Studies have shown that you are using only 10% of your brain...

Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?

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Have you ever started to think, and just forgot to stop again?


Do Gangsta word processors have a "BUST A CAPS LOCK" key?


I see where the family and husband of Andrea Yates is petitioning to have her incarcerated locally because of the liberal visitation rights.  Sounds great!  Maybe Russell Yates can get back in there with some hot conjugal visitation action and we can start pumping out more children from this psycho baby factory.  Better yet, why don't we just lock up both Russell and Andrea, since he has as many undisclosed head problems as she does, and we'll just go ahead and save the tax payers a bunch of money on down the road.

You know its coming, folks.  You just know it is.  Check out the headline of the future:

"Yates and husband expecting jail-love child."

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COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) -- A 13-year-old girl hit by a puck at an NHL game died from a rare injury to an artery that was damaged when her head snapped back, a coroner said Wednesday.

Brittanie Cecil died Monday, two days after she was struck in the forehead by the puck at a game between the Columbus Blue Jackets and Calgary Flames. Doug MacLean, the Blue Jackets GM, can't imagine what the parents of Brittanie Cecil are going through.

What this means is that Doug MacLean can't imagine the money he and his team are going to have to pay out in court costs and the lawsuit that is coming.  Besides that, there are people calling for new government regulations on sports equipment, especially violent sports like ice hockey.   Great!  Now the liberals will come out of the woodwork again and we'll wind up with having to do background checks on people wishing to buy hockey pucks and probably a 5 day waiting period on purchasing hockey game tickets.  Accidents happen, people.   I bet some Romans at the Coliseum occasionally got drunk, overly exited, and fell out of their seats and into the arena only to be devoured by the lions and other wild creatures there.  It was and is all part of the game.  Sure its tragic, but so is me slamming my hand in the door or stumping my toe on something in the dark.   Doesn't mean I'm going to go crying to my congressman about getting legislation passed.  I really don't think we need any Federal regulation of sports equipment.   -BE



Do you know what the Dark One's Dictionary definition of "REDNECK DILEMMA" is?

Trying to figure out how to get his TiVO unit to record NASCAR and HEE-HAW at the same time.


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I know a guy with a Carmen Electra complex...


From the "Forty Acres and a Mule" File...

Ah, the frivolous lawsuit to end all frivolous lawsuits.  Folks, you just have to read this and keep telling yourself "This is real.  This is real!"

Suit seeks billions in slave reparations
March 26, 2002

From Peter Viles
CNN Money Correspondent

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Attorneys for a former law student, who discovered
evidence linking U.S. corporations to the slave trade, filed a federal
lawsuit Tuesday that could seek billions of dollars in reparations for the
descendants of slaves in America.

The lawsuit filed in federal court in Brooklyn names FleetBoston Financial,
the railroad firm CSX and the Aetna insurance company, and promises to name
up to 100 additional corporations at a later date.

It accuses the companies of conspiracy, human rights violations, unjust
enrichment from their corporate predecessors' roles in the slave trade and
conversion of the value of the slaves' labor into their profits.

"These are corporations that benefited from stealing people, from stealing
labor, from forced breeding, from torture, from committing numerous
horrendous acts, and there's no reason why they should be able to hold onto
assets they acquired through such horrendous acts," said Deadria
Farmer-Paellmann, the main plaintiff in the lawsuit.

Farmer-Paellmann said she learned of Aetna's role in insuring slaves in
legal classes, and then asked Aetna for old policies documenting the
practice, which Aetna provided to her.

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of 35 million African-Americans. It seeks
financial payments for the value of "stolen" labor and unjust enrichment and
calls for the companies to give up "illicit profits." The plaintiffs are
also seeking compensatory and punitive damages.

The lawsuit does not seek a specific dollar amount, but estimates slaves
performed as much as $40 million worth of unpaid labor between 1790 and
1860. The current value of that labor could be as high as $1.4 trillion

The lawsuit alleges that Aetna's corporate predecessor "insured human slave
owners against the loss of their human chattel."

