To:              blackecho
Subject:    Barny
Date:          May 16

as much as i hate harly posers i hate gun worshiping dumb ass control freak cops even more. you can use all the big words you can find in the dictionary, but your still just a dumb ass cop. does your superviser know that you use four letter words on the internet?



To which I replied


Well, this is the third email from “cchix” and I have to say that not only is this simian really suffering from a unique form of mental retardation but he also seems to be going downhill fast as well. Now, since his email name sounds like a failed title of an ABC after school television pre-teen cheerleading action adventure drama (or some type of generic party / trail mix), we’ll just call him “Sparky” (which fits and which he can’t do anything about since he failed to give me his real name in his email).

Long time visitors of this site will know instantly that one of the things which I truly abhor is when someone tries to insult me and they can’t even spell the insult that they are trying to use correctly. Here, Sparky tries to reference me (again) to the clichéd image of bumbling police officer “Barney Fife” from the Andy Griffith Show (a classic black and white broadcast TV comedy show that was brand new about the last time that Harley had an original idea). We’ve discussed that bit of pop culture nonsense already before at length in another reply


You retards have to understand that when you call me “Barney" (in reference to my law enforcement capacity), you’re really not hurting my feelings at all.  Nope.  In fact, I’m laughing at your lack of originality and your group think processing (if any actual thinking is going on at all which I truly doubt).

Next, Sparky here says that he hates “harly” posers but what he fails to understand is that he spells and talks worse than the very thing which he despises.  I find that as hilarious as it is sad.

Another curious aspect of his email is that Sparky believes that I’m a “gun worshiping dumb ass control freak cop.” The term “dumb ass” is ironic because Sparky obviously never proof-read his own email (or more likely he did, several times over, and what I received was simply the best he could produce). It is rather plain to see that Sparky here is feeling inadequate in the face of someone who is both his intellectual as well as genetic superior. I bet that it bothers him to no end to know that there is something / someone out there which he vehemently despises yet that something / someone is also a hell of a lot smarter than he is.   I don’t think that Sparky here is a dumb ass by choice ... no, I believe that it is more an accident of birth.

Now, let’s just set the record straight once and for all because people just don’t seem to understand my life. Yes, I'm a police officer but I’m an IT specialist first and foremost. IT here meaning Information Technology; computers and networks, wireless and LANs, hardware and software, telecommunications and a host of other modern technology the likes of which Sparky here would think was the realm of black magic. Personally I'm in charge of several hundred users, several thousand square miles worth of territory and several million dollars worth of equipment.  Since I did achieve a college education, I use my many years of experience and vast knowledge of computers to effortlessly (for the most part) make a living and to pay the bills (and the pay is quite good, I can assure you). Since I am gifted with computers, I don’t have to work as hard with them as other people do. This means that I have a small amount of free time left at the end of the day to devote to other interests and one of those interests is law enforcement.

The fact that I volunteer my time to my community (less so now than a few years ago) in order to make my community a better place to live is simply because I feel it is something that I need to do, that any true red blooded American would do, if given the opportunity and if they had the brass to carry it out. I have a vested interest in my community. I live here. I have immediate and extended family here. I plan to raise my own family here and if I can make my community a better place (by keeping it clean of the human vermin and trash that our contemporary society seems to not only tolerate but openly worship and glorify) then I’m going to do what I can with what natural talents and abilities God gave me. Those who can police (and those who can’t usually gripe and whine about those who can). I’ve said for years now and I'll say it again; there are basically three kinds of people in the world; there are wolves, there are sheep and then there are those who protect the sheep from the wolves. I can pretty much scratch you out of the “wolf” category, Sparky, and since you don’t wear a badge, that pretty much relegates you to one final niche in life.


Yes, judging by all of your emails, it is apparent that there are two big reasons why you don’t wear a badge, Sparky. The first is that you’re not smart enough to wear a badge.  Being a law enforcement officer does take some modicum of intellect along with the ability to use the brain that God gave you and I just don’t see you as even approaching minimum standards there. The other requirement is that it takes balls to be a police officer and since you are both glaringly stupid and annoyingly whiney, I doubt you have the latter commodity either. If you did, you wouldn’t be an easily offended thin skinned pansy who’s more concerned with someone using profanity on the Internet rather than spending that wasted energy to correct your own abject lack of education.

If every able-bodied, sound minded man and woman in this country went out, saw a problem in their community, realized that they could do something about it and then fixed that problem by volunteering their time and effort with no expectation of being paid to do so, well, America might not be in the sad shape that it is in today but then I wouldn’t expect a high school dropout like you to understand something like that.

Yes, I am a reserve officer, a volunteer but before you think that means that I sit at a desk and do paperwork or act as “bench warmer” for “real” cops, let me assure you that I wear the same equipment, drive the same patrol car, wear the same uniform, wear the same badge and have the same duties as well as authority and responsibility of a paid police officer. The only, and I mean only difference between myself and a “real” police officer on the force is that I don't get paid for my time.  When I go home at night, all I get to look forward to is a little bit of peace and easiness knowing that I did something for my community.  I wear a badge because I can, because I care and because I want to make a difference in my community. The “real” officers (who do draw a paycheck) serve for the same reasons, but they also work because they have to pay bills, put food on the table and clothe their families.

