have shown that you are using only 10% of your total brain
(3% if you are a NASCAR fan)
Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?
optipessimism: looking forward to seeing the dumb in people.
BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.
I came up with the idea for a talking stand up urinal the other day.
One of the phrases it would say really loudly is "Please stand closer."
New Mexico recently voted on allowing insane people and idiots to have the right to vote.
My thought is, hey, why not? Florida had that law in effect in 2000.
When are we going to see a Pro-Choice Barbie(tm)?
Or a Pro-Choice Muppet?
I think all medical records should also
include your most recent IQ score, you know, just so the
EMTs / ER and medical staff know what they are dealing with.
"Hey, Abdul! It's MY turn to hold the AK-47 for the press photo!"
Found in a story about the UN Weapon
Playing tug-o-war with a loaded assault rifle is one way to qualify (posthumously) for a Darwin Award.
Bwahahahaha! Someone sent this to
me and I laughed my ass off. Here's one person's impression
of who the third member of the 'Beltway Sniper' trio really was.
So, Winona Ryder got a slap on the wrist. Did you really expect anything else? After all, she's a star and Hollywood stars (and politicians and sports players) aren't subject to the same laws as the rest of us are.
My thought is that Winona is inept.
She's an inept actress, otherwise, she wouldn't have to shoplift.
She's an inept thief, otherwise she wouldn't have been caught.
WASHINGTON A Second Amendment group is
filing a lawsuit demanding that the nation's capital ease up its gun laws, which are
considered the most restrictive in the nation.
The CATO Institute, a public policy research group that bases its work on libertarian principles, is crafting a legal challenge to Washington, D.C.'s law, claiming that all Americans have the right to defend themselves.
"The Second Amendment provides an individual right for a person to bear arms, not a collective right, not a right of the states, not a right of the militia, but a right on each and every person," said Bob Levy, a senior fellow in constitutional studies at CATO.
Washington, D.C., law states that it is illegal for anyone to own a handgun unless he or she is a police officer or has owned a gun registered prior to 1976.
Even those allowed to possess a gun must keep it unloaded.
(This would be like
letting you own a car, but not letting you keep any gas in it.) -BE
"That doesn't deter criminals at all," Levy said. "Somebody who is not deterred by laws against murder, they're hardly going to be deterred by laws that say you can't have a gun. So in D.C., you have a combination, on the one hand, the most severe gun laws in the nation, and on the other hand, one of the highest murder rates in the nation."
(Studies prove that
populaces with more guns in the hands of citizens have less crime. Liberals would
have you believe that handguns cause crime, that is like saying that pencils cause
spelling errors. Washington, D.C. is the benchmark case by which it should be made
obvious that handgun laws only work to hinder those who obey laws in the first place, i.e.
people who are not criminals.) -BE
Supporters of the D.C. laws, however, say the vast majority of gun violence is not the result of people defending themselves, but comes from criminals committing homicide.
(But how are criminals
getting guns? Isn't it illegal for a criminal to have a gun? I think we have
laws on that. Aren't we having background checks and waiting periods? Oh,
that's right. That's only for people who obey the laws in the first place.) -BE
"This idea that more guns equals less crime is flat out wrong. The truth is more guns equals more crime and it's as obvious as the nose on my face," said Matthew Nosanchuk of the Violence Policy Center.
And Matthew Nosanchuk is
obviously an IDIOT. -BE
Nosanchuk also points out that most of the guns used in D.C. crimes come from neighboring states.
Which means that if a
criminal wants a gun, they will get a gun and that repressive gun laws only work to keep
guns out of the hands of those who would use them to defend themselves. Gun laws do
nothing to deter criminals. -BE
"If you look at the guns used in crime in the District and trace them to their origin, how many of those guns came from D.C.? Virtually none of them, they all came from Virginia and other states with much less restrictive gun laws than D.C. has," he said.
See above explanation.
But Levy said that the only people being denied guns are law-abiding citizens. And he argues that the numbers skew in favor of those using them lawfully.
"All of the evidence that has been introduced suggests that guns are used about 2 million times a year for defensive purposes. There are only 500,000 gun-related acts of violence a year. So on a four-to-one basis guns are more widely used for self-defense than they are for committing acts of violence. And that suggests that if we had more guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens we would have less crime in D.C.," he said.
Well, you don't want a
lot of guns in the hands of citizens when you have lawmakers creating bad policy in the
area, now do you? It tends to upset the politicians. -BE
No timeframe has been set for the legal challenge, which will be filed on behalf of several D.C. residents who feel they are in danger because the law prevents them from owning a gun to protect themselves.
In other second amendment news, California has (surprise) ruled that it is unconstitutional to own a handgun, thus proving once again that they are the dumbest state in the union and that if their judges are picked from candidates produced by their education system, then that says a lot.
Hell. If all of the illegal aliens in California managed to acquire guns, do you realize what you would have? An invading army on American soil.
Think about it.
Maybe it's a good idea to not let anyone in California have a gun.
A new bumpersticker I want to create.
Whose brain-fart was it to hold the MISS WORLD contest in Nigeria?
I bet "THING" gives great hand jobs.
I know a guy who thinks that Neil Armstrong was a stretchable children's toy back in the '70's.
I was in the Men's room the other day and I had to laugh at the brand of toilet paper we are using at work.
Sweet and soft toilet paper.
Man, I do not even want to think how they got the name for that product or what the test group had to do.
I saw a news article where the DNC was set to clean house:
"WASHINGTON Three weeks after the 2002 elections and following the end of the lame-duck congressional session, the Democratic National Committee is making major staff changes."
Might I suggest an enema, say delivered at 40psi?
Do you realize that the Republicans have done more for this country in the lame duck session than the democrats did in over a year since the first terrorist attacks. Who loves you, America? It isn't the socialists, that's for sure. Thank you for not voting for the political party which uses a jackass as their symbol. That's a clear indicator there of what you will get.
From the "Oh SHIT! Are you sure you guys know what you are doing?!" file
WASHINGTON Scientists say they will
attempt to create a new form of life in the laboratory, The Washington Post reported.