In response, Aetna released a statement saying, "We do not believe a court
would permit a lawsuit over events which -- however regrettable -- occurred
hundreds of years ago. These issues in no way reflect Aetna today."

The lawsuit notes that FleetBoston is a successor to Providence Bank, which
it says was founded by Rhode Island slave trader John Brown. FleetBoston had
no immediate comment on the suit.

The suit alleges that CSX, based in Richmond, Virginia, is a successor to
numerous railroads that were built or run, at least in part, by slave labor.

In a statement, CSX said the suit is "wholly without merit and should be
dismissed. The claimants named CSX because slave labor was used to construct
portions of some U.S. rail lines under the political and legal system in
place more than a century before CSX was formed in 1980."

Slave reparations have been a controversial issue. A CNN/USA Today/Gallup
poll conducted last month found a wide difference of opinion on the issue
between black and white respondents.

Nine out of 10 white respondents said the government should not make cash
payments to slave descendants while 6 percent said it should.

Among black respondents, 55 percent said the government should make cash
payments and 37 percent said it should not.

The poll surveyed 1,001 adults -- 820 of them white and 146 black --
February 8-10. The poll had a margin of error of plus or minus 9 percentage
points for black respondents and plus or minus 4 percent points for white
respondents. The percentages differ because of the difference in the number
of people surveyed.

The same people were asked if corporations that made profits from slavery
should apologize to African-Americans. Among blacks, 68 percent said they
should while 23 percent said they should not. Among whites, 32 percent said
they should and 62 percent said they should not.

Three-fourths of black respondents said the companies should set up
scholarship funds for descendants of slaves and 20 percent said they should
not. Among white respondents, 35 percent of respondents said they favored
the scholarship funds while 61 percent said they were opposed.

I just really frigging give up on this country and the level of idiocy displayed by Joe Average citizen.  If this lawsuit succeeds, then maybe white descendents of slave owners can sue the black descendents of slaves for lost labor and all the money we've had to put out and time lost due to our having to work instead of having slaves to work for us.  Or better yet, maybe we can sue Coca Cola for having once put cocaine in their product, back when cocaine was LEGAL.  Yeah, maybe my great, great grandparents drank some Coke with real cocaine in it at the turn of the century and maybe that's why I'm having problems today, so I think that Coca Cola owes me money, me being the descendent of an original Coca Cola laced with cocaine drinker.

Jesus H. Christ, people, give it the fuck up!  The Civil War was long ago.  All the slaves are DEAD.  All the slave owners are DEAD.  No one has been a slave in America for over 100 years now, and if they ever were a slave, I didn't own them, so therefore, I'm not going to pay for this bullshit with my tax dollars.  If you want money, go out and get a job and earn it.  Walking to the mailbox and collecting a check from the government whom you think owes you a living for doing nothing is not considered 'work'.  This bit of news really, and I mean REALLY got my blood boiling.  Whoever brought this lawsuit forward needs to be removed from the Bar Association forever.  If this case sees trial, and then sees punitive damages being brought against the corporations, I'm going to sue the original Northern states for winning the Civil War.  This country is going to hell.  Or maybe it just hit bottom and bounced.

Here's an idea!  Let's agree to pay all of these descendents of slaves the money that they request for their hardship.  Let's pay them in CONFEDERATE CURRENCY!  I think I can come up with $1.4 trillion dollars of Confederate currency if I hit the cheap tourist crap isle of every Stuckey's in the south.   Should cost me a grand total of about $48 to raise that much Confederate currency.   Hey, I'm willing to chip in that much to get this worthless case settled and put the whiners back into the woodwork.  Here's a $60 donation:

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From the "Ghost of Christmas Past" File...

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Sorry this is soooo late.  I found this at a Wal-Mart in TN during Christmas vacation and it only recently resurfaced the other day in the collective mess that I call a 'study'.  Just when I thought I had seen every angle to the Dale Earnhardt marketing ploy, this rises from my files.  Dale Earnhardt inspired Santa Claus Christmas Tree ornaments.  Yes.  Don't make me repeat that.  From left to right, we have:

"That Holiday Attitude", "Takin' Off for the Holidays", and "Ready to Ride".

