Studies have shown that you are using only  10% of your total brain capacity...   (3% if you are a NASCAR fan)

Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?

wpeC5.jpg (9935 bytes)
optipessimism: looking forward to seeing the dumb in people.

BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.

 

OH SHIT!

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I look forward to the day when technology will allow us to send and receive scratch and sniff faxes.

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Another entry for an online contest of take a scene from one movie
and add the dialog from another movie...

Strangely, it fits perfectly.

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Some newbie joined the forums the other day and his first post
was about how he thought he might have Jedi powers...

Here is my answer to his question.

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A recent contest was held to come up with alternate endings to movies. 
Here's how I always thought Star Wars should have ended...

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From the "Star Trek meets Deliverance" file...

This is what happens when the Collective decides to land in Lamar County.

"Ya'll asses is going to be as-sim-ah-lated, ya hear?!  Goot!  Goot!  Goot!"

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I love Foxnews.com.

 They always seem to make a screw up or two every day.
This caption was rapidly changed, but I caught it before they did.

I just bet they revisited online porn.  Bwahahahaha.

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LAMAR COUNTY, MS OFFICIALLY ADOPTS DALE EARNHARDT
AS THEIR PERSONAL LORD AND SAVIOR


SEEN ON THE BACK WINDOW OF A PICKUP IN LAMAR COUNTY

Lamar County loves anything with NASCAR, from the state NASCAR tags to all the bumper stickers and window decals. The Earnhardt stuff really, really gripes me because I think he's actually become a deity to ignorant rednecks... Dale has taken the place of Jesus in modern lore. After all, Jesus is just an old boring story in an old book they make you read in church, but Dale, Dale was real, and he died for your sins, and you saw it happen live on TV.

Never forget Dale.  He is seated at the left hand of Gawd Almighty.

I think having some form of Dale icon on your car or truck is a prerequisite for living in Lamar county, where I see most of this stuff. They probably have little stone statues of him in all the trailer parks and pray to him like a saint...

"Saint Earnhardt, if you can hear me, just let the cops search the double wide, don't let them find the dope in my El Camino out back on blocks... Please, Saint Earnhardt, if you do this for me, I won't ever talk bad about your boy again.  I'll even go take the Jeff Gordon sticker off my wife's Camaro and I'll slap the bitch if she gives me any sass about it."

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Someone sent me this picture of a diehard NASCAR fan.

I made it better.

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From the "Sweet Irony" file...

Critics said the partial birth ban, twice vetoed by President Clinton, was part of a larger agenda to undermine the 1973 Supreme Court decision supporting a womanís right to end a pregnancy. Itís ďan attempt to whittle away at a womanís constitutional right to her privacy and control of her body,Ē said Rep. Louise Slaughter, D-N.Y.

I find it ironic that such a strong supporter of the right to kill defenseless, unborn children would be a democrat with the last name of Slaughter.

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In case anyone hasn't figured this out yet, Howard Dean is a fucking idiot.

Recently, Dean said that the Democrats needed the "racist vote" and that belonged to 'white guys in the South who drove pickups and proudly displayed the rebel flag."

"The flag is a racist symbol," Dean said. "But I think there are lot of poor people who fly that flag because the Republicans have been dividing us by race since 1968 with their Southern race strategy. .... I want to go down to the South and talk to people who don't make any more than anybody else up North but keep voting Republican against their own economic interests."

Mr. Dean, it isn't the Republicans who have been dividing the nation along racial lines, it is the Democrats.  You will never get the vote of white males who display the rebel flag because you want to take all of their hard earned money away and give it to minorities who choose not to work.  You want to take their guns away and leave them unprotected.  You want to take their religion away and then you wonder why they don't vote for you.

Senator John Edwards, who represents North Carolina, was unwilling to let the subject go.

"Let me tell you, the last thing we need in the South is somebody like you coming down and telling us what we need to do."

Amen.

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PREVIOUS DARK THOUGHTS
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I bet it's really hard to blow a bubble with Feenamint gum ...

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kumho tires.gif (4677 bytes)

Bwahahahahahahaha!  Yes, it is a real tire company.

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Now, I consider myself pretty jaded but the other day I saw something that just disturbed me on some level I couldn't quite identify.  I was walking around the mall and ran into something that can only be described as real life non-sequitor.  As the crowd parted in front of me, I found myself walking a few steps behind a rather fat little girl, who couldn't have been more than seven or eight.  Normally that wouldn't bother me, but the fact that she had a full sized boat oar in her hands and was walking around the mall with it just led to a bunch of unanswered questions.  I didn't know of any shops in the mall which sold boat oars, and I couldn't see why a parent would allow their child to walk around the crowded mall with a piece of sporting equipment that was easily twice the size the child was.  It was all very strange and I'm sure there's a good story that explains it...

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The Dark Thoughts Dictionary defines "Sex Change Operation" as: artificial infemination.

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The Empire's newest super-weapon ... Goatstar.

wpe3.jpg (12112 bytes)

A few people will get this...

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From the Dark One to the Man in Black,

goodbye old friend and thanks for the music...  You will be missed.

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Nothing like a good dose of patriotism and cheap ass, double-wide trinkets.

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You know you're in BFE when the local parts house also sells bait...

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Why churches should have a content checker on the payroll ...

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Recently there was a graphic contest where you took one famous movie,
and added a line from another famous movie so that it strangely went together.

Here's my humble submission.

dynamite deathstar.jpg (17614 bytes)

Some of you younger visitors might not get the reference.
It's a tribute to two of the greatest movies ever made.

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Another piece of graphic humor I did.