Gene scientist J. Craig Venter and Hamilton Smith, a Nobel laureate, hope to create a single-celled, partially man-made organism with the minimum number of genes necessary to sustain life.
If the plan works, the microscopic manmade cell will begin feeding and dividing to create a population of cells unlike any known to exist, the Post reported in Thursday editions.
An announcement of the project was scheduled for Thursday.
The cell will be hobbled to render it incapable of infecting people a step in ensuring safety, the Post said. It also will be confined and designed to die if it does escape into the environment.
The project could lay the scientific groundwork for a new generation of biological weapons. But Venter and Smith said the project could also help in the enhancing the nation's ability to detect and counter existing biological weapons.
The project is funded with a three-year grant of $3 million from the Energy Department.
The plan is to figure out and model in a computer every aspect of the biology of one organism.
"We are wondering if we can come up with a molecular definition of life," Venter told the Post. "The goal is to fundamentally understand the components of the most basic living cell."
The plan will begin with Mycoplasma genitalium, a tiny organism that lives in the genital tracts of people and may cause or contribute to an inflammation of the urethra. All genetic material will be removed from the organism. Scientists will synthesize an artificial string of genetic material, resembling a naturally occurring chromosome, that they hope will contain the minimum number of M. genitalium genes needed to sustain life. (So, like, they're going to build a new lifeform out of what amounts to SMEGMA? That's a real promising start! -BE)
The artificial chromosome will then be inserted in the hollowed-out cell, where it will be tested for its ability to survive and reproduce.
Venter and Smith founded Celera Genomics Corp., the Rockville, Md.-based company where researchers tied government scientists in deciphering the human genome two years ago.
Venter resigned from Celera this year and is financing several projects. One of them is the Institute for Biological Energy Alternatives, where the work on a new life form is to be carried out.
Straight out of a bad sci-fi movie and into reality. There goes the neighborhood. Knowing the democrats, they'll probably try to find out a way to tax these new lifeforms and work them into the voter registration pools. -BE
I know someone who thinks that Ouija is something you get when somebody yanks your underwear up really fast.
I think the only thing funny about the Maryland shooters would be if one of them had been an ex-postal employee.
I wonder if they'll make a mini-series about the UN Weapon Inspectors, you know, kind of like SURVIVOR only this will be where we vote the least favorite inspector out of Iraq each episode until there is only one who is fit to claim the title "INSPECTOR". Yeah, I could see that happening.
I wonder when we are going to start using the AMBER ALERT(tm) to help find terrorists.
Gimp has three children, all adopted from his wife's sister. When I asked him if he ever planned on having any children of his OWN, he replied that he had told the children he has now that when his wife gets pregnant and has a child, for every child of his OWN, one of the children he has now has will have to go. He said they would draw straws to see who had to leave.
God, he's cruel sometimes. I love it.
Tom Daschel, get the fuck out of Trent Lott's seat!
I know a guy who thinks that Mozzarella is a Japanese movie monster.
Q: What's 3 minus 1?
A: RUN DMC.
Someone sent me a list of questions to fill out and get back to them. I answered them in true BE style. Enjoy.
1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP
IN THE MORNING?
Usually a few minutes after the Belly Button Lint Fairy visits me. Belly button lint is kind of like eye boogers, even the Pope gets the stuff.
2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
The guy who invented NERF.
3. GOLD OR SILVER?
Platinum. Its the only card I carry.
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
The Muppets Learn To Vote In Florida. I think its based on a real life story that happened in Miami-Dade county. Janet Reno is a Muppet. A big scary Muppet.
5. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Little House on the Prairie, episode #47, with special guest stars Andrew Dice Clay and Dr. Ruth
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
A glass of Carnation Instant Breakfast mixed with a packet of orange flavored TANG. Stir until the lumps go away and drink before you gag. If you can hold it down a few hours, it redefines the term Breakfast of Champions and if that early morning culinary delight doesnt jumpstart your central nervous system, then youre probably dead and just dont know it.
7. WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
No way out. Duh.
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
Yes. I can even lick my eyebrows, a Yoga trick which first gained me the attention of my wife. She saw me do it from across the bar and her comment to her friend was Thats the man Im going home with tonight
9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
I wear Speed Stick brand anti-inspirant. It keeps me from inspiring during the day.
10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
11. BEACH, CITY, Or COUNTRY?
Mountains. High up. On my own land, in a nice big house, with lots of NO TRESPASSING signs posted and a big collection of guns and dynamite and one of those tiny little slits in the door to look out.
12. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall. Cool weather that doesnt require you to use a jacket to enjoy.
13. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Pistachio Barium Onion, with those little candy colored sprinkles on top.
14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
15. FAVORITE COLOR?
16. FAVORITE CAR?
The sleek red convertible one that goes really fast and gets really crappy gas mileage.
17. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING?
Play-Doh Its kind of like SPAM, but comes in different colors, costs less, and tastes better.
18. TRUE LOVE?
You mean there are other types out there? Wow Ill have to try them all I guess.
19. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE?
A hot, luscious codependent body with a frigid, independent mind.
20. FAVORITE FLOWERS?
21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE?
I wouldnt tell anyone. Instead, Id just spend the money slowly, surprising people, showing up with gifts, tipping really well, paying off other peoples debts anonymously, randomly having strippers bring them singing birthday grams to their place of business/work, etc. That or I would become a mime and just not have to worry about setting out a jar for tips.
23. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
Glow in the dark luminescent white. It saves on the power bill and makes finding the target at night much easier, if you know what I mean.
24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
Way too many. I sound like an old west gunfighter when I walk down the hall.
25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE?
Mountains. High up. On my own land, in a nice big house, with lots of NO TRESPASSING signs posted and a big collection of guns and dynamite and one of those tiny little slits in the door to look out.
And I will have a four wheel drive. Wait, I have all of that already, just not the nice house high up on a mountain. Must redouble efforts
26. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Does three careers, a baby on the way, and a huge website (www.goingfaster.com) that I constantly update count? It should.
27. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK:
The eighth day. You know, like that song by the Beatles. It comes after Sunday and before Monday. You need a special calendar. Thats why if I talk to you about something, and you have no idea what Im talking about, it probably happened on the eighth day and you werent paying attention.