So, even Santa is wanting to be just like some dead redneck.   I, for one, hope that Santa is a better driver than old Dale.  If Santa Claus learned how to drive from Dale Earnhardt, then there are going to be a lot of kids without toys this coming Christmas once Santa wraps his sleigh around some safety wall at 200mph on Turn 4.

I guess the "Takin' Off for the Holidays" could be worse.  They could have produced a Buddy Holly version of "Takin' Off for the Holidays".

Thought you might get a kick out of the text on the back of the card:


Yes, folks, it's true!  Santa Claus and all his helpers at the North Pole are Dale Earnhardt fans!  Santa's busy season is shifting into full gear , and this year even Santa himself is looking a little "intimidating!"

Now ring in the holidays with the new Dale Earnhardt Holiday Ornament Collection, charming ornaments sporting the famous colors of "The Intimidator!"  From our roly-poly Santa to his colorful #3(tm) sleigh, each clever ornament is intricately detailed, hand-painted, and comes with a Certificate of Authenticity.  Available only from Motorsport Editions (tm), subscribers will receive three ornaments every other month, and may cancel at any time without obligation.

You order risk-free with our 365-Day Guarantee.  So get off to a great start this holiday season with Dale Earnhardt and Santa and submit your order today!

The funny thing is the fine print at the bottom:  Limit: One per collector.  Huh?  But I thought I was getting three ornaments, and then every other month getting three more?  I'm so confuseded...

How should this ad read to anyone with more than a 10th grade education?  Check it out...


Which means "send us lots of your hard earned money and we'll send you some trivial useless shit that we hope you will think will increase the value of your mobile home for years to come."

Yes, folks, it's true!  Santa Claus and all his helpers at the North Pole are Dale Earnhardt fans!

Which means that Santa Claus and all his helpers are therefore retarded redneck inbreds.

Santa's busy season is shifting into full gear , and this year even Santa himself is looking a little "intimidating!"

I thought Santa was supposed to be nice and friendly, not look like a big gay biker at a truck stop diner.

Now ring in the holidays with the new Dale Earnhardt Holiday Ornament Collection, charming ornaments sporting the famous colors of "The Intimidator!" (the Earnhardts now apparently owns the copyright to the use of the colors black, white, red, and silver so don't even think of using those colors or Dale Earnhardt's family will lawyer the fuck out of you and your bank account...)  From our roly-poly (translation: they've made Santa look like a big gay biker in a truck stop diner who wants to stick a finger (or two or three or something else entirely) in your rectum in the mens room stall) Santa to his colorful #3(tm) sleigh, (I don't know about you, but I've never really thought of black as the color of Christmas.   Oh, and hey!  Santa is using Dale's old number!  Isn't there a NASCAR rule about that which prevents the Jolly One from doing that?) each clever (if you can call braindead trend humping commercialism "clever") ornament is intricately detailed, hand-painted, and comes with a Certificate of Authenticity (like anyone else is going to make copies of this shit, well, if they do, you can take your Dale Earnhardt collectible ornament down from the shelf, produce your Certificate of Authenticity, and tell the other pathetic loser from the single wide down the road to kiss your ass, because you got your Certificate of Authenticity and he bought his 'official' ornament at a Texaco right next to the hand painted ceramic American Indian riding a giant wolf collectible which I guess commemorates the demise of the fifteen foot long American gray wolf, which the Indians apparently at one time domesticated and rode kind of like those little guys did in that cartoon "The Hobbit")Available only from Motorsport Editions (tm), (no one else even wanted to touch this stupid ass marketing idea, but we think there's an angle here, and we're betting our kids college funds on it!) subscribers will receive three ornaments every other month, and may cancel at any time without obligation. (this means that every other month, you're going to get three more pieces of useless shit in the mail in exchange for your hard earned money, and you have to go to hell and back to get your subscription cancelled through a series of NASCAR fans trying to figure out how to operate a switchboard...)

