Everything I needed to know
I learned from 3rdGen F-Body owners
Enjoy these tidbits of idiocy. One day I
may write a book about my time spent among these sad ignorant gibbons. It would
probably sell well in academic and psychology circuits or at least wind up in the comedy
section next to Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck ..."
You might be a third
gen F-body owner if ...
"JUST SAY NO TO SHIT! (imagine this tag line with a picture
of an EFI setup with the circle / slash symbol across it). I swear.
Most third gen owners are doing damn good just to be able to figure out how to
make fire without rubbing two sticks together, let alone something as complex as
computer controlled digital multi-port fuel injection.
The only real induction system is a carburetor. Yank all that fancy
high-tech EFI crap off of your engine. The average 3rdGen F-body owner isn't smart
enough to work with anything as high tech as EFI anyway... Too bad a LS1 comes with
SFI. I bet it would be faster with a Holley on top... Remember! Say no
to shit! ("Shit" is anything not a carburetor.)
- TBI sucks. Yank it off and put a carburetor on top.
- TPI sucks. Yank it off and put a carburetor on top.
- Tear out that computer while
you're at it! You don't need it to go fast! It just gets in the
- The only REAL TPI motor was the 350 TPI (even though the TPI
system was originally designed for the smaller 305 engine
- "305 TPI motors run faster than 350 TPI motors
because they got port velocity." Actual quote
from a message forum.
- "Switching from the factory TBI to a 600 cfm Holley carb is
worth 50 horses alone because of the larger intake manifold
design." Another choice quote from the message forums.
- "Homosexual / same sex couples make better parents than
traditional heterosexual couples because the homosexual couples respect each other and
love each other and won't cheat on each other like heterosexual couples will. This
makes for a more stable relationship and a much more stable family."
from a non-tech discussion thread on thirdgen.org.
- Dale Earnhardt was GOD! He did more for this world
than Mother Theresa or Princess Diana ever did. There should be a national Dale
Earnhardt memorial in Washington ... There should be a national Dale Earnhardt
holiday. We should retire the number "3" from NASCAR and not let anyone
ever race with that number ever again.
- A #3 decal is worth 5
- I lost track of how many F-body
owners added some fruity gay-ass tribute to Dale Earnhardt in their sigs after
You wouldn't believe the collage of Earnhardt pictures and overall sappiness
that spewed forth from all the crying, bawling, wailing and lamenting trailer
park trash when this redneck PKZipped himself against a retaining wall and did
society a favor by checking out of life.
Face it, folks; Dale Earnhardt died screaming like a drag queen on the front
row of a Barbara Streisand concert.
- Why won't my OEM 5 speed stay alive behind my 383 TPI with
15 pounds of boost supercharger and 150 horsepower of nitrous?
Is it because I'm sidestepping the clutch at 5000 rpm before I hit the juice?
- V6 Firebirds and Camaros weren't "REAL"
Firebirds and Camaros. They are just Camaros and Firebirds only in name. REAL
Camaros and Firebirds had a V8 from the factory. You guys with the V6 and four
cylinder cars are not driving real Camaros and Firebirds, you're just posing.
They shouldn't even be allowed to be on this message board. This board should only
be for real Camaros and Firebirds. (Yes, this was an actual discussion
from a forum member. Sad.)
- From the factory, my IROC has the word IROC-Z on each wheel
cap, a IROC-Z emblem on each quarter panel, a big IROC-Z decal on each door, a IROC-Z
emblem on the rear bumper, and a IROC-Z plate on the dash. What do you guys think
about the big custom decal I put on my windshield that says "IROC-Z"? I
think it identifies my car and makes it stand out. I really need my car to say
"IROC-Z" eleven times throughout the car before I think someone will recognize
just what it is that I am driving...
- Long posts suck. The typical 3rdGen owner isn't smart
enough to make it past the first five words of a complex sentence anyway. Paragraphs
need not even be applied... Post pictures instead.
- Monosyllable replies rule! Be sure to do posts with
simple replies like: Uh! Yeah. No. Uh. Uh! Uh!!! Huh?
