneck Sex- (1987)
"Hiding my TA behind the apartment complex, where the darkness and shadows
blended with the black paint, also kept the scoggins from getting any bright ideas like using my car as some pagan altar
for their strange breeding rituals. Images of tangle-eyed skanks getting bent over the
fenders and rear spoiler of my car as a prelude to hours upon hours of wild knee slapping,
harmonica playing, inbred bumpkin sex chilled my blood. I mean, I had just had the car
professionally painted not six months ago, the last thing I wanted on my paint job was
tracks and claw marks from Lee Press-On Nails ™."
- All good things - (1988) - "Maybe not all pilgrimages centered around
enlightenment or fulfillment. Maybe the
most successful pilgrimages were failures if only from the point of view of the
pilgrim on the journey. Maybe some pilgrimages
were just meaningless journeys where you wandered a path you thought you needed
to wander, where you learned something to get you on through life and where you
finished the journey not with some grand enlightenment but rather with just
enough of your soul left there at the end of your pilgrimage to get you back to
where you started from."
- The Coolest Part-Time Job in the World - (1988) - "The gas powered model was faster than the electric
powered model but we still raced them on occasion and every now and then,
depending on who was driving, the results were surprising. I hated changing out the natural gas cylinder
(located just behind the seat) on the gas powered model … that stuff stank and
you usually vented a little taking the old tank off and putting a new tank
on. When we were bored, we would often
hop on a forklift and do daredevil stunts with them. One time we hooked a heavy duty chain to the
tow pin of the battery powered forklift and the gas powered forklift and had
County Market’s first ever Forklift Drag-A-Thon. All that really happened was that the
forklifts stayed in place and spun their almost bald tires. We had expected the gas powered forklift to
drag the battery powered forklift from one end of the backroom to the
other. The results of the first ever
County Market Forklift Drag-A-Thon were less than spectacular thus insuring
that there would not be a second ever County Market Forklift Drag-A-Thon to
- Joy - (1988) - "There came the sound of loose gravel being
crunched under the tires of the Pontiac as I slowed the TA about twenty feet
from her and dropped the transmission back into neutral. Gravel crunched under her boots as she walked
on the old asphalt and then she was there, standing beside us. Flynn turned in his seat to look at her as
she stood there beside the passenger side door, one hand on her hip, one hand
on the strap of her guitar, looking at us expectantly and a concerned, maybe
even angry look on her face. I tapped
the gear selector switch with my gloved hand.
There was an overall surreal feeling to the moment."
- Chasing Smoke - (1989) - "This was the fifth time in the last four months that I’d
been along with TJ when she bought and the third time that I’d been with her
when she bought from this particular seller.
Something about her seller just kind of got to her, creeped her out, and
after meeting him for the first time I could understand why; the guy was a real
lech who tried to be anything but so here I was, again, with her, buying from
him again. When I asked her why she did
business with this guy if he creeped her out she told me that he had good
stuff, really good stuff so I just shrugged my shoulders and chose not to
- - (Coming Soon) - Flynn's Creek Water Park - (1989) "Flynn’s Creek Water Park was one of those cherished
memories of my late teenage and early adult years that still follows me through
to my middle life and the later years.
It was a concept drawn out on a napkin during lunch that ultimately became
a place of refuge for a group of social outcasts and outlaws who were just
trying to escape the day to day grind and the oppressive weight of the world
around us. Flynn’s Creek Water Park was
a sanctuary for a small group of rebel souls and renegade spirits who wanted a
spot in the world where they could smoke pot, get drunk, set things on fire,
shoot things full of holes, blow up stuff and generally raise all kind of hell
without any legal repercussions and it came about through some crazy ideas, this
and that, pieces and junk, barter and trade, cash, beg, and sometimes outright
steal … a long series of small steps with everything being done a little bit at
a time by each of us as we could until Flynn’s Creek Water Park had grown from nothing
to something quite epic and special."
- Junkyard Dogs - (1989) - "I squatted down under the nose, one hand on
the bumper, not knowing what I might find … or what to expect. The misshapen lump of human being sprawled
out there on the cement floor of the garage had its mouth open, dirty face up
to the underbody of the old Pontiac. Air rushed into the gaping maw with a
hurricane-like velocity and foul air was expelled with a sound like that of wet
suction. I had found Flynn, all right, passed out
under the Pontiac,
ratchet in hand, dirty shop towel on his chest, and happily snoring away with
all the melodious grace of a constipated grizzly bear. There was a bottle of Jack Daniels near his
right hand, covered in greasy fingerprints, and of course it was empty except
for a swig or two left at the bottom."