TLOTR2T911.jpg (47209 bytes)

The play on words was just too great to pass up.
Surprised no one has done this angle before, it was kind of obvious.

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wpe1.jpg (9657 bytes)

This is Crystal Gayle

wpe2.jpg (9495 bytes)

This is Crystal Gayle as a hirsute fantasy model

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Another funny Star Wars picture I did for a thread...

Oh no!  The Rebellion has a new secret weapon!

death_star_on_tee.jpg (18435 bytes)

Thanks to Longmire for the graphics help.

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Another funny photo I thought of to make fun of the NAMBLA weirdoes.  Here's the perfect excuse to play doctor...

namblance-smaller.jpg (32446 bytes)

Thanks to Longmire for the graphics help.

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Recently, in a forum thread, I found that another forum member had been propositioned at her favorite deli.  She was a married woman and had been, for the past several weeks, receiving discounts on her orders.  One day, she found a 'love letter' in her meal bag, wrapped up with her sandwich.  She posted the letter to the forum and we had great fun with it.  I was the only one to pick up on one line of the hand written letter, which, I thought said "Your cells leave me distracted."  It was actually "Your calls leave me distracted.", but the handwritten 'a' looked just like an 'e', so I had some fun with my new buzz phrase.  Here's the fruits of my efforts.

yourcells1.jpg (26566 bytes)

Too obvious, and not funny enough, so I threw in a MATRIX angle and it became perfect.

cellssmith1.jpg (13337 bytes)

cellssmith2.jpg (12813 bytes)

Agent Smith owns your soul.  Yes he does.

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I wonder if the Fantastic Four were Galactos Intolerant?

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And speaking of old Galactos...

surfer2.jpg (49816 bytes)

Did you ever kind of wonder if the SILVER SURFER

wpe1.jpg (25629 bytes)

and the T1000 were separated at birth?

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From the "Just when you thought you couldn't lose any more faith in humanity" file

Teen accused of striking jogger had grisly list of resolutions -Wednesday, August 6, 2003    

GREAT FALLS, Montana (AP) -- A teenager accused of running down a jogger in hopes of having sex with her corpse drafted a macabre list of "resolutions" a year earlier that included a desire to "taste human flesh" and shoot someone, according to court documents.

School officials were alerted to Daniel Robbins' list at the time and met several times with his parents, but the boy had no other problems in school, a police officer testified Tuesday.

The list of New Year's resolutions Robbins assembled as part of a typing class assignment was entered as evidence during a hearing to determine whether the 16-year-old should be tried as an adult for the May 27 jogger attack.

Police say Robbins said in a videotaped interview that he picked the jogger at random and deliberately hit her with his vehicle. Investigators said he told a friend who was with him that he planned to have sex with the body, and repeated those statements to police.

Patty Emanuel, 40, suffered a broken pelvis, vertebrae and ribs and other injuries. She spent a month in the hospital.

Robbins was arrested the day of the attack after his companion told his mother what happened. The companion was not charged.

The police officer assigned to Russell High School, Daralee Murphy, testified Tuesday that school officials met with Robbins and his parents several times after his teacher alerted them to the boy's "resolutions."

In addition to tasting human flesh and shooting someone on a camping trip, Robbins listed among his goals: "Get a driver's license so I can do those horrible things people like to read about in the paper."

He made the list on January 6, 2002, when he was 15.

Robbins remains in custody at a juvenile detention center. Judge Kenneth Neill gave attorneys another week to submit more information on whether Robbins would be tried as an adult.

If convicted as an adult, Robbins could get as much as life in prison. If convicted as a juvenile, he could be held until age 18, then would be on probation until he's 21.

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I hate fucking furrys.

If you don't know what a "furry" is, count yourself lucky.  Here's a hint to help you make up your mind if you want this carnal knowledge, imagine two people who get off, sexually, on dressing up in team mascot costumes and rutting until they find the wet spot.  Imagine that there is even an Ebay like system of selling their kink-specific merchandise and it's called, of all things, Furbay.

Warning!  Your mind will never be the same if you follow the path down the rabbit hole if you choose to gain this knowledge.

For those who want to see just how damn ignorant these soft fucks can be, I present to you Lord Ryven, perhaps the greatest dumbfuck furry of them all.

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Q: What do you call a furry who's into fisting?

A: Handpuppet.

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I really, really hate Furrys.   Did I mention that already?  Good.

wpe1.jpg (9026 bytes)

WARNING: THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN NUTS AND OR NUT PRODUCT.

  This was a rather obvious piece of anti-furry humor as well.

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Oh, and just in case you didn't get enough of the furry forums, try the VAMPIRE forums for a serious case of side splitting laughs at total fucking idiots and retards.   Yes, these people are real.  And they have serious issues.

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I hate Soccer Moms.  Now there is another idiotic life form to hate; NASCAR DADS!

NASCAR dads are generally white, working class and rural -- as well as racing fans (duh, imagine that.  I wonder why they're called "NASCAR dads"... )-- and they could emerge as a leading demographic force in the 2004 elections.  (oh, let's hope not.  I'd hate to know that a decision that affected the future of the country was carried by a group of people who sit in the hot sun on metal seats and watch cars go around in a big circle real fast.)

“Sometime they vote, sometime they don’t, and when they do, they tend to vote Republican, but can be persuaded to vote for a populist Democrat,” said Larry Sabato, director of the Center for Politics at the University of Virginia, describing the NASCAR dads.

And sometimes they live in a trailer park, and sometimes they beat their wives, and sometimes they don't pay child support, and most own a 1982 to 1992 Camaro or Firebird, IROC-Zs and Monte Carlo SS's are very popular models of cars among this demographic, with a strong showing by the Chevy El Camino. Harley Davidson is always a perennial favorite with this group as well. -BE

Also called softball dads or office park dads, they are expected to be one of three major forces in 2004, along with married white females and Hispanics.

