Putting the "Phil" back into "PHIListine"


To: blackecho

Subject:  Ahh, sucess

Sent:  Wed, 23 Oct 2002

The smell of sucess is in the air, it appears I must have stimulated your anatomy in some way for you to waste countless hours,  responding to my comments to you.  I have to give you credit for having a spell checker, and knowing how to use it.  It is however a shame that you can't sit down and compose these words on your own,

I would imagine that you and your fellow officers, sit down and they compose all your responses, not you, in my humble  opinion,,I would suggest that you go back to college, keep your head out of the boys pants, and try applying yourself to an education.  You may have everyone fooled over there in Mississippi, but you dont have me fooled.

(there was more, but most of it was unintelligible monosyllabic grunts.  I really couldn't tell if Phil was trying to communicate or simply enjoying rubbing his tiny private parts up against the bark of a good sized tree during one of his Fall rutting sessions)



To which I replied


Hello again, Phil.

I see that you have decided to put your stupidity on display once more.  I’m afraid that what you are smelling is not "sucess" (whatever that may be) but rather the putrid aroma of rampant, unwashed ignorance, and I’m afraid that it’s coming from your end of the conversation, not mine.  I should also inform you that the only part of my anatomy that you have even remotely stimulated is the part of my brain that controls laughter, in which case you have more than amply stimulated it into producing an almost endless barrage of cackles and I thank you.

You talk about the immense amount of time that you perceive that I may have spent in forming a reply to you.  I find that strange when it has taken almost a week for you to in turn reply to me.  I can only ascertain from the large amount of time that has passed that either you finally found someone who could read my reply back to you very slowly, or you somehow managed to actually make it through the reply all by yourself.  Personally, I’m leaning on the former explanation, as all of my previous experience with you has shown me that you are simply just not smart enough to accomplish the latter task in that small amount of time.

Dealing with morons, especially the lowest grade of moron such as yourself, does not take a whole lot of my time for the simple reason that it essentially requires no effort on my part.  Please don’t flatter yourself into thinking that I somehow gave you more of my time than I give any other moron or that I spent hours slaving over my keyboard all for your sake.  Someone at your level of retroactive evolutionary development simply isn’t worth wasting countless hours of my time on for anything other than ridiculing.

The fact that I can type, as well as articulate and organize my thoughts, far faster than you can apparently read and comprehend these thoughts only further proves that I am a much higher form of life than you are.  You truly have no concept of higher education, like what exists beyond elementary school level, do you?  Hell, you probably think that a GED is a type of birth control device that a woman has inserted into her uterus in order to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

“Yep, my mom was wearing one of them there defective GEDs and that’s how she gotted all pregnant with me.  Uh huh.  Hey, if you done through with that mayonnaise jar pass it on over here, wills ya? I aims to licks it clean while I watch me some of this here NASCAR.” –Phil

You credit me with using a spell checker, yet you still don’t use one yourself.  I wonder why that is, Phil?  Is that technology just too complicated for you?  I noticed that you misspell the word “success” in your opening line of email as well as again in the body of your email.  Do you even know what "success" is, you obviously don't know how to spell it, but can you recognize it?  Or are you so used to being such an utter failure that the exact opposite of what you are in life is a totally alien concept to you?   I don’t think you understand the first thing about "success" because you espouse none of the requirements that are usually associated with "success".  You must really enjoy being considered to be ignorant by so many people because you clearly go out of your way to present that image to the world.  I find that truly sad that you present yourself in such a blatantly ignorant manner.  I expect more from a human being, Phil, and you just aren't delivering.

For what it’s worth, my spell checker is built into the software that I use, not that I really need it.  Since I read and write (and subsequently communicate) on a level that has been academically tested to correspond with over twenty years of professional education (while I actually possess only sixteen years of professional education), you can see why I have no pity for slackers like yourself who may have, at best, twelve years of professional education (but who, in turn, read, write, and communicate on a level that would suggest, at most, a fourth of that capacity).  I also see that while you have started to capitalize some proper nouns, you are still having a real problem with simple punctuation especially with regard to contractions.  This again only goes to prove that people in Mississippi are still, on average, far smarter than you can ever hope to be.

Well, enough on your email, let's get to what I really wanted to talk about and that is your profile on AOL.  I particularly liked your AOL profile which was emailed to me by no less than thirty-two other highly educated individuals.  Individuals, I might add, who visit my site and who, after discovering that you were an AOLoser, went immediately to AOL looking for your profile to see if you were as dumb as you seemed.  I’m glad to say that you didn’t let us down, Phil.  In fact, you surpassed all of our collective expectations in what we might find.  Your online profile merely confirmed my original statement that not only are you are a card carrying member of the bewildered herd, you are also one of its foremost representatives.

Let's review your rather lackluster attempt (and subsequent failure) at being even an entry level example of a human being.

philprofile.jpg (63923 bytes)


My goodness!  

You really are quite the complete loser, aren’t you? 

Gateway?  It looks like your life isn’t the only thing you order out of a catalog or get from a walk-in dealership!  You actually use a Gateway computer, which you refer to as some kind of 'powerhouse'?  That assertion is just about as stone dumb as your overuse of AOL.  I must inform you that Gateway is only considered a ‘hot rod from hell’ by people who don’t have the first clue about what a real computer is or how a real computer is put together.  Gateway!?!?  Hahahahahaha!  Oh, please, stop it, Phil.  You’re killing me here.