- Halloween '89 - (1989) - "I’ve always liked
liquor stores because of the smells and the exotic elixirs that you could find
available for sale there. The shapes of
the bottles and the way that they were arranged on the shelves, the advertising
posters from the various manufacturers, the worn carpet where countless
customers before me had paced these aisles looking for a little bit of liquid happiness. I’ve always wondered how one became a
proprietor of a liquor store … it seemed like really good money that came with
a lot of hardship. Was it passed down
from family generation to family generation like a funeral home operator? Was it something you went to school for to
learn how to do? Did you wake up one
morning and say to yourself “I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with
drunks and potential armed robbers all the while standing on my feet all day
long and listening to bad radio or watching bad shows on a small black and
"I could see a dark side scratchin' at your soul
The risk is sweet as the sin"
-Lita Ford - "Playing with fire"
The University of Southern Mississippi - 1990 to 1992
- Something Old, Something Knew - (1990) - " “Bro!
You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Cody said giving me a quick glance
before going back to playing his game. “No, but I think I may have had an affair with one …”
“Yeah? When was that?” Cody asked not really caring and not
looking up from his game. “A long time ago.” I said flatly.
“Before you and I ever met.” "
- The Cowboy and the Hobbit - (1990) - "I
dropped the CB mike into my lap, grabbed the Formula steering wheel,
and flipped my headlights to bright. I dropped the three speed
automatic transmission from Drive to Super and stomped down hard on the
TA’s brake pedal. The four wheel power disc brakes of the ’79 TA
locked and the nose dove while the tail lifted. Tires screamed,
rubber was transformed by friction into thick smoke and two long black
skid marks appeared on the pavement as the TA slid rapidly to a tail
wagging stop. All I could think about was Joy back there all
alone with The Blues and how I was going to get her out of a really bad
situation. Joy also had my black leather jacket and I was kind of fond of that black leather jacket."
- The best Saturday of all - (1990) - “It’s
a cabin cruiser, not a yacht. Twenty-six feet of length does not
a yacht make.” Cody said. “Says you. That’s a nice damn
boat.” I replied. “Says
my grandfather and he ought to know because he’s been playing with
boats since he was our age. He’s had like, seven … that I can
remember. He’s just had this one the longest. It’s a cabin
cruiser, bro. Sea Ray 268. He bought it brand new in ’89
when I was still up there at Hinds and you were down here at
Jones. I went with him to pick it up and helped him haul it down
to the Coast. It’s not a yacht … it’s just a big, pretty toy that
he can play with and brag about owning to all his stupid gray haired
golf buddies.” “Well, to those of us who don’t have a rich
grandfather that owns a twenty-six foot long Sea Ray 268 cabin cruiser
just sitting in a marina not getting used, it’s a damn yacht.”
Summer of '90 KISS Concert - (1990) "I was finishing up my Saturday route, all 250 miles of it, when
I heard that the local radio station was broadcasting live from a computer store
in a small strip mall and that the next person to pull in and say they heard it
on the radio would get two *FREE* tickets to see KISS in concert in Jackson, MS.
This was when KISS had just come out with the album that had “Forever” on it and
that song was being played to hell and back on the radio. I had never seen KISS
in concert before, I liked their music and
I thought it might be interesting to go see the aging rockers play to a bunch of
John Deere and NASCAR apparel wearing, Skoal dipping simpletons."
- Katrice - (1990) -
"An invitation. My best friend’s house.
A study group of strangers. I had nothing better to do. A
cold September night. 1985 Yamaha Maxim 400. Street lights
reflect from polished black and aluminum. Jeans and a black
T-shirt, harness boots and black leather jacket. Black full face
helmet in gloved hand I walked in like I owned the place. A
chance meeting; you sat alone. Back against the wall, all by
"Drive it on up and let's cruise a while
Leave your troubles far behind
You can hedge your bet on a clean Corvette
To get you there right on time
Now if you're ready to dive into overdrive
Baby, the green lights are on
It's like you're running your brain on some high octane
Every time she reaches fully blown"
- Don Felder - "Heavy Metal (Take A Ride)"
1992 - Graduation from College and The End of All Good Things
- Trading Up - (1992) - “Heavy
duty, competition grade thirteen inch rotors and two piston calipers on
the front, twelve inch rotors on the rear. Four channel Bosch
anti-lock brake system. Heavy duty engine oil cooler. You’ve got twin
electric radiator cooling fans up here behind the heavy duty radiator.
