Realty Services was this remote location where home loans were finalized, property was sold, etc. It was mostly crewed by people who thought that calculators were magic. I mean, they could sell the ever living hell out of property and real estate, but when it came to anything electronic... Case in point: backups of their computer data.
During my 4 years at Magnolia Federal bank, I traveled to RS many times to fix computer problems (this was DOS and Win 3.11 related software). These people were constantly crashing their computers and so we instructed them on how to backup their data. When they were incapable of following the simple directions, we introduced them to the one step menu based batch file system of backing up their data. They had a lot of trouble with this as well... But WHEN they DID backup their data, that's when the fun began, because of the various means that these people would have of putting their valuable data backup disk in 'safe keeping'. These were our favorite methods that we discovered.
How NOT to treat your backup data disk!
1) Backup disk attached to the side of the computer with a magnet (metal case of the tower).
2) Backup disk pinned to the cork board (pinned THROUGH the disk itself, with a push pin)
3) 3.5" Backup disk used as a coaster for a can of Diet Coke
4) 5.25" Backup disk used as a coaster for a plastic cup of ice and Diet Coke (the condensation was very thorough...)
5) 5.25" Backup data disk folded in half so it would fit in an envelope taped to the wall, marked "IMPORTANT: BACKUP DATA DISK! DO NOT THROW AWAY!"
6) 5.25" Backup data disk SHARED between two users, one would write their data on it one day, the next day, the other would use the same disk thus over-writing the first users data. Virtual see-saw. It just so happened that on the day one user's computer failed, the other user's data was on the disk. And they had a supply closet with 10 boxes of disks on the shelf.
After a while, it got pretty funny and Realty Services became known within our department and soon other departments as REALITY SERVICES because nothing that they did there was based at all on logical thought or reality. They were the brunt of all of our inner office / department jokes. Then one day I get an interoffice memo to my cubicle. I don't see the courier, but the FROM is labeled with REALTY SERVICES, which is suspicious, and the TO is of course, my name. I open the courier envelope and find the following item and attached note in it... For those of you who can't make it out, this is a 5.25" floppy disk with the magnetic media torn out of the protective folder, wadded up and then partially re-inserted into the media folder.
"Christopher, would you mind running DISKFIX for me? Thanks! Realty Services"
I about lost it I was laughing so hard, and the moment I started laughing was the moment that Chris Ryals started laughing, so I knew who had sent it to me.
DATE: Jan 13, 1993
(in the year of our Lord)
TO: REALTY SERVICES
FROM: Information Systems
RE: Your latest computer problem
After thoroughly looking into your problem, and after lengthy discussion with the best minds in this department and this corporation, we have concluded that you are SOL (shit out of luck). We thank you for this opportunity to serve you and are sincerely sorry that we could not have been of more assistance in this matter.
MAGNOLIA FEDERAL BANK
INFORMATION SYSTEMS DEPARTMENT
FLOW CHART OF BASIC ELECI'RONIC EQUIPMENT OPERATING SKILLS
After reviewing your resume and your work record, we here at Magnolia Federal Bank for Savings have come to the conclusion that you are eligible for one of two positions that are currently open at our institution.
The first position that we are advertising and looking to fill is at Realty Services. There are no requirements for this job other than the ability to say 'Kamnluhhhhh' really loud or to sit around all day long and consume massive amounts of coffee, occasionally breaking a multi-thousand dollar piece of computer equipment because you are too lazy to pick up the phone and call for instructions on how to use it.
The second position is Paint Dryer. As a paint dryer, you would be expected to stand around freshly painted walls, tables, chairs, etc. and use the God given air in your lungs and your two pursed lips to blow the paint dry. Good lungs, willingness to work, patience and neatness, attention to detail, neat appearance, a high school education, punctuality, must have scored at least a 10 or more on the ACT, and the ability not to knuckle-walk around the office are all essential qualities for application to this position.
We here at the bank would very much like to see you fill the Paint Dryer position as we fill that if you decided to do so, you would at least be doing some work for our institution in a capacity that was beneficial to us in the long run.
Looking to hear from you soon with regards to your career choice.
MGT of MFB