Sen. Bob Graham , who is seeking the Democratic primary nomination, has already figured out the potential strength of NASCAR dads and has made an effort to reach out to them by plastering his name on a Craftsman truck participating in the NASCAR circuit.  Graham has suggested that his more liberal opponents have no chance of winning the group over, but the Florida Democrat may also have trouble attracting the crowd, said one expert.

White males are not a swing vote; they are a Republican constituency,” said election analyst Stu Rothenberg of the Rothenberg Report.

Al Gore  received only 36 percent of the white male vote (because he's a fucking wimp) against George Bush in 2000, less than Bill Clinton  in either 1992 or 1996. In a poll recently released by the centrist Democratic Leadership Council, now only 24 percent of white males consider themselves Democrats.

Well, there may be hope for the endangered white male after all... -BE

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I lost some of my last remaining shreds of faith in humanity the other day. 

I was on a service call and stopped off at a quick stop to get something to drink.  Now quick stops are known for having large amounts of tacky crap, but I found two pieces of tacky crap that just really made me loose serious chunks of my faith in humanity as a species.  Gimp and I were laughing at a tacky rendition of Jesus and the Twelve Disciples enjoying THE LAST SUPPER.  Now, I don't know what we did, as a species, before the miraculous advent of fiber optic lighting technology, but having the entire backdrop to the resin cast of the LAST SUPPER shimmer, pulse and light up probably made some hill scoggin get really damp and have to buy it.   The only down side of this marvelous piece of redneck double wide decor was the price tag, a whopping $39.99.  That's a lot of beer and cigarettes for something that amounted to an indoor bug zapper in entertainment value.  Maybe like if Jesus' hands glowed, or he had a fiber optic halo, or beams of light came out of his eyes to zap skeeters, it might be worth forty bucks.

As Gimp was pointing out the many intricacies of this particular piece of wasted resin and integrated technology out, I merely stared slack jawed at the other redneck item that had caught my attention.  For what was so proudly displayed on the counter next to the register left me utterly mute in shock.   After a minute or so of Gimp trying to get my attention, he looked at my emotionless expression and followed my eyes back to see what I was staring at.

"Good God from Gulfport." was all he could mutter.  "It's time to run out of here.  Fast."

This is what I was staring at in total, utter fucking disbelief.

WoodenPocketWatchset.jpg (30512 bytes)

That's right, it's a genuine gold plated commemorative $3, sorry, #3 pocket watch.  It comes in a black satin lined wooden case, which I guess makes it even more special.

Now think about it, folks.  Is the target market for a gold pocket watch the kind of person who watches NASCAR?  I don't think so.

Apparently, those in the know got their marketing data mixed up, they thought that just because all the hill scoggins who like NASCAR (and follow it like the pagan trailer park religion that it is) have wallets on a chain, they assumed that a watch on a chain would sell as well.  My favorite part of it all was a tiny card that came with the watch which said:

"Accept no substitutes.  This is the officially licensed and endorsed collector piece, endorsed by the family, driver, and crew." 

Now, I'm not real sure, but seeing as how Dale Earnhardt is like dead or something, I think the only thing the DRIVER is actually endorsing anything.  In fact, if old Earnhardt is endorsing anything right about now, he's probably voting for adding air conditioning and ice water where he's at.  I doubt he's got in say in how his name and his reputation are being milked harder than an 11 year old's penis when he first discovers the miracle of masturbation.

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And speaking of inbred redneck stump fuck hill scoggin reading material...

Lord God All Mighty!  This was just not the week for me raise my love for the human race to any new levels.  I ran into THIS little jewel the other day at the local book store.  As I was walking down the science fiction section, I had to pass by the 'self help' section, and saw all the various CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL books.  The evil spirits came out to play and told me to stop and look at all the titles. 

"No..." I told the evil spirits.  "I don't want to because if I look at all that crap, I'll just weep openly for the future of the human race."

"But you MUST look.   You must see if they have a Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul" the evil spirits said.  "That would be funny and it would amuse us to no end."

"They can't have that!" I cried out in my mind.  "I will lose all faith in humanity if I find that someone has compiled a Chicken Soup for the NASCAR soul."

I opened my tightly squinted eyes and the first thing I saw was the one thing I had just prayed to God didn't exist in all of His fine, fine Creation.

I stood in utter dumbfuck amazement at what man hath wrought.  And here it is...

nascar chicken soup.jpeg (55538 bytes)

I wonder if it has lots of big words and pictures.  Remember, anyone who likes NASCAR isn't the smartest person in the world, so you're going to have to write and market this book to twenty-something year olds who have the mentality of pre-teens and the nearly same mental development.

To whoever wrote this piece of crap, thank you.  My faith in you all has just hit a new record low. Sadly, this book does exist.  If you own it in your collection, you are a fucking retard.

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I see where the Episcopals have elected an openly gay bishop
thereby totally invalidating their entire faith in one fell stroke.  Nice.

wpe4.jpg (10551 bytes)

I think that 1 Corinthians 6:9 pretty much lays it out straight.

The Episcopals doing this is kind of like hiring Pee Wee Herman to be
headmaster of a day care, or a known crack dealer be the chief of police.

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From the "Democrats try to use the laws to win!  Again!" file ...

davis_gray.jpeg (13615 bytes)

Davis to Ask Court to Delay Recall, Make Him a Candidate

Monday, August 04, 2003

LOS ANGELES — Gov. Gray Davis  will ask (beg) the California Supreme Court to delay his Oct. 7 recall election until March and make him a candidate to, in effect, replace himself, his attorneys said Sunday.

