Studies have shown that you are using only  10% of your total brain capacity...   (3% if you are a NASCAR fan)

Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?

optipessimism: looking forward to seeing the dumb in people.

BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.

Have you ever started to think, and just forgot to stop again?

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At the office, a woman asked me if I had heard that Lonestar had a fire the night before.

"What?" I asked. "Are they trying to outdo Great White?"

"No, not the band, the steak restaurant." she said.

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From the "You know, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST is just funnier when it's translated into Klingon" File

Klingon Interpreter Needed for Ore. Mental Patients

Sunday, May 11, 2003

PORTLAND, Ore. — Position Available: Interpreter, must be fluent in Klingon (search).

The language created for the Star Trek  TV series and movies is one of about 55 needed by the office that treats mental health patients in metropolitan Multnomah County.

"We have to provide information in all the languages our clients speak," said Jerry Jelusich, a procurement specialist for the county Department of Human Services, which serves about 60,000 mental health clients.

Although created for works of fiction, Klingon was designed to have a consistent grammar, syntax and vocabulary.

And now Multnomah County  research has found that many people — and not just fans — consider it a complete language.

"There are some cases where we've had mental health patients where this was all they would speak," said the county's purchasing administrator, Franna Hathaway.

County officials said that obligates them to respond with a Klingon-English interpreter, putting the language of starship Enterprise officer Worf and other Klingon characters on a par with common languages such as Russian and Vietnamese, and less common tongues including Dari and Tongan.

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From the "Sucky ways to DIE !" File

KINSHASA, Congo - The rear door of a Russian-built cargo plane burst open as the aircraft was carrying police officials and their relatives across Congo, and 129 passengers were sucked out, airport officials said Friday.

That's what they get for flying baggage class and booking their tickets through the cheapest rate possible on Pricewatch.com -BE

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From the "Your Tax Dollars Hard at Work" file

Typing Monkeys Don't Quite Write 'Hamlet'

Friday, May 09, 2003

LONDON — Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the theory goes, and they will eventually produce the works of Shakespeare.

Give six monkeys one computer for a month, and they will produce a mess.

Researchers at Plymouth University  in England reported this week that primates left alone with a computer attacked the machine and failed to produce a single word.

"They pressed a lot of S's," researcher Mike Phillips said Friday. "Obviously, English isn't their first language."

A group of faculty and students in the university's media program left a computer in the monkey enclosure at Paignton Zoo in southwest England, home to six Sulawesi crested macaques (search). Then, they waited.

At first, said Phillips, "the lead male got a stone and started bashing the hell out of it.

"Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard," added Phillips, who runs the university's Institute of Digital Arts and Technologies.

Eventually, monkeys Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe and Rowan produced five pages of text, composed primarily of the letter S. Later, the letters A, J, L and M crept in — not quite literature.

Phillips said the project — funded by England's Arts Council rather than by scientific bodies — was intended more as performance art than scientific experiment.

The notion that monkeys typing at random will eventually produce literature is often attributed to Thomas Huxley (search), a 19th-century scientist who supported Charles Darwin's theories of evolution. Mathematicians have also used it to illustrate concepts of chance.

The Plymouth experiment was part of the Vivaria Project (search), which plans to install computers in zoos across Europe to study differences between animal and artificial life.

Phillips said the experiment showed that monkeys "are not random generators. They're more complex than that.

"They were quite interested in the screen, and they saw that when they typed a letter, something happened. There was a level of intention there."

My thought is, they could have done this a lot cheaper by just going to Sturgis and watching the locals during Rally week.  They would have noticed pretty much the same behavior.

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Louisiana Police Detective Training
Actual picture from CNN

"Hey!  Turn around!  The guy you're looking for is standing right BEHIND you!"

Does look a lot like the suspect, doesn't it?  Thanks to MLongmire for this.

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A bumper sticker I'm thinking about designing, should go over well in Lamar county, MS.

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PREVIOUS DARK THOUGHTS BELOW
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From the "Bend over, here it comes again..." file

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — A federal judge has refused to dismiss a lawsuit against McDonald's, filed by a New Haven man who claims he was not hired because he is overweight.

Joseph Connor had filed the lawsuit last year against the fast food chain, claiming that it discriminated against him, in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Connecticut Fair Employment Practices Act.

Connor, who weighs 420 pounds, claims that McDonald's violated the laws when it regarded him as morbidly obese and refused to hire him based on that perception.

Further, he alleges that his obesity is a disability, and the restaurant chain violated the CFEPA by deliberately not hiring him.

Man, the Clown is just being bent over and reamed lately, isn't he?  First two kids sue because McDonald's made them fat, then some guy sues because McDonald's says he's too fat to work there.   Make up your mind.  Whine, whine, whine.  I'm fat.  Give me lots of money, and a super size Oreo McFlurry!  -BE

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NEW YORK — The re-invention of Monica Lewinsky starts today.

The former portly pepperpot will be unveiled today -- first as a guest host on The View then later tonight to emcee a new reality show called Mr. Personality -- as a new woman, with a new career, a new look and a new view on life.

A new view on life?   You mean like for the first time she won't be on her knees under a desk sucking cock?

"I think enough time has passed for Monica to step out like this. There's no question she's famous, and after all the hype, I think she'll be judged on her ability to entertain," says Lou Colasuonno of Westhill Partners, a Manhattan-based "strategic communications" firm.

Yeah, they thought that Anna Nicole Smith had ability to entertain as well.  Probably the same think tank that brought you the Anna Nicole Smith Show thought up this brain gem.

"She needs to give the media something else to focus on now, so that talking about the event that made her famous becomes one paragraph at the bottom of the story."

But we'll always remember our little intern who sucked her way to the very top, won't we.  Slurrp.   Slurrp.

Fox, the network that hired her to host Mr. Personality, has managed her comeback like a Presidential campaign.

No pun intended, I'm sure.   Yawn.

Plenty of people are talking for her, but Monica herself has been very scarce.

Because she's a ditz and an airhead, but a damn good cocksucker, so says Bill Clinton.  The moment this bimbo opens her mouth, the show is going into an unrecoverable tail spin.

She has granted only one print interview (with Newsweek magazine last week) and one TV appearance (sitting in for Barbara Walters on The View today).  No Letterman, no Leno and, above all, no Howard Stern.

Because they would rip her to shreds and expose her for the two dimensional twit that she is.

It's a bold move since reality TV seems to thrive on maximum publicity. It may just be that Monica Lewinsky hosting a dating show needs no introduction.

Introduction?  How about "And now, let's meet your host, America's favorite little cocksucking piggy, MONICA LEWINSKY!!!! (canned applause follows)".  I mean, what has Monica ever really done but blow the president (spelled with a small p on purpose)?

On Mr. Personality, a bachelorette named Hayley must choose a suitor from among a group of guys wearing masks -- in essence, choosing her guy based on his wit and charm rather than his looks.  Lewinsky will host the show (9 p.m.) and provide advice to Hayley before she kicks off a suitor each week.

Advice?  Like "Don't let him shoot a wad on a light colored dress." and "Kneepads help out a lot!"

"Monica doesn't just walk in and say her lines and leave. She has a very personal interaction with Hayley," says a show spokesman. "They formed a very good friendship. They're the only two who don't know what the men look like."

The only two that don't know what the men look like from the waist up, that is.

So is Monica ready for her close-up? Judging by the recent promotional photos for Mr. Personality, she is slimmer and more quietly dressed than when we last saw her.

"Her image is important," says Colasuonno. "She has to look smart and be smart."

Monica has to 'look smart' and 'be smart'?  Now where is Steven Spielberg or Lucas with ILM when you need them because if you are going to make Monica Lewinsky look smart and be smart, that's going to take some major computer generated graphics and special effects.

Next!

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I see where the IRS can't share any information on illegal aliens that they know about or supply other data to other Federal agencies and government offices.  Can someone please tell me what is wrong with this country?

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I hear that Madonna has a contract to write three children's books. Great!  That's like giving Ike Turner a contract to write a book on how to have a successful marriage.