Quick ratio power steering with a power steering cooler. Extra chassis
and frame bracing that wasn’t included on base models. Oil cooler. Power steering cooler. Big solid front and
rear sway bars, heavy duty bushings, seventeen inch wheels and lots of meat at all four
corners. Did I leave out anything?" Sam was silent for a moment, his mouth open in a half formed thought. “Hell!
I was just going to tell you that she’s got twelve hundred bucks worth
of rubber on her and those shoes are almost brand new. I didn’t
know any of that other stuff you just spouted off with … Damn,
son. What do you do? Memorize this stuff?” “No.
I live this stuff.” I told him.”
- The Night I took my 1984 Honda Interceptor to a Sigma Chi Social - (1992) - "It
wasn't the first set of steps that I'd ridden down (or up) on the Honda
but if I dumped the Honda here I'd get swarmed by a bunch of pissed
off, drunken Sigma Chis and that really wasn't how I wanted to end my
- VF500F - (1992) - " ... as mile after mile of divided black ribbon unfolded beneath my '84 Interceptor.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get her last words out of my mind."
- Pulling cowboy for Joy - (1992) - "The important thing is that I was
cranking back shots of Jack Daniels, taken neat, and chasing them with amaretto
sours on the rocks all the while watching the bewildered herd prance, pose and
preen around me in that infinite circus and jest that we call the human
race. I sat there, at the crowded bar, thinking about everything and
nothing at all, alternately putting my mind into gear then slipping it back
into neutral and just letting it rev free. I was wreathed in the
cigarette and cigar smoke of a dozen different brands, the clink of bottles,
the hollow tap of glass on wood, and the useless, never ending banter of value-less strangers that
permeated the bar … the magic of the whiskey condensed it all into a dull roar
in the back of my skull, a collective ambience that was the ultimately disposable
soundtrack of this particular evening."
- The Nine Week Long Goodbye - (1992) - "Nine
weeks spent with each other when we’d wasted two years that we could have had
together, two years that we could have shared what we had to
share. No. Nine weeks together when I’d wasted two years
that I could have had with Joy, two years that I could have shared what
I had to share. In the past few weeks that I’d spent with Joy …
lived more, lost myself deeper, and felt more alive than I’d felt at
any point in the two years before that. This time spent with Joy
I felt like I was living, really living ... instead of just existing ... instead of babysitting."
- - (Coming Soon) - Sometimes God Gives Refunds. - (1992) - "The
Summer of my senior year, my last Summer in college, was one of the
best and most memorable Summers I had ever enjoyed in my life; it
started on the very first day of June and it began with the arrival of
Kelly Rutledge. Kelly was a field systems and customer service
rep for Dynamic Data Systems – DDS, Inc.; a really big computer company
that was courting us to purchase their pre-packaged solution to our
aging library mainframe system and archive setup. She had flown
down from Cleveland into Jackson late on Sunday, May 31st, rented a white convertible Pontiac Sunbird
for the month, drove down to Hattiesburg, checked into the Holiday Inn
on the hill on Highway 49 North and set up her five pieces of luggage for
the long stay. What she was thinking about as she did all that I
can’t tell you nor can I tell you what her expectations or assumptions
were about the job that was ahead of her; I can only tell you what
happened between us while she was here."
"I got a black magic woman
Got me so blind I can't see
That she's a black magic woman
She's tryin' to make a devil out of me."
- Santana - "Black Magic Woman"
1993 Post College to Present
Cindy - (1993) "Relationships
just never worked for me. I've had VPs of
corporations, bank tellers, librarians, real estate agents, field service reps, stewardesses, and a
host of other assorted psycho-nut cases. I really ran the gauntlet of the
Twilight Zone when it came to dating. Think of me as the living human dating
filter that kept the really weird girls from ever reaching the rest of you guys.
If you've never had a really weird psycho nutcase for a girlfriend, then thank
me. I had her for you."
- VFR750F -
and beneath me, the hot surface of the asphalt roared by like a raging, swollen black
river, threatening to drag me under at any second. I heard the siren song of the tires
against the pavement, calling out to me as I slowly pulled myself upright, easing out of
the curve and onto the shimmering interstate.
- Office Humor -(1993) -
my early years as an IT professional.
- Interceptor -
(1993) - "Together,
they begin a journey . . . the freedom of the road beckons."