28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
Played Strip Monopoly. I lost on purpose. Twice.
30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
My brain is simply too large to fit in the skull of a normal human being while my heart is made of stone, so no. My parts are incompatible. Sorry.
31. FAVORITE or COMMON EXPRESSION?
Youre seriously casting a shadow on my karma, Sparky. (whispered in a real low, guttural tone in someones ear while you are standing behind them for the best effect)
32. SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU:
If you dont expect too much from them, they might not let you down.
33. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
The Easter Bunny
34. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK FIRST?
The automated postmaster subroutine at AOL.COM with that annoying UNDELIVERABLE TO THE FOLLOWING ADDRESSES: message.
Ever notice that Dick Gephardt looks like he
should have a battery in his back
and be part of the Putterman Duracell(tm) family?
What is up with Gephardt's plastic hair? Does KEN do his styling?
I know someone who thinks that the seventh planet in our solar system is called "Uterus"
Another interesting piece of SPAM I received recently. Look at the name of the sender, can you guess what this SPAM is for?
We can offer you a
NO OBLIGATION * FREE CONSULTATION * STRICT PRIVACY
*Equity Line of Credit
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Oh, this SPAM kills me. Here is someone called "email@example.com" asking me to refinance my loans with them, and the bank is based out of ARGENTINA!!!
No thank you, and goodbye. You would have to be an IDIOT to ever go for anything like this.
And speaking of idiots...
Dale Earnhardt Highway Becomes Official
By: Andrew Crask
Raleigh, N.C., October 22
Dale Earnhardt and his trademark No. 3 now have a highway named after them.
The late Dale Earnhardts place in motorsports history is well defined, but now the seven-time NASCAR Winston Cup champion has an appropriate official monument to his memory as well.
North Carolina Governor Mike Easley announced today that he will sign legislation into law that designates a 28-mile stretch of road in Iredell and Cabarrus counties as the Dale Earnhardt Highway. The signing ceremony will take place tomorrow (Wednesday) at 3:30 p.m. in the State Capitol at Raleigh. Earnhardt's widow, Teresa; various state legislators and other officials will attend.
Enacted by the General Assembly this past session, House Bill 1516 amends the law that governs planning by the N.C. Department of Transportation. It also redesignates a portion of N.C. Highway 136 as State Highway 3, in honor of the number with which the NASCAR racing legend will be forever associated.
Great! We're going to dedicate a LONG stretch of North Carolina HIGHWAY to a redneck hill scoggin who's greatest contribution to civilization was his ability to drive fast in a counter-clockwise motion around a big circle, and to be able to charge people dumber than he was to watch him do it.
I'm really surprised that Teresa Earnhardt didn't require that this section of highway be a TOLL ROAD and CHARGE people to drive on it. I bet there's going to be a souvenir shop somewhere along that stretch of highway selling Earnhardt collectibles.
Society is crumbling around us. We don't give a damn about a soldier that falls in Afghanistan defending our very way of life, or a homeless vet sleeping in a urine soaked cardboard box in a cold, dark alleyway, but we'll slather our bodies and vehicles with a stylized number 3 and boo hoo for decades on some redneck who made a living out of entertaining losers.
Thank GOD I'm a misanthrope.
MOBY + EBONICS = EMINEM
Well, with the elections this week, I am officially turning off all news and radio, and voting Republican clear down the line.
I hear where both parties already have lawyers standing by, the democrats to find any loopholes they can to try to sue their candidates into office if they lose in an election, and the Republicans to defend the right of the people to judge by casting their vote. It will be interesting to watch, in hindsight, the lengths that the democratic party is going to go to in order to win. No law, no person, not one sacred thing will be left intact in their bid to get into power. Mark my words, it is also going to be one of the most embarrassing elections for our country in regard to how we are perceived by the rest of the world. I'm not even wanting to look forward to the presidential election of 2004. It might be the last...
Why do I vote Republican? Easy, I'm a capitalist. A greedy, money grabbing opportunist who wishes to use my brains and my skill to feed myself and my family, rather than relying on the government to do it for me. My line of thinking is, the worst Republican in office still beats the best democrat in the same office, hands down, any day.
I love my country. That's why I'm voting Republican. The union can't take much more liberalism or democratic ineptitude. I generally make fun of politics, but if the Florida election of 2000 didn't show you that EVERY SINGLE VOTE COUNTS, then I don't know what will. Get off your lazy ass and go flick a switch, stab a chad, or whatever it takes to VOTE.
And if you have a fully functioning brain, vote Republican.
I recently read that by manipulating swine sperm, Italian researchers have made a strain of pigs that carry human genes in their hearts, livers and kidneys, an advance that could lead to creating herds of pigs that could provide organs for transplanting into humans. - and the next target market for Harley Davidson when the Baby Boomer generation grows too old to support the Motor Company.
I hear where we will have Russian advisors in Florida to make sure that there is no voter fraud.
Can someone tell me what the HELL is going on with Florida?
Oh, that's right.
Inspired by the success of a
Muppet with AIDS, we introduce the
latest must-have Christmas gift for this season.
New Affirmative Action Elmo.
Because given the liberals mindset, it won't
be long before you have to have a quota on Muppets in your workplace.
Looking at the democratic party, you can already tell that we have a load of Muppets in office in this nation.
Tom Daschel is a Muppet. He's like an evil Democrat version of Elmo.
Q: What's PINK and has seven dents?
A: SNOW WHITE'S HYMEN!
Above is a screen shot from EURODISNEY's new
Amsterdam Pictures Release of "SNOW WHITE'S FIRST GANGBANG"
DISNEY- It's not for kids anymore.
Thanks to Williams/Muhammad and Malvo, the term "Bushmaster" has become a household word. I was cleaning my house the other day when a few friends dropped by, neither was what I would term a knowledgeable firearms person or a 'gun aficionado'. I had earlier emptied my gun cabinet of all my weapons, from my World War II Japanese officer's katana (real), to the lever action rifle that my great grandfather used in the West, to my favorite bolt action rifle of all time, the British .303 Lee-Enfield circa World War II. Well, after I had moved the much lighter now that it's empty gun cabinet to its new location, my friend came running down the hall holding my .223 Bushmaster XM1 carbine with 9x scope out, arms fully stretched, like he was presenting an offering.