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Gimp feels that soon the Children's Television Network will produce a Muppet with SARS for the Chinese television market.

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I get so tired of seeing those stupid "ERACISM" bumper stickers so I designed one that is sure to get the liberals hopping mad.  Face it, you are never going to get rid of racism, it's too big a money maker.  Those who say that they are actively fighting it are the ones who are making the most profit from it.

I'll probably see this sticker on the back of shave headed Nazi rednecks in Lamar county real soon.

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The Post reported yesterday that "four GIs, three engineers and a driver, are facing courts-martial for swiping $900,000 from Saddam Hussein's booty."

From his booty?  That's a funny place to hide that much cash.  I mean, I knew Hussein had a big ass, but to be able to hide that much money up his butt is ridiculous.   Now I know where they got that picture of the GOATSE.X man, it was Saddam and he was opening his royal vault ...

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I don't get it. Iraq said for years that they didn't have weapons of mass destruction, and we went in and kicked their ass in three weeks. Now North Korea is telling us they have WMD?!

What are they THINKING?! Don't they pay attention to the news?

They might as well go ahead and open the borders and say "Invade our country and kick our stupid ass."

I guarantee that as proud as they are of their nuclear capability, for every ONE nuke they have, we have a hundred.

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I think it is hilarious that given Disney's special treatment of Gays and Lesbians that they should come out with a new children's movie called "HOLES".

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Recently, I enjoyed a state holiday, it was "Confederate Memorial Day."  When I explained that I had a Monday off, and what it was about, Mark Longmire asked how "Confederate Memorial Day" could get past the PC Police.  I told him I didn't care, and when I slept late Monday, I wasn't going to ask too many questions about it either.  Mark then told me that he got one special minority / event holiday off, and that they could pick the holiday from a long list.   I laughed and said he was full of it.  He denied it, saying it was true.  I told him that I would probably take Aztec Day off if I had to pick an ethnic holiday.  He then sent me the list that he could choose from:

Martin Luther King's Birthday
Monday, January 20

National Women's History Month & St. Patrick's Day
Monday, March 17

Good Friday
Friday, April 18

Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, Older Americans Month, & Mothers' Day
Monday, May 12

Fathers' Day
Monday, June 16

Women's Equality Day
Monday, August 25

Hispanic Heritage Month & Rosh Hashanah
Monday, September 15

National Disability Awareness Month
Monday, October 13

Native American Heritage Month & Veterans' Day
Monday, November 10


After reviewing that list, I told him to forget me taking Aztec Day off.  I was going to take National Older Native Asian Pacific American Mothers Disability Awareness and Heritage Equality Day off.

That or David Hasselhoff's birthday.

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From the "Just so you realize, these people don't have the first fucking clue.  What a bunch of retards..." file

PETA Wants Town's Name Changed to 'Veggieburg'

Monday, April 28, 2003

HAMBURG, Pa. — An animal rights group says it will donate $15,000 worth of vegetarian patties to area schools if officials change the name of Hamburg, Pa., to Veggieburg.   But town officials say they're not biting.

Biting.  Get it?   Oh.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Got to love that dry journalism humor folks.

"I don't care if they offer us $1 million worth of veggie patties or $2 million in cash, I don't think anyone in the community would want to sell their heritage," said Mayor Roy C. DelRosario.

Now maybe if PETA offered everyone in the community $2,000,000 cash, they might think about it.  Hell, you give me $2,000,000 and you can name my city SHITBURG for all I care.  Won't matter to me, because I'll be long gone, on a mountain top far away laughing at all of you sheep.  

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says the name Hamburg conjures up images of slaughtered cows and unhealthy meals.

Only to an uneducated moron.

The offer mirrors one PETA made this week to Hamburg, N.Y. Officials in the Buffalo suburb, which says it is the birthplace of the hamburger, have turned down the offer.

"This campaign is a bit tongue-in-cheek because we don't expect anybody to accept, but the offer is serious," PETA spokesman Joe Haptas said.

If you don't expect anyone to accept, then why make yourselves out to look like even bigger idiots and retards than you already are?  You have me convinced, PETA.  Eating grass all your life makes you stupid.

Hamburg was incorporated in 1837. Town officials said the borough is named after Hamburg, Germany. The mayor said the idea that people associate the borough with animal abuse is silly.

Well, the ONLY people who would EVER associate it with animal abuse is a bunch of grass eating, tree hugging pet humping brain dead hippies.

[Reuters reported Monday that Hamburg, Germany, had also received a request from PETA to change its name.]

"We don't have slaughterhouses in town and we don't even have any animal farms," DelRosario said. "Our name is connected to our German history, not hamburgers."

Here's a graphic I did a long time ago.  It shows that I'm a member of PETA.

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From the "Maybe PETA had something to do with THIS..." file

Recently, Kentucky Fried Chicken announced that it was going to do a study on a more humane way of preparing their chickens for processing (i.e. killing them so they can be cut up into tasty, easily marketable portions).  Now, it's a sad world that we live in when we actually care about the feelings of the food we eat.  It's a chicken, for God's sake!  We're not talking about a higher life form!  Here's an excerpt:

Animal Welfare Program

Yum! Brands, parent company of KFC is committed to ensuring the humane treatment of animals. For this reason, KFC has established a system to ensure that the very best conditions are maintained and appropriate procedures are followed at all our suppliers' facilities.

Yum! Brands ... !   Bwahahahahaha!

Yum! Brands is the owner of restaurant companies and, as such, does not own, raise, or transport animals.  However, as a major purchaser of food products, we have the opportunity, and responsibility, to influence the way animals are treated. We take that responsibility very seriously, and are working with our suppliers on an ongoing basis to make sure the most humane procedures for caring for and handling animals are in place. As a consequence, we only deal with suppliers who maintain the very highest standards and share our commitment to animal welfare.

You care about the welfare of food?  You are working for animal welfare?  I'm sure the chickens really appreciate that.  They'll know that they will live a comfortable life right up until the instant in time when you snatch them up and lop off their heads.

I eat food.  I don't care about my food's feelings.  Get over it.

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From the "Just another reason why California should be amputated from the rest of the Union" file

LOS ANGELES — A textbook review process in California has changed or eliminated references to everything from the Founding Fathers to hot dogs, leaving many to charge the state with distorting history in the name of political correctness.

So what else is new?

The textbook review process, which is routinely done in many states, is meant to eliminate or replace outdated words or phrases. But what’s happening in California has a lot of people wondering – quite literally – "Where’s the beef?"

That’s because many California textbooks will no longer feature pictures of hot dogs, sodas, cakes, butter and other kinds of food that are not considered nutritious. Nor will the books contain any phrases judged to be sexist or politically insensitive.

So we're going to show pictures of post-op trans-sexuals, lesbians, homosexuals, liberal democrats, and tofu.   Great.

The Founding Fathers, for instance, are now referred to as "The Framers," in an apparent effort to make them sound less male-dominant.

Yeah, wouldn't want to get the wrong impression that this country was founded by a group of MEN.  CHRISTIAN MEN.

And there will be no more reading about Mount Rushmore, where the faces of four U.S. presidents are carved into stone, because it appears to offend some American-Indian groups.

Boo.  Fucking.   Hoo.  Get.  Over.  It.

The changes, which reflect a wide range of political correctness (liberal sugar coating and the coordinated dumbing down of America), have been brought about by pressure groups on both sides of the political aisle, as both Democratic and Republican legislators have been lobbied.

Snowman? No more. Melt that image and replace with Snowperson. Want to sail away on a yacht? No, again. It’s too elitist.

Snowperson?  Since when did a snowman have any genitalia to identify it?  Yacht?  No more!   Wouldn't want to offend the illegal aliens living on welfare and the slackers out there who won't ever be able to afford a yacht because they won't get off their lazy ass and work for a living.

And if you think grandpa is a senior citizen, guess what? You’re wrong. That’s demeaning, according to the new standards. He is now simply an "older person."

Sigh.

The laundry list of words and images banned or considered offensive is not a short one. The word "jungle" has been replaced with "rain forest." The word "devil" has disappeared entirely, with no replacement.