- A highly detailed engine bay is considered a direct
replacement for careful parts selection. It doesn't matter if all those parts don't
go fast, just that they look GOOD!
- "I wasn't going to get into this conversation until you
said something bad about Dale Earnhardt..." Oh,
please. Cry me a river, you hee-haw inbred stumpfuck redneck.
- Chrome is worth more than gold.
- A 3.1 V6 F-body will outrun a 5.0 liter V8 TBI
F-body, stock for stock, mod for mod.
- Talk like a homey. It makes you look fly on the
boards. Yo! Hanging and chillin with all my fly F-body
bruddas. Word. Up. Got the latest Eminem CD?
Don't make me grab my nine while I'm chillin with my forty and my biatch, I'll
bust a cap in yo ass. Relate. Got to represent my F-body posse!
- "We're all bisexual. There is this thing called
'puberty' and our bodies go through lots of chemical changes and we all end up
bisexual. If the chemicals don't mix right, then we turn out homosexual.
I learned that in biology." Another
discussion thread tidbit of enlightenment from the now long defunct
thirdgen.org non-tech board.
- Jester and Pablo; the "ChrisFormula355" and
"Vadim" of the Deep South
- Dale Earnhardt walked on water. There will NEVER
be another professional racer like Dale Earnhardt.
(and thank God for that!)
- It is OK if you are a senior in high school and want to date
a 13 year old, if she is hot enough. Post pics! Got any nude pics?
Let's see her naked, man!!!! Tell us about the sex you
two are having!
- Some bad personal hygiene habits can cause your pee to smell
like vinegar and salt potato chips. This topic was
discussed on a thirdgen.org non-tech board thread.
- All of my friends are homosexual, but I'm not.
Really. Why don't you guys believe me? Homosexuals make great friends.
They're warm, and compassionate, and they're always there for me when I need to talk and
express myself. My homosexual friends sure spend a lot more time with me than you
guys do... and they care!
- Street racing is cool! Especially if someone
almost gets hurt because of your stupidity or
your inability to drive ...
- Mommy bought me a helicopter ride for my birthday.
It was so cool! I could see my car from way up there! It
looked good! I waxed it with Zaino so it really shined.
They wouldn't let me take my camera on the helicopter, so I
couldn't get any pictures to show you all.
- Burnouts in the parking lot of the local burger restaurant
or mall are so cool! Why does everyone think that F-body owners are retards?
They're probably just jealous of all of this power that we display whenever we want to.
- If you drive at triple digits through a neighborhood after
9:00 PM at night and a small child gets hit by your car, it is the *CHILD'S FAULT* for being out
that late at night. What were the parents thinking?
Letting their child out in a neighborhood after dark like that?!
handguns on other people who you have just pissed off in
traffic is cool! Having THAT person pull a gun on YOU in return isn't
cool. That sucks big time, man!
They shouldn't allow people to carry guns in cars, that's dangerous!
Someone could get shot!" Yes. Sadly, this was the gist of a thread
posted by Vadim from a long, long time ago.
- When you pass someone in your Camaro or Firebird, prove how
good your suspension and motor is to theirs by running right up on their bumper, slamming
your F-body into the other lane, nailing it, and passing the poor Yugo like it was
standing still. That showed them that they need to get a 'real' car...
- You get more air to your engine if you leave the air filter
off at the track and can notice some serious horsepower gains. This works on the
street as well. Why your carburetor and motor gums up and starts running rough is
still a mystery...
- What is wrong with buying stolen autoparts? They've
already been stolen, so it's not like I'm stealing them! I can get a Vortec
R-trim supercharger for $300. The part number is filed off so I know it is
'hot.' If I don't get it, then someone else will get it so somewhere,
someone is going to buy these parts so why shouldn't it be me getting the good
deal? I don't see anything wrong with it, personally. Do you guys?
- Women are furniture. Use them and lose them.
Then go have a beer. And get drunk. And tune your carburetor...
- "I'm anti-Christian, anti-God and pro-abortion!
All of my friends are homosexual, but I'm not! My name is "Demon." I
drive a Camaro Z28 that I made into an IROC. Fear me!"