Voters will make two decisions on the recall ballot: whether to remove Davis, and who his successor should be if he is recalled. Under California election law, the subject of the recall cannot be on the list of replacement candidates.

Attorneys for the Democratic governor's campaign committee, Californians Against the Costly Recall (search), told reporters in a conference call that voters who want to retain Davis would have their equal protection rights violated if he is not listed as a replacement candidate.

Well boo-fucking hoo.

I guess some people are just going to have to get their feelings hurt and then get over it as best as they can.   And when did the written law ever stand in the way of Democrats.  To a Democrat, the law is just something that other people have to obey.  It's a law for non-democrats, and kind of a really loose guideline that can be ignored at will for members of the DNC.  Didn't you people learn anything in the last four years?   Apparently not... -BE

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Kobe Bryant

bryant_kobe.jpeg (28261 bytes)

He's married. 

He fucked a young girl (who wasn't his wife).

He got in trouble.

End of story.

Who gives a damn about this stuff?

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J-Lo and Ben Affleck.

Once they tie the (temporary Hollywood) knot, is it still going to be J-Lo
or will it then be J-Af? J-LaF, J-Aflo? Who cares...

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I wonder if anyone ever got an obscene telegraph message?

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First public gay high school to open in NYC

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

NEW YORK (AP) -- New York City is creating the nation's first public high school for gays, bisexuals and transgender students.

It's politically correct segregation.  Now it's wrong not to want to go to school with black people, but it's okay not to want to go to school with straight people.  I get it ... -BE

The Harvey Milk High School will enroll about 100 students and open in a newly renovated building in the fall. It is named after San Francisco's first openly gay city supervisor, who was assassinated in 1978.

Harvey Milk!   Bwahahahaha!  Would that be Harvey's MAN Milk?  Well, that's a promising start!  Let's name the new school after a gay martyr! Logic was no where to be found when this social experiment was concocted. -BE

"I think everybody feels that it's a good idea because some of the kids who are gays and lesbians have been constantly harassed and beaten in other schools," Mayor Michael Bloomberg said Monday. "It lets them get an education without having to worry."

Well, I doubt that everyone thinks it's a good idea, Michael.  That's like saying that everyone felt that segregation or bussing was a good idea, when not everyone did.  Why don't we just force the issue and make one group of people like the other group of people under pain of law and criminal penalties, like was done with segregation back in the '50's and '60's.  Maybe if you get to the point where you are bussing gay students into predominantly straight schools and straight students into predominantly gay schools, that might work out better because eventually, you'll force one group to like the other group, at least on the surface, and after all, when it comes to liberal politics, it's not what you do about something, it's how you feel about something.  I think we need to use the bussing approach first instead of segregation.  Let's just bus some Bronx kids over to Harvey Milk and some Harvey Milk kids over to the Bronx.  We'll use pink busses for the HM kids. -BE

The school is an expansion of a two-classroom public school program that began in 1984. A gay-rights youth advocacy group, the Hetrick-Martin Institute, has managed and financed the program since its inception.

The new school's principal, William Salzman, said the school will be academically challenging and will follow mandatory English and math programs. It also will specialize in computer technology, arts and culinary arts.

My question is, what percentage of the faculty will be gay?  Is the principle going to be gay?  Would a straight person want to work at this school?  Are straight people going to be forced to work here even if they don't want to?  Will being gay be a requirement for employment at Harvey Milk and what will straight employees do when they are harassed by gay faculty or made to not feel like they fit in?  And will interior decorating be offered in the academic lineup? -BE

State Conservative Party Chairman Mike Long criticized the creation of the school.

"Is there a different way to teach homosexuals? Is there gay math? This is wrong," Long said. "There's no reason these children should be treated separately."

Exactly.  Except that it's trendy to be gay, and it's important to appear to support gays and lesbians because they might not vote for you if you don't and that means you may have to get a real job and work in the real world like the other 99 percent of us. -BE

The Hetrick-Martin Institute's Web site says the school will give its students "an opportunity to obtain a secondary education in a safe and supportive environment. ... We believe that success requires the ability to respect and value the diverse human community."

Right.  And we respect and value the diverse human community by segregating it legally like it was some kind of endangered species.  Just more touchy feely liberal bravo sierra using your hard earned tax dollars to comfort a whiney minority group.

All of which leads me to the next piece... no pun intended.  -BE

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From the "Change ONE word and it's a whole new song" file ...

STROKIN' IN THE BOYS' ROOM
Motley Crue and other artists like Brownsville Station

Sittin' in the classroom
Thinkin' it's a drag
List'nin' to the teacher
Well just ain't my bag
Noon bells ring
You know that's my cue
I'm gonna meet the boys
On floor number two

Strokin' in the boys' room
Strokin' in the boys' room
Now teacher don't you
Fill me up with your rules
For ev'rybody knows that
Strokin' ain't allowed in school

Checkin' out the halls
Makin' sure the coast is clear
Lookin' in the stalls
No there ain't nobody here
My buddies Syxx, Mick, and Tom*
To get caught would surely
Be the death of us all

Strokin' in the boys' room
Strokin' in the boys' room
Now teacher don't you
Fill me up with your rules
For ev'rybody knows that
Strokin' ain't allowed in school

Well they put me to work
In the school bookstore
Checkout counter and I got bored
Teacher was lookin' for me all around
Two hours later you know
Where I was found

Strokin' in the boys' room
Yes indeed, I was Strokin' in the boys' room
Now teacher don't you
Fill me up with your rules
For ev'rybody knows that
Strokin' ain't allowed in school

Now teacher I am fully aware of the rules
For ev'rybody knows that
Strokin' ain't allowed in school

Whole different song when you change "smokin' " to "strokin' ".  Enjoy.