Well, if you can't teach that there's a God, why should you include the devil?  One can't exist if the other goes away.  Rain forest?  Oh how PC.  It's a fucking JUNGLE.  We fought in the JUNGLES of VIETNAM, not in the RAIN FORESTS of VIETNAM.  Give me a break.

Many of the changes seem to represent a direct assault on historical accuracy. For example, the new guidelines dictate American Indians should not be depicted with long braids, in rural settings or on reservations. There are no suggestions on how they should be depicted, however.

So, it's just better to wipe out history, ACCURATE history, than to offend people.  Yeah, that makes sense.   Let's just remove it from the history books and tah-dah!  It NEVER happened...

The problem there, say historians, is that some American Indians did wear their hair in braids, and generally lived in rural settings before being relocated to reservations.

And they lived in fucking tee-pees, painted their faces, used spears, bows and arrows, knives, hunted buffaloes, antelope, and deer and they scalped the white man when they got the chance.  It's HISTORY.  It HAPPENED.  You CAN'T change it by not telling people about it.   Wait, maybe if we use this line of reasoning, if we take out any mention of the liberals and the democrats from history books and anything else, they'll magically go away.  Now THERE'S a great idea.

Some say the changes are needed to better reach out to today’s diverse student population. Others have a different name for it.

"It's outright censorship," said author Diane Ravitch, who has written extensively on the subject of how the nation's schools have dealt with the issue. "It dumbs down our textbooks, makes them bland, far less interesting than anything children might see in the movies -- even in G-rated movies or TV.

And it conditions children at an early age to think like the politicians believe they should think.   It's politically correct brain washing, brought on by a lot of misplaced guilt felt by the liberals who just can't stand this country and want to tear it apart seam by seam with their touchy-feely bullshit.

"The problems that have happened in education is that the textbook publishers and the test developers have become so sensitive to any controversy that whenever they receive a complaint it is very likely that they will remove the source of the complaint," explained Ravitch.

Because they don't have any fucking BALLS to stand up to the special interest groups, slap them on the wrist, and say "Sit down and shut up!"

Textbook publishers admit they are in a bind. They say if they don't adopt the changes made by large states like California and Texas, they would suffer severe economic consequences.

Well then, we'll just sell textbooks to the other 48 states.  Duh.  And when California and Texas come to their senses, they can either buy the textbooks that are accurate, or they can get their textbooks from the same company that publishes Dr. Seus and other fairy tales..

Still, there are those who defend the changes made.

"I think our textbooks should to our greatest capacity be free of any type of stereotyping," said Sue Stickel, deputy superintendent for curriculum and instruction for the California Department of Education (search). "We need to make sure that all ethnicities are represented. We need to make sure that both males and females are represented. We need to make sure that our materials cover the full gamut."

Right!  What a bunch of liberal mind warping bull shit.  Here's an idea for the new California school text book:

No pictures to offend the blind people who can't see, and no words to offend those students who are illiterate and might not want to be made to feel bad because they can't read.  Of course, we might want to make the pages a different color because we don't want them to be white because that might offend black people.

Hell, we could even go one step further and just not have any fucking books at all, since books are a waste of perfectly good trees and when you chop down a tree to make a book, it makes the hippies cry.   Let's just all go outside, join hands, and sing Kum-Bah-Yah and make hemp jewelry.

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You know, Sodom and Gomorrah were kind of like the Disney and Epcot of the Old Testament...

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I see where Al-Arian has fired his lawyers.   Al-Arian is the Florida professor accused of terror ties and he wants to represent himself. I think recent examples of self representation has shown that this is about the dumbest idea anyone could do, look what it did for that guy in New York who opened fire on the subway with that SKS rifle.  He fired his lawyers, represented himself, and he's in JAIL for a LONG time.  

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From CNN: A large gas station exploded in flames Thursday in central Baghdad. Witnesses said the blast was triggered by neighborhood residents firing gunshots into the air celebrating the return of electricity to the area. It was not immediately known whether anyone was killed or injured.

Like Mark Longmire said, "These guys are just like a bunch of Middle Eastern rednecks..."

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This from FOX News

U.S. Officials are 'grilling' Tariq Aziz?  I suggest serving him in a light lemon sauce with a white wine.

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Found while on a road trip one day...

Then I guess it really ISN'T "Dave's Dollar Store" now is it?

More like "Dave's $1.29 Store

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"ENUS  W S  ITALIAN?"

WTF?

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Seen on the side of a moving truck.   Yes, it's real.

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People say we shouldn't piss off the rest of the world, they might gang up and invade America.  Right.

Here's the kind of elite troops we'll have to deal with.

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I hear where the Iraqi ambassador is resigning his post and leaving the country because he says "I cannot work in a country that has invaded mine".

My advice?

Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, pal.

Next!

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From the "Yee-haw!   The South will rise again!" file...

Look at this picture very closely.   That's how I can tell that it's open season on Iraqi army soldiers
and that some good old Southern Boys are over there taking care of business for America.

Down here in the Deep South, the way that poor sumbitch is tied up is how we normally
take deer home on the front of our four wheel drives.

Screw all of these namby pamby peaceniks, just get a bunch of us Southern Boys together, give
us transportation (those Hummers and Bradleys will do just fine), all the ammunition we can carry,
and a couple of coolers for our beer and alcohol and we'll hand you Syria and Iran, in about a week.

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From the "Maybe We CAN Learn Something From Other Countries" file

HAVANA — Three men charged with terrorism for hijacking a passenger ferry last week were executed Friday after summary trials, the government reported.

The men were prosecuted Tuesday in summary trials for "very grave acts of terrorism" and given several days to appeal their sentences, according to a statement read on state television.

However, the sentences were upheld both by Cuba's Supreme Tribunal and the ruling Council of State, and were carried out at dawn Friday, the statement said.

Capital punishment in Cuba is always carried out by firing squad. It has been used sparingly in recent years.

At least Cuba understands that terrorists have very little if any rights.  We're still holding Hotel Taliban down in Cuba for a bunch of worthless excuses for human beings.  I say that the nations of the free world need to pass a law that terrorists, regardless of sex, race, national origin, etc. are all without rights.  The rights of the world, especially the rights of the free people of the world, should not apply to terrorists or anyone engaging in acts of terror.  If we're shown no mercy, no mercy should be shown in return.  -BE

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From the "While we're waiting on Saddam's ass to turn up..." file

"Strip poker anyone?"

Next we'll be putting Saddam's mug on the side of milk cartons...

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From the "See?!  If we had just SHOT the sumbitches in the first place we wouldn't have to deal with this now..." file

SAN`A, Yemen — Yemeni authorities were hunting for 10 of the main suspects in the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole after they escaped from prison Friday, officials said.
   
The fugitives, including chief suspect Jamal al-Badawi, had been jailed in the port city of Aden since shortly after the destroyer was bombed, killing 17 American sailors.

Officials at Aden's governor's office would not say how the men escaped early Friday. But they quoted intelligence sources as saying security forces were out in force in a major search operation.

Photographs of the men were distributed to police and houses of the escaped men's relatives were searched, the officials said on condition of anonymity.

The Oct. 12, 2000, attack was blamed on Usama bin Laden's Al Qaeda network.

Al-Badawi allegedly helped buy the dinghy used by the two suicide bombers, who rammed the destroyer as it was refueling in Aden.

The 10 men, some of whom are believed to be linked to Al Qaeda, were part of a 17-man group arrested after the Cole bombing.

Officials said that the men might have left Aden and headed to Al Qaeda strongholds in the northern province of Shabwah.

Last July, Walid Abdullah Habib, a Yemeni member of Al Qaeda who was arrested while trying to enter the country illegally, escaped from prison.

Habib was arrested this year in a desert area near the Oman-Yemen border and handed over to Yemeni authorities. Habib is from Shabwah.

Yemen, the ancestral home of bin Laden, has been a hotbed of terrorist activity.

Supporters of Al Qaeda have claimed responsibility for several bombings targeting security officials and government offices in the past few months.