I have somewhat expensive tastes and hobbies in life and unfortunately, American cities in general (especially small cities like Columbia) just don’t pay their civil servants anywhere near what they deserve to be paid (or what I could live on for that matter). Teachers, law enforcement officers, fire fighters and members of the armed forces are some of the most underpaid, under appreciated jobs in this country but so much of our way of life depends on them. The real golden lining here is that someone who would want to become a soldier, a police officer, a school teacher, or a firefighter probably isn’t going to do so in order to become rich.  There are other rewards in life besides money.  Yes, you have to be crazy to be a police officer in these sue-happy, criminals have more rights than victims kind of insane days, even more so if you put on a badge and put your life on the line for free, like I do. 

No, I don't expect thanks and praise for what I do, Sparky.  I expect only scorn and ridicule.  People like you don't surprise me, Sparky.  You're generic.  Your attitude towards law enforcement is stereotypical and your mindset is truly ignorant.  People like you aren't the ones who surprise me, Sparky.  It is the person who would stop me on the street to thank me for what I do, someone who would offer to buy my lunch at a fast food joint or bring me a glass of ice water / iced tea from their kitchen when they looked out their window and saw me standing on the street directing traffic in the hot Summer sun at mid-day.  Those are the people who surprises me and those are the people who I wear a badge for.  I don't wear a badge for people like you, even though I'm sworn to protect your kind with my life if need be (and that's about the only down side to my job, that I might one day have to make the ultimate sacrifice in the line of duty and it would be to save the life of an unappreciative simpleton like you ...).

You can hate law enforcement officers all you want, Sparky, it doesn't change how I feel about law enforcement or my will to give something back for nothing received. Honestly, I think the world would be a whole hell of a lot better place if there were far more highly educated law enforcement officers like me and far less whiney titty babies like you, but that’s just my own personal opinion.

“does your superviser know that you use four letter words on the internet?”

Ah!  And then we have the profanity argument … which always makes me guffaw when ever I see it. Oh, how I love these hardcore bikers like Sparky here who are so easily offended by my select use of profanity. It just completely blows the whole “tough guy” image when some big macho biker complains about how I selectively use four letter “bad words” on my site. I don’t know what’s sadder, the fact that Sparky here thinks my supervisor would actually care if I used foul language (on my own time, mind you) on the Internet (on my own website, at my own expense) or the fact that this pathetic ass wrench can’t even spell the word supervisor correctly.

My “superviser?”

No, Sparky, I’m afraid that I don’t have a “superviser” whatever that may be (I even looked the word “superviser” up in the dictionary and found that there is no such word). However, I do have a supervisor and yes, he knows that I use four letter words on the Internet because he’s been to my site many times. He also knows that I use four letter words in the rest of my life, both public and private, on duty and off. I’ve used four letter words when I’m riding around in an Interceptor with him and when he’s standing next to me on a city street.  I've used four letter words when I've kicked in a door and I've used four letter words when I've taken someone for a dust roll.  Four letter words?  Some of my favorite four letter words are "STOP!"  "HALT!"  and a combination that includes the words "DON'T" and "MOVE!"

But you were referring to bad words, weren't you?  Yes, when it comes to profanity, I like to be both creative and original because so few people today truly are original or creative with anything let alone something banal like profanity.  I like to think of myself as a profanity artist adding a new twist to some old garbage.  I use profanity to make a point, to get people’s attention, to cause a diversion, to blow off stress, to make my fellow professionals laugh and to get quick results (which it invariably does). So you'd like to tattle on me to my supervisor for using profanity on the Internet?  Just for fun, let’s take a look at that telephone conversation, shall we?


Sparky: “Hello? Is this Officer Shield’s supervisor?”

“Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

“I want to lodge a complaint against Officer Shields for using profanity and for hurting my feelings.”

“Oh, my! Those are very serious charges!! May I get your name and address, sir?”

“Well, I … uh … I live in California. I … uh, I’ve never actually been to Mississippi or Columbia.”

“I see. Sir, could you tell me exactly where it was that Officer Shields used this profanity and when he hurt your feelings?”

“Well, it was on the Internet, on his personal website, right after I sent him an email calling him a gun worshiping dumb ass control freak cop.”

Supervisor: (insert sound of great bellowing raucous laughter echoing away as phone is placed back in its cradle followed by a resounding CLICK and a dial tone.)

“Hello? Hello?! I think we have a bad connection…”

Now, I realize that you’re too stupid to read very much (or very often) and far too scatter brained to read for very long but the whole profanity point really is a dead horse now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: profanity is a tool and like any tool, it can be used for good or evil. A hammer is a tool.  You can build a house with a hammer about as easy as you can use that same hammer to smash someone’s skull in during a heated argument. A tool is not good or evil by itself, it is how a person uses a particular tool that ultimately defines whether or not that tool is being used for good or evil.  Profanity is no different.