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From the "I just don't fucking believe it and at the same time I really do..." file

Hip-Hop Artists Rewrite the Dictionary

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

By Jennifer D'Angelo

NEW YORK — Oh boi. Thurr's some verry strange spelling on MTV l8ly.

Between "My Love Is Like … Wo," by Mya (search), "Right Thurr," by Chingy  and "Rock Wit You (Aww Baby)" by Ashanti (search), it seems hip-hop artists have decided to rewrite the dictionary.

Every generation invents its own slang (think of the ever-changing synonyms for "cool.") But this crop of artists is changing the spellings of already established English words.

Because they are idiots with no formal education and society rewards losers with large sums of disposable income and material goods. -BE

"It's been going on for a while, but it’s getting big now," Mark Allwood, music editor of hip-hop magazine The Source, said of the intentional misspellings in song titles and lyrics. "They're trying to be creative and colorful."

No, they're being idiots because they are mental dullards with a propensity for slacking. -BE

But at a time when teachers are fed up with students using text- and instant-message lingo in their school assignments, not everyone is a fan of the new lexicon.

Here's a brilliant idea.   When some retard uses a numeral for a preposition or a conjunction, MARK IT IN RED INK AND DEDUCT POINTS!  If someone turns in an assignment with something written on it like "B4 I begandid dis cribwrok, I done smokeded up a crack rock."  You see, there is this time tested method of teaching and learning called NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT.  If you DO SOMETHING WRONG, you are given a penalty.  The severity of the penalty depends on how much you fuck up in life.  If  you want to talk like a retard, then you should stay where you are as the more erudite members of your class move on and eventually graduate.  Once you turn 17 and you're still in fifth grade, that should be a wake up call that you might need to get with the rest of the species and start talking in an educated manner that befits someone of your advanced age.   I think we've gotten away from that, we actually reward ignorance and stupidity today, we put it on a pedestal and worship it.  That simply has to stop. -BE

"It's already so hard for kids to learn the rules of language. If they start switching them around, it will make it much more difficult," said Lori Marinelli, a former speech teacher for the New York City Board of Education (search).

The first such "typo" to create a lot of buzz was the word "Herre" in last summer's mega-hit "Hot in Herre," by Nelly. Christina Aguilera soon followed with her controversial, lusty song "Dirrty," and now it seems every other song on MTV has a misspelled song title.

In "My Love Is Like ... Wo," for example, wo stands for "whoa," which seemingly would make as much sense as "wo" in that sentence. But, Allwood points out, "whoa" wouldn't get the same amount of attention among today's Internet-surfing, music-video addicted kids.

Because today's internet-surfing, music-video addicted kids are not the brightest example of the genre to ever come down the genetic pipe.  The problem is simple.  Instead of using popular media to educate children (such as Sesame Street did back in the '60's and '70's), we are instead using popular media to make money and dumb down the group.  Instead of teaching the proper use of English and conjunctions, we are teaching the improper use of these areas and we are also reinforcing its use by making such idiocy trendy and rewarding.  It's sad. -BE

"It catches your eye," he said.

Yes, it does.  And it instantly marks you as a fucking retard by the smarter members of the species. -BE

As for the double "r" in "Hot in Herre" and "Right Thurr," Nelly and Chingy are both from St. Louis, where pronunciation of the "r" is drawn out, Allwood explained. So the word "there" apparently sounds like "thurr" in their 'hood.

But is pronounced "there" with one 'r' in the rest of the nation.  So either learn how to pronounce the word correctly, or shut the fuck up and stay in the 'hood and be ignorant the rest of your life. -BE

Allwood added that he's not sure why New York-born Aguilera uses the double "r" in "Dirrty," but guesses she wanted the slang title to emphasize rapper Redman's appearance in the song.

"It's partly just going against the norm, which is what hip-hop has been about from the beginning," he said.

Robert Thompson, professor of media and pop culture at Syracuse University, agrees with Allwood’s go-against-the-grain analysis of the trend.

"It's celebrating difference – you don't do a hip-hop song and try not to split the infinitive. It goes in the face of the school marm, creates youth identity," he said.

And creates stupidity that has long term repercussions.  What are we going to do with an entire generation that is not fit to do anything other than work in the food service industry?  I wonder... -BE

Thompson also said it's not a coincidence that the trend coincides with the rising popularity of instant- and text-messaging, where kids are more likely to "talk 2 U" than "talk to you."

"The Web has also become a forum for expanding spelling liberties. To use punctuation to make winking eyes, the deliberate casual use of spelling – the Internet is a place where all this is okay."

In fact, Avril Lavigne, more of a pop princess than a gangsta rapper, had a hit with her song "Sk8ter Boi," the title of which seems to combine the Net-lingo and misspelled song title trends.

Dr. Timothy Shanahan, director of the University of Illinois at Chicago Center for Literacy, said he thinks such creative use of words could actually help more kids than it hurts.

"My hunch is that for the occasional kid it trips up, it probably gives more an incentive to learn to spell English in standard form so they can get the jokes," he said. "And it eventually changes the language itself."

Thompson agreed, saying both hip-hop and the Internet have "sensitized kids to the complexity and vast possibilities of language."

"I don't see anyone complaining that this is the downfall of literacy. Advertising has been misspelling night as nite for a century and we never complained that it was hindering kids from learning how to read. The only way this will hurt kids is if they’re not learning the correct way to spell at school," he said.