Yemen committed itself to joining the war on terrorism following the Sept. 11 attacks in America and has allowed U.S. forces to enter the country and train its military.

If it were up to me, and we found these guys somewhere, well, there would be the underlying agreement that this mistake wouldn't happen again.  Ever.  Dead terrorists don't blow up stuff, and they certainly can't escape.  Again.  -BE

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Speaking of jail breaks, I don't think it's a good idea to bring terrorists over to American soil.  Figure that we have to clothe, feed, and take care of these people for the rest of their life (a bullet to the brain costs about $0.35 and cremation is basically free) compared to all those tens of thousands of dollars spent each year just to support one single prisoner.  Screw that.   And then you have to figure that the stupid peace loving hippies might take a cue from those environmental whackos and try to bust the terrorists out because they feel sorry for them.

Nope.  Not happening.

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The new Fibercon radio commercial cracks me up. It has a woman singing like she's in an opera and a man singing in response.

Woman:  It's too hard to take!
Man:  But you must! You must!
Woman:  It's too thick and icky, I can not!

Are they talking about a fiber product you mix with water and take or is he trying to convince her to swallow after oral sex. Sounds like the latter to me ...

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What are those 'things' that hop around Ronald McDonald in the TV commercials?

They look like Tribbles on crack.

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I play tricks on my remote users when I call them, it livens up their otherwise boring lives. Phone conversation from the other day... with me impersonating the old man on Beavis and Butthead ("Fries, pie, and a coffee!").

Jenny: Mississippi Department of Transportation, how may I help you?

Me: Yes, ma'am. This is Huber Wimfrey, I just hit one of them big old deers here up on the highway and I think you're gonna need to get some boys up here to clean up this critter. He's a mess and I done dragged him all over the road with my truck.

Jenny: Oh goodness! Where did this happen, sir?

Me. Up here on the highway. It's just outside Kill or Kiln, you know, that place where that local boy made good. What was his name, Bruce Farr?

Jenny: Brett Favre?

Me: Yeah, BRETT Favre. That's his name. You know, he kind of looks like that guy on the side of those Brawny paper towels. I told my wife that the other night when we were shopping there in that Super Wal-Mart ... hmmmm.

Jenny: Uh. Okay... Are you hurt, sir?

Me: Huh? Oh! No, no. I'm not hurt, but my big Dodge Ram is messed up some kinda bad and that deer, he's a mess for sure. He's got his head and them antlers all jammed up in the front of my truck's radiator.

Jenny: Oh my goodness!

Me: Yeah, poor fellow. He must have his head stuck pretty far up in there because there's hot radiator fluid and steam coming out his ass. I mean, I ain't never seen no deer look like this, all mushed up and with that hot white steam and boiling green radiator fluid shooting out his furry behind. Lord! It's a sad sight to see. Poor critter.  Don't smell too good either, if you know what I mean... hmmmm.

Jenny: Oh my goodness!!! But you're all right, sir?

Me: Oh, yes, ma'am. I'm fine. My truck ain't so good, and that deer sure has seen his better days.

Jenny: Now where did this happen? Are you on highway 603?

Me: (normal voice) No, I'm in the Hattiesburg District office. I was wondering if Lemon Sullivan was in? He wanted me to work on his computer today.

Jenny: (silence as it all sinks in)

Jenny: Christopher?

Me: Yeah. Is Lemon in or has he gone out for the day on the road again?

Jenny: Christopher! I'm going to KILL you when you get down here!

Me: Ha! Had you going, didn't I?

Jenny: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

It's sad when we invade a country, and their best counter attacks are based on busses and trucks full of guerilla fighters coming out to greet us. I don't know about you, but if I had to bet on the outcome of a bus load of fanatics vs. a M1A2 Abrams main battle tank, my money is on the tank.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I see where Sandra Day O'connor and the Supreme Court held up the verdict that it was wrong to burn a cross because that wasn't freedom of speech, that was hate speech and terror talk used by supremacist groups. Too bad they couldn't rule that it was unconstitutional to burn the AMERICAN FLAG as well. You can't burn a cross, but you can burn the American flag. Now that's a turn of logic for this nation, I would have thought that they would have voted to allow the cross, a symbol of Christianity to be burned but voted to uphold the symbol of this nation.

It's a messed up world.  I didn't make it, I just have to live here.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Gimp and I were watching the statue of Saddam Hussein come down in central Baghdad and Gimp reached over and keyed up his media player to the Scorpions "Winds of Change"

It was strangely humorous and we both busted out laughing at how crazy the world had become.  The rest of the day, Gimp would just break into whistling the lead in to that song and we would both laugh.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The irony of the whole idea of a Jessica Lynch movie
is that Hollywood will be the ones to produce it.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I see where a bunch of world reporters are upset because a few reporters were killed by a US tank when it fired on the hotel they were staying in after receiving enemy fire from said building. My thought is, where were these reporters who are demanding investigations and criminal charges when our POWs were being tortured and executed? I say this, if some reporters from some Arab or French or German news station get in the way, and its either us or them, too bad. We can always find more news reporters, hell, they're laying down in streets in California and New York, you could just go scoop them up. Soldiers are a different breed, it's hard to replace them when they're lost.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I see where the Iraqis are looting and running wild

Someone must have shown them the video of either the outcome of the
OJ Simpson trial or the Rodney King trial as instructional material.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

From the "Change one word and change the whole song" file

On The Commode Again: Willie Nelson

On the commode again:
Just can't wait to get on the commode again.
The life I love is makin' music with my friends,
And I can't wait to get on the commode again.

On the commode again:
Goin' places that I've never been.
Seein' things that I may never see again,
And I can't wait to get on the commode again.

On the commode again,
Like a band of gypsies, we go down the highway.
We're the best of friends,
Insisting that the world be turnin' our way,
And our way:

Is on the commode again:
Just can't wait to get on the commode again.
The life I love is makin' music with my friends,
And I can't wait to get on the commode again.

Instrumental Break.

On the commode again,
Like a band of gypsies, we go down the highway.
We're the best of friends,
Insisting that the world be turnin' our way,
And our way:

Is on the commode again:
Just can't wait to get on the commode again.
The life I love is makin' music with my friends,
And I can't wait to get on the commode again.
And I can't wait to get on the commode again.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Look at the bottom left.  Who the hell are the Baghdadis?

Is that like some new rap group?

Who's your Baghdadi?  Puff Baghdadi.   That's who.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I see where some reporter 'doctored' an image to show a Coalition soldier pointing a gun at
Iraqis.  I recently saw on FOX what could possibly be the WORST PHOTOSHOP IMAGE EVER.

Now this is an actual picture that appeared on FOX news.  Look at how disproportional the face is to the body.  What's also wrong is that the ear sticks out almost straight to the side, in a way that isn't possible if it is still attached to the human head.  There is just something SO wrong about this photo... I'm surprised I'm the only one who caught it.  Mark Longmire, a master of graphic manipulation, also agrees that this has to be a fake photo.  The skin color is even off between the two composites not to mention that the shadows are wrong as well.  Sad.  I bet it's the cameraman trying to get his moment of fame.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Michael Moore and Ted Turner

"I wish my cock was THIS big!"

"One day, Jane Fonda's ass is going to be THIS big!"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Liberation of Iraq is going to be a good thing.  Just imagine...

BEFORE

AFTER !

The Iraqis are going to LOVE democracy (and Super Wal-Mart).

(thanks to Gimp for the photoshop mastery)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'm not sure who the bigger idiot is... Arnett or Moore.

They're both big fat ugly fucks with no personality and shit for brains, so it's a toss up.

Peter Arnett claimed that the Iraqi's allowed him to stay
because they realized he was a warrior as well.

I didn't know the Hair Club for Men had a standing army...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The war seems to be going well.  I heard today that we found one of Saddam's hidden facilities and that it was used to store a vast fleet of his favorite American cars.  It seems he was partial to late '80's Chevy Camaros because the Special Forces found about 40 IRAQ-Zs in storage.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

When it comes down to it, you could say that Iraq has been Saddamized for years
or that Hussein has been practicing Saddamy on his people.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

From the "What a FUCKING MORON !!!!" file

SAN JOSE, Calif. -- With his sister carrying his duffel bag and his mother holding his hand, a 20-year-old Marine reservist surrendered to military authorities Tuesday and declared himself a conscientious objector, weeks after refusing to report when called up to active duty.

