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A completely irreverent tongue-in-cheek guide to basic astronaut survival
as represented in the various "Planet Of The Apes" movies


"If this is the best they have, we'll be ruling this planet in six months."


Question: Do you lay low, staying alert with pistol in hand as you cautiously explore your surroundings, making sure that there is no threat to your life?

Answer:  Hell, no! You make a mad dash directly to the pond and go swimmin.' Says so in the ASTRONAUT HANDBOOK..." -MARK LONGMIRE*



Another tip of the hat to Mark Longmire and his excellent artistic skills for 'redoing' my graphic with his suggestion for a [RESET] button to get the times correct for the sequels!

Yeah.  I found it.  Here's the problem, folks...
Your basic ESO (Equipment Superior to Operator) Error.


"Get your hand off my ass, Dodge.  I can get in the damn raft all by myself!  Shiii...!  What are you, some kind of homo fairy?!" - Landon



"All right.  Who forgot to pack the damn TANG(tm)!?"

Good monkey.  Here's your TANG(tm).

The test monkeys in the ANSA space program get all the delicious, easy to mix, refreshing and nutritious imitation orange flavored TANG(tm) that THEY want.

, on the other hand, get TX9 which, sadly, is just not the same as that extremely delicious, extremely easy to mix, extremely refreshing and extremely nutritious imitation orange flavored TANG(tm).

No the space monkey won't trade you his TANG for your TX9.  Don't even try.  He may be a dumb space monkey, but he's not stupid.



"An automatic rifle!  Oh thank you, Sweet Jesus!  Thank you!  Now it's time, as a card carrying member of the NRA, to teach these stinking primates the beauty of the 2nd Amendment..."


"Get your stinking paws off of my TANG(tm), you damn, dirty ape!"

"Ah!  Your magic is truly powerful, stranger! You bring us this delicious TANG(tm) from the stars.  Truly it is the nectar of the gods.  We will follow you, and hear more of this N-R-A of which you speak..."

"Nova head hurt.  No make boom boom now with Taylor."


* With a tip of the hat to the humor of Mark Longmire, who unknowingly, in one brilliant instant of comedic humor, provided the impetus and the inspiration for this entire page.  With that one comment on his parody (listed above at top), the infamous "ASTRONAUT MANUAL" has been brought to life.   Thanks, Mark!   Great minds do think alike...


The man on the left does *not* like TANG.  Pity him.

Mark Longmire and Christopher Shields

Well, on December 27, 2001 I (Christopher "ANSANAUT" Shields) met Mark Longmire for the first time in actual reality, this after more than half a year of phone, mail, email correspondence and a couple of business transactions (I bought several plastic models from him for my kitbashing projects).

Exiting a previously uncharted Hasslein Curve at high speed, Cindy and I found ourselves projected an hour ahead into another time zone as we were on vacation in TN.  Our ANSA spacecraft passed through Knoxville, Mark's hometown and often victim of much of his dark humor.  I guess it was for the best that the first person that I meet on the Internet and then decide to meet in real life would be a comedian like myself.  This picture is taken outside of Calhoun's on the river, in Knoxville, where Cindy, Mark, and I had dinner. 

This is the photo that almost wasn't.  First my wife's camera refused to take our picture due to low lighting.  Then when proper lighting was found, the camera apparently went ape and refused to do anything but rewind the entire roll of film after snapping just two pictures.  Fortunately Mark brought his digital camera along that evening, but either his Karma or mine was overdrawn that evening as even the batteries in his camera were almost out.  Cindy, my wife, did manage to get two quick shots before Mark's camera finally gave up the ghost.  It was definitely not a night for photography, that much was sure.

As for why the Federal government didn't directly intervene on this monumental epoch of human history I'll never know, however one thing is for sure, together Mark and I will rule the world.  In all seriousness, hopefully, Mark and I will work on other joint humor projects in the future; we've been batting a few ideas around mentally for several months but nothing has really caught fire and run.  Yet.  But there is always time, objective time that is.  Humor, I've found, travels at its own special speed.   It has its own way of arriving when it is needed most.

There is a lot of talent between the both of us, and it would be a shame to waste the potential synergy that is present.  When great minds meet, each gifted with a deep and dark sense of humor, dire things are in store for the whole human race.  Nothing will be sacred and everyone will be scared...


Questions or comments?

"Mmmmm.  Roger.  That's just GOOD stuff, Mission Control.  Over."

"Yum.  That's just good stuff, Mission Control.  Over and out."


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