You order risk-free with our 365-Day Guarantee.  So get off to a great start this holiday season with Dale Earnhardt and Santa and submit your order today!  (Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but Dale is dead, so how are you going to start your holiday season with a dead guy unless you have a subscription with Ms. Cleo also...)

And just in time, kids, you can ask for the ultra-high tech system that Santa now uses to keep in constant communication with his elves down on the assembly lines.  Just ask for this item on your Christmas list and you'll not only be able to talk to Santa and his helpers, but also Rudolph, the other reindeer, and on a good night when the radio signals can travel a long way in the cold winter air, you might be able to reach Dale Earnhardt himself, in hell, but the only thing you will probably here him saying is "Arrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhowowowowowowshiiiiiiiitthisismotherfuckinhotdownhere!"

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The North Pole's new state of the art business communication system
Dead driver and batteries not included.


Some more bumper stickers from the comedy thread ...

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A local radio commercial for a local grocery store had the catch phrase:

"Sooner or later, Kroger is going to get you."

WTF?!  That makes the grocery store sound like some kind of redneck version of Beowulf and Grendel, where if you go too far out in the deep, deep woods (or more than two units deep into the local trailer park), some horrible creature is going to drag itself out of the swamp and grind your bones to meal in its ugly gnarled teeth.  I can see a bunch of three tooth trailer scoggins drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon out of old mayonnaise jars on the front porch of a dilapidated double wide talking about it now...

"Yeah, old Bobby Joe went back up there in thah hollar and that there Kroger gots him and ets him all up to death!  Swear to Gawd and my best huntin' dog, it's true!"

I think I'll keep shopping at Winn-Dixie, thank you.


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Some bumperstickers I designed for a recent online contest.

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Probably needs to be standard equipment on trucks operated by Tyson foods
And speaking of big trucks...


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This would be a funny sticker to put on big rigs anonymously.
Pair it with the one below for ultimate mirth potential.

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"Dale Earnhardt Died Screaming Like A Drag Queen At A Barbara Streisand Concert."

Thanks to Mofo the Psychic Gorilla for this caption.


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In Amsterdam, this is considered a porn act.


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Another bumpersticker I designed.


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A pair of entries for another humor thread on a forum I belong to...

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Some quick photo antics

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Either you get it or you don't...


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I hear where we are trying to extradite Daniel Pearl's killers.  This is great news!  Think about it.  Instead of rotting away without any human rights in some Pakistani prison system , we (the taxpayers) will pay to fly these killers over to the United States, we will pay to put them on trial, and then, probably as a condition on the extradition rights, we will have had to promise Pakistan and other limp wristed human rights advocate organizations around the world that we won't execute these poor killers because if we put people who behead, behand, and mutilate helpless citizens of this country to death, that would show that we were a barbaric country instead of showing that we don't take shit off of anyone else in the world.   Instead, we (the tax payers) will end up paying for the trial (at great expense due to its need to be lengthened for the media entertainment purposes) and then we will house these killers for the rest of their life in one of our modern ultra-comfortable prisons where they will have access to libraries, the internet, television, entertainment, and three meals a day as well as a warm, dry, comfortable place to live and sleep.   Indoor plumbing will also be an unusual change for them, one they won't soon want to part with once they become used to its convenience, I'm sure.  For them, what we think of as punishment will in fact be their heaven.  And we (the tax payer) will be paying for it all.

I say let Pakistan keep them and do with them what they want.  That would be justice.  These killers are hoping and praying that America will extradite them!  They know what they will face in Pakistan.   Wake up, people.


My coworker and I were going to lunch the other day and I had to stop off at the drive in at the bank to pay a bank note. I deposited the check and the paperwork in the little canister and hit the SEND button, letting the canister go through the vacuum tube to the teller inside, about 30 feet away. She said something positive and I grumbled back, she’s paid to do that, so it doesn’t count, it isn’t like she really wants to know how I’m doing today, she’s just being a good employee.