Aw, his little sister carried his big heavy Marine duffle bag while his mommy held his little hand. -BE

"I may not be a hero but I know it took courage to disobey," said Lance Cpl. Stephen Funk at a rally Tuesday morning shortly before turning himself in.

You are not a hero, and it took zero courage to 'disobey', what you did was run away and hide, and then had your mommy and your sister walk you back when you realized your ass was in a sling.   -BE

Wearing camouflage fatigues, Funk turned himself in at the locked gates of the Marine Corps reserve center where he was assigned.

Funk was accompanied by Father Louis Vitale from the St. Boniface Catholic Church. "I am totally convinced that it is the call of his conscience that is saying he cannot do that, he cannot kill."

Funk didn't show up recently when his unit was deployed to Camp Pendleton.
   
Funk surrendered to military authorities Tuesday morning following the rally and press conference and claimed conscientious objector status in San Jose.

"Ultimately, it's my fault for joining in the first place," said Funk. "It wasn't as well thought out as it should've been. It was about me being depressed and wanting direction in life."

And ultimately the Marine Corps failing to take a grabasstic piece of amoebae shit like you and molding it into what passes as a upright walking human fucking being, let alone something that could be called a "Marine" using the very loosest of all possible definitions.   -BE

Funk, who grew up in Washington state, enlisted last February when he was 19 and living on his own for the first time.

"I saw the valuable things you can learn like teamwork, leadership -- things you can learn in Boy Scouts," he said. "I saw it as a way to learn new things and meet new people. It was a way to get what I thought was missing in my life."

He also said he caved in to pressure from a recruiter who capitalized on his vulnerability. He refused Tuesday to identify the recruiter.

Capitalized on his vulnerability?  What was this guy, on the rebound from a bad relationship and the recruiter took advantage of his emotions to use him like a plastic sex toy?  Give me a break. -BE

"They don't really advertise that they kill people," Funk said. "I didn't really realize the full implications of what I was doing and what it really meant to be in the service as a reservist."

They don't WHAT?   What the FUCK do you think you were going to do when they put you on the rifle range with a M-16A2 select fire ASSAULT RIFLE?  Did you think you were going to learn "Color By Numbers" with it?  You have to be an utter fucking MORON to NOT know that the Marines KILL people.  That is what the military DOES!  The military, ESPECIALLY the MARINES go out and BREAK THINGS and SMASH THINGS and BLOW SHIT UP.  Sorry you missed that, it's kind of obvious to every other human being in the world. -BE

Funk said he began doubting his fitness for military service during basic training at Camp Pendleton last spring when he felt uncomfortable singing cadence calls that described violence and screaming "Kill. Kill. Kill," during weapons training.

Gasp!  You mean they laughed at you when you wanted to sing "Kum-Ba-Yah" and "Michael Row The Boat Ashore"?  I'm sorry you got your little feelings hurt. -BE

"I was unwilling to do that. It just felt very wrong," he said. "I started just to mouth the words so I wouldn't get in trouble."

You mean so the other REAL MARINES wouldn't stomp your pansy peace-nik ass into the ground. If you were so courageous for standing up and being a conscientious objector, then why didn't you say you didn't want to sing the bad old mean cadence calls?  Because you are a coward and a useless waste of human skin. -BE

Funk, whose father served in the Navy in Vietnam, said he expressed his misgivings to several chaplains who never counseled him about the possibility of a conscientious objector discharge.

"I didn't ask for a way out, but I told them about it," he said. "I told them I'm having nightmares about what this is going to do for my conscience."

Give me a break. -BE

Funk's father, Robert Funk, enlisted in the Navy reserves and was called up to active duty in 1970 to serve in Vietnam. He said he wishes his son hadn't joined in the first place.

Probably because his father was a real soldier and he knew his son didn't have the balls to cut it. -BE

"I don't think he realized how close we were to getting involved in this conflict," Robert Funk said from his home in Everson, Wash. "I thought his views didn't line up with military service and he should wait and really look at it. ... I told him he had a contractual obligation. You may feel that way, but there are going to be penalties."

NBC11's Bob Redell said the Marines had not yet charged Funk with anything, he was not under confinement or arrest. Redell reported Funk would be interviewed by a chaplain and a psychologist. Then Redell said Funk would have a hearing and the military would determine whether he faces a fine or jail time for possible violations of military law. His lawyer says he would most likely face a fine or 30 days in a military prison.

How about giving him a big, fat DISHONORABLE FUCKING DISCHARGE and a UNFIT FOR ANY KIND OF MILITARY SERVICE rating.  That would be what I would do.  -BE

Applications for conscientious discharges always increase during wartime. There were 111 granted during the 1991 Gulf War. Only 28 were granted last year, military officials said.

"The Marine Corps understands there are service members opposed to the war," said Capt. Patrick O'Rourke, spokesman for Funk's unit, adding that he hadn't received Funk's application yet. "He'll be treated fairly."

The move would make him the first active member of the military to try to opt out of the war in Iraq.

Funk told NBC11 News, "I don't think is it moral to kill someone just because the president thinks it's OK."

That statement right there has to be the greatest insight into this moron's brain and his failed ability to cognitively operate in the same manner as the rest of us. -BE

Funk left his unit when it was mobilized for the war on Feb. 17, saying it would have gone against his morals to go to the Middle East and kill other people.

Yeah, when you're wearing desert camo, those piss stains really show up on the front of your BDUs when you wet yourself at the first sound of combat.  -BE

The 20-year-old admits he was naive, depressed and just looking for direction when a recruiter convinced him to join the Marines over a year ago. He says he didn't think about the possibility of going into combat.

No, he was just looking for the nice, juicy handout from the government.  Give him money to go to college and don't expect him to fight or defend the Constitution that protects wimps like him.  -BE

As soon as he reported to boot camp, he realized he made a mistake, he says. "I have to do what I think is right."

Since finishing military training last fall, Funk has been attending Bay Area peace rallies.

At the gate Tuesday, marine officials said Funk needed to report for duty at 7:30 a.m. every morning while his application was processed.

While he acknowledged he was surprised to get called up to active duty so quickly, Funk insists his decision had nothing to do with the current war in Iraq.

Bullshit.  He's scared to death of going to war.  He never in his wildest dreams expected to get called up, and when the government and this great nation called him to fulfill his obligation, his sworn obligations, he turned chicken-shit and ran. -BE

"I would be applying for this anyway," he said. "I believe a lot of those people going over there are going to have psychological problems and guilt. I can serve time for being a conscientious objector ... or I can go along and do something that I know is wrong and live with that forever."

Well, I'm sorry that you won't get your money to go to college from the USMC.  Lord knows we need another major in French poetry and love sonnets who has to make a living by flipping hash at the IHOP.  Which is exactly what this kid will ever amount to, a total fucking loser.   Conscientious objector my ass, that's a PC term for coward. -BE

You know what the funny thing is?  This war was one of the easiest wars the US has gone into.  We've set so many military records, done so much, and suffered so little in casualties and lost equipment that the chance of this kid actually eating a bullet were so low, he's definitely a coward for not going.

Funk is right, he'll never be a hero.  Do you want to see the face of a REAL American hero, Funk?  Here it is...

This 19 year old girl has a bigger set of BALLS than your 20 year old mommy's boy eunuch will ever have in this life.
Funk, you are a fucking coward.  This girl is a hero.  So next time you look in the mirror, Funk, think about Jessica Lynch, and what it took to go through what she did, and realize that you don't have that kind of fortitude.

Much respect, Jessica.  You are in our prayers.

UPDATE!  Now Stephen Funk is claiming that he's GAY!  He wants out of the Marines and this war so bad, the next thing you know, he'll claim he's black and the military is racist.

