Joel's Email


It’s never a good idea to mix enthusiasm with stupidity. Take the following Email from Joel for example, he more than fully manages to mix both and come up with a grand mess in the end. His email starts out rather predictably, by using the completely wrong word in an effort to make a witty opening wound into the argument but all it goes to show is that he is a complete and utter mongo-tard. Joel doesn’t even know what he’s talking about, and its rather funny. Let’s try to figure out just what chemicals his mother abused while she was pregnant with him.

Joel Sams came out of the closet to say:

Subject: "You're so vane, you probably think..."

Message: Hey arrogant jackass, I own Harleys and Jap sport bikes. I've riden bikes for 20 years and have found too many loud mouth posers in both the cruiser and sport bike camps. Both types are bad for the sport of motorcycling. I would never have visited your web site if I hadn't found the links to your anti-Harley diatribe posted on a real motorcycling web site. Apparently some punk ass non rider felt a need to attempt to drive a wedge between HD owners and non HD owners. If you don't like HD's don't buy one. Personally, I've found that most vocal critics of HD just have their panties in a wad because they can't afford one. Real bikers can find something to like about all brands.
Do the world a favor and stay out of law enforcement until you've matured.

Joel Sams

2000 ZX12r
1993 ZR1100
2001 FLSTC
1996 FXSTS

______________    TO WHICH I REPLIED     _______________


Your subject line contained the phrase: "You’re so vane, you probably think this …"

Damn! Do any of you knuckle dragging stump warming three tooth imbeciles have the equivalent of a elementary school education or is it just more than a common denominator in the grand scheme of things that the average Harley owner is an example of a complete mental deficit? You retards amaze me when you somehow manage to send me email. I bet it took you three weeks to one finger peck out this reply, all the while grunting, drooling on the keyboard and scratching yourself. Well, at least that was three weeks when you weren’t out riding around on your piece of junk excuse for a motorcycle while being an eye sore and a general annoyance to the rest of the (more educated) population so thank God for small favors.

I don’t think the word ‘vane’ has anything to do with what we are talking about and you fail to explain why you opened with that statement and it makes no sense whatsoever in the context in which it is used. So, besides using the wrong term, you also use it incorrectly which shows that you are both retarded and ignorant. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that you started riding a Harley the day you stopped riding the short yellow bus. As it is obvious that you lack even an elementary school education, let me give you a free lesson in the proper use of third grade English.

The word you are looking for, Joel, is "vain", defined by Webster's as follows:

vain (vn)
adj. vain·er, vain·est

  1. Not yielding the desired outcome; fruitless: a vain attempt.
  2. Lacking substance or worth: vain talk.
  3. Excessively proud of one's appearance or accomplishments; conceited.
  4. Archaic. Foolish.

The word that you chose to use is "vane", which is defined by Webster as follows:

Vane (vn)


  1. A weathervane.
  2. Any of several usually relatively thin, rigid, flat, or sometimes curved surfaces radially mounted along an axis, as a blade in a turbine or a sail on a windmill, that is turned by or used to turn a fluid.
  3. The flattened, weblike part of a feather, consisting of a series of barbs on either side of the shaft.
    1. The movable target on a leveling rod.
    2. A sight on a quadrant or compass.
  1. One of the metal guidance or stabilizing fins attached to the tail of a bomb or other missile.

    Just so we have zero confusion here, let me present yet another word that sounds the same but also has a very different meaning:

    Vein (vn)


    1. Anatomy. Any of the membranous tubes that form a branching system and carry blood to the heart.
    2. A blood vessel.
    3. Botany. One of the vascular bundles or ribs that form the branching framework of conducting and supporting tissues in a leaf or other expanded plant organ. Also called nervure.
    4. Zoology. One of the horny ribs that stiffen and support the wing of an insect. Also called nervure.
    5. Geology. A regularly shaped and lengthy occurrence of an ore; a lode.
    6. A long wavy strip of a different shade or color, as in wood or marble, or as mold in cheese.
    7. A fissure, crack, or cleft.
    8. A pervading character or quality; a streak: "All through the interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness" (Mark Twain).
    9. A transient attitude or mood.
    10. A particular turn of mind: spoke later in a more serious vein.

tr.v. veined, vein·ing, veins

  1. To supply or fill with veins.
  2. To mark or decorate with veins.


Words that sound similar but have different meanings are called "homonyms" and have nothing to do with rough man sex like you might think.  Hell, Joel, "Hooked on Phonics" worked for you, didn’t it? You should know that the witty reference you are trying to use (in vain, I might add) is a lyric line taken from an old Carly Simon song entitled "You’re so vain". The song is not entitled "You’re so vane".