Jonathan and I start to talk about the Internet, and the topic comes up of “What is the dumbest thing you have ever seen that was porn related in nature, what was the dumbest piece of porn spam you ever received?” Jonathan started to think, and he turned the question back around on me.

“Pony tail.” I said, flatly.

“Uh... wha...?!” Jonathan asked. “What’s a "pony tail"?”

“You’ve never seen a pony tail?” I asked. “And no, it isn’t a hair style.”

“Dude! Now I'm curious... Tell me!”

So I then explain what a ‘pony tail’ is. The other night while surfing my forums, I got one of those annoying ICQ porn spams that said, IIRC, ‘Hi, I’m Sarah, I got a new webcam, come check out the pictures of my new ponytail, it fits real tight!”. Being the darkly curious soul that I am, I clicked on the URL and wanted to know what the hell a ‘pony tail’ was, since, apparently, from her description, her idea of a pony tail and my idea of a pony tail were not going to be the same thing.

I was correct.

I had never heard of a pony tail that fit ‘real tight’ before. Curiosity got the better of me and I allocated a handful of brain cells for the imminent mental sacrifice that I knew would be coming my way with the next click. I discovered that what she referred to as a 'pony-tail' wasn’t a ‘pony tail’, per se, like what I understood a pony tail to be. Oh no.

For those of you who do not know, a ‘pony tail’ is a butt-plug with a simulated horse hair attachment, it trails down to about the middle of your thigh, at least it did on this woman. I’m sure they probably come in different lengths, textures, and colors, but that is just a guess. How do you use the pony tail? Easy. You shove it up your ass and it looks like you have a horse tail. I guess some people find this attractive and even quite possibly a turn on. I'm sure that there is a thriving market for this product among overworked Asian businessmen.

Arrghh! What the fuck is the human race coming to? A 'pony-tail'?!

I couldn’t for the life of me get the first image that popped up on that site out of my mind, it was like this amateur-made-with-a-bad first generation webcam taking still frames, four image animated gif of this girl standing up, then bending over and sticking her ass out, then turning around and slinging her ‘pony tail’ hair around, then slinging it back the other way and smiling at the camera while using her finger to beckon you to join her ‘members only’ area


As I watched this gif (not FAP material to be sure due to the quality and the contents), I sat there and laughed my ass off. Shaking my head once my oxygen levels had stabilized again, I killed the extra window and went back to work, realizing that I was now dumber for having followed that URL and that I could never get those brain cells back. There were people who actually signed up and paid good money to watch this skank shake her ass with her pony-tail simulated horse-hair butt plug!

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Different strokes for different folks…

By the time that I had gotten through with the description, Jonathan was cackling like a madman, he and I were both laughing hysterically as I further explained that you had to understand that before ‘Sarah’ could buy and display her ‘pony tail’, somebody out there had to INVENT this device, and they had to have market knowledge that there would be buyers for this adult product. I then did my best impression of a guy sitting on a beach in Jamaica, sipping one of those little fancy coconut drinks with the paper umbrellas, and someone else walking up to him.

Stranger: “Hi there, I’m Jim Smith, I’m here on vacation. And you are…”

Guy sipping fancy drink: “Hi, Jim, I’m Mark Adams. I’m retired. I live here on this beach.”

Stranger: “Wow, but you’re so young! How did you make your money?”

Guy sipping fancy drink: “I invented a new product that has really sold well, I made so much money off of it, I retired at the age of 28.”

Stranger: “That has got to be some product! What was it?”

Guy sipping fancy drink: “I called it a ‘Pony-Tail’. Basically it was a butt plug with a fake horse hair tail attached to it.”

Stranger: “You invented a butt-plug with a horse tail on it?!?!”

Guy sipping fancy drink: “Yeah. You shove it up your ass and prance around for your significant other going “I’m a pony! I’m a pony! Fuck me! I’m a pony! Neeeehheeeeeee!" I sold a lot of them. Japanese businessmen seem to like them a lot.”