"SAN FRANCISCO -- A 20-year-old Marine reservist seeking to be discharged as a conscientious objector has given himself a second way out -- he's told military leaders he's gay."

"I believe that as a gay man, someone who is misunderstood by much of the general population, I have a great deal of experience with hatred and oppression," Lance Cpl. Stephen Funk wrote in his application for discharge.

Colin Powell tells it like it frigging is.

Stephen Funk.  We should officially and legally change his last name to "FLUNK".

While Lynch was humming "Bad to the Bone", Funk was humming "I'm coming out so you better get this party started."

What a fucking disgrace to this great nation and its military.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

From the "Sometimes your searchbot just isn't too smart" file...

Hmmm.  Maybe we can find our other POWs on Ebay? 
Those sneaky Iraqis... hiding our POWs in online auctions.  Shame.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

A t-shirt I'm producing...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'd like to dedicate AC/DC's "You shook me all night long" to the citizens of Baghdad.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The LAST thing a hippie laying in the street should ever see!

I think these anti-war die-in's would be over real quick if the stupid war protestors would just lay down in the street and the New Yorkers refused to stop for them and just ran them over.  Come on!  Where is all this 'tough' New Yorker BS we've heard so much about?  You mean there isn't one New Yorker who is willing to step in for their country and kick one of these hippie's ass back to Moscow?  If some Wall Street trader would just keep on the gas and not touch the brakes in their new Hummer H2, then we wouldn't need police to stop these protests, just a street cleaner afterwards.

It's okay to voice your opinion, and to have a difference of opinion, but when you become an obstruction, when you put other people's lives in danger, that's where I draw the line.   These are the same people who think it's wrong to shut down an abortion clinic but they'll lie down in traffic and try to shut down the business district.  Double standards, you have to love the left and the liberals.  Marx once had a name for people like these protestors.  He called them 'useful idiots.'  I have been highly amused at the general lack of any specific intelligence or education on the part of these losers.  One female protestor even went so far as to say "We're out here protesting every day, why hasn't Bush stopped the war?"

Duuuuh.

These aren't protestors, I say they're terrorists, and should be dealt with accordingly.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I really had to laugh at the poor little American college girl who spent time over in the Middle East living in a refugee camp with the Palestinians, and then she decided she would lay down in front of an Israeli bulldozer and she got run over!  Bwahahahahahaha!  What a fucking moron!  I mean, my mother taught me to look both ways before crossing the street, I kind of made the intellectual jump to not ever laying down on the ground in front of heavy construction equipment myself.  Too bad this little do-gooder wasn't smart enough to remain in the gene pool, but then nobody is crying, except maybe her parents.  The same for the moron that fell to his death trying to hang some peace and happy banner off of the Golden Gate Bridge.  So long, the gene pool is better without you two.

Anti-War protestor = future Darwin award nominee

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why do we give terrorists any rights at all? They're not American citizens, therefore they should not have the same rights as an American citizen. They should not be protected by the Constitution, since they are trying to destroy it and this country.  They aren't soldiers, so the Geneva Convention (a joke like the UN) shouldn't apply to them either.

That pretty much means that they don't have any rights, and therefore we can do to them what we want and dispose of them when we're through.

Oh, if I was president...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Susan Sarandon - the Jane Fonda of the 21st Century, only not as good looking and no where near as much class.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Chaka Khan

Shock and Awe.  The latest media super buzzword.  Say it really fast with me several times.

"Let me rock you, Shock and Awe.   Let me rock you."

Nope, just not the same.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Speaking of Hollywood... I hear that the Oscars are going to forego with the red carpet treatment. Hello!? Aren't you people anti-war which means that you are pro-terrorist. I think you people would have the least to fear in the way of terrorist attacks, you people support them.

They're not going to shoot or blow up their friends.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

A new T-shirt I'm producing.   Coming Soon!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Now spineless bureaucrat shit like this really, and I mean REALLY pisses me OFF!

Fire Bureau Deputy Chief Gary Warrington on Monday had ordered his downtown fire engines to remove the flags to prevent provocations of local anti-war demonstrators.

"This policy will continue until we no longer have sustained close contact interaction with protesters and demonstrators," Warrington wrote in a memo to the city's three downtown fire companies, The Oregonian first reported. "We do not want extremists attacking our apparatus and our personnel."

Hello!? Have you heard of a deluge cannon?
It takes care of protestors pretty quickly.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Hollywood? Who gives a damn about what Martin Sheen and Susan Sarandon feel about the war? When I see cops, EMTs, firefighters, and soldiers standing up to protest the war, then I'll start to question my president's decision. Do you really think I'm going to take people who make a living out of making believe seriously?  The last time I checked, Martin Sheen played the president on TV and George Bush was president in real life.  Big difference there.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I see where some guy has eaten his 19,000th McDonald's Big Mac.  Why?  Because he just really likes the burgers.  Guess what?!  He's 5'8" and 160lbs.

I'd like to see the McDonald's defense lawyers bring this guy in to testify against those two fat little kids in NY who want to sue McDonald's because they're fat.

Wide load, coming through.

Prime advertising space for rent.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I really get tired of that stupid fucking duck.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Two black men you had better not ever fuck with!

Darth Vader                 Colon Powell

"I find your lack of faith in our military FORCE disturbing." -Colon Powell

No, he didn't say that, but it would be funny as hell if he had.  That and maybe he could lift up some stupid reporter from CNN and let him dangle with his feet twelve inches off the ground as he made choking and snapping sounds.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dixie Chicks- I guess they found out what a Landslide was really like. So long, trendy PC chicks. You've slid right off the charts.   I doubt they would have said what they did in Texas, with a bunch of big Texans waving American flags.  What a bunch of losers.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I guess July 4th Independence Day is going to come early this year for Iraq.

The fireworks display promises to be spectacular.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I hear where Saddam has said that he will use chemical and biological agents to attack our troops and other parts of his country. Wait a minute... I didn't think he had any of this stuff. At least, that's what Sean Penn said.

Maybe we should try the old coal miner's trick of putting a canary in a cage, when the canary croaks, they ran for it. I think we should hang Sean Penn in a cage out in front of our troops, when he croaks, we know that there are chemical agents around.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Oh, yeah.  I bet this sells a lot of John Deere tractors

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I heard where they are saying you need a three day emergency supply for your pet in case of terrorist attack. They say that if you can't get home, have your neighbor check on your pets.

Hello?

Isn't your neighbor going to be evacuated also?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dark Thoughts Definition: Diaper = Baby Back Bib

_____________________________________________________________________________________

From the "BWAHAHAHAHAHA" file...

LONDON — Some of the peace activists who went to Iraq to serve as human shields in the event of war returned home, fearing for their safety, a spokesman said Sunday.

The human shields are mostly European activists who drove from London to Baghdad in two double-decker buses last month, intending to guard civilian sites from a U.S.-led military attack.

Those who returned home had safety or financial concerns, spokesman Christiaan Briggs said.

"The aim was always a mass migration and if we had had five to ten thousand people here there would never be a war," he said. "We do not have those numbers."

The Sunday Telegraph newspaper reported that nine of the 11 British human shields in the bus convoy had left Baghdad. Briggs said about a dozen Britons remained in Iraq alongside several dozens from other countries.

He told Britain's Press Association news agency that Iraq limited the sites that human shields could visit. "Now we are being told we cannot go to certain sites, such as hospitals, so we are reassessing our strategy," he said.

U.S. officials have said that it is a war crime to use civilians as human shields and that there's no way of guaranteeing their safety.

On Friday, the head of Sweden's largest peace organization urged human shields to leave Iraq, saying they were being used for propaganda purposes by Saddam Hussein.

Maria Ermanno, chairwoman of the Swedish Peace and Arbitration Society, cited reports that Iraqi officials were arranging transportation, accommodations and news conferences for the human shields.

"To go down to Iraq and live and act there on the regime's expense, then you're supporting a terrible dictator. I think that method is entirely wrong," Ermanno told Swedish Radio.