- The Redneck and The
Ninja - (1995) - "That pretty much brought out that little part of me that
is 110% PURE EVIL. Some of you KNOW how evil I can be when I'm provoked, so you'll
relate to this. I turned to the little boy and rapidly asked him if his daddy was
here at Taco Bell. The boy nodded and said 'yeah', smiling with that ignorant
redneck child smile. I sighed and kneeled, squatting and bending at my knees.
I asked the boy if he would ask his daddy something for me. The little boy shuffled
his feet again and nodded, looking up and smiling, saying 'yeah...'."
Year of Living Dangerously - (1997) - "It
was a dark and stormy night..." I've always wanted to start a story off with
those seven words. That particular introduction is so old and used that
it's become quite cliché, even comical and I never expected that those seven words would
ever be the actual beginning of a personal story that would last over five years and still
be going strong after that. It was a dark and stormy night late in October,
1997, when this strange journey began, and like most simple travelers who embark on a
long, strange journey, it wasn't by choice.
But then again, Fate never was much into asking permission of those she weaves into her
- Requiem For A Fallen Horse
- (1999) - "This horse and I, we are moving at two hundred and forty two feet per
second, per heartbeat. Nine tenths of a foot per second per revolution per minute. Complex
strings of numbers, formulas, and the basic laws of physics are all around me, swirling in
the tempest that surrounds my headlong flight into oblivion. It's a physicists fantasy, a
mathematician's dream, a engineer's exaltation, and a simple pilgrim's footsteps.
- Tales From Behind The Parts Counter-
(2000) "Just because I serve you doesn't mean that I
you." -excerpts from my three years part-time (1997 to 2000) behind the auto parts counter dealing with
utter morons. You call yourselves "customers," I call
- A Trip to Hooters - (2002) -
Saturday was a long day. I had to help move my ex-duty
partner Jeff down to Moss Point for his new job with the MPPD. You have to understand, Jeff is perhaps one of the finest
tactical officers around. He's also about five foot eight. It is a fact that
if God had made Jeff just two inches taller, Jeff would have already taken over the world
by now. Thank goodness for small favors. No pun intended."
- Top 20 General Rules for Successful Relationships - (2004) - "If you want to avoid a whole hell of a lot of misery
in your life then print these rules out, staple or tape them up where
you can reference them and commit your social life to following
them. If you do, you'll be a lot happier. Trust me.
Also be aware that while these rules are set in stone the use of
excessive alcohol and / or illicit drugs may make these rules (in
hindsight) - seem flexible, especially while you are under the influence
of said alcohol or illicit drugs. Be warned! These rules
flexible. If you bend them (or worse, break them!) - then prepare
to pay the consequences that come with your decision to do so."
Electric CBR -
(2005) - "Yeah, it's electric." I
shouted back. "I got it over at the Honda dealer, at
the part where they sell the electric generators and stuff." This was getting
good and deep and that's when I decided to reel him in for all I was
good for and all he was worth. "She's got a four
kilowatt Takahashi electric bi-polar generator."
The scoggin nodded in mock understanding. He
couldn't know what I was
talking about since I was making it up on the fly as I went.
OFFICE DEsPOT -
(2005) - "She sees the word "computer network hub" and freaks! I mean she freaks like
she's a bank teller and I've just handed her a stick up note.
"You need to take this to TECHNOLOGY!" she growls,
a few bubbles of spit flying out at me but fortunately not having enough muzzle velocity
to reach their intended target."
OFFICE DEsPOT 2: The Monobrow Cowboy" - (2006) - "
... business owners
and managers alike were begging, literally begging for any help
they could find. There is an old saying; “beggars can’t be choosers” and when
it comes to employees, I was about to find out the
hard way just how true that saying really is."
- The night my past finally caught up with me - (2010) - “Because these women, whoever they were, were a part of your life and I’m a part of
your life and I want to know everything I can about you. You
are my life and there are parts of you
that I still don’t know about … Parts that you've kept to yourself,
that you've kept from me, parts that you won’t or haven’t told me about
curious. I want to know about the
others, the ones who were with you before I ever was.”
"Her last words ... remembered" - (2012) - "You will always be blue collar, Christopher Shields. Always." It was Friday night, March 13, 1992, and these were the
very last words ever spoken to me by Katrice as she stepped out of my red '88 Corvette and walked away forever.
Like most of the things she had told me while we were dating this, too, would also
never come to pass."
- Aphrodite (with a side
(2013) - "I sigh and step inside Krystal’s. Cool air conditioning. Unpolished chrome. The smells of menu-selected fast food. The pervasive stink of the human race."