But they just said that it was too hard to learn to spell it the correct way at school and we should instead accept this new way as being more kinder and gentler to their young minds.  Arrrrghghgh!   The nation is drowning in stupidity!  -BE

Unfortunately, this is just the case for many students.

"Literacy is a big problem already," Marinelli said.

And reinforcing that it is all right to misspell words all in order to be trendy isn't helping the problem either.   -BE

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Preggo- It's in there.

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I see where July was National Cell Phone Courtesy Month

otherwise known as

National Shut The Fuck Up  And Drive Month.

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A citizen without a gun is a swordsman.

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I just saw PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN and it has to be one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.

Here's two great things that don't belong together but would be cool if they did; pirates and lightsabers.

Yarrrrr, matey!

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Some more Star Wars humor. 

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Here's a new product I invented; REPARATION H.

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I know a lot of people who could use this stuff!

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It's good to see that our boys are

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getting some head while they are in Iraq...

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From the "I told you I was hardcore..." file

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Man Opens Fire at School Board Meeting

Friday, July 18, 2003

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Audience members attending a school board meeting were credited with thwarting an attack by a maintenance worker who doused two people with gasoline and shot another with an assault-style rifle.

One woman was wounded in the attack Thursday night but her injuries were not life-threatening, police said. Onlookers grabbed the man before he could take aim, witnesses said.

"Their quick action really did help prevent fatalities tonight," school board member John Luoni said.

Richard Dean "Rusty" Bright, 58, who had been on sick leave, arrived about 10 minutes into the Kanawha County  Board of Education's meeting with three large buckets of gasoline and a Chinese-made SKS rifle under an overcoat, witnesses said.

Luoni said Bright placed the buckets on a table and then splashed maintenance supervisor Jeffery A. Allred and Karen Williams, a personnel department official.

And can someone tell me what people were doing when some guy walks into a crowded room, ten minutes late to a meeting, in the middle of July wearing an overcoat and trying to hide three large buckets of gasoline and a SKS rifle under his overcoat?  What?  Did they think he was going to do a magic show? -BE

Bright appeared to try to ignite the gas, then pulled out the rifle, witnesses said. Luoni said Bright fired several shots, but was unable to take aim before onlookers subdued him.

Bright had in recent months complained about Allred, his supervisor, to schools Superintendent Ron Duerring, school officials told The Charleston Gazette. They said they thought the matter had been resolved.

Well, obviously the FUCK not. -BE

Police Chief Jerry Pauley said Bright was talking to investigators, but declined to suggest a motive or say whether Bright had selected specific targets.

"We're assuming he's a disgruntled employee," Pauley said.

Bright, was arrested and charged with malicious wounding and wanton endangerment. He was being held in lieu of $250,000 bail and was scheduled for a July 25 court hearing.

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From the "Why you don't let complete strangers give your children toys!" file...

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Thursday, July 17, 2003


Airport security workers in Orlando, FL found a loaded handgun stuffed inside a brown teddy bear that a 10-year-old boy was carrying on a trip home after his family's Florida vacation, authorities said Thursday.

The FBI  is investigating how the gun got inside the teddy bear.

A Transportation Security Administration (TSA)  worker noticed the outline of a gun when the bear passed through an X-ray machine at Orlando  International Airport on Saturday.

The TSA found a loaded .22-caliber gun after the bear was opened. The boy's family told investigators that the bear was a gift from a girl at the hotel where they stayed during their Orlando vacation.

"She appeared at their hotel room door and offered them the bear," said Robert Johnson, a TSA spokesman in Washington. "The mother said it was OK and so the boy took it."


The Miami Herald reported that the gun had been concealed by cutting a half-inch hole at the bottom of the bear, and that the gun had been reported stolen in 1996 in California.

Now THAT is how you get rid of evidence!  You sew it up in a stuffed animal, hand it to some child in a family about to head to someplace far away!  Brilliant! -BE

Johnson said the incident "underscores the need to screen everyone and everything no matter how innocent the people or their belongings may appear."

The boy's parents, Robert and Angela Barry of Grove City, Ohio, were questioned by FBI agents and released.

From her home in suburban Columbus, Angela Barry said she didn't want to talk about what happened until the FBI investigation was finished.

"I want every way possible for them to find out who did this," she said.

The FBI did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment.

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Tan lines are just God's way of saying "Lick HERE"

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The infamous Blue Screen of Death-(BSOD)- think of it as curtains for your Windows(tm).

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Hillary's book, 30% off plus an extra 10% off with BAM card, that's 40% off already.

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While that is a good price for that book, it's still way too much to pay
for what I consider marginal at best toilet paper.

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Sometimes, life just hands you stuff...

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And turns around and does an encore...

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From the "Kinds of DISNEY movies we expect to see released in the future..." file

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Oh, crap.  I ruined another childhood favorite, didn't I?

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From the "Gun Control?!?!  What about SWORD Control?!?!" file

Three Killed, Three Wounded in California Sword Attack

Monday, June 30, 2003

IRVINE, Calif. — Police shot and killed a sword-wielding man described by relatives as schizophrenic  after he slashed and killed two former co-workers and wounded three other people at a supermarket where he used to bag groceries.

About 40 to 50 shoppers ran from the store shortly after 9:30 a.m. Sunday as police went in to subdue Joseph Hunter Parker, who was armed with a samurai-style sword  and wearing a beret and trenchcoat, said police Cmdr. Jeff Noble.

People, if you see someone wearing a trenchcoat in Summer, chances are, they're up to no good. -BE

The 30-year-old man confronted an officer before fellow officers shot him, said Lt. Jeff Love. Parker was taken to the hospital and did not survive. One of the wounded was a grocery store employee and two others were customers, police said. Police did not release the names of the dead or wounded.