"Is this a REAL Bushmaster?" he asked.
I looked at him incredulously, then realized, he probably had never seen a rifle like that short of the mass media.
"Yes." I replied. "That is a REAL Bushmaster."
"Hey, look!" my friend said to my other friend, still holding the rifle out. "It's a BUSHMASTER .223 with a scope! Just like the SNIPER used in Washington!"
It's a strange world. I love how the liberal media pronounces the name of the rifle as "BUSH-master", like they are trying to link the rifle to the president in some way that might influence those with the mental capacity of lichen to think that George W. Bush actually INVENTED the rifle. Bushmaster has been making rifles for decades, and the XM-1 series is just the evolution of the M-16 line of rifles used by our military forces since Vietnam.
Liberal twats, the lot of them. Bah. You really would have to have the mind power of rabbit shit to vote for a liberal, or be one.
DEFINITION: "DICTATION" - Talking with your mouth full during oral sex.
During the 'sniper' scare in Washington, I saw where the infamous 'Son of Sam' wrote a letter telling the 'sniper' to stop shooting people. Oh, good. Thank you, David Berkowitz, for your public service. Now if we could just get a follow up endorsement from Charles Manson, Sirhan B. Sirhan, or Mark David Chapman on why guns are a very bad thing, I believe that we could restore peace and order to this country.
Gimp and I were returning from lunch the other day, it was a pleasant day, so we had the windows of the Chevy Blazer down and the sunroof back, enjoying the Fall temperatures. As we passed through an intersection, I turned to look out the left, and Gimp leaned out the window on the right and shouted at the top of his lungs:
"ASS CLOWN !!!"
Startled, I looked back to see if any stupid Lamar county drivers had tried to run the light or merge into us at the intersection. I didn't see anything.
"What the HELL was that all about?" I asked Gimp.
He shrugged his shoulders.
"That new store, SHOE CARNIVAL is having a grand opening and they had some poor schmuck dressed as a circus clown, standing out near the highway holding up a poster paper and marker colored sign stating the fact. Hell if I would dress up like that and hold a sign for anyone."
"Oh." I said, and we drove on. "Yeah."
Poor clown. You couldn't pay me enough money to dress up like a clown and hold a sign out on the street in traffic advertising a grand opening to anything. And to add insult to injury, the clown had to stand out there three whole days. That's sad.
Senator Wellstone and his family perished in a small plane crash recently. The only survivor was his son. The democrats and liberals are even now letting rumors fly that Bush had Wellstone killed. I wouldn't look in that direction, I'd look at the son instead. Who stands to gain everything from insurance money? George Bush? No, Wellstone's son. The fact that Wellstone's son turned his father's funeral into a pep rally is enough for anyone with half a brain to see what would happen if liberals got elected and totally in power. What a joke. If you vote democrat or liberal, I have no respect for you.
One less liberal in the world. Boo. Hoo. Next!
Oh my God! Talk about the living dead! Walter Mondale has escaped from the cryogenic storage section of the National Archives. This inmate is extremely dangerous and should be returned to his cryogenic holding tube as soon as possible. If you remember the days of gas rationing, double digit inflation, and total ineptness in political office, then you need to make sure that you vote against this guy. The world needs Walter Mondale back in office like the world needs Stalin to be cloned.
Only the democrats and liberals would turn a solemn funeral into a pep rally for their party. I think the only thing that they didn't do at Wellstone's funeral was charge for dinner, you know, invent the first $1000 a plate funeral dinner for the democrat party. Ooops, I just gave them a tremendous fund raiser idea.
Governor Jesse Ventura salutes Clinton's
presidential staff before Clinton turns around and moons Republicans
at the late Senator Wellstone's funeral, gaining the roar of approval from the bewildered herd.
The one bit of funny in all of this would be if Ventura actually appointed an independent to the office, and slapped Mondale down.
Some call it 'taking a shit', others call it a 'bowel movement'...
I call it an 'out of colon experience'
Whoo-hoo! They caught the sniper in Maryland and guess what?!
IT WASN'T A RICH WHITE GUY WITH A BONE TO PICK WITH SOCIETY.
We joined NAMBLA and enjoyed a life of living
in an old Chevy, sleeping together in rest stops,
and eating honey and crackers. NAMBLA worked for us!
Awww. They're so damn cute together. Muslim converts, the one on the left is an illegal alien who has no right at all to be in our country, the one on the right says he's the stepfather of the one on the left and calls the boy his 'stepson'. Me thinks this might be a case of what happens when you join NAMBLA. I love how the media really downplayed the fact that the guy was NOW a MUSLIM and that he had changed his name from WILLIAMS to MOHAMMED. Wouldn't want to hurt any Muslims feelings who may cast their vote for the liberal left, now would we. No.
And then, oh, this is funny, the FBI left Malvo alone in an interrogation room and when they came back, he had hopped on the table, pulled a ventilation grate out of the ceiling and was climbing up into a ventilation duct to escape. The FBI agents had to drag him by his legs backwards out of the duct. They were very embarrassed that situation could happen. My thought is, this guy just helped kill sixteen people and almost brought Washington, DC to a standstill, and you guys don't chain this animal to the floor using eye-bolts? Come on!
Maybe we need a new sitcom, one similar to "DIFFERENT STROKES" but involving Christians and Muslims.
"What you talking about, Mr. Drummond?" (insert sound of AK-47 fire here and an explosion or two followed by audience laughter).
We don't need a "war on terror", we need a new prime-time sitcom! That would make us all feel better and probably if we were all too busy laughing, there wouldn't be time to build bombs or use machineguns.
And speaking of the Shootings in Washington, what really pissed me off was that the governor of Maryland was NOT going to call out the National Guard to protect the public schools, but he WAS going to call out the National Guard to protect the polling places during voting times. That's typical liberal, say you're doing it for the children, but all you care about are the votes and the seats of power. It didn't matter if the schools got shot up, as long as the democrats could get out and vote. Hey, if you elect more democrats and liberals, you'll get more laws, and I'm sure that they'll pass a anti-sniper law due to this.
