Ben Acuff

I get hundreds of emails per week and with my busy schedule answering them takes time, if I can get around to answering them at all. I especially try to answer the emails that sound sincere or that are well written and in doing so sometimes I get fooled into giving someone more credit than they should ever rightfully receive. Case in point with a certain Mr. Ben Acuff.

I found this abhorrent troglodyte’s first email to me interesting enough to put it in my “reply to” folder since he seemed to be asking an honest question and wanted an honest answer. However, his second email to me was a sharp indicator of the diligent ignorance that was to follow. Now, four emails later, Ben’s turned out to be somewhat of a troll. Not the biggest one I’ve ever had to deal with, but then the thread is still young.

Now, truth be known, two of the things which I simply cannot stand in life are impatient people and impatient people who cop attitudes when they don’t get their way right away. Ben’s second email to me fit both of those criteria, coming off as a spoiled little child throwing a temper-tantrum rather than as an educated adult seeking answers to his questions.

I chose to ignore the childish impudence which he displayed and when I did answer his questions in a polite manner, he reversed his direction one eighty and lashed back at me using definitions that he copied verbatim from a dictionary that was nearly as old as Harley Davidson itself. He’s been on the offensive ever since, futile as that may be.

Here is the correspondence so far. I’m sure there will be more to come.


From:           "Ben Acuff" <>
To:                blackecho
Subject:       info request about site
Sent:             Fri, 8 Aug 2003 16:31:16 -0400

BE, i am a honda rider, and found your site thru a kawi forum.

one quick question: you mentioned that you are married and have a child. i am curious about what your wife (or other family) thinks about the site, if in fact it is not simply one huge joke on HD riders.

and to close: if not simply a HUGE goof, with your sharp insights of other's intellect; would you respond with similar mockery if your daughter evolved to be developmentally

any reply welcomed. - ben

I doubt Ben's a Honda owner, as that requires a certain IQ which he simply does not display.  However, believing that Ben was a sincere person who was asking honest questions, I put his email in my 'reply to' folder to be gotten to when and if I had time.  Three days later, a rather impatient Mr. Acuff forwarded his original email to me again, this time with the added incentive of calling me a punk, which, I guess, in his limited mindset is supposed to spur me to action at his beck and call.

From:             "Ben Acuff" <>
To:                  blackecho
Subject:         Fw: info request about GF site
Sent:               Mon, 11 Aug 2003 12:47:06 -0400

so, what do you have to say for yourself punk? - curious


To which I replied …

Lose the peel and stick attitude, Ben, it makes you sound like an eleven year old AOL user who just discovered the adult chat rooms for the very first time.

In reply to your questions and your overriding sense of childish impatience (which irks me almost as much as pure ignorance), my wife fully supports my hobbies and is amused by my writings. I make her laugh, I spread mirth through her life such as no one else ever has. She and I are so perfectly in tune with each other, that one of us can start a thought and the other one will finish it. While my wife would never actively litter her speech with four letter words or original combinations of four letter words like I do (she’s far more refined socially than I am) she can and does appreciate the overall comedy talent and the original effort it takes to belittle the ignorant scoggins who get their feelings hurt by my writings. She is perhaps my greatest admirer, my sharpest critic, and also the one person pushing me the hardest to get my work published. I married quite well, but then good girls have always been attracted to bad boys, and this marriage is a fairy tale romance that’s been going on strong for over ten years now. We compliment each other, when we met, she was very reserved and I was totally wild, since then, we’ve both loosened up and gravitated more towards the middle where we meet. It’s a nice combination. I am her wild side, she is my restraint. It works wonderfully.

Now I don’t know what you mean by my child ‘evolving’ (a process that takes many generations in nature), as I’m sure that you don’t understand the concept of evolution in the slightest, or else you would have used that term in a more correct manner. I will, however, assume that you mean that as my child grows older, as she develops as a sentient human being and a valuable part of human culture and society, that if she is found to be a slow learner, then you wonder if I will ridicule her.

No, I will not.

But then, I don’t expect her to go out and buy into a pretend lifestyle to try to circumvent her ignorance or her disability all the while pretending to be something that she is not. I don’t expect her to be foolish enough to spend a large sum of money for junk, or to try to be some bad ass biker slut on weekends, and say a librarian or dentist during the working week. She will be taught that she must stand and be judged by her peers as the person she is, not the person she pretends to be.

The mistake you are making here is simple.