Jonathan and I were laughing uncontrollably at the mental imagery of how low the human race stumbled sometimes. And then we heard the voice of the teller, apparently, we had failed to remember that the driver's side window was down in the Blazer and that the intercom was always on at the drive-in tellers. I looked over to see three VERY attractive young women staring out the window at us, smiling nervously at us. The teller keyed in the microphone.

“WE want to know what’s so funny!” the teller whined, as the others nodded in agreement.

“Ooooh, no you don’t.” I said flatly as Jonathan turned to face the right window and again commenced to laugh his ass off, rocking the Blazer as it sat, squirming in his seat and clenching his fists at the thought that they had heard everything that he had said.

“No you just don’t.” I said again, shaking my head.

“Please!?” the teller asked, and another teller, a cute little blonde, took the microphone from her, leaning over to use it in a pose that I thought was very suggestive.

“Please?! Pleeeaasse!? Tell us what is fuuuuuunnnyy!” she whined. “We don’t get much funny stuff here.”

“No. I’m sorry.” I said flatly, shaking my head and putting the Blazer in drive. “Trust me, you don’t want to know what we were laughing at. It’s a private joke. Have a nice day.”

The blonde pouted and folder her arms then the three women broke apart then, disappointed that we wouldn’t share the joke, but I mean, how do you explain *that* bit of humor. No way I was going to ask these three beautiful women if they knew what a ‘pony-tail’ was or try to explain it over an intercom that everyone in the bank could hear. I drove off laughing. Jonathan was laughing so hard he snorted and curled up in his seat.

The Internet is a wonderful thing. Maybe there’s an angle here, maybe I can invent some strap-on set of fake cow udders for fat chicks and the guys who want to use them like the cows that they are. You could put milk in the udders and they would really squirt. Think about it, I could be on that beach, getting a tan, and sipping those smurfy drinks instead of at a crappy network admin job.

(me pulls paper and pencil out and starts to design strap-on udder device for adult market… If I hurry, I can retire this time next year.)


Johnny Ray Gobin- American terrorist, or just plain dumbass?


FORT MEYERS- A man was arrested after arguing with a National Guardsman and threatening to blow up the passenger terminal at Naples Municipal Airport.

Johnny Ray Gobin, 27, was charged Friday with threatening to discharge a destructive device (???), resisting an officer and breach of the peace. He was being held Saturday at Collier County Jail in Naples, FL on $32,500 bond.

Gobin walked out of a restaurant in the terminal Friday and asked National Guardsman Tony Hartley whether his gun was loaded.

Gobin grew belligerent and said he hated loaded guns, according to a police report. He left the building and Hartley followed him, telling him not to come back to the airport.

Hartley said Gobin replied "I hate (expletive) loaded guns and I will blow this building up."

After more arguing, Harlety said he forced Gobin to lie on the pavement until police arrived.


I vote dumbass.

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This was an interesting photo that has been traveling from trailer park to trailer park via AOL
and other redneck internet connections. The original title of the photo was "Junior had help."

I'd rather re-title the photo: "Who you gonna call?"

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THIS one always kills me when I see it in my travels... yes, it is an actual company.


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LESKO     or     The Riddler

Separated at birth?  You be the judge...


A funny local photo.  I invented the caption...

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"Attempt at hearty handshake fails, results in unexpected handjob instead..."


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A bumper sticker I'm going to market soon...


I saw a Ford Ranger with a "RAM TOUGH" decal across the rear window of the truck.
Yeah.  You guessed it...   Lamar county.


Unfucking believable...

Now this really pisses me off.  There are huge posters up in many of the restaurants displaying the above slogan.  I find it ludicrous that McDonald's is celebrating black history all year long.  That seems a little bit unfair to all of the other minorities, now doesn't it?  Think about it.  If McDonald's is going to be busy proudly celebrating blacks in history every single day of the year, when does that offer a chance for McDonald's to give equal time to other minorities and recognize the accomplishments of similar, hyphenated-Americans in the overall contribution to this great country?