I wonder if Muhammad and Malvo will be charged with any hate crimes. Oh, wait, I don't think they shot any black people or gay people, so probably not.
I see where that guy in Arizona who was
flunking out of nursing school sent a
22-page suicide note to the local newspaper before killing three people and himself.
Damn, and people say I'm verbose!
Oh, notice the FOX affiliate which is covering the news there. KGUN.
Sometimes, life just gives you irony.
I see where the INS stopped over 200
last minute democrat voters
from being added to the registry in Florida this week.
Well, I hear that we may be using MILITARY surveillance aircraft and even Remotely Piloted Vehicles (RPVs) to look for the sniper in Maryland. My thought is, can't the police do their job? I mean, come on!
Predator + Hellfire ATGM + White Chevy Astro Minivan = Bling Bling!
Here's what I would like to see. I'd like to see the new Predator RPV in action, following some white van down the highway as it zig-zags, then we see the launch of a Hellfire missile, we follow the rocket trail into the rear of the van and *BOOM*. Now that would be prime-time entertainment!
Military planes to search for one single sniper? Of course, you know that's what they want you to think...
From the "How NOT to take a picture for the newspaper front page" file (again)
I bet she gives great microphone.
Photo from the front page of Hattiesburg American
The news networks offered some valuable tips on staying alive when being stalked by a sniper.
Here are some of the more brilliant tips:
While outside, try to keep moving. A moving target is more difficult to hit than one that is standing still.
If you must remain in one place in an area where you feel vulnerable, select the darkest part of the area to sit or stand in.
When moving outside, walk briskly in a zigzag pattern.
The sight of all those liberal sheep moving in a zig-zag pattern while they are walking the sidewalks on their way to work would be worth the price of admission. Of course, this makes it hard now for DUI enforcement in Maryland and that area.
Officer: "I pulled you over because you were weaving all over the road, sir."
Driver: "I wasn't weaving, officer. I was driving in a zig-zag pattern to confuse the sniper."
Shasta: Soft drinks for people who can't afford to buy Faygo.
From the "Things you really don't want to hear when you are trying to eat..." file
Gimp and I were on the road the other day and stopped off at the Chevron gas station / food mart near Brooklyn, MS. I knew we were in trouble when I looked in and every seat in the place was occupied by examples of Darwin's theory at work. Gimp and I got our lunch from the fast food joint built into the gas station and found one single table that was left unoccupied.
It must have been job interview day because everyone there was trying to get hired on in a position of "Sandwich artist", for SubWay.
Well, just as I was about to take a bite from my meal, I heard the rather unattractive Goth-like wannabe behind me utter "Well, you know, my cervix never developed correctly."
Gimp and I matched eyes and stared at each other in disbelief. There are just some things you don't blurt out in public. What that answer had to do with a job interview for a position at SubWay I really, really don't want to know.
People are such media driven sheep, I want to design a T-shirt for the people in Maryland.
On the front it would say "Neh Neh You Haven't Hit ME Yet".
On the back it would say "I survived the Maryland Sniper. So far."
I bet it would sell.
I hear where some liberal crackpot was saying that the NRA (National Rifle Association) was just as much to blame as the sniper for the murders in the Maryland area. You would expect that kind of statement from a liberal Jell-O brain. That's like saying that that teachers are responsible for student's spelling errors.
Still waiting on the liberals to try to make new laws requiring background checks on all purchasers of white Chevrolet Astro minivans and a 5 day waiting period before delivery.
Cindy and I were out late Tuesday night and the only place left open that we could get anything to eat was the Mahogany Bar in Hattiesburg. As we sat there, watching the muted television sets show different sports or news shows, I saw on CNN a news story entitled "LONG DISTANCE SHOOTING. It's taught!"
Well, yeah, duh.
So is flying commercial airliners, which the terrorists did on September 11, 2001 and we also teach people how to drive large rental vans, which is what Timothy McVeigh did in Oklahoma. What's the big deal? Next thing you know, CNN will be interviewing all the Chevrolet dealerships in the Maryland-D.C. area with the breaking news story that these dealerships actually sell white Chevy Astro vans, the same kind that the shooter is using in that area.
CNN BREAKING NEWS: WHITE CHEVROLET ASTRO MINIVANS! THEY'RE FOR SALE TO THE PUBLIC!
And speaking of the Maryland Area Shooter...
Have you noticed that we have yet to receive one description of the shooter or shooters involved in this terror spree, but we have had released a composite sketch and description of the Chevy Astro van. Hello, since when did vehicles require a composite or a description? It's like a scene from Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive". I think that some Astro van has finally gotten sentient and is taking out its rush hour frustrations on helpless tax payers.
Here an officer displays the best known composite for the shooter.
"Be on the lookout for a white Chevy Astro van with a ladder rack on top and a broken tail light. It is considered to be armed and dangerous."
How many frigging white Astro vans with ladders on top and broken tail lights can there be in that area? These people are idiots. I have never before seen a more inept approach to criminal investigation than these people are displaying.
Oh, by the way, this guy was so bad, that
Mississippi didn't want him
as a police chief, and that has got to be telling you something.
From the "Before and After" file
I saw an animated gif on Popular Mechanics.com, I had to change out the word "$25,000" for what you see below.
From the "I get the strangest spam sometimes" file
I get a bunch of spam, most of it I delete without ever opening, but this one made me laugh out loud.
"Reality is a cold harshness. Sometimes you are thinking about that... The Queen of Strapon is waiting for you. You dreamed about me, but never told about this anyone. Come to me and I'll understand you without words. I'll be your cruel and hot mistress, I'll strap on my dildo and take you to the unknown, unreal pleasures. Welcome to my dildo world, my slave, and soon it will become yours. And all this just for $1.95!!! - JOIN NOW!"
Uh, no! Thank you and goodbye.
I saw an advertisement for a new motorized skateboard / scooter that was also all terrain, pretty interesting, I think it was the 'X-Monster' or something like that, advertised on that gay ass TV series XSTV which I guess stands for Extreme Sports Television. Yawn. Cindy and I were looking at the ad, and the wording at the bottom really made us laugh. It gave the contact information on how to order this ridiculous piece of lemming technology and after the phone number it said "No phone? Order online!"
