You Might Not Be Riding A Real Motorcycle If ...
(VERY tongue in cheek. Deal with it.)
- Your motorcycle has a reverse gear.
- You don't kill bugs with your helmet.
- You installed a cup holder.
- Your wheels have metal spokes.
- It takes NO skill to ride.
- Your motorcycle has more than two headlights.
- Your motorcycle has a redline below 10,000 RPM.
- Your motorcycle has a heater.
- You have to use an intercom to talk to your
- Your motorcycle won't wheelie (aka "You
Can't Get The Front End Up Without A Crane" Syndrome).
- The dry weight is greater than 600 lbs.
- Your motorcycle has a trailer hitch.
- You have a hardpoint for the attachment of a
- Your motorcycle takes longer than 5 seconds to get
- Your motorcycle doesn't have a chain.
- Your motorcycle is more loud than fast.
- Your seat is right over the rear tire.
- Your headlight has a shroud.
- Your tail light has a color dot.
- You have a cruise control.
- Black is the only color that accessorizes well.
- You need more than two people to put it on the
- It has a center stand.
- You installed a sissy bar.
- Tattoos are required for ownership.
- Tasseled chaps and vest are the proper dress code
- The riding position is perfectly comfortable.
- Your passenger has a full seat behind you.
- You got your helmet at a WW II Axis surplus sale.
- You have a tattoo of your bike.
- You're the sixth owner in four years.
- Your wife has a tattoo of your bike.
- There is a plastic skull over your headlight.
- Your rearview mirrors are shaped like German iron
- Your windshield is three feet wide and four feet
- Your motorcycle has a 40 channel CB, and a AM-FM
- You have an antennae on your bike.
- You paid more than $14,000 for a USED bike!
- Your seat has springs under it.
- You have matching studded leather saddlebags.
- Your helmet has a spike on top of it.
- Your grandfather rode a bike just like it when he
was a young man.
- Most of your bike's highway time was spent tied down
in the back of a pickup truck.
- Your rear tire has a mud flap.
- Your riding buddies are named "Skull",
"Bone", and "Skeeter".
- You have more than 4 reflectors on your bike.
- You ever had to worry about jack-knifing the trailer
that you were towing behind your bike.
- You got a free logo embossed wallet on a chain
promotional when you took delivery of your bike from the dealer.
- You can't adjust your suspension.
- Your dog likes to go for rides on it.
- Your passenger can fall asleep while riding.
- Your spark plug caps light up.
- You have to turn your headlight on manually.
- Your engine isn't liquid cooled.
- Your air cleaner rattles and shakes when you twist
- You have floor boards instead of foot pegs.
- You have six cylinders, six carburetors, and still
can't get down the quarter mile in less than twelve and a half seconds.
- Your bike has more colored lights than a Christmas
- Your engine size is measured in cubic inches instead
- You ever bought or installed billet aluminum
accessories for your bike.
- Magazine ads for your bike feature bearded
overweight older men with odious personal habits and a fetish for leather and chains.
- The head mechanic at your dealer has both arms
covered in tattoos and answers only to the name of "Snake Daddy."
- The name of your motorcycle includes any of the
following words "Heritage", "Classic", "Vintage",
"King", "Glide", "Tourer", "Retro",
"Road", "Highway", "Dyna", "Ultra",
"Springer", "Soft", "Hard", "Tail", or
- No one looks at you funny when you ride into a truck
- The same people who built your bike just introduced
their own line of cigarettes.
- The only instrumentation on your bike is a big fat
speedometer that goes all the way up to 85 mph.
- The name of your bike doesn't include a capital R
somewhere in it.
- You ever installed highway cruising pegs.
- The dealership where you bought your bike is not a
place you would take your children.
- The dealer offers a line of black leather
accessories for your model.
- You bought it because you thought that others would
think you were bad.
- People lock their doors when you pull up next to
them at an intersection.
- You paid good money to have someone pin-stripe it.
- At idle, your pipes are louder than the stereo in
the low-rider next to you.
- You installed a windshield that raises and lowers
- You just spent three hours polishing chrome and one
- Your engine has less than four valves per cylinder.
- You can ride it on and off the street.
- The ignition key goes in on the side.
- Your bike has any kind of mural or artwork on
- Your exhaust pipes have fins on the tips.
- You have to kick-start your engine.
- You have your nickname or CB handle etched into your
- Your engine has case crash guards installed.
- It has a trunk.
- It has more than two wheels and is street driven.
- The Shriner's Parade has bikes like yours.
- A aftermarket company offers a trike conversion kit
for your particular model.
- Your speedometer is located in the top of your gas
- Your motorcycle has more than 40 pounds of chrome on
- People can hear you riding from two miles away, with
the factory pipes.
- Your motorcycle has parts from more than five
different models, from the factory!
- The company you bought your motorcycle from makes
more money from selling logo T-shirts and wallets on a chain than they do from selling
- The Japanese build a better model.
- You can crank your bike without the key being in the
- Your bike is in the dealer for factory work more
often than its on the road.
- You had to wait for a year on a waiting list just to
get your bike and / or pay a non-refundable deposit.
- The angle and position of your handlebars keeps your
hands higher than your shoulders when you ride
- Truck drivers and Waffle House waitresses like it.
- Your brand new bike wouldn't even crank at the
- You have to put both feet on the ground when
- You have tassels hanging anywhere from your
- Your ass is less than 2 feet off the ground when you
- Your quarter mile times are greater than twelve and
a half seconds.
- Your highway pegs keep your legs spread wider than
the stirrups at a gynecologist's office.
- You have over twelve hundred CCs of engine and less
than a fifty horsepower.
- You ever thought about installing a small block
Chevy and a Powerglilde.
- Your bike is brand new from the showroom and still
looks like it was made in 1944.
- You ever dropped your bike on its side and instantly
did $400 worth of improvement to it.
- Your motorcycle was built in Milwaukee.