Profanity is merely a set of words on a screen, printed on a page in a book or spoken verbally in real life. The impact of these words on you, as a person, will vary depending on your development as a human being and your own tolerances (or lack thereof). One of the points I try to make is that Harley owners use a lot of profanity in their countless emails to me but even then it is just tired old profanity that has been around about as long as the blueprints for dinosaurs.  I decided a long time ago that I could beat them at their own game, even when it came to profanity.  If all the profanity I was reading was the best that The Faithful could produce (and trust me, for a few years there I began to seriously think that the word "fuck" had somehow become a conjunction and that no one had bothered to tell me), then it really wasn't much of a contest.  Being creative with profanity is just something I’m good at and I do enjoy it, call it a guilty pleasure.   Others seem to enjoy my creativity as well, from what I read in all of the positive emails I receive, the thanks and praise for the laughs and the new words and insults that I share so that others may use them freely on any ignorant hillbillies which might deign to cross their paths.

In hindsight, I believe that I use very little profanity, if you were to judge the instances of profanity on my website vs. the total amount of text present. In fact, I’d say that profanity on my website probably accounts for one or two percent of the total content of one of my (many) websites, all words considered, so it never ceases to amaze me how much it apparently bothers some thin skinned, whiney people.  Yes, I choose to use profanity for a good purpose. I choose to be creative and original with my profanity when I do use it because so very few people are creative or original these days.  I use profanity to spread humor among the more educated members of the human race by poking abject fun at the more uneducated members of the human race.  I take what the Harley owners throw at me and I give it back to them in a strength and ferocity they never dreamed of.

Now, you raise an interesting point here and you ask a very good question, Sparky … Why do law enforcement officers (and other educated professionals (nurses, doctors, firefighters, soldiers, etc. for that matter) often use profanity in the execution of their daily tasks? Do you really want to know why people like me, people who serve the public and put our lives on the line use four letter words, Sparky?


That’s a simple question to answer!

LEOs (and other educated professionals) use four letter words liberally because we have to deal with clueless idiots like YOU on a daily basis.  Five minutes of trying to have a conversation with you and even a devout Catholic nun would be using blistering language that would make a retired sailor blush.


So you hate gun worshiping dumb ass control freak cops? I probably would too, if I knew any but I don’t. Do you know what I hate, Sparky? Do you know what I really and truly hate? I hate stupid, ignorant people and I especially hate the kind of person who is stupid enough to try to insult someone else when they can’t even spell the oh so clichéd insult they intend to use correctly (i.e. “Barny” instead of “Barney”). I hate people who are too stupid to be original, who let someone else think for them because they can't think on their own. I hate people who are so stupid that they can’t even spell the name of what they despise (you hate “Harley” posers not “Harly” posers).  God may have created all men equal but it is the never ending personal quest for higher education (or the lack thereof), the never ending quest to better one’s self, to learn, to advance, to be better tomorrow than you were today which truly sets one human being apart from another.

You snidely say “you can use all the big words you can find in the dictionary” but you would be wrong, again. These “big words” that I use are simply every day common words for me and are spoken quite frequently with a great amount of alacrity. The fact that you, Sparky, personally have to look these words up in a dictionary (a book which I doubt you would have had very much familiarity with before you ever encountered my website) invariably shows a very real (and rather pathetic) lack of formal education on your part. The humorous fact that you have to habitually reference a dictionary in order to find the meaning of some of the words which I use does not surprise me; in fact, I’ve come to expect such behavior from intellectual midgets like you.

So … from a failed and rather inept attempt to insult me, to numerous simple spelling and basic punctuation errors, to not even being able to spell correctly the name of that which you claim you so fervently despise, I think we’ve clearly identified who the real dumb ass is in this discussion, Sparky. Oh, you may say that you hate the Harley posers but the sad fact is that most Harley owners can spell and carry their selves far better in a debate than you do, at least from an intellectual perspective and that's saying something.  It's actually quite sad when someone like you is simply dumber than that which you so fervently hate.

Thank you for the email and thank you for the laughs, chimp.

Retards like you never cease to amuse me.



To:            blackecho
Subject:   real cops
Date:        August 22, 2006

multiply your hatred a thousand times toward harley and you will not come close to how much i hate small town hick wanna be cops. the only real cops are the state cops. you wanna be`s set on the enterstate and steal from people . i cheer when ever one of you assholes get shot. go ahead and correct my spelling, it just shows you never have a real argument and what a fucking idiot you are


To:            blackecho
Subject:   My Hero
Date:        August 22, 2006

Just read your rant to my May 16 email. I must have really pissed you off. I nearly teared up when you talked about your dedication to your community and how you wanted to make it safe for you and your family. You spoke of extended family, I am begging you not to breed anymore as you so fondly tell the Harley riders. Sorry I called you Barney, I meant Deputy Dawg. You wear the uniform of a reserve cop (which means you aren't a real cop) because of your inflated ego. It is all about a power trip and nothing to do with your family or community. If you are as educated as you say you are why would you be some small town cop in Mississippi.



To which I replied



I'll reuse just one sentence from my last posted reply to you in order to answer both of your new emails: "Retards like you never cease to amuse me." 

How's that for brevity, chimp?