Parker had been diagnosed as schizophrenic, his mother, Susan Davis, said in an interview Sunday from rural Ford, Va. He also was a volunteer firefighter and emergency medical technician.

"He was not in a good state at all," Davis said, adding she had not spoken to Parker in about a year. "He said voices were telling him to do bad things."

Davis said Parker, who moved to California about five years ago, collected swords and was a fan of the "Highlander" film and television series in which the hero is a swordsman.

Damn.  The last thing I want to hear or see in my life is some nut case coming over the top of the cereal isle with a Samurai sword, a beret, a trenchcoat, and shouting "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" -BE

"I'm just sorry about what happened," Davis said.

Parker's former co-workers said he quit his job bagging groceries about two weeks ago after working at the store for about two years.

"I never felt threatened, but he was just a really odd man," said coworker Mark Ming, 26. "He would have full conversations with himself. He obviously had problems, but he was respectful toward customers."

Parker's sister, Heather Parker, 28, of Anaheim, said she hasn't spoken to her brother in several months.

"He was alone and he was very mistreated his whole life," she said in a telephone interview. "He was being treated for schizophrenia. He's never been in trouble. He didn't drink, didn't use drugs. He was kind."

Love called the attacks an aberration in the quiet city 40 miles southeast of Los Angeles, which he said averages less than one murder a year. About 143,000 people live here.

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The Animatrix
_________________

Seen it before.

Liked it better when it was called "Robot Carnival".

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Do you think that the front grille on the new Cadillac STS

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might just have been influenced by Gillette?

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SYRACUSE, N.Y. — John Jamelske, a retired handyman who admitted keeping five women as sex slaves in an underground bunker in his backyard was sentenced Tuesday to 18 years to life in prison.

I bet he was a big Alice In Chains fan... -BE

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You know, Bjork singing "It's oh so quiet" was bad enough, but to see Sarah Jessica Parker doing a remake of it on an advertisement for Sex in the City is enough to make you go pore lye down your ears and shake your head vigorously from side to side.

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From the "And you thought YOUR job sucked..." file

Fired Workers Spear Boss in Indonesia

Friday, June 13, 2003

JAKARTA, Indonesia — Fired workers from a Volvo   dealership in Indonesia  attacked their Swedish boss with spears during a dispute over severance pay, police said Friday.

Michael Ollson was stabbed in the back and slashed in the face at a meeting with the workers last week in Balikpapan (search), East Kalimantan, police said.

He survived, but it was unclear whether he remained hospitalized. Officials from the Swedish Embassy were not immediately available for comment.

Four men have been arrested in the attack. Three were among 31 workers who had recently been fired from the firm, police said. A fourth was a member of right-wing youth group known for thuggery.

Ollson, an executive with Volvo dealer PT Eka Dharma, was trying to negotiate a settlement with the workers, who were demanding that eight managers also be fired and that the company give them $1.2 million in compensation.

Labor strife is common in Indonesia and is partly to blame for a drop in foreign investment in recent years. Multinationals complain of having to endure violent strikes and villagers who attempt to extort money by blockading roads and attacking offices.

They might be the world's safest cars, but they sure aren't the world's safest working conditions.  -BE

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From the "Common sense prevails at last..." file

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Judge Orders Muslim Woman to Unveil for Driver's License Photo


Friday, June 06, 2003

ORLANDO, Fla. — A Florida judge ruled Friday that a Muslim woman cannot wear a veil in her driver's license photo, agreeing with state authorities that the practice could help terrorists conceal their identities.

After hearing three days of testimony last week, Circuit Judge Janet C. Thorpe ruled that Sultaana Freeman's  right to free exercise of religion would not be infringed by having to show her face on her license.

Thorpe said the state "has a compelling interest in protecting the public from criminal activities and security threats," and that photo identification "is essential to promote that interest."

Freeman, 35, had obtained a license in 2001 that showed her veiled with only her eyes visible through a slit. But after the Sept. 11 attacks, the state demanded that she return to have her photo retaken with her face uncovered. She refused, and the state revoked her license.

Freeman sued the state of Florida, saying it would violate her Islamic beliefs to show her face publicly.

Her case was taken up by the American Civil Liberties Union (search), which saw the case as a test of religious freedom. Conservative commentators ridiculed the case, saying it would be absurd to allow people to obscure their faces in ID photos.

Assistant Attorney General Jason Vail  had argued that Islamic law has exceptions that allow women to expose their faces if it serves a public good, and that arrangements could be made to have Freeman photographed with only women present to allay her concerns about modesty.

Florida Attorney General Charlie Crist praised Friday's decision, saying "Nothing is more important than making sure that our people are safe."

The ACLU of Florida said it was disappointed in Thorpe's statement that while Freeman "most likely poses no threat to national security," others may take advantage of a ruling in her favor to threaten lives.

"So we have to infringe on Freeman's religious beliefs because of what someone else might do," ACLU legal director Randall C. Marshall said. "It seems to be a funny kind of interpretation on how the law should apply."

Uh, Mr. Marshall, the law will apply to EVERYONE.  Just because Freeman cannot wear a veil does not mean that I can wear a skimask.  And in case you haven't been paying attention, it was / is Muslims who are the terrorists attacking America.  Duh.  -BE

Marshall noted that a driver's license can be obtained without a photo in 14 states.

Yes, but we aren't talking about other states, we're talking about Florida.  If Freeman wants to move to one of those fourteen states, she is free to do so.  That is the beauty of America. -BE

Freeman's lawyers argued that instead of a driver's license photo, she could use other documents such as a birth certificate or Social Security card to prove her identity.