It leaves absolutely zero time to acknowledge the accomplishments of anybody but black people, which I think is just wrong.

Maybe in the wake of September 11, while not being the politically correct (i.e. liberal mentally retarded) thing to do, but certainly being the patriotically correct thing to do, I would have introduced the concept of "365 USA" and started a year long campaign about how great this country is, instead of presenting the accomplishments of just one part of the overall populace.  Don't you think its time we stopped thinking as individual races and started thinking again on a whole as a nation?  Don't you think it is time that we moved away from white / black / yellow / red / polka dot / green thing and all this hyphenated-American bullshit that we have the touchy feely bleeding heart liberals to thank for and just got back to being "Americans"? 

I know I do.

If I was a person of minority, and I wasn't black, I'd be fighting mad about this campaign.  What a load of PC left wing liberal bullshit!   Talk about racial profiling, now its being done by corporations!  This has to be the second most asinine thing I've seen lately, short of Dr. Pepper trying to rewrite the Pledge of Allegiance and leaving the part of "one nation under God" out because it might offend the liberal dipshits and make them cry.

We're 100% politically correct, kids.
"McWhitey" or "Honkey McDonald", you decide.
Stop by for a McKwanza meal today!

So, McDonald's will be celebrating black history each day, every day, for the rest of the year.  Yeah, this from a corporation whose spokesman is a honkey-faced circus clown with pedophile-like tendencies.  What does Ronald McDonald know about black history!?  Nothing.  Think about it...  All that clown ever does is play with little children and entice them into his 'playhouse' by using the lure of fast food, frozen dairy desserts, and an wide assortment of evil looking muppets.

And someone explain to me why McDonald's chose to make the "365" look like it was spray painted graffiti on the logo... That's a bit suggestive, isn't it?


I think the happiest day in NASCAR fandom will be when some scoggin accidentally discovers that Armor-All is a direct substitute for KY-Jelly…


My wife wanted to know if I would back her up if she walked into Victoria’s Secret and asked for a Freudian Slip…


Well, "President's Day" is almost here.  We have the official Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday, but we don't have an official Abraham Lincoln birthday...  If I had to guess, I'd say that Lincoln's in hell right now shaking his fist at all the black people and screaming "You ungrateful BASTARDS!!"


Do priests make clerical errors?


I know someone who is just dumb enough to think that "caveat" is an expensive delicacy based on fish eggs that is imported from Russia.


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Isn’t it funny that no matter how many people scream PRO-CHOICE, it really is a PRO-LIFE world? Think about it… The government depends on there being a large amount of dullards in the population in order for it to operate successfully, and so do the corporations. If PRO-CHOICE was used more often as a mandate, you wouldn’t have bad things in life like the famines in Ethiopia and the Democratic National Convention. You hear everyone fighting for the right to do what they want to with their bodies, but how many of these people do you see supporting PRO-CHOICE as a solution to Third World hunger?  Let's test PRO-CHOICE out in third world countries first and see if it works.  If it does, then we'll think about offering it here.

Thomas Malthus was a prophet… listen to him.


Is it just me, or is Kmart really superfluous to the whole consumer market.  Who cares if the company is in bankruptcy, only thugs and people from Arkansas shop there anyway... which I guess is where the whole concept of the "blue light special" originated.


Never trust a lawyer with bad teeth...


There is a local radio commercial for Valentine's Day from a national jewelry company; Kay Jewelers.  The commercial then goes on to explain how if you know what is good for you, you'll spend an inordinate amount of your hard earned wages on their cheapest keepsake diamond jewelry just so you won't feel guilty.  I mean, really...  how much diamond can you get for $99.99 if it comes with a box of chocolate also as part of the package.  The jingle of the company is "Every Kiss begins with K(ay)."

My thought was, yes, that may be true, but remember that every fucK ends with 'K(ay)'.

I don't think they would sell much merchandise with that ad jingle...


Ever notice the amount of broken glass and smashed tail light pieces in front of the turn lanes to Wal-Mart and Sam's Super Centers?   That's a lot of debris...