How about not, you backwards cap sporting, baggy pants wearing monobrow
- The best time to work on your F-body is when
you are stoned or drunk. In hindsight, this is
what probably leads to most EFI to carb swaps in the first place.
- TBI and TPI require at least a 6th grade education to
understand. No wonder so many F-body owners switch over to carburetors...
Carbs require only a 2nd grade education and that is for the OEM electronic choke models.
- Legalize Pot! I'm tired of having to hide my stash in
the rear spare tire compartment of my Camaro / Firebird ...
- Stereo and audio equipment is as much a 'mod' as new heads
and a high performance camshaft. Who needs horsepower
and torque when you can have decibels and bass?
- Those triangular air cleaners really work! My engine
sounds awesome now! Why did I lose power?
- If you are a female, post your pictures! We think it is
cool that you drive a Camaro or Firebird, but we rather see pics of YOU instead. No,
we don't have a life. Please humor us. Please? Please? Chicks are
cool! Got any nude pics of yourself? Got any friends?
Got a sister? Post some bikini shots of you washing
your car with soap bubbles all over you and your ass stuck up in the air! Are you coming to
the regional meet? Will you be wearing a bikini when you show up?
Will you wash your car in a bikini when you show up? Will you wash my car
in a bikini if I buy you a bikini to wear? Can I ride in your
car with you? Can I get my picture taken with you on the hood of my car.
You are so, so hot! I am in love, baby!
- Any time a female appears on the board, the average maturity
level of the males present drops by 50% or lower, often falling to single year age digits
and pre-puberty levels.
- "Wow! It's a hot blonde
with a Formula! Let's nominate her the Formula owner of the century!"
Not kidding, the owner of The Formula Source website did this back in 2000.
I think the girl turned out to be some kind of "professional escort" and in
trouble with the law where she lived which made it all the more funny.
- Your sig is the most important part of your message.
Make sure that you list EVERY single damn thing that you have done to your car so that we
can all go 'oooh!' and 'Ah!.' Please make your sig consistently longer than anything
else you post. Please include your lengthy sig with EVERY single post you make
during a reply, even if you only reply with a monosyllable grunt.
ThirdGen owners. They can't read more than a paragraph of a post but
they'll all have four paragraph signatures.
- Content of posting is not as important as the number of
posts that you have. Remember, the NUMBER of posts that you've made determines if
you are truly a valuable member of this board, the count of your total posts, not what you
had to say in them. The more you post, obviously the more important and the smarter
you are! If you have 4000 or more posts, you automatically get ASE certification!
- Free posts DO count
- The only dumb question is the next one you are going to
ask. Please check the old dusty archives before you ask a technical question.
We'll have the archives up and running in a few weeks, we hope. Until then we really
can't be bothered to go over old stuff that has been put into the archives because we are
tired of answering it ... That's what the archives are
there for, to answer old dumb questions. We're sorry the archives
option currently isn't working on the website.
- There is nothing wrong with smoking pot. I've done it
for over ten years now. I'm 30 years old, drive a '89 RS Camaro, and I've just been
promoted to be the junior shift leader at McDonald's. Yes, I still live with my
mother. Pot isn't bad for you... I'm living proof !
- Platinum plugs are a 'mod.'
- Not that I'm asking or anything like I'm going to do it or
such, but where would you find a place to buy those aquarium things that let you grow
marijuana in your closet?
- Making fun of Ford and import owners is fun and
cool. We're so mature. Why do people look down on all of us
F-body owners? We're not really dopey retards.
- Stupid ricers! What is up with their 'teams' that they
put together? That is SO damn stupid and dumb. Who wants to be a part of my
"crew" that I'm putting together? "Teams" are
stupid. "Crews" are cool!
- K&N filters are a 'mod.' You can get like
horsepower just by switching to a K&N filter. Don't worry about cleaning them or
oiling them, you don't have to clean them for a million miles, says so on the box.
