DoN GuStAvO

 

To:                Black Echo
From:          
DoN GuStAvO
Date:           
5/11/06
Subject:     
Ima ninja owner

sup man...i just starting riding...after some very quick thinking i decided
i was a sport bike rider so i got me a 1000 ninja and it has been the right
choice...i love it...theres nothing better than passing about twenty or so
harleys in a flash with me only going at second gear...its great... but i
gota tell u man..ur really really a weird dude...it scares me dat somebody
out there gave a badge and a gun to somebody dat is very obviously mentaly
unstable...its a very scary thought dat theres a cop running around out
there dat is sucha strange character...somebody could get hurt...honestly
dude...u need to tune it down a lot....heres some advise even if you dont
want it...get rid of the website....just get out there and enjoy your
bike..and for god's sakes...BE NORMAL!!

 

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To which I replied

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Oh my!

For years Iíve told the visitors to my website that I beat up on stupid people, regardless of who they are or what they ride. The difference between Harley riders and import riders is that import riders (for the most part) actively police their own ranks while Harley riders simply do not. Harley riders welcome ignorance and stupidity, theyíre afraid to chastise some poser rider or idiot because when it comes to owning a Harley, the prevailing philosophy seems to be ďwhen it comes to having a brother biker riding beside me, Iíd rather have an idiot on a Harley than an educated person on a rice burner.Ē If you chastise another member of The Faithful, no matter how dumb or ignorant they are, you run the risk of being excommunicated from the Church of Willie G. and most Harley riders would rather accept the company of dullards than risk being shut out forever from all of their rented friends and faux admirers. Not so with import owners, we actively try to rid our camp of the idiots (though Darwin and Newton, with a little help from both the Laws of Physics and the Law of Averages, seems to do that for us with more efficiency and a quicker turn around). The prevailing philosophy among import owners is ďIf you want to act like a retard, buy a Harley.Ē

Over the years, many Harley owners have chided me for beating up on them in a way that they feel is rather one sided. This may be true, but it is easily explained. If Harley owners cannot or will not police their own camp, then Iím only too happy to do it for them, but, when it comes to someone acting like a retard in my own camp, on a style of bike that I praise and try to advocate in the public eye, then I have some particularly virulent ire reserved especially for that loser. Yes, if there is one thing which I cannot condone, forgive or accept, it is some reckless fool on a sport bike, let alone an uneducated fool who also brags about his stupid stunts.

So, here it is, plain and simple for all of you whiney hillbillies to see. I am about to put a fellow (and I use the term very loosely) sport bike rider in his place, something you are not willing to do with any of your own fellow riders. Stupidity must be stopped and if peopleís feelings get hurt along the way, well, thatís just too damn bad, isnít it?!

Now, with that said, letís get on to the task at hand, grim as it may be.

Hmmmm.

I almost donít know where to start on this particular email as it is so open ended and the sub-intellectual pickings are so ripe for dissection and subsequent ridiculeÖ On one hand, we have DoN GuStAvO, a self trained, no-questions-asked suppository smuggler who likes to brag about doing triple digit, second gear, high speed fly-bys of large groups of tour bike riders yet he claims that my website scares him. DoN GuStAvO also says that Iím weird, strange, mentally unstable and should never have been issued a sidearm because, well, gosh, obviously some poor, unsuspecting, innocent person could get hurt really really bad if the powers that be were to put some psychopath like me in charge of such an incredibly destructive weapon as a fully loaded 9mm semi-automatic handgun. Never mind that Iíve been given not only the extensive training required to carry and use this weapon, but also the good, God-given common sense, wisdom and judgment required to know when,  where and how to use my sidearm. The fact that I pray to God every night that Iíll never have to use my sidearm in its intended capacity is probably irrelevant to those who like to think of me as some cowboy with a badge who gets off by dressing up in front of a mirror and pretending to be the subject of an episode of COPS. DoN GuStAvO says all of this while at the same time, he, an untrained, unskilled, inexperienced virgin rider on one of the most powerful sport bikes ever produced in the history of motorcycles openly brags about willfully breaking the law and severely endangering other innocent peopleís lives (including his) for no other reward but his own personal reckless pleasure and glee.  The irony stands apparent.

I was amused at the fact that he begs me to be normal (which I guess means that he thinks I should be more like him or that he somehow considers himself to be normal Ö shudder). Well, folks, if DoN GuStAvO here is ďnormalĒ then Iím glad that Iím weird, strange and mentally unstable (at least according to him) because apparently in order to be ďnormalĒ like him, Iíd have to be severely mentally retarded.

