INTEROFFICE MEMOS...

The most fun you can have in corporate cubicleville is sending or receiving Interoffice Memos.  These are delivered by the hard working mailroom employees (a subspecies of homo sapiens if ever there was one) dilligently all business day long.  They don't care what you put in there, just as long as it doesn't weigh too much.  So sending love letters, death threats, etc. is all part of the game.  It gets delivered without fail, it never gets opened, and best of all, its FREE!  Even shipping across town or to another branch location elsewhere in the state, FREE!  We used IM to the fullest extent to keep ourselves entertained.   Below are some of the choicest cuts from the IM pile.

TO:           Mr. William J. Adcox, Taxes
FROM:    Information Systems
RE:           Lunch

It certainly was an extremely great pleasure to walk all the way over to Forrest Towers yesterday in the broiling Mississippi Springtime heat, and even though Raymond and I didn’t have the enormous gigantic emotional pleasure of meeting with you in person and conducting a power lunch at Love Deli downtown, we were certainly extremely pleased and grateful for the opportunity to stand beside your desk in your office for what seemed eternity and a day while eagerly awaiting your much heralded return back to said office.

We are perfectly willing to humbly forgive you any time or monetary loss that you may have caused us to incur by our occupation of your office space for such a prolonged period of time during our existence here on this transient plane of reality, be that as it may.

Mr. Adcox, you should know that we do ever so much truly and very much value your friendship above all other things and I for one very much want to keep you as a friend or at least call you a friend behind your back ...

Raymond, however, has frequent suggestions of implementing a 'William J. Adcox Memorial Nine Story Plummet Till You Die-A-Thon' from atop yonder Forrest Towers. He likes to refer to the idea as his "cordless bungee" and he's sure it will catch on like the Black Plague.

Please, tomorrow, make plans to join us in a most tax deductible culinary adventure in the heart of this great metropolis at or around whenever Raymond and I decide it is a good time to go to lunch and about the time that we open a communications channel from our office to yours for the speedy exchange of banter.

Expecting to hear from you very, very soon in regards to this utmost important matter, we remain forever

Remotely yours,

Christopher T. Shields
Raymond L. Wilson

(Information Systems Specialists, Fixers of things that don't work no more, and general all around good guys with lots of neat tools and really big notebooks filled with schematics and doodle type things with numbers that nobody really understands but that look really cool anyway)

To:     Christopher T. Shields, Raymond L. Wilson

From:  William J. Adcox (a.k.a. God, Jesus, Buddha, Sidhartha Gautama, Rani, Spiffy Gilgamesh, Supreme positive 'vibe' merchant, one of effervescent carbonation, and Stan the fruit bat)

With regards to our possible gastric adventure: Gentlemen, our office sincerely apologizes for any misconception on your part. We feel that any forced competition in the alleged 9 story tong drop is unnecessary and unwarranted. Please contact us at your earliest convenience for a speedy resolution of this matter.

We would further like to add that in an effort to improve departmental relations, we have decided to expand our knowledge of the Information Systems department and what exactly they do. To this end we have disassembled several terminals in our office and randomly exchanged parts therein which vaguely resembled one another. This process was quite enjoyable. So much so that we tried it on the phones as well, and the copier, and the printers, and the modems, and the electrical outlets and anything else that made a really neat humming sound when activated.

We look forward to seeing you soon.

Sincerely,

Bill (aka  BoBo the Space Monkey)

TO:           Mr. William J. Adcox, Taxes
FROM:    Information Systems
RE:          Your Last Memo

Dear Mr. Adcox,

We were very extremely pleased among other things to receive your recent inter-office memo. There was much rejoicing here at the Information Systems Department.

"Look!" said Raymond. "A inter-office memo from Mr. Adcox. Oh, I'm very extremely pleased among other things."

Raymond then proved to us all that a inter-office memo, once crumpled properly, could achieve aerodynamic stability in trans-sonic flight long enough for it to reach orbit. Sadly, fifteen seconds into the launch, Raymond discovered that he had forgotten to attach a ceramic heat shield to the memo ...