My thought was, don't you have to have a phone line to get on the internet and order online?
Gimp and I were walking through Toys-R-Us looking for something for his kids the other day and he found the plush SPIDERMAN(tm) toy. Looking closely at it, he read aloud that it said over ten different phrases. Interested, he pushed the activator button.
"I could swing all night." the toy said loudly.
Gimp and I both busted out laughing at the obvious adult connotation of that statement. I mean, who knew that your friendly neighborhood Spiderman was a swinger? I bet his super powers make it easy to be a voyeur...
Muslim Rappers! Bwahahahahahaha!
"Allah Be Good. Allah Be Great! We going to destroy the great Satan that be the United States."
Rap is easy. All it takes is a third grade vocabulary and even less education.
There is just something so very wrong about Muslims that rap.
From the "Bumper stickers we won't ever see on a Mormon's car" file...
And speaking of the Maryland Area Shooter
We need to stop calling the murderer up in Virginia a 'sniper', and start calling this person something that is not at all dignified. I think we should start calling him the 'foreskin clown'.
That would really piss off this murderer whenever they made a shot and the news media broke the story with "The foreskin clown made another pathetic attempt at being a sniper today by shooting a 13 year old child standing in front of a school. In what was obviously a huge display of utter ineptness, the foreskin clown proved that they, like every other pedophile in the nation, could lay in wait and ambush a helpless child."
With enough of this negative connotation, it wouldn't be long before it wouldn't become trendy to be a serial killer. I mean, who wants a biography written about their self entitled "I was the Maryland / Virginia Foreskin Clown".
We pander to these guys, we really do. They live for the media attention. As soon as we start publicly ridiculing them, I think it would be more interesting.
I just have one thing to say about the Indonesia bomb blast.
I told you weeks ago about how the new terrorist attacks would be: small, fast, and brutal.
Gimp has gotten on a paintball gun kick lately. He and his friends were talking about where to go to have paintball wars. I suggested the old abandoned Charity hospital, which is supposedly haunted, up in Laurel. Gimp got real excited about the prospect of running around a ruined urban environment until I reminded him that it was almost Halloween and that they should use glow in the dark paint pellets.
Gimp explained that he had talked about spending the night in the abandoned hospital several times with some of his friends. He was with a group of friends that included several black guys, and when the topic came up of spending the night there at the abandoned hospital, the black guys said that there was no way that they were going to do that!
When Gimp and his friends tried to persuade everyone into staying the night and having paintball wars in the abandoned hospital, one of the black guys piped up and said that if they stayed the night, they'd probably see some "transparent brothers in chains come to take you away."
Democrat controlled New Jersey High Court Rules in Favor of Democrats - Really? Well, there's a surprise!
Imagine what would be happening right now if it was a Republican who had resigned. Do you think that the New Jersey high court would be letting the GOP put another candidate on the ballot? No! We'd be getting the 'we must follow the letter of the law' speech from those ass-puppets. Damn. New Jersey is making Florida look like a bunch of rocket scientists right now.
Remember, if you are a liberal, the law doesn't apply to you. It's not the law, it's how you interpret (twist and contort) the law that matters and what the law can do for you. These people will do ANYTHING to get power and keep it. Florida and New Jersey have shown that. I'm scared of liberals. I think each one of them is born with a little red star shaped birthmark on their ass and a copy of Marx's work shoved up their butt.
I wonder what the Klingon word for "KY Jelly" is?
Whatever it is, I bet you wouldn't want to hear it uttered in a low guttural tone right next to your ear...
FRESNO, California (CNN) -- A Greyhound
commuter bus ran off the road and overturned Monday evening in rural western Fresno County
-- killing two people -- after at least one of the passengers on board attacked the
driver, according state and local law enforcement officials.
"The bus was moving at freeway speeds when one passenger -- possibly two -- attacked the driver with a knife," said Lt. Jeff Johnson of the Fresno County Sheriff's Department. "He was attacked in the head and throat area," and is in stable condition.
Johnson said a suspected attacker was in custody. The motive for the attack was unknown.
Ester Molina with the Highway Patrol said two people died in the accident and 50 others were injured -- 10 of which she described as "major injuries." She said several people had been evacuated via helicopter ambulance.
The bus was northbound on Interstate 5 just before 9 p.m. PDT (midnight EDT) when the incident occurred about 50 miles southwest of Fresno (about 10 miles northeast of Coalinga) in the San Joaquin Valley.
Great! Now we'll be talking about building safety cages around the bus drivers or letting the drivers carry handguns. Where are the liberals on this? Why aren't there stricter laws on purchasing new and used box cutters? What about the danger of purchasing bus tickets? What about background checks on Greyhound passengers? I think there should be a five day waiting period and background checks on anyone who wants to ride Greyhound buses. What we need are more laws specifically for bus passengers. Contact your senator or congressman right now! -BE
LIMA, Ohio Three Greyhound passengers,
including an off-duty female bus driver, subdued a man who had thrown himself onto the
driver and steering wheel, saying he wanted to die, authorities said.
State Highway Patrol troopers were already en route to the southbound bus on Interstate 75 in northwest Ohio early Friday, saying the driver had called them after the same man alleged another passenger had a gun.
After the man was subdued, the driver stopped the bus and, with the help of the passengers, removed Bobby Whitley, 51, of Jackson, Mich.
Whitley apparently saw the flashing lights of approaching patrol cruisers and started to run, but was taken into custody without resistance, the patrol said.
No weapon was found and no one was injured.
Whitley was charged with inducing panic, disorderly conduct and assault.
Patrol Sgt. Mary Cosgrove credited the passengers who went to the bus driver's aid. She said the first person to grab Whitley was another Greyhound driver, Gracie Bentley, 50, of Hamtramck, Mich. She was helped by passengers Gary Lawrence, 29, of Athens, Ga., and Mashariki Childrey, 29, of Charlotte, N.C.
The driver was identified as Keith Terrell, 43, of Toledo.
Lima is about 70 miles south of Toledo.
The incident was the second in a week involving a Greyhound bus.