1989 Dodge Daytona Shelby Diary - (2014) - Probably the shortest time
that I've ever owned a car ... five months, almost to the day. So
much effort, so much time put into that one car, that one car that I'd wanted since I was 20 years old and then to have it
taken away from me, through no fault of my own, by a moment's worth
of someone else's carelessness and inattention.
- Bending time and space - (2014) - "Computing
... 90%. I wait. Garmin gives me the low-down. It
isn't pretty. Garmin told me that I would arrive at the wedding
at 5:49pm. That's 49 minutes late. Unacceptable. It
is now clear that I must bend space and time, something that the '86
Pontiac Firebird Trans Am and I are really good at doing."
"Dead is dead and it ain't no different than walking
around if you ain't living.
Living in fear is
just another way of dying before your time"
- The Drive By Truckers
- Why People From Lamar, Jones, Jackson, and Harrison County, MS Should
Never Be Allowed To Drive On Paved Roads- one of my more intense web-rants from years
ago. I don't really have to worry about anyone
locally finding out about it though, people from these four counties are, by
and large, illiterate and think that electricity is powerful magic.
- You might drive like you’re from Lamar,
Jones, Jackson, and Harrison County, MS if…
If you've read the above article, this bit needs no introduction.
Ever mess with people's minds, you know, just because you can? -
have, every chance I get.
The World's Dumbest Comic Book -
Presenting the world's first professional football player with super powers.
It gets dumber. Trust me, it gets a whole lot dumber.
- On the road
shorts and photos of the ridiculous
crap I see...
- The best of the small
town newspaper "FOR SALE" section - What a rich source of humor; inbred hill scoggins
trying to sell cars in local newspapers.
- The Ghetto-Stang...
- A good reason why it should be against the law
for decent, God fearing white boys to
listen to (c) -rap music.
- The Other
Ghetto-Stang... - Because one is just not enough. The world needs more
might be a Ricer if... - the
Rice- feedback via email to me regarding the above list, and my response
to that feedback. It seems that some ricers got their little itty bitty
feelings hurt. Awwww.... they're so cute with their Pokemon
themed Honda Civic.
- You might not be riding a
motorcycle if... "Your windshield is three feet wide and four feet
tall." and other classics.
- You might be a SQUID if...-
"You have a fuel injected bike with DynoJet / Factory Jet kit stickers"
- Make The Dealer Pay For Advertising On Your New Car-
It's not like
you owe them anything and
they're not doing you any favors. Face it, the dealer wants as
much of your money as they can get. Here's how to get some of
your money back ... or keep them from continuing to make money long
after they've sold you a car.
- My Toy List - (ongoing) - a list of all the past and present toys that have called my garage home.
"Just another lonely broken hero picking up the pieces of my mind
Running out of faith and hope and reason, I'm running out of time"
- Ozzy Osbourne - "Running out of time"
THIRD GEN F-BODY RELATED STORIES
(circa 1990 to present) -
the Third Generation- Just some recollections and musings on my
teenage years and of living in the time when dinosaurs still cruised the
Earth. Ten long years, from 1982 to 1992, the life and death of the
third gen F-body and I lived through those years as a sports car crazed
teenage performance junky.
of the 3rdGen Pontiac Firebird Formula-
Pontiac's answer to the Ford Mustang LX 5.0 was a muscle car in its own right
and pulled no punches on the street.
Medical Research for Ford Owners- Ah, the much
'Horse Whipper' post ...
- First Blood- The Lingenfelter
406 motor's first kill! A new black LS1 Z28!
- Black Echo Gots Much
Bass!- You just have to read this one... if you hate people who think a 500 watt
stereo is a 'performance mod.'
- Not A Good Day For Mustangs...
Unbelievable, two examples of why any sports car should only be sold after the buyer
passes an IQ test.
- What A Morning!-
the simple fact that money can't buy brains...
- 4th Gen Owner
Pays For His Arrogance- Proving once again the simple fact that money can't buy
- In Search Of... The Ultra Low
Production Fourth Gen Formula Trans-Am - Is it a Formula? Is it a
Trans-Am? It's both! That would make this a
"Transmula" or a "Formula-Am," I think...
for Brains- Well, there
was me, a riced-out Mitsubishi
Eclipse, and a state trooper...
- The 295 horsepower stock LG4-
"Well, they put it on the computer and he asked if the
motor was "stock." The Pontiac technician looked at the computer and said that according
to the computer, the motor was putting out 295 horsepower and that it was factory.