- Taking off your TBI system, putting a carburetor on,
encountering a lot of problems, and then actually going SLOWER than before is now
considered 'progress' in some 'elite' circles. Especially if you paint your
carburetor a cool color to match your car. Carburetors, gotta love 'em. No
other reason to use them in an age of EFI, unless you just
can't afford a decent paperweight for your desk.
- Hey! I found a guy with a car that isn't exactly like
ours and he has a guest book on his website! Let's go trash his guestbook
and make fun of him and his car!
- Flame war!
- Other board flame war! Let's go over THERE and trash
THEIR site! Wahooo!
- We're ICON. You're not exactly like us therefore you
- Be sure to have your screen name have something to do with
ALL the cars that you currently own like: "Matt89B4C/911LE" or who can ever
forget "Dave84HO." Picking your favorite band and your car works well too,
like "Metallicamaro84HOrox" or "GODSMACKZ28" or something equally
dumb, bland, and unimaginative.
- "Do you think you can fuck with me? Well?
Do you?" part of the sig of a guy I was having a discussion with, listing all of his
'mods.' He had a low 15 / high 14 second IROC-Z, I had a low 12 second Lingenfelter
IROC. My reply to him? "Yes. I can." It seems the fewer
the mods F-body owners have, the harsher the attitude they projected. Give a guy a
four cylinder powered base Camaro, and he would think he was Mr. Goodwrench on the boards.
- Originality is a sin. Be like everyone else. We don't
A Z28 front clip on a Firebird will look cool, and will be
original. Z28 wheels on a Trans-Am and vice-versa are also considered 'cool' and
different. You have to respect someone's wish to trash the entire breed, make an ass
out of their self, and generally make the whole genre of cars look like a redneck
throwback. But then we wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings by telling them that
putting Z28 wheels on a Trans-Am or a Z28 front clip on a Firebird wouldn't just be
'different', or that it would be STUPID.
And if you ever thought this would be a "cool" idea, here is proof positive of
just why it will look like complete stale ass...
- Be a diehard 3rdGen owner, then go out and buy a
4thGen and start talking smack about how bad the 3rdGens are.
Oh, and be sure to still hang out on
3rdGen based boards when you do so, just so you can let people know how much better you
are now than they are. You probably wouldn't last long against 'real' 4th Gen owners,
so you hang out on 3rdGen boards and brag about how much greater your LS1 is than any
3rdGen motor, especially the V6 and 5.0 carb / TBI powered cars. Three weeks ago,
you were a die hard 3rdGen owner... Now you're just another 4thGen wannabe poser.
- It's not 'what you have' that is important.
It is 'what you are GOING to have' that really counts.
- Free post!
- A block of scrap wood under your rear end can do
wonders for your traction. And it is free!
- I raced a Yugo with my 383 Vortec blown TPI stroker and beat
it by 40 car lengths! The other guy couldn't drive! What a moron!
- Mustang owners are all gay. Why *FORD* sells so many
Rustangs, we'll never know...
- 2.8 liter V6s can run over 140mph with just a few mods...
- The ruder you are to people, the cooler you are on the
- Nothing beats a 305 or 350 with a carburetor on top!
- A 305 Chevy is not a real motor.
- In order to beat a 302 Mustang, you have to have a 350
minimum and preferably a 383, a 400, or a 454. That's
because GM rocks!
- The biggest asshole is always the winner of any
argument and considered to be the coolest and most knowledgeable person
in the F-body group.
- When people insult your most dedicated board members or
those who take up for you on a constant basis, sit back and don't do a thing about it.
When people insult your wife, she will pull the plug on the whole damn site and you
and her will go hide for several weeks and leave EVERYONE hanging in nowhere e-space
wondering WTF happened... Especially those who sent you money to buy the new system
that you are running on.
- We don't want any trash on OUR site, so lets go
trash someone else's site. We're too good to have that kind of stuff on our
- Let's go trash ANOTHER site, and then leave our sigs and
lead the other people back over HERE to OUR board. And then get mad that those
people would come over here and trash OUR website. What a bunch of losers on those
OTHER boards ... going around trashing people's websites.
They need to seriously get a life!
- We don't need a non-tech board. We want to keep our
site "pure." (and boring...)