Hell, yeah! Finally some of the sheep wake up and realize that it is up to THEM to protect themselves, not the government, not their mommy, not some corporation! Fight people! Fight! Congratulations to those who were not afraid to defend themselves. In remembering 9-11-01, it still boggles my mind that out of four airplanes full of passengers, with numerical superiority in their favor, that only a handful of people on one plane resisted the terrorists. The same thing just happened on this bus, this is the fourth Greyhound bus attack since 9-11-01 and out of four buses, only one group of passengers stood up and did anything to protect themselves.
That basically amounts to the fact that apparently, 75% of the population has been successfully pacified into lucidity by the liberals. Sad. Like Michael Savage says in his new book, "It is going to take a savage nation to survive this."
Amen. The times are changing, are you ready to fight? Or are you ready to sit back and be someone else's victim? -BE
Still waiting on Harley Davidson to come out with a 9-11 Commemorative special bike.
Maybe they can make each cylinder look like one of the towers out of respect...
From the "Before and After" file- a little bit of graphic placement humor
I see where the Chinese man who poisoned all of those patrons of his business rival has been sentenced to death. Death sentences in China are automatically appealed, and executions are typically carried out immediately after the final appeal. You know, maybe we could learn something from the communists after all. -BE
Well, it's getting close to Halloween so I thought I would go ahead and give you: a scary picture of the living dead.
"Boo! Hahahahah! I've come for your daughter, Elvis."
Sorry. I told you it would be scary. (shiver)
Michael Jackson reminds me of that "Gollum" creature from "The Lord of the Rings"
"I touches you, my precious. Yes. I touches you and I goes tee-hee-hee, my precious."
And speaking of the living dead...
And speaking of careers that are dead...
What an ignorant llama fellating tool this bimbo is ...
She remixes the lyrics of her songs to match her political views and political party (kind of like Elton John did when Princess Di was killed) and then she raises six million dollars for people who want to tell you how much of your money they are going to let you keep. Then she misquotes (or rather completely makes up) Shakespeare. Her memo to the Anti-Christ (Tom Daschel) was so full of spelling errors that a third grader could have been hired to proof-read it.
washed up has-been liberal
Hey, Barbara, weren't you supposed to leave the country if Bush got elected? Well, that was two years ago. Time to go, Babbs. No, really, you've overstayed your welcome in our great country long enough.
Now would be good.
I think I know where she got her now infamous quote from...
Yeah, that's about her reading level.
"Oh thank you, Sweet Jesus! It's Superman!"
Marvel comics and DC Comics have done specials
and tributes to 9-11 showing the various superheroes crying at the destruction, etc. My
thought is, if the damn superheroes were real, why didn't they do anything to help. Who
really gives a crap about Captain America shedding a tear at the ruins of the WTC except
someone who doesn't have a life to begin with.
Superheroes really piss me off.
Here's how it could have been different if
Superheroes really existed. Screw Marvel and screw DC Comics. The only real
superheroes on that day were the EMTs, firefighters, and police officers.
UP! UP! And AWAY!
Al Qaeda will fail because they do not understand America
The problem with Al Qaeda is that they didn't know where to hit America to make it hurt. Sure, they hit a valuable piece of land and some buildings, but that didn't really affect Joe and Jane Average Pop Culture Addict now did it?
Al Qaeda needs to start shooting up McDonald's and blowing up Wal-Marts if they are ever going to instill terror in the heartland of America. Think about it! This country would crumble over night if we thought that we couldn't go to Wal-Mart to buy some Sam's Choice underwear in a tube or get a supersized Big Mac combo meal hand delivered to us by an evil neon colored ass clown.
Buildings blowing up wouldn't be half as bad as calling in a bomb threat, letting people lock out the elevators and then run down the stairs only to find trip wire claymores have been installed in the stair wells. Terrorism is a conflict of terror. It isn't so much the body count, as it is the shattering of your opponent's mind. You don't want your foe to feel safe anywhere, you want to destroy their traditional values, to destroy the places they feel most secure.
Churches. Kindergartens. Boutiques. Video stores. Fast food restaurants. Shopping malls. Movie theaters. Who cares about blowing up government buildings and passenger airplanes. Those do not instill terror in the normal populace because they are by and large, outside the realm of the operation and life of the average American.
You start blowing up bait shops and gun stores, that's when the real terror is going to begin. I think America is too busy looking at the big targets to realize where the next wave of terror is going to appear from.
Think small. Think fast. Think brutal.
Wal-Mart. Ever notice how Wal-Mart is starting to get as big as and act just like Bell Telephone did back before the government broke them up into lots of little regional bells? I wonder if soon we'll have some anti-trust action against Wal-Mart and then we'll have stores and corporations like South Central Wal-Mart and Pacific North West Wal-mart, etc.
Thanks, Gimp. Thanks for ruining
a perfectly wholesome childhood memory you bastich.
Funny as hell. I did my own take on what really happens up on Walton's Mountain.
From the "Bad judgment in advertisement placement" file
This was a screen capture from CNN.com, giving the story about the four men who were removed from the passenger airliner in Oakland.
Notice the ad on the right, it is for airline tickets.
That's just wrong. Funny. But wrong.
RETURN OF THE REDNECK JEDI
This movie has it all! NASCAR, trailer
parks, the Millennium El Camino, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Styrofoam coolers,
Marlboro, line dancing, lightsabers, and of course the love theme is done with a fiddle, a banjo, and a harmonica.
"NASCAR. COUNTRY MUSIC. LINE DANCING. BAH! A JEDI CRAVES NOT THESE THINGS!" -Master Yoda
If we go to war with Iraq, I think we need a new battle cry to stir the numb-asses into a blood thirsty rage. I know that it would be patriotic to storm the beaches of Iraq shouting "Remember the World Trade Center!" or "Remember the Pentagon!" However, I think we should invade Iraq not because of what happened on September 11, 2001, but because it is what Dale Earnhardt would have done if he had still been alive.
We all know that Dale Earnhardt was the greatest American that ever lived but can you imagine tens of thousands of U.S. military personnel attacking Iraq and the rallying cry being: "Let's win this one for Dale!"