Uh, what part of "human SHIELD" do you NOT understand, Sparky? -BE

Dark Thoughts Definition: Human Shield = posthumous Darwin Award nominee

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I see where Bush is going to give Saddam Hussein 48 Hours.

If Saddam doesn't like that, Bush says he'll give Saddam Another 48 Hours.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Russian ambassador Borris "The Bear" Rapizonov gives Britain's Jack Straw
a demonstration of the latest terrorist threat, the Al Qaeda Wedgie

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Great White

Still burning up the stage after all these years.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

From the "And this guy was cheating on her?!" file ...

She told jurors she wanted to save her 10-year marriage after learning of the affair. She said she quit her job, had sex with her husband three times a night, cooked his favorite meals and hired a personal trainer.

She testified she even went to a tanning salon and scheduled liposuction and breast enhancement surgery to make him happy, only to catch him in a tryst with Bridges at the same hotel where the Harrises were married on Valentine's Day 1992.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

This is BB King

This is a BB King gun.

Any questions?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dark Thoughts Definition: Masturbation- self inflicted orgasm

_____________________________________________________________________________________

So the shuttle Columbia exploded over Texas.   I bet it was all that there trailer parks in Texas with them satellite dishes. They probably all tried to order WWF pay-per-view at the same time and like sent one of them old big ass microwave burst-type waves up from the ground that fried Columbia’s electronics and done gone and made the shuttle explode up real good.

I figger it was something like that.  Maybe.  You reckon?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

How do you tell if something is good for America?

Easy.  The democrats are firmly against it.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

From the "Separated at Birth?  You be the judge" file

Mohammed Khalid Shaikh and Ron Jeremy

Not the same, but both are runner ups in the World's Hairiest Man contest.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Vin Diesel would be a scary faggot.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Michael Jackson has come clean about his weird, wacko life -- confessing that, at the age of 44, he still has sleepovers with young boys and enjoys water-balloon fights more than sex.

Well, with a face like that, at least he's honest.  Not like he's going to actually get any sex without paying millions for it. -BE

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Got this in my email the other day, I had to laugh out loud.

Klez.E is the most common world-wide spreading worm.It's very dangerous by corrupting your files.
Because of its very smart stealth and anti-anti-virus technic,most common AV software can't detect or clean it.
We developed this free immunity tool to defeat the malicious virus.
You only need to run this tool once,and then Klez will never come into your PC.
NOTE: Because this tool acts as a fake Klez to fool the real worm,some AV monitor maybe cry when you run it.
If so,Ignore the warning,and select 'continue'.
If you have any question,please mail to me.

Bwahahahahaha! Yeah, right.  I'm really going to install some *.exe file that some unknown person sends me.  How about I email you a clue, Sparky.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I wonder if we could use those U2 spyplanes and all that spy satellite stuff to locate this mysterious Hidden Valley Ranch.

What do they do there?  I bet it's a training ground for terrorists.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Four Supreme Court justice want to ban the execution of very young killers, but they apparently cannot persuade their colleagues to reopen the debate.

The high court did not comment in turning down an appeal Monday from an Oklahoma death row inmate who was 17 when he helped burn a young couple alive in the trunk of their car.

The current case of Washington-area sniper suspect Lee Boyd Malvo, 17, may dampen any momentum to treat young killers more lightly, she added.

Whatever the high court's next move, it may come too late for Scott Allen Hain, the Oklahoma inmate in Monday's case. Hain is near the end of his appeals, and he could be put to death soon unless the court steps in.

"He's just going to miss out," said George Kendall of the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund.

Aw.  Too fucking bad. -BE

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I see where Jerry Springer, a democrat (imagine that!) is thinking about running for the senate. Why not? Most senate meetings resemble one of his shows anyway, he'd make a great referee during debates, and perhaps he could even do his own version of a Senate-based reality show.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I bet the advent of plastic coat hangers really put a damper on in-home amateur abortions.

I mean, have you ever tried to bend one of those things?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'm getting tired of all of these commercials that use old songs to sell new products.  Here's a commercial I'd dare them to make.   I'd like to see a commercial for KY jelly.  We could have Nazareth singing "Love Hurts" softly in the background.  That would be funny as hell.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Do you wonder why so many Pro-choice people are also anti-war? That doesn't make a lot of sense.

And what about the people who are Pro-Choice and anti-death penalty?  That's saying that it's okay to kill unborn babies in America, but please don't bomb the fucking evil people in other countries and don't kill people who have killed other innocent adults or children in our country.  A defenseless baby is easy to kill, but when you have to think about killing an adult human being, that would be cruel and unusual. Yeah, a needle stick in the arm and a quick trip to a coma is cruel and unusual.  That sure beats getting your skull smashed in and your brains vacuumed out while you are still alive.

I just don't get it.  Liberal logic makes me laugh out loud. You would really have to be a twinkle-toed numb fuck to ever be a liberal.

Remember: Pro-Choice is just more politically correct brain washing.  Pro-Choice is really "Pro-Death".

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I see where a bunch of dumb-ass liberal hippy Americans are offering to go to Iraq and stand in front of military targets in order to prevent Bush from bombing them. My thought is, let them! Wave bye-bye when they go. Stop them at the border, take their citizenship, and let them go.  What you are looking at folks is the very bottom of the intellectual gene pool.

What I have to say to George Bush is bombs away! As soon as these "Americans" go to a country we are at war with, and offer themselves as human shields, I believe that they automatically renounce their citizenship in this country, they lose all rights they have as US citizens, and they in turn become legitimate targets of war which may be engaged freely.

My advice to these dumb-ass hippies? Smile for the tele-guided camera in the warhead of the smartbomb. It won't hurt very much for very long.

Good riddance.

Of course, as soon as they show up, Hussein could just kill them, blow up their bodies, and scatter the burned parts around anything that the US hits all in order to place blame on the US. These hippies are going to be great propaganda tools for Hussein and he knows it.

I have some advice for the soldiers and pilots of the United States armed forces when they are fighting the Iraqis: Aim for the hippies! They're where the important stuff is!

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From the "Would you like some candy, little boy?" file

Jeffrey Jones, Paul Reubens, and R Kelly.
(not pictured: Pete Townsend)

Three people you are not going to see as Cub Scout leaders any time soon.

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Subway's newest spokespersons found!

NEW YORK — A federal judge Wednesday dismissed a lawsuit against McDonald's Corp. (MCD) that alleged the fast food chain was responsible for children's obesity.  U.S. District Judge Robert Sweet threw out the suit in its entirety. The judge held that the plaintiffs did not show that McDonald's products involve a danger unknown to the public.

"This opinion is guided by the principle that legal consequences should not attach to the consumption of hamburgers and other fast food fare unless consumers are unaware of the dangers of eating such food," Sweet said.

The suit was brought on behalf of overweight children who consumed foods at two McDonald's located in the Bronx. One of the plaintiffs is a 14-year-old girl who is 4 foot 10 inches tall and weighs 170 pounds.

Well, there may be some small hope for the American justice system after all.  I mean, after some woman spilled hot coffee on herself and sued McDonald's because the coffee was hot (duh!), I figured this was the next legal blow against the Clown.  My thought is, if your daughter is 4'10" tall and weighs 170 pounds, it isn't McDonald's fault that you're such a fucking useless excuse of a parent to let your child get in that condition to begin with.   It isn't McDonald's that should be sued, it's the parents of these children.

Or better yet, maybe these two little piggies can still get rich.  After all, all they need to do now is go to eat at Subway for a year and lose all of that weight.  Then they will be famous like that other fat retard.  Yes, I think we have Subway's two newest spokespersons.   Hell, if they keep the weight, when they get a few years older, they can b stunt doubles for the Anna Nicole Smith show.  -BE

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From the "Yet more useless government regulations at the expense of your tax dollars" file

ED MARKEY



IDIOT

WASHINGTON — Although studies show roller coasters and G-forces don't cause brain injuries, one U.S. lawmaker said Tuesday he wants amusement parks to make more headway on safety precautions.