I’m afraid that for all of your own personal misguided vanity, you are, in reality, just another useless ignorant feeble minded shit-tard with a rather tragic lack of command of the Queen’s English. All of your delusional thinking that you are some knowledgeable, well-educated uber-rider with lots of experience is a self-generated delusion of grand proportions. You apparently have no real education to speak of (or no education for which you have give substantiated proof of having).

Congratulations, Joel, you're an utter waste of perfectly good human semen. My heart does flip-flops with the knowledge that you've ridden bikes for 20 years. While that clearly shows that you have the capability to ride, you obviously still can't tell shit from gold. I’ve seen chimps at the circus ride motorcycles, and unlike your email, I felt my time watching the chimps was spent in a far more worthwhile manner simply because chimps can be trained and possess the advantage of being able to learn. Maybe another 20 years on the open road of life will help evolve your knuckle dragging primate ass into at least a minimal level of pseudo-sentience, or at least to a somewhat higher level where you can progress past monosyllables and slobbering when you speak in public.

I love people like you, the so called 'mature' riders who own 'both' types of bikes and don’t want to have an opinion that would hurt anybody’s feelings. Boo fucking hoo, you sissy. What a closed minded middle of the fence sitting gnarly vagina you are. Your email is so full of comical and tired old clichéd retorts that I laughed my ass off at your blatant level of motorcycle virginity. Let’s look at some of your more clear cut instances of stupidity as you have presented them:

"I would never have visited your web site if I hadn't found the links to your anti-Harley diatribe posted on a real motorcycling web site."

Tired old cliché number one. Ah. I can believe that, especially since my site is attuned and geared more toward the high intellectual side of the mental spectrum, I agree with you that you probably never would have visited my site of your own accord. You must have at least a double digit IQ in order to do so, and I think you might only just barely qualify in that case, and that is only if we count percentage points and give you the benefit of the doubt by rounding to the nearest whole number.

So you came to my site of your own free will and you bitch and moan and talk about what a bad person I am and what a experienced and mature rider you are? Hey, Joel, since you have RSVP’ed your lame ass right on in totally uninvited, I’d like to take this time to welcome to my site. Let’s review your behavior so far, shall we, oh mature and experienced rider? Did I post my opinion on your site? No. Did I invite you to my site specifically by saying ‘hey, Joel, come look at this? It will make you cry."?


So, you distended malformed asinine testicle, you don't know the first thing about me other than I have a different opinion than you do and that opinion apparently really hurts your tiny little insecure feelings. What does that mean to you? Well, that obviously means that I must be a very bad and evil person and that I don’t have the maturity or the experience you claim to have (though you have yet to show me). This in turn makes you compelled to set the record straight by telling me how much better a person you are than me.

And how do you accomplish this?

Well, the first thing you do is you invade my domain by sending an angry email. You compose this pathetic excuse for email because your little itty bitty feelings got hurt and you have a very real need to suddenly justify and defend your sad, pitiful existence among the genetically stagnant flock that worships antediluvian technology and grazes in a lucid pasture that you laughingly refer to as a "real motorcycling web site".

Do you understand that makes you pretty much a total fucking retard in the grand social order of things, Joel? I doubt it, small minds aren't readily capable of understanding really big concepts like that.

Stay with the flock, Joel. It's safer there, you don't have to think very much, and you can get several books and catalogs from Milwaukee that even tell you what to buy and what to wear though it's kind of like a bizarre B&D version of Garranimals. I bet HD even markets their own versions of sexual act lubricant, probably under the ‘Dyna-Glide™ or even the ‘Wide Glide™ (for long time users) name brands. All the better to use when Milwaukee tries to skull fuck you senseless with their tired old propaganda and antiquated technology.

Relax, Joel. Your life doesn't have to be filled with big tough decisions like what to ride and what to think, Milwaukee will handle all of that for you. They sell everything you need to be part of the flock; from the clothes you wear, to the accessories you carry, to the vehicle you ride, to the thoughts that you should have. All you have to do is pay these hillbillies lots and lots of money and leave the rest to them. In your case, it really would be best to leave the kind of hard charging thinking required to be successful in life to organisms that have evolved past the prehensile cranial penile state, in other words, people far smarter than you.

So, you saw my article on a "real motorcycling web site". Ho-oh, I didn't expect to see that argument used. I guess anything that isn’t a Harley Davidson related site isn’t going to be considered a "real motorcycling web site" now is it? I suppose that only web sites which support both HD and your narrow-minded way of thinking are the only ones that can be considered to be "real motorcycling web sites." What a laughable misuse of basic logic skills. Bwahahahaha. Please don’t try to think too hard, Joel. You might get an aneurysm and die. I have to give you credit. You are a perfect fucking lemming, Joel, with all the brain power of damp moss.