I think we should call the invasion and subsequent pacification of Iraq OPERATION: INTIMIDATOR
United States Marines raise the battle standard of NASCAR over the ruins of Saddam's palace. NASCAR officials say that they plan on building a four hundred million dollar Middle Eastern motorsports complex on the site with groundbreaking to begin early next year.
Yes, folks... if Dale Earnhardt was still alive, he'd be leading the charge to storm the beaches at Iraq!
Here's an artistic impression of Dale proudly leading our troops into battle!
Thanks to Mark Longmire for the graphic witchery.
From the "Let's Keep America Beautiful" file.
Mark Longmire suggests that this be the first
towards beautifying the Daytona racetrack.
I whole-heartedly agree.
They had to get rid of that damn statue of
Dale Earnhardt because as soon as
they unveiled it, they saw this guy sitting on a horse at the back of the crowd.
I hear that they had to
relocate the statue to a park nearby,
and to make it somewhat functional to blend in with the natural surroundings.
(beating the hell out of some baseball coach)
From the "Truth comes out (of the closet)" file...
BANNU, Pakistan (CNN) -- A Pakistani
businessman denied Monday a report in Time magazine that implies he had a homosexual
affair with John Walker Lindh, the American who joined the Taliban.
Khizar Hayat said he did not tell Time his relationship with Walker Lindh was sexual.
Their relationship, he told CNN, was "the kind of relationship any good Muslim should have with another."
Hayat, who said Walker Lindh stayed with him about a month, denied having sexual relations with the young American. "That's nonsense," he said. "We never had any such relationship."
The Time article, which explores how a young man from suburban America ended up with the Taliban, contains the following passage:
"Hayat met Lindh and took him on a tour of various madrasahs, searching for the perfect one from Karachi in the south to Peshawar in the northwest. The young American rejected them all and preferred remaining at Hayat's side. He helped Hayat at his store, a prosperous business dealing in powdered milk. Hayat, who has a wife and four children, says he had sex with Lindh.
"'He was liking me very much. All the time he wants to be with me,' says Hayat, who has a good though not colloquial command of English. 'I was loving him. Because love begets love, you know.'"
Lindh's lawyers deny that their client engaged in any homosexual relationships.
Well, that explains it then. Lindh did it all for the nookie. The nookie. The nookie. So he could take that nookie, and stick it up his ass. Stick it up his ass. Stick it up his ass. Hey! Aren't homosexuals outlawed in Islam? Like that's a cardinal sin or something? -BE
And speaking of bad Limp Bizkit humor, you have to understand that I'm rather impulsive and I see humor in anything and everything, nothing is sacred to me. Well, my wife (6 months pregnant) and I were in Turtlecreek mall the other day. You know how pregnant women are when it comes to sudden cravings for sweets. Cindy asked me if I would go to the cookie dealer and get her a chocolate chip cookie because the baby was kicking in the womb and she wanted something to tide her over until we left the mall and got some real food. I complied and shortly thereafter delivered the chocolate chip cookie which vanished in short order to provide raw materials for the baby factory working double shifts down below.
"Goodness." Cindy said, finishing her cookie as we walked along together through the mall. "You're such a good husband."
"I did it all for the cookie." I started to rap. "The cookie. The cookie. So you can take that cookie, and put it in your tummy. Put it in your tummy. Put it in your tummy."
Cindy started busting out laughing because I was dancing around her ghetto style using both hands to rub her pregnant belly like it was a crystal ball.
It's never boring what we have between us, I promise.
Look at these two guys expressions... gun scoggins! I couldn't help myself.
"Whoa, Bill! What is THAT? That's pretty durn neat!?"
"Well, Tom, this is a machinegun. It's good for shooting idiots in the face from a real long way away."
"Great googly moogly! What end does the hurty stuff come out of?"
"The tiny hole up here. I think it comes out pretty durn fast too."
"Wow! I bet it stings when it hits you. I bet it stings real bad!"
"Yeah, Tom, but only for a little while or so I'm told."
From the "I hate Lance Bass almost as much as I hate Dale Earnhardt" file
So Lance Bass is still trying to get into
space. I guess he wants to be a Basstronaut.
I thought I would help him out here with a few pictures.
Here's "Space Cowboy" Lance Bass,
probably ready to do a sequel
to Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes". I guess we know who the chimp
piloting the space pod will be this time.
Oh, the Greatest Ape and the Lawgiver would not be pleased with my heresy.
Be sure to catch Lance Bass' new blockbuster sci-fi movie this summer.
Straight to video. That back room, adults only type video.
If Lance Bass can't raise the money to go
here's a cheaper idea on how he can become an astronaut.
You take one Mattel Astronaut Barbie
and you take one Lance Bass N-Sync doll
And you do some cross dressing. Voila!
Not that Lance Bass is a stranger to cross dressing, but in this instance,
I think you could create your own Basstronaut figure for about $30 or less.
A stick of dynamite might get your creation into orbit. Well, most of it.
And to close out, I'd like to show you some
clever photoshop witchery.
This is my concept and Mr. Longmire's artistic hand at the wheel.
It's the title shot for a new concept piece / site I'm working on called "Lance Bass in History"
In the background, you'll see the other members of N-Sync waiting to be put out of their misery.
No, wait, out of OUR misery.
I get so tired of these Nexium ads.
Today's purple pill?
What was yesterday's purple pill?
What was yesterday's pill?
Was it even purple?
SHUT THE FUCK
MICHELIN- "Because SO much is riding on your tires."
From the "Well, the guy did say it was a BODY shop" file...
Brothel Found at Car Repair Shop
Wed Sep 25, 8:01 AM ET
SPRINGFIELD, Va. (AP) - Police in Virginia say a car repair shop was doing more than fixing cars.
They say they've uncovered a brothel operating out of the body shop, which is in a Springfield industrial park.
Police arrested eight people over the weekend and charged them with prostitution and keeping a bawdy house.
It's not clear how long the alleged brothel had been operating out of the car repair shop.
The building's owner says he had no idea what was allegedly going on there.
Well, yeah, I mean, duh! It was called a 'body' shop, wasn't it? It's a good thing they didn't find any stiffs in the trunk... -BE