There’s a big difference between being dumb or retarded because you can’t help it, and being dumb or retarded because you think acting in such a way is trendy and therefore will make you popular with a large social group. Naturally dumb is forgivable, make believe dumb is unpardonable. I make fun of the people who choose to be dumb, not the ones who can’t help it, and I make fun of the ones who not only choose to be dumb, but also pay large amounts of money for the pleasure of being so. I also take special joy in making fun of people who are not only dumb, but are proud of it.

I hope this answers your questions.


I received this rather prompt email in return a day later.


From:        "Ben Acuff" <>
To:             blackecho
Subject:    your ass aint as smart as you think!
Sent:         Tue, 12 Aug 2003 12:01:34 -0400

well BE, it seems youre not as smart as you think!

Webster's 1913 Dictionary Definition: \E*volve"\

1. To unfold or unroll; to open and expand; to disentangle
and exhibit clearly and satisfactorily; to develop; to
derive; to educe.

Webster's 1913 Dictionary Definition: \Ev`o*lu"tion\

1. The act of unfolding or unrolling; hence, in the process
of growth; development;

6. (a) A general name for the history of the steps by which
any living organism has acquired the morphological and
physiological characters which distinguish it; a
gradual unfolding of successive phases of growth or

(b) That theory of generation which supposes the germ to
pre["e]xist in the parent, and its parts to be
developed, but not actually formed, by the procreative

It would seem youve answered your own question.


To which I replied …

I don’t remember asking you any questions, Ben and if I had the answer to a question I was about to ask you, then there wouldn’t be much point in asking you a question, now would there? I do remember giving answers to your questions, and to making statements in my reply. You see, a question would be followed by a question mark (“?”) shown here for your benefit so that you will recognize it more easily in the future. A question mark means that I hope to receive an answer back from you in regards to some question which I have posed to you. As there were no questions posed to you, that would have normally indicated, to an educated person, that I did not need any information in turn from you.

My goodness…

I had truly hoped that you might have been a far more erudite example of the human species instead of just another aboriginal cock troll, but I see that you have dashed my good ship of high hopes against the sharp, jagged rocks of your pervasive ignorance.

When you first used the word "punk" in your email to me, I instinctively knew that I was dealing with someone who operated on or about a functional third grade education level, at best and even though I am a misanthrope by nature, I do like to give people at least the benefit of the doubt as I simply cannot believe that the entire world is composed of monumentally stupid people such as yourself. However, it is the near daily encounters with inept serfs of your sub-caliber mental grade which truly reinforce my belief in that inescapable societal fact.

It pains me to see that the best you can do for a reply is to copy, verbatim I might add, the definition for a word that you don’t understand in the first place, and to in turn copy that definition from a dictionary that is ninety years out of date (much like Harley Davidson motorcycles are). How ironic. This proves to me, as you were so very quick to point out, that "your ass ain't as smart as you think!" In fact, the only part of your email that was both grammatically correct and had the correct punctuation was the part that you copied from a dictionary that was ninety years out of date! I love how your reply starts off ignorant, amazingly somehow spontaneously evolves into a much higher level of intelligence and grammar usage way beyond what you have displayed to me, and then again, towards the end, your reply abruptly de-evolves of its own free will and accord back into your own special form of inbred ignorance and double wide logic.

I applaud your suddenly highly evolved capacity to copy word for word from one publication to another, a labor I would refer to as a ‘scribe’, which is in and of itself a valuable skill mastered in ancient Egypt and even long before that. I believe that skill alone makes you very similar to a Xerox machine in cognitive reasoning and learning capacity; i.e. you’re obviously very good at reproducing stuff, but if we were to ask you to spit out anything original we could all form a circle and stand around you all day, kicking you to our heart’s delight without the slimmest hope of getting any worthwhile results …

I truly believe that you may be the only person in the world who uses the term ‘evolve’ to refer to the growth and development of a child. You wanted me to ask you a question, then so be it. I’ll even answer it for you, since you apparently have said that I am prone to answering my own questions:

Q: When was the last time you honestly heard anybody ask “How are your children? Oh, my, look at them! They’ve really evolved, haven’t they?”

A: Never.

Thank you for playing, Ben. I applaud your pitiful effort with a hearty guffaw and a poignant wag of my finger.