"Apparently some punk ass non rider felt a need to attempt to drive a wedge between HD owners and non HD owners."

Oh, apparently that is what happened! Yes, that must explain everything. So, how did this web site you refer to choose you to be their spokesman? Just curious. You're not living up to their expectations at this time, you do realize... Your brilliant deduction leaves me astounded… Have you ever considered a career with Scotland Yard, Joel? That’s just has to be the ONLY answer to this incredibly perplexing mystery. Or maybe someone posted it who just had a different opinion than you did. You know, maybe someone who wasn't as mature and experienced as you claim to be or maybe one of the REAL Harley riders posted it there because they were sick of the posers and the losers.

According to you, your logic would make anyone with a different opinion than you a "punk ass non-rider"? But does your descriptive term "punk ass non-rider" refer to a person who doesn’t own a motorcycle, or as I see it, does it refer to a person who is a non-HARLEY-rider. If so, then the correct terminology would be "punk ass non-HARLEY-rider". This just goes to show that you put more faith in your Harley than you do your other bikes (which you have yet to even mention). I don’t see someone who doesn’t even ride a motorcycle visiting a HD forum and posting this stuff, therefore, it must have been a non-HARLEY-rider which according to you makes that person a ‘punk ass’. If you feel that way about people who ride non-HD bikes, Joel, why do you own other bikes other than a HD? That would make you also, by your own logic, a ‘punk ass non-rider’.

Really, Joel. Your 20 years of riding have taught you nothing, but that is to be expected from constantly riding 80 year old technology that sloshes your brain around in your cranium like a gallon of latex paint on the mixer at Wal-Mart. It is now obvious that you don't possess much above the shoulders other than maybe a malformed thimble-sized proto-ganglion at best.

"If you don't like HD's don't buy one."

Tired old cliché number two. Really? What a piece of great advice! That simple piece of advice alone will solve all of my problems in a nutshell won’t it? If I don’t like Harley Davidson, I should just not buy one. Man, that is just so simple, it could be the key to life.


I don't own a Harley, I never have, and I don’t ever plan on owning one. Oh, whew, well, I see I'm still several steps ahead of you, Joel, both in common sense as well as on the food chain. I’m a higher evolved, smarter organism than you, the most important indicator of this is that I don’t scrape my knuckles when I walk.

"Personally, I've found that most vocal critics of HD just have their panties in a wad because they can't afford one."

Tired old cliché number three. Ho-oh. You know, I really wish I had a nickel for every time some HD owner used that comment in an email to me.

"You don't like Harleys because you can't probably afford one. You’re just jealous. Neh-neh-nee-neh-neh."

Get over it Joel. Some people in life are just going to be smarter with their money than you are. If you think that a difference of opinion is based on economic reasons alone instead of a mixture of economics, rational thinking, and just good old plain common sense, then you are one seriously fucking retarded gibbon. You need to trade your Harley back in on a life long ticket to ride the short yellow bus to wherever you are going. Jealousy? That has got to be the first and foremost retort of the ignorant and confused Harley rider. Why should I be jealous of shit, Joel? I’m afraid that you've fallen right into the same, tired old trap of thinking that because someone doesn't like Harleys, then that must obviously mean that they can't afford a Harley. I don't like cancer, Joel. Doesn't mean I'm going to be jealous of someone who has it or that I'm going to save up all my pennies and dimes and buy me a good case of the stuff just so I can get in the cancer ward to be with all the other cancer patients.

Since you’re such a economic virgin who so richly needs their tight young hymen of financial knowledge violently torn asunder by the unmercifully hard thrusts of the great big twelve inch throbbing cock of fiscal reality, I will give you a piece of free monetary advice. Money does not grow on trees, Joel, and many of us ‘normal’ people have to work our asses off to make money, which means that our money has to be stretched as far as it will go. Most of us don’t have the privilege of wiping our ass with our hard earned money or of spending it on total shit that only a rectum worshipping mono-brow cromag mongo-tard would aspire to owning.

Money does not always equal quality.

The expensive things in the world are sometimes expensive not because they are the best, but because there has been an artificial value given to them through the simple financial law of supply and demand. I’m sure you remember when the Ty "Beanie Babies" were hot sellers and everyone had to have one, even actually fighting over them in the stores. The guy who invented these things couldn’t sell them for years, they sat in a warehouse, abandoned, and he couldn’t move them. Then he figured out how to get a bunch of nose picking, chain smoking fucking, empty skull trailer park rejects to buy them at double and triple price, and suddenly it was money coming in hand over fist as the simps fought for first place in the trash collecting subgenera. That is a success story in and of itself, one you should look up and one which I won’t tell you because I want you to spend another three weeks on the internet typing with one finger looking something up. Well, Joel, HD is nothing more than a big leather and chrome version of the Ty "Beanie Baby". It is expensive because a lot of people want them, not because it is a good thing to own. It has an artificial value placed upon it, and if a Harley sold for what it was actually worth, they would be a dime a dozen.