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Another bumper sticker I thought of.


And speaking of "Hee-Haw", big saaaahlooooot to the rednecks for this bit of lunacy...

NASCAR's new golden calf...    Probably not a pair of Earnhardt fans...


DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. -- Dale Earnhardt's legacy has reached statuesque proportions.

Thursday at Daytona International Speedway, Teresa Earnhardt pulled the cord to drop a checkered-flagged, circular veil just outside of Daytona USA.

With about two dozen drivers and several 100 fans standing in the rain, the curtain fell to reveal a nine-foot-tall statue of Mrs. Earnhardt’s late husband holding the 1998 Daytona 500 trophy in his right hand, with his left hand held high in the air.

Get on your knees and pray at the feet of the 9 foot tall false idol, all you inbred hill scoggins.  I'm really surprised that it doesn't have an eternal flame going, you know, like President Kennedy's grave.  You would also think with all of the money that NASCAR had, they could afford to have Earnhardt cloned or at least pay for better website story writers...   "... several 100 fans..."?  What kind of English is that?  On the other hand, who really knew that old Dale was a supporter of black power?!  At least the statue is PC.  Smaller versions of the statue will be available for private display in trailerpark shrines.-BE


Is it just me, or does the Cingular character look like a bad money shot from a porn movie...

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Political correctness ... isn't.


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Why you have to be careful how you space stories near one another.   Read #4 and #5.  I think we have our suspect...

the Milwaukee Channel dot com


WHY do we have to have black history month?   Why not designate February as AMERICAN history month, and let us all in on celebrating the heritage of this great country.   Or maybe not...


I hate jocko-homo bathroom humor.  It irks me.  I have a special way of dealing with it.  Case in point, I was in the rather crowded mall restroom the other day taking care of business at the stand up urinal.   Two jocko-homo retards jog in and take positions on either side of me at the left and right urinal, and start in on their macho-speak.

"Hey, Mike.  How's the water on your end?" the one to the right of me asks, directing his comment across me.

"It's cold!  Really cold!" 'Mike' replied standing to the left of me and swinging his hips back and forth slowly.

Obviously this was meant to be funny in the fact that the speaker was commenting and wanting people to think that he was hung enough that his dick dipped down into the water of the urinal while he was standing up.

Now think about this situation....

If you were long enough to drag the ground, would you really want to stick your dick in a public urinal and swish it around?  I know I wouldn't.  Zipping up, turning around and not missing a beat, I replied to these two in a voice loud enough to be heard by all those standing nearby waiting their turns.

"That's a urinal, not a water fountain, Sparky.  You piss in it.  You're not supposed to drink out of it."

Everyone in the bathroom started laughing at that comment and at these two jerks.


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Well, I think the descriptive phrase "pulls out" adequately describes what the upper management of ENRON did to the employees, if you think about it.



Well, I thought I had seen the bottom of how people could debase themselves but the other day took the cake.  Now I'm a Microsoft supporter from way back, but the class we had the other day on MS Active Directory was just re-damn-diculous.  The computers were set up, but we had to spend 2 hours copying over the MSAD (I know, funny acronym) down to a network for installation.  Hello?   This is a MS sponsored class...  Shouldn't the software already be on the machines?  No, it wasn't.  So two hours of class time wasted copying the files over a slow intranetwork.  The instructor told us to take a break so we did, and during the break, he made a change to the server requiring that he reboot it, which he did ... in the middle of twelve machines trying to copy the SAME set of files from the server.


You guessed it.  Failed copy on all machines.  Please start over.  Okay.  Not to waste any more time, it was decided that only one out of every two machines would use the CD-ROM to install.  Problem here?  There were 6 groups, 12 machines, and 3 CD-ROMs.  Lunch break!

Oh, the instructor had a nice blue shirt on with the MS logo on the front, and on the rear, in tiny print between the shoulder blades, was the link:  HTTP://

Had me convinced...  Maybe if I hadn't had to spend five hours copying software that should have been preinstalled in the first place, I might have actually learned something.