I could build a faster computer than your Gateway with one hand tied behind my back, half a bottle of really smooth whiskey down my gullet, for half to a quarter of the cost that you paid for your system and I would build this scream machine from individual parts ordered from a variety of companies who sold their wares through the Internet.  Better yet, I would know exactly what parts I needed, how they were compatible, what went into the case and how to service those parts if any should stop working.   On the other hand, the closest thing you will ever come to diagnosing a hardware conflict will be when your Harley breaks down and all you have to work on it is a set of metric wrenches that you borrowed.

I believe that my personal favorite part of your AOL profile has to be that you say that you ride a "harlley."

Now I'm not really sure what a "harlley" is, but evidently you can't even identify, let alone correctly spell the name of your most cherished motorcycle, the very core element in your misguided pedant squirrelfuck pagan religion that you somehow call a 'lifestyle'.  That's beyond sad, Phil.  In fact, that's utterly pathetic.

And you think that you are smarter than I am?  Just how naïve are you, Phil? This one part of your profile proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have got to be one of the stupidest damn ass blenders on the whole planet.

Here’s a really big clue, Phil.

The smart people in life build their own computers, they don’t buy their computers out of catalogs, just like they don’t watch NASCAR, just like they don’t use AOL, and they certainly don’t ride harlleys, sorry, Harleys. The smart people in this world don’t buy their computers from a company that uses a talking cow as the chief commercial spokesperson.  Cows are stupid, they tend to form large, slow moving herds whose highest ambition is to chew cud all day long.  Cows are only good for three things in life; producing fertilizer, getting milked of their assets, and eventually to wind up as fodder for those who are smarter, faster, and higher up the food chain.  Hell, I bet if NASCAR got together with Gateway to make a Dale Earnhardt tribute computer, and if they had a commercial where a talking cow with a helmet was driving fast around a track in a white Monte Carlo with black spots all over it, you’d be the first in line to buy that computer system, wouldn’t you?  From Dale Earnhardt to a spotted cow that talks, you don’t really look very high up for your personal favorites, now do you, Phil? 

My second favorite part of your profile is that you get the simplest of tired, old, inbred, redneck colloquiums completely wrong!  The correct form of the phrase you are trying to be witty by using is:

“If you can’t run with the big boys, stay ON the porch.”

On the porch, Phil.  On the porch, not OFF the porch.  Big boys don't run ON the porch.   And the correct term is 'dogs', not 'boys', but then you do seem to be preoccupied with boys in your reply, so me thinks there is more than a Freudian slip there on your part.  But then, I expect that from someone who lists their hero as a dead redneck who made a highly profitable career out of driving really fast counter clockwise in a big circle and then charging other people dumber than him to watch him do it for hours on end....

NASCAR, Dale Earnhardt, AOL, Gateway, and harlleys, sorry, Harleys.  People like you truly boggle the educated mind, Phil.

You may have everyone fooled over there in Mississippi, but you dont have me fooled.

Fool you?   I assure you that such is not my intention, ma'am, and even if it were, I doubt that it would take much of an effort.  Phil, you're such a simpleton, I could use Jedi mind tricks on you.  Jeez.   Apparently, driving American iron really makes you dumb.

Once again, I thank you for so definitively showing us what it means to be one of the lowest common denominators in society and for providing some much needed laughter in my life.


And the mirth continues...




To: blackecho

Subject:  Round 3

Sent:  Fri, 25 Oct 2002





To which I replied


Date: Sat, 26 Oct 2002
From: "Black Echo"
Subject: RE: Round 3

Yes, you win ... Third place in your local Special Olympics.




To which I received



The original message was received at Sat, 26 Oct 2002 02:05:51 -0400 (EDT)
from []


Your e-mail is being returned to you because there was a problem with its
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The line beginning with "<<<" describes the specific reason your e-mail could
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Please direct further questions regarding this message to your e-mail

--AOL Postmaster

   ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----

   ----- Transcript of session follows -----
... while talking to
>>> RCPT To:<>
550 <>... User unknown

Reporting-MTA: dns;
Arrival-Date: Sat,
26 Oct 2002 02:05:51 -0400 (EDT)

Final-Recipient: RFC822;
Action: failed
Status: 5.1.1
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Last-Attempt-Date: Sat,
26 Oct 2002 02:05:56 -0400 (EDT)

Start of the Attached Message

Date: Sat, 26 Oct 2002 01:09:49 -0500
From: "Black Echo"
Subject: RE: Round 3

Yes, you win ... Third place in your local Special Olympics.


>-- Original Message --
Sat, 26 Oct 2002 00:34:27 EDT
>Subject: Round 3
>To: blackecho
> I win.

Christopher T. Shields -"BLACK ECHO"-

"I'm not black like Barry White, I'm white like Frank Black."

Step into my world at:

End of the Attached Message


And people claim that I hide behind my computer...

Well, it looks like Phil finally imploded from the immeasurable weight of his own taciturn mediocrity.  Since Phil enjoys spewing out tired old clichés in a vain attempt to sound cultured and witty, I have one that he may want to add to his collection.

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog."

Enjoy riding your "harlley", Phil, and remember, "If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch."

Woof, Porch-boy.