Either of which could be handed to someone else in a veil and you wouldn't know the difference. -BE

Freeman, a convert to Islam previously known as Sandra Kellar, started wearing a veil in 1997. She had a mug shot taken without the veil after her arrest in Illinois in 1998 on a domestic battery charge involving one of twin 3-year-old sisters who were in her foster care.

Child welfare workers told investigators that Freeman and her husband had used their concerns about religious modesty to hinder them from looking for bruises on the girls, according to the police records. The girls were removed from the home.

So, she already had a history of using her religious beliefs and its inherent loop holes to hide crime from the law.   And we want to protect her and allow her to do it again?  So not happening.   I'm glad they struck this silly case down, and Freeman should be made to pay every single red cent of court costs.  I mean, if they had allowed this, then we would have had female ninjas applying for driver licenses... -BE

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Is it a guy or a girl?  Is it a Muslim or a Ninja?

Let's take the mask off and see.

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Yeehaw! Is it a classroom or the stage set for a Jerry Springer show?


Mother, Sons Charged With Beating Teacher Unconscious

Friday, June 06, 2003

NEWBURGH, N.Y. — Police say a mother and her two sons beat a teacher unconscious at school with a desk and a chair because she had suspended the younger boy.

The teacher, who works in an alternative school program  for troubled youth, had suspended the boy for spitting in her face and pushing her, police said.

Jamie Mereness, 34, and her 17-year-old son William Ramos, went with her 12-year-old son to the school Tuesday afternoon to confront the teacher, who was not identified, police said Thursday.

Police said Mereness, Ramos and the younger son choked and punched the teacher, then used a desk and a chair to beat her in a basement classroom, Detective Lt. Santo Centamore said. The alternative school program is held in a church.

The victim's 11-year-old son was in the classroom at the time and ran to a pay phone across the street to call police, Centamore said. Mereness and her sons were gone when police arrived.

The victim was treated at St. Luke's Hospital for bruises on her face and neck and pain in her back, neck and arm, and released, Centamore said.

Mereness and both sons were arrested Wednesday and charged with felony burglary and assault. Mereness had not been assigned a lawyer Friday, and her phone number is not listed.

The 12-year-old will be charged in family court, said Assistant District Attorney John Geidel.

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Cindy and I went to McDonald's for lunch one day and I discovered that the food chain was running a massive tie-in promotion for the new Pixar movie "Finding Nemo". A large color graphic on the door showed the star of the show and a voice bubble that said "See how many times you can find me in here."

We were standing in line and I did a sharp uptake of breath that caught Cindy's attention.

"What is it?" she asked, concerned.

"I found Nemo..." I said, making my bottom lip start quivering like I was about to start sobbing.

"Where?" she asked, looking around.

"They just pulled Nemo out of the deep fat fryer over there and put him between two buns to make a Filet-O-Fish sandwich. Poor little guy."

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Gimp and I were at Sonic getting some breakfast when one of the car hops came walking up barefoot. Now, you have to imagine this; a woman who looks like an overweight Pentecostal wearing khaki shorts for the first time. She's got feet bigger than me, more foot hair than a Hobbit, and she plops down on the bench right in front of where we're parked and starts to put her socks on and then her skates.

"That thing SKATES?!" Gimp whispered.

"Well, technically, anything that large on wheels has to operate with a CDL or a special permit and there's probably a hefty road tax to be paid." I replied.

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From the "Really bad ideas that probably were not thought out too well before hand" file ...

Man Late for Flight Calls In Fake Bomb Threat, Hoping to Delay Plane

Monday, June 02, 2003

MEDFORD, Ore. — A man running late for his flight to Phoenix  called in a phony bomb threat  Monday in hopes that the plane would be delayed long enough for him to get on board, police said.

America West  clerks at the Rogue Valley International-Medford Airport became suspicious and notified police after the man came to their desk asking about Flight 6262, which by then was on its way back to the airport because of the threat, said Medford Police Lt. Mike Moran.

The man was held on outstanding, unrelated criminal charges and being questioned by the FBI, Moran said. The suspect was not immediately identified.

The plane, an America West express shuttle operated by Mesa Airlines, returned to the airport around 3 p.m., after the threat was called into America West headquarters.

The 30 passengers were evacuated and a bomb squad searched the plane with the help of a dog. All bags were rechecked for any trace of an explosive device.

Nothing suspicious was discovered, said Capt. Joe Puckett of the Jackson County Sheriff's Office.

Officials believed the call was a "credible threat" because the caller referred to a specific flight, airport spokeswoman Kim Stearns said.

"The individual was firm and gave information for a specific flight," she said.

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From the "Famous Last Words" file...

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And speaking of Doug Williams, look at the advertisement
that Fox News was running along with the story of his shooting rampage.

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Sometimes, life just hands you comedy.

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Uh, say boy...

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I think you're about to beast fuck a sugar troll.

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Next time, make sure that who you are talking to on AOL
sends you a CURRENT picture.  And doesn't lie about her age.

You could get in a lot of trouble if you don't.

Oops.  Too late.

With that gap between her front teeth, I wouldn't worry if she swallowed, I'd worry if she gleaked.

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Ding dong the bastards are dead.  The bastards are dead...

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Someone posted this picture and said make it funny...

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So I did...

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Then I made it even funnier...

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I find images on GOOGLE.   I use them as I see fit.

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These are two examples.

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Someone sent this to me and said it was out of an old travel brochure... irony strikes again.

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Not sure if this is real or not, but it's funny.

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Another graphic I did for a forum thread.  Someone posted the shot of caulk,

I redid the lettering to make it funny.

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