Two studies conducted for Six Flags amusement park by the American Association of Neurological Surgeons and a scientific engineering research firm concluded that there is "no proof that roller coasters cause neurological injury." The studies also found no significant public health risk associated with amusement park attendance.

"A comprehensive review of all the data and medical literature shows absolutely no causal link," said Six Flags Chief Operating Officer Gary Story. "Amusement park rides do not represent a public health risk and are far safer than many other of our daily activities."

The research firm says it looked at G-forces — rotational acceleration of the head — government data and medical literature and concluded that, "roller coasters are safe."

They said even though the speed and height of roller coasters have increased over the years, G-forces have not.

"Aneurysm rupture may occur at any time, including the time spent riding a roller coaster," said Dr. Robert Harbaugh of the American Association of Neurological Surgeons. "This does not indicate that the roller coaster ride caused the aneurysm to rupture any more than a hemorrhage while eating breakfast means that eating bacon caused the aneurysm rupture."

Researchers even brought in two former astronauts to back up their findings.

"I want to address some of the bizarre comments I've read that compare roller coaster G-forces to a ride on the space shuttle or to a fighter jet," said former NASA chief astronaut Robert "Hoot" Gibson. "Let me say that this is runaway sensationalism and hogwash."

Whereas the amusement park industry says this is proof enough that no more government regulations are needed, Rep. Edward Markey is still skeptical.

The Massachusetts Democrat on Tuesday said he asked for a separate study to be conducted by research groups not affiliated with the amusement park industry. He said parks need to take another look at whether all the loop-de-loops go to riders' heads.

"I am encouraged that the amusement park industry is finally taking so seriously the potential for brain injury on roller coasters and other rides," Markey said.

But he has asked for the Brain Injury Association of America to review the available literature and reported cases of brain injury on roller coasters, since "no one had looked at the data in a systematic way."

Markey said he hopes to have the BIAA study in hand by the end of February.

"This will be the first non-industry sponsored review of what is known about injuries to the brain on roller coasters, and will help us identify gaps on the research that need to be filled," Markey said. (and will waste even more tax payers dollars on non-essential fluff)

Markey plans to reintroduce the National Amusement Park Ride Safety Act (the WHAT!?) after the BIAA finishes its research, a Markey spokesman said. The bill got stuck in committee last Congress when the Senate Energy and Commerce Committee failed to hold hearings on it, he said.  (Well, boo-fucking hoo.)

The bill would close the so-called "roller coaster loophole" by removing an exemption granted in 1981 that prevents the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission from providing to amusement park rides the standards preventative safety regulation it provides for every other consumer product. This includes the authority to investigate accidents, develop and enforce action plans to correct defects, and to act as a national clearinghouse for accident and defect data.

The act would also make sure parks share defect information found about one ride with every other operator who owns a similar ride, even if it is in a different state.

It's been endorsed by groups such as the American Academy of Pediatrics.

"When a plane crashes, an entire federal agency is devoted to finding out what happened and trying to make sure it doesn't happen again," Markey said.

(Well, that's because a plane falls hundreds or thousands of feet out of the air and kills a whole lot of people.  When was the last time that someone rammed a roller coaster into the World Trade Center or that a roller coaster went off its track and killed two hundred and sixty-five people?  Uh, never?   Great, another useless government agency filled with useless people.)

"But when someone dies on an amusement park ride, on which people perish at a higher rate per mile than on airplanes, no federal safety official is even allowed to set foot in the park."

(I seriously doubt more people are killed in amusement park rides than in airplanes...)

Markey noted that when he first raised the issue, there were no G-force standards, either statewide or nationally. There are now enforceable G-force standards in New Jersey.

But without enforceable national standards, "thousands of park patrons are injured in non-brain injury accidents every year on roller coasters and other park rides, and some (but not thousands like this idiot is claiming) of those patrons actually die on these rides," Markey said. "Broken limbs, cuts, sprains or death are not experiences that anyone expects when they go to the park for entertainment."

Markey said the amusement park industry has fought against closing that loophole despite injury data from the Consumer Product Safety Commission showing emergency room accidents on park rides soaring over 90 percent in the last 5 years.

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The other day, I saw a commercial for a cooking pot with a built in colander.  Now that is a good idea, but it made out like if you don't use their ingenious product, your family will starve when you are too much of an idiot to use a pot with a colander.  What really made me laugh out loud was the selling pitch for this device; the premise was that it was perfect for tossing your salad.

Uh, no thank you.

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From the "I've been telling you this for years now!" file

A recent survey by the National Science Foundation found that about half of the average Americans believe that human beings coexisted with dinosaurs. Roughly the same number thought that lasers work by focusing sound waves. Fifty percent of those polled had no idea how long it takes the Earth to orbit the sun.

But I bet they could name every single NASCAR or NFL player on their favorite team and tell you the name of each and every one of the Back Street Boyz. -BE

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Gangs of New York- think of it as "The Warriors" meet "The Titanic"

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I see where the UN(competent) Weapons Inspectors have discovered some undisclosed Iraqi chemical artillery shells- My thought is that we may not have found the 'smoking gun' yet, but I think we just found some bullets that go in it.

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I see where two American civilian support personnel were killed in Kuwait. A gunman with an AK-47 opened fire on their giant gas guzzling Toyota Landcruiser SUV as they left their military base.

The government is calling this an act of terrorism, but I believe that environmental whackos everywhere will praise this act as defiance of the evil SUV owners and a major victory in keeping pollution out of the desert paradise that is the Middle East.

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From the "They didn't have THESE when I was in High School" file

I was looking for a model of a human skeleton arm and hand for a project diorama I want to construct.  Looking at the various health model manufacturers on the Internet, I stumbled across some 'sex education' models.  Being the curious, dark soul that I am, I followed the hyperlink on the company website and found some amazing things.  This one really struck me, as if you can't figure out how to put on a condom, you might be dumb enough to qualify as a food source.  What really scared me was that not only is this model life-like and has the proper dimensions (they didn't mention if a minority flavored model was available which is sure to enrage the NAACP) but it actually works!  I would hate to be the teacher who had to demonstrate this to a class, or worse, get to be the 'penis handler' on a team assigned to do this as an exercise.  Damn.  Are we dumb enough now that we don't know how a condom or a dick works?  Apparently so.  Home school moms, rejoice!   Order yours today!

Demonstrate the proper use of condoms by using this realistic model. Consists of an erect penis, 12 condoms, syringe and artificial semen (UV-fluorescent fluid) to simulate ejaculation. Mounted on a stand with suction cups and delivered with carrying bag.  Part Number: W43001 169,00 USD

Options & Replacement Parts :

Artificial semen (UV-fluorescent fluid) (Replacement Part)
12 Dry Condoms (Replacement Part)

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I saw a jar by the cashier the other day, it said that blind kids enjoyed ski camp, and that a quarter would buy something like five minutes of winter camp and down hill skiing for a blind kid. My first thought was, the kid is blind, who in their right mind is going to let a blind kid ski downhill?

My second thought was, what is this, pay-per-view? Put a quarter in, get 5 minutes of sick comedy.

I've also seen that blind kids like to go to camp to water ski. That's just wrong and we won't touch that.

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A local motorcycle company, Indian Motorcycles in Ocean Springs, was advertising the introduction of the new line of Indian motorcycles.

The selling caption was "your ancestors rode Indians and now you can too."

Woo-hoo! Me do'em Buffalo style, General Custer!

Do I hear Iron Maiden's "run to the hills" playing softly in the background.

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Still waiting on the Chia-Pussy!

Here's my idea for a hanging model.   Just add water to the seed mix, spread, and voila!

In a few days, you've got lucious green BUSH!

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I see where the UNITED NATIONS has voted that LIBYA was one of the top ten human rights countries.

That's like saying that Auschwitz was a Jewish amusement park.

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From the "We're going to sue the gun shop, then the manufacturer, then the people who mined the metal from the Earth to make the gun, and finally God for ever creating the metal and the Earth to begin with." file

Relatives of two Washington, D.C.-area sniper victims filed suit Thursday against a gun manufacturer and store linked to the Bushmaster XM15 assault rifle used in the deadly atta