Well fuck me with a rusty old monkey-wrench and tell me that I’m having a birthday party while you’re doing it! It’s the fourth email from Ben Acuff and only a month and a half went by since our last verbal entanglement.  Apparently Ben's not only a slow learner, but also a slow typist.  Unwilling to accept euthanasia without anesthesia as his only recourse in life, Ben sent me this email a few days ago. I guess this Onanist  felt that I somehow cared to know that he hadn’t masturbated himself to death in the meantime and that he was also still willing to spar with me mentally. Alas, my already limited patience for this dim witted livestock molester has finally played out…

Keep your forks, kiddies because there’s cake ahoy!


From:            "Ben Acuff" <>
To:                  blackecho
Subject:        bullshit echo
Sent:              Wed, 24 Sep 2003 19:56:24 -0400

you sir are an idiot, with way too much time on your hands.

its like you bought a dictionary and decided to learn 10 big words to impress your even dumber friends. you are the archtype BIG fish in a very small barrel there in ole miss. your musings are interesting for about 2 minutes, then grow tiresome quickly. im sure you get plenty of hits, but excepting the bottom feeders lower than even you, they are laughing at you rather than with you. do you kiss your mother with that mouth? in years gone by, before the web, and your ability to "publish" your inane ramblings, you would have just been considered to be some folks "crazy" neighbor. you are approx 1 step up the evolutionary scale above the very people you poke fun of. 1 step at most.

PLEASE keep up your invaluable efforts!

anxiously awaiting your enlightened response.


To which I replied

you sir are an idiot, with way too much time on your hands.

While you, sir, are an ignorant, crotch nuzzling, penis-troll, and a rather small one at that. I would have thought that Terminex sprayed for people like you.

its like you bought a dictionary and decided to learn 10 big words to impress your even dumber friends.

No, sir, it’s like I have a college education which subsequently means that I’m considered to be an all powerful wizard by run of the mill, monobrow, twizzle fucks such as your self. The ability to retain and use “big” words, which are an integral part of an extensive, educated vocabulary, without having to resort to copying verbatim from a dictionary (and a 90 year old dictionary at that) is a valuable societal skill which is derived from having actually completed and earned a higher education. Not that you would know that … Anyone who uses the term “big words” to describe how someone else talks is obviously an uneducated stump trained buffoon suitable only for sport and mockery.

you are the archtype BIG fish in a very small barrel there in ole miss.

The word you are so desperately trying to use is correctly spelled “archetype”, thus more than aptly proving that at least the “archetype BIG fish in a very small barrel here in ole Miss” is still a hell of a lot smarter than you are, Mr. Acuff.  What is an "archtype", is that some form of architecture?  Perhaps it is an element of Greco-Roman design that I am not familiar with.

your musings are interesting for about 2 minutes, then grow tiresome quickly.

Then my musings apparently have much in common with your emails.

im sure you get plenty of hits, but excepting the bottom feeders lower than even you, they are laughing at you rather than with you.

My server and network software shows me how many people visit my site, but I tend to judge my hits by email rather than hit counters because hit counters never leave feedback, good or bad. Since I generally receive ten (or more) positive emails for every negative email which I receive, I’ll leave the field research to my educated analysis rather than to your finger digging, ass scratching, brow furrowing, uneducated guessing.

do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Why? Was it your turn next?

in years gone by, before the web, and your ability to "publish" your inane ramblings, you would have just been considered to be some folks "crazy" neighbor.

You must sit alone at home a lot, don’t you, Mr. Acuff? Beer and masturbation are your only friends and by the manner in which you are typing, I can tell you’ve probably run out of beer long ago

you are approx 1 step up the evolutionary scale above the very people you poke fun of. 1 step at most.

Well, you certainly have a lot of room to talk, Mr. Acuff, for when it comes to the human race, people like you are still looking for both a sponsor and a pit crew.

PLEASE keep up your invaluable efforts!

I shall, have no fear in that. My crusade against rampant, trendy ignorance such as yours continues unabated (and apparently, unchallenged as well).

anxiously awaiting your enlightened response.

Why would you be doing that, Mr. Acuff? After all, you couldn’t find your own ass with a roadmap, a flashlight, two hands, and a ten minute head start, so I doubt you would ever be able to find something as complicated or deep as enlightenment.

In closing, it is my fondest wish that your family continues to evolve, Mr. Acuff. Who knows, maybe in a few years, they might even have lost their prehensile tails, started walking semi-erect without dragging their knuckles and will be using AOL instead of Mindspring.

Now that would truly be an example of evolution.