They must have made a mistake at the factory..."
"Some people will tell
you that slow is good-and it may be, on some days...but I'm here to tell you
that fast is better.
I've always believed
this, in spite of the trouble it's caused me. Being shot
out of a cannon will always be better
than being squeezed out of a tube.
That is why God made fast motorcycles ..."
- Hunter S. Thompson
1999 Pontiac Supercharged Grand Prix GTP - (1999 to 2004)
- Pontiac GTP vs. BMW 328i-
Poindexter in his Bimmer learned not to mess with the Dark One.
- 'Twas The
Night Before Christmas- GTP vs. a ricer, classic remix with kudos to the original
- Pontiac GTP vs. 9 second Chevy
Blazer - "It runs 9s in the quarter, in four wheel drive, with all four
wheels burning rubber all the way down the track..."
Yeah, right... Sure it does, Sparky.
GTP vs. RS Camaro- "I glance over at the motor rev and see the black
RS Camaro. Guy looks like he’s in his early 20’s, some kind of dirty
professional shirt (like a mechanic), can’t make out a company logo. He looks
over, revs his motor again. Sounds like a 305, but a weak one. My L03 sounds
better. He has one hand on the wheel, and with the other hand he kind of points
forward. The message is clear; ‘want to race?’"
Turn- Payback is hell, but only if you're on the receiving end.
“Awesome job, compadre.” I said
sarcastically, giving him a thumbs up with my gloved right hand.
"In the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through the mansions of glory in suicide machines "
- Bruce Springstein - "Born to Run"
Fast Tunes - Just a few songs that I rewrote. Lyrics posted
- "On My List - (1993) - Just an example of what happens when you take a popular song and change one word in the lyrics ...
(1999) - Ode to one of
the greatest Pontiac Firebird models ever produced.
Sung to the tune of Rob Zombie's
Boy" - (1999) - This one has
traveled the Web! It has been on many newsgroups, email groups, and car
sites. It has been further around the globe than I have, which, all considered, is
pretty sad and depressing. I think it currently resides on the J-body.org site,
IIRC. Sung to the tune of Beck's "Loser."
- Flora - (2002) - "Flora;
it’s just another pot hole on the state map of Mississippi. It’s a two
hour drive up to Flora then two hours back to the Hub City. I got an
’89 IROC-Z with T-tops and Tuned Port Injection. Overdrive gets me
twenty miles to the gallon when I head in that direction."
- She's So Tactical
- (2007) - A remake of the old Rolling Stones' song "She's So Cold" as
heard in the background of a really good dream I had one night ...
- Steve Buscemi Eyes
- (2014) - Taken from personal experience, I tried a newly opened local
restaurant and the girl behind the counter had Steve Buscemi eyes ...
that and the Kim Carnes song "Betty Davis Eyes" started playing on the
overhead speakers. It didn't take much to put the two ideas
- God's With Me Now - (2014) - Another case of mistaken lyrics becomes a pretty good song for revenge.
"The previous owner supercharged her. Is that going to be a problem?" - Blakenship
"Only if the guy pulling up next to me is driving a Porsche ... and then it's going to be his problem." - Me
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
- Henry David Thoreau
"Stories told, two old friends of battle scars and lonely bars and nights the rain wouldn't end.
Here's to withered eyes wearing gypsy smiles and the day He listens.
Here's to lovely ladies and a million miles and the night she whispers
Ride the wind, never coming back until I touch the midnight sun"
- Poison - "Ride the Wind"
I drive fast because that's when I feel most alive.
people may call me reckless and sane people may call me crazy but there
isn't a better feeling
in the world than a high performance engine
screaming under the hood and raw torque pushing
me back into the
driver's seat. There is no music better than the roar of an
engine at redline
while I'm dancing on pedals with my boots and rowing
through gears with my gloved hands,
driving fast, steering hard,
watching the needles swing through their arc in the
gauges all the while feeling better and better about being
I don't do what I do to be reckless or
dangerous. I do what I do because speed is my life,
fuel is my
blood, each ignition spark is a bolt of lightning striking across the
dark to illuminate my soul
and each rise and fall of a piston is a beat
of my heart.
I am different than you.
I always have been and I
always will be.
You may not approve of what I do but I then again
I don't need or desire
your approval for you are neither my
equal nor my peer.
What I do is not an addiction ... it never has been.
This is a way of life for me.
This is what I was born for.
This is what I live for.
This is my freedom and you will never take that freedom from me.