I’m sure the hardest day in a Ty "Beanie Baby" collector’s life was when they woke up and found out that they were facing bankruptcy and all they had to show for it was a bunch of brightly colored bean bag animals each of which pretty much looked like any other. Now, normally, these items would only be considered interesting or actually worth something to a teething one year old or someone who’s sum total vocabulary consists of the words "Ga-ga" and "Doo-ga" (which means respectively "feed me" and "Oh dear, I’ve shat my pants.").

However, thanks to the unlikely miracle of superior marketing intelligence on the part of the producer mixed with severe mental retardation on the part of the target consumer, the maker of "Beanie Babies" is now filthy rich, and a lot of people are left with gravel filled sock puppets for which they spent a helluva lot of money, time, and effort to collect. It’s a fable, really, and you could draw similarities between "Beanie Babies" and Harleys, except that one day, "Beanie Babies" might fill an important niche in the environment, a niche like using them to line the still leaking reactor core at Chernobyl.

Harley is not expensive because it is the greatest and best motorcycle in the world, Joel. It is expensive because a bunch of inbred lichen munching fetid troglodytes sitting under a rickety old stone bridge in Milwaukee only produce a limited number of shit-for-bikes per year. These same fetid old trogs have cast a powerful magic spell on the melon minded segment of the population who now think that these shit-for-bikes are solid gold and will pay a king’s ransom for what amounts to little more than a lackluster stinky old mildewing troll turd. Occasionally, as a respite from their normal routine of tedious hammering and polishing, these trogs will grab an passing billy goat from the top of the bridge. What happens is a veritable blood feast followed by a hedonistic orgy that would make the love scene in Deliverance look tame by comparison, all the while the fetid old trogs cavort and dance around naked on the huge piles of money that they have stolen from complete idiots like yourself. And that’s considered a good Saturday night in Milwaukee…

"Real bikers can find something to like about all brands."

Tired old cliché number four. I guess I’m a real biker then, Joel, because I found that I sure do like to make fun of stupid HD owners. I think that qualifies me, according to your criteria and logic, to be a ‘real’ biker, since I have found something to like about your particular brand choice of motorcycle.

"Do the world a favor and stay out of law enforcement until you've matured."

Another useless logic example. I don’t have jurisdiction over much but a small southern urban municipality, Joel, and certainly not the entire world, so I doubt that anything I do in law enforcement will have far reaching consequences in places like Chad or Amsterdam. Therefore, if I were to quit law enforcement, it really wouldn't have much of an impact on crime either way anywhere else but where I serve, now would it?  I hardly think I would be doing the world a favor, and I would be doing my community a great dis-service, if I did choose to quit.

I love how you ass licking toe fucking mental munchkins come up with these hare-brained logic loops. Let’s see, I don’t like Harley therefore I shouldn’t be a police officer... Explain that to me, Joel.

Oh, wait, I get it.

That’s like saying that even though I know how to build 600 horsepower supercharged fuel injected small block Chevy engines, but in turn because I don’t like the Green Bay Packers, therefore I shouldn’t be a mechanic.


Joel, you’re such a pussy, I bet you have to brush your teeth with Vagisil™ every night before you go to bed.

Since I have the respect and praise of officers both above me in rank as well as below me, your opinions of my capacity as a police officer don’t really matter, now do they? Since you don’t serve with me and since you are so obviously a tender little unused and unloved vagina whose feelings are so very easily hurt by mere words, you also obviously don’t have the minimum requirements to ever wear a badge, therefore I could say that you are jealous of me. I can buy a Harley, or two, or three, Joel. But you’ll never be able to wear a badge because you need three things to be a cop;

There’s more to wearing a badge than carrying a gun and eating doughnuts, imbecile, but then I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s all just part of wearing the badge; having to deal with inferior mental retreads like yourself. I love how the logic of you stumpfuck inbreeds flows. It just goes to show you that the two things required to own a HD are that you be a total fucking moron and that you have just enough gray matter that the trogs in Milwaukee can use Jedi mind tricks on you to get you to hand them large sums of money.

And then this guy signs his email...

Joel Sams (ignorant stump trained middle of the fence walking vagina with 20 years of experience at being a pussy)

2000 ZX12r (good bike)
1993 ZR1100 (good bike)
2001 FLSTC (shit bike)
1996 FXSTS (shit bike)

Well, Joel apparently that is two up and two down when it comes to owning bikes, which results in a grand total of zero, which, coincidentally, is exactly what you are; a total fucking zero.