Well, Skippy Ö (Iím going to call you ďSkippyĒ because I donít feel like hitting the shift key for every other letter of your name when I spell it (which itself is a very Everquest / AOL / junior high thing to do)) ... You say youíre a sport bike rider, but the sad fact is that you write and spell worse than most Harley owners Iíve had the ill-fortune to encounter on the Internet. I swear I donít know which is funnierÖ the fact that you honestly take yourself seriously or the fact that you somehow expect other more intelligent people to do so. After reading your email (and laughing all the way through at all of the spelling, punctuation and grammar errors) I have come to the foregone conclusion that you must surely have ridden the short yellow bus to school for many, many years before you ever swung your legs over the saddle of a motorcycle. I find your lack of competency with the basic usage of the English language disturbing and predict that your naturally low IQ will almost certainly condemn you to a life sentence of menial labor at minimum wage with no possible hope for parole.

Letís look at what you have written, shall we?

You freely admit that you are a brand new rider, with no experience, no training and obviously no discernible riding skills whatsoever and yet you brag about buying what can arguably be called one of the worldís most powerful full liter sport bikes in production? What an absolutely brilliant idea! What intrigues me is why you thought a Kawasaki ZX-10 Ninja, with well over 150 rear wheel horsepower on tap stock, would be an ideal first bike / learner bike let alone why any power sports salesman with an IQ higher than their shoe size didnít try to steer you clear of such a bitterly poor decision. It wouldnít surprise me at all if you didnít even have a motorcycle endorsement on your license (if you actually have a license at all for that matter). SQUIDs like you seldom do have a motorcycle endorsement Ö

Normally, a brand new, inexperienced rider on a full liter sport bike would be a monumental bad thing worthy of endless ridicule in and of itself but when you combine that rather glaring lack of good personal judgment on your part with your inane and immature bragging about all of the foolish stunts you are doing on your new bike, then it is my professional opinion, gained through over 25 years of riding experience, that you are a Darwin award waiting to happen.

Yes, here we have you, a self proclaimed, uneducated, SQUID on a full liter sport bike bragging about how you blow away bigger, heavier bikes, sometimes twenty in a row in a single pass and you somehow think that I, a well educated, highly trained police officer, am somehow more of a menace to society than you and your recklessly ridden sport bike are? Laughable! You set a bad example for everyone else, you define and reinforce the negative sport bike stereotype, you have the intellectual, grammatical and typing skills of a masturbating monkey and you somehow think that Iím weird, abnormal and dangerous? Your naivety is only surpassed by your own innate stupidity (though it was a very close race).

So ... you think Iím dangerous because I hurt a few idiotsí feelings?   Have you looked at how you ride? Do you think that youíre a good enough rider to be attempting the stunts that you are attempting? I bet your Ninja is far more of a threat to the general public than my sidearm will ever be.  Why?  Because I bet the front end of your Ninja gets waved around in public far more often than my 9mm ever does. Do you want to know what the real difference between my 9mm sidearm and your 1000cc Ninja is, Skippy? Thereís a brain behind the finger on the trigger of my weapon. I really canít say the same in your case.

Do you know what scares me, chimp? Do you honestly want to know what scares me?

You.

You scare the ever living rabid jackal piss out of me because you represent not only a total failure of the American public education system (and the generation of fast food employees who will be fucking up my order for years to come) but you also represent the dark side of sport bike ownership, the reckless kind of blatant ignorance and rampant stupidity that both causes the public to collectively think of our bikes (and us in turn) as ďdangerousĒ as well as causes our insurance rates to go up across the board. Fools like you (and the stupid stunts you pull in traffic) are the primary cause of high insurance rates (and high casualties among reckless young riders) because the smart and mature sport bike riders (like me) have to collectively pay for the singular stupidity of idiots (like you).

"Advise?"  You want to give me some "advise?"  Skippy,  you have nothing to base your ďadviseĒ to me on and youíre too young to be offering anyone anything even remotely resembling ďadvise.Ē Normally, Iíd thank you for the ďadviseĒ that you offered but that would be implying that I actually thought anything of your ďadviseĒ in the first place or that I had some modicum of respect for you as a fellow human being / rider (which I donít in either case). Allow me, in turn, to offer some very good, heart-felt advice (notice the correct spelling of the word ďadviceĒ) that is drawn on over thirty seven years of life experience (with over a quarter of a century worth of riding experience). If you choose to ignore the following friendly advice, trust me, I wonít lose any sleep over it.