You can rest assured that the reentry of your memo was spectacular, gaining the appreciation of all those present who gathered in the parking lot to witness the pretty colors and the long trail of dark black smoke, contributing to a chorus of 'Ooohs' and 'Ahhhs' and the occasional 'What pretty colors.' One person was moved to comment that this seemed like a Kodak moment.

Further testing of our new inter-office orbital insertion will continue, along with the new improved model, the Inter Continental Ballistic Memo (ICBM). Raymond is pretty sure that his idea for the memo interceptor system, which he calls 'Patriot', will also be a noble design.

I, however, think that the ability to intercept and destroy inter-office memos long before they ever reach you would defeat the purpose of the inter-office memo in the first place and the balance of power might tilt unfavorably to E-mail, or some other God-awful electronic form of communication that we here at the Information Systems Department would have to install and take care of.

Eagerly looking forward to future dynamic relations with you and your department, we at the Information Systems Department will remain humbly

Out To Lunch,

Christopher 'The Fixer' Shields
Raymond ‘The Other Fixer’ Wilson

TO:               Christopher T. Shields, antagonist
FROM:        The Committee for Enlightened Existence through Nerf
RE:                Your existence

Dear, Dear, and we do mean Dear Mr. Shields,

We are so very sorry to inform you that once again you have exceeded your overdraft limits on you Karmic account. While we realize that in this time of philosophical uncertainty it is sometimes necessary to make use of ones harmony with the universe, we also are aware that your particular account has never shown a positive balance.

In fact, we have found that the negative balance on your account equates exactly with the positive overflow of all other existent sentient life. We would like to also point out that according to our goodness auditors, without your Karmic, account there would be total Karmic balance in the Universe. Peace and happiness would be in abundance for all creatures if you were not part of this plane of reality. In short you are personally responsible for all things bad in all places in all time zones and climates and without you we would all be happy and festive and we would dance and sing forever.

You are therefore Terminated and your Karmic account closed permanently.

Please cease to exist immediately.

Thank you,

William J. Adcox
The Tao

To:             William J. Adcox (aka "Navel Fuzz")
From:        GOD the ALMIGHTY (aka 'The Big 3 in 1')
Re:            Insubordination of a Righteous Scale 

Dear William,

It has recently come to My attention that you have been making fun of My Son, Jesus. I Myself have a sense of humor, but this matter has been going on for quite some time now. You may not realize it, but Jesus has feelings too. Jesus came to Me one day and He was weeping. When I asked Him what was wrong, He said that some mere mortal had been talking about Him behind His back. This heinous matter quickly began to irritate Me, which brings us to the reason for this memo.

My Son, with whom I am well pleased, has done much for you and your kind, yet all I ever hear from you is jokes like the 'three kilometer crucifix drag' and 'Jesus is coming back as soon as He learns to play the piano again.'   With this, and other things in mind, I would very much like to talk to you at My earliest convenience, regarding this matter at which time you, I, and Jesus will sit down and discuss this matter in great detail. We will also discuss why you voted for Bill Clinton, which remains a mystery even to Me...

Looking forward to a very, very serious talk with you real soon, I remain

Righteous, Omnipotent and Divinely Miffed

GOD

P.S. I asked My neighbor, Satan, to send Me some of his travel brochures, which I think, you will find to make for some enlightened reading ...

DATE:      9/17/93
TO:           All Employees
FROM:     Management
RE:           Holiday Leave

The tiny Mexican state of San Paco will be celebrating its Dia de Independicia Nacionale (National Independence Day) on Sunday, September 19. This event marks the 253rd day anniversary of Muy Grande Generale Y Muy Simpatico Hombre (the really big and nice general) El "Cid" Guapo Muchacho De LaNacho Taco Grande who led a heroic and valiant San Pacoian People's Revolution against the notorious dictator Muy Grande Generale Y Muy Simpatico Hombre El "Cid" Guapo Muchacho De LaManeha Burrito Grande.

The overthrown dictator ran for the border and everyone lived happily ever after con mucho gusto, con vida loco.

Commemorative plastic cups will be offered at local participating Taco Bell restaurants.

The Bank has set this day aside as a employee holiday. The bank will be closed all day on Sunday, September 19, 1993 in honor of this great occasion. This is not a paid holiday, and employees are not required to celebrate.

ENC

CC (or someone with these initials) 

 back