Here are five very important things which you need to know at this point in your life:

1)
You are a Squid- If you just started out riding motorcycles, if you have no previous motorcycling experience, if you have no motorcycle skills and no formal motorcycle training yet you pick a brand new 150 plus rear wheel horsepower, 1000cc Kawasaki ZX-10 Ninja as your very first bike, then you're a SQUID. Don't expect to live long (not that anyone is really going to miss you when youíre gone).

2) You are extremely dangerousI simply cannot believe that anyone would ever brag about using a full liter Kawasaki Ninja to blow past a group of twenty heavy tour bikes at triple digits and in second gear. What the hell were you thinking?  No, scratch that.  The point is that you were not thinking.  Did you somehow believe that your display of ridiculous speed would impress the tour bike riders? Do you know what your reaction time is when youíre moving that fast? Zero. Moving that fast, youíre on someone before they know it. Iíve had SQUIDS like you come flying past me before ... First youíre a bright light and a glint on the horizon, a shimmering black dot and when I look again, youíre blowing past me with the front wheel hoisted up in the sky, revving your throttle like that is going to impress me or earn my respect. The point is, doing high speed fly-bys of other bikers, especially groups of bikers, is not a cool thing to do. Itís immature, dangerous, and monumentally stupid. Period.

(Think about it Ö If just one of those big tour bikes had moved out into your lane or drifted a little bit to the side out of the rest of the group then there would have been no time for you to react (let alone stop) and you would have killed yourself and another biker (or two or three or more bikers). If you had lost control and taken out one of the Harleys, you might have created a domino effect that would have resulted in many other bikes wrecking in a pile up resulting in multiple critical injuries or fatalities. You brag about that stunt like it took a lot of power and skill to carry out but what it took was an incredible amount of undiluted stupidity and virgin-like immaturity on your part. I wonder what you do to prove your ego-driven self image of masculinity when youíre not on your Ninja? Do you jump over the fence of the local elementary school during recess, beat up third graders and take their lunch money so you can have enough change to go buy the latest Eminem CD?)

So you took your Ninja ZX-10 and you blew past twenty Harleys in a row while you were in second gear Ö Yee-haw.  My guess is that you brag about racing Harleys and tour bikes because you canít go up against another sport bike with any real power. If you did, then any other sport bike rider with just a little bit of experience and just a little more skill than you have would hand you your ass with a quickness. The truth is, you bought a Ninja ZX-10 because itís brutally fast in the straight away and because you arenít coordinated enough to ride fast on the curves (or at the track / strip). Youíd get spanked silly at any track or drag strip so you have to look for your speed thrills somewhere else. Youíre a spastic throttle monkey, no style, no finesse and no brains. Punks like you always prey on the slower, heavier bikes and riders because you canít hold your own against anyone with skills or experience on something similar to what you ride.

You donít need a Kawasaki Ninja ZX-10, Skippy. You need a Mattel Big Wheelô and you shouldn't be allowed to ride it anywhere but your parents' driveway without direct supervision.

3) Hukt on Fahniks reelee wurkt 4 U! Learn to speak the English language, you intellectually stunted, taint snorkeling, rectum plumber!  Damn. I actually had to go back and start adding consonants, vowels and basic punctuation throughout the words in your email in order to be able to (just barely) understand what the hell you were saying.  Urban Ghetto Wannabe Whigger is not a dialect that will get you very far professionally in life (and practicing it actively leads to the rapid onset of premature, irreversible advanced mental retardation along with an incessant desire to listen to studio gangsta produced (c)rap music while assuming ridiculous postures and gesticulating wildly in a spastic manner when attempting to speak to other people in public).

Kids like you just go to prove my point when I say (and fervently believe in my heart of hearts) that English truly is a dying language.

4) You are a living, breathing negative stereotype- The fact that ignorant kids like you are out there on the streets and highways, acting like stupid hooligans on high powered sport bikes is perhaps the primary reason that gives the rest of us sport bike owners a very bad name (and raises our insurance rates while you're at it). SQUIDS like you really, really piss me off because you not only create the negative stereotype that has defined the sport bike riders for the last decade but you also reinforce it as well when youíre in public. Itís too bad that power sports dealers donít give IQ tests when they sell sport bikes (regardless of the engine size). Maybe if they did, there would be more sport bike riders like me Ö and far less like you.

And the single most important piece of friendly advice I can offer to you:

5)
Please donít ever, ever, ever breed.  No explanation required.

 

 

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