Studies have shown that you are using only  10% of your total brain capacity...   (3% if you are a NASCAR fan)

Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?

wpeC5.jpg (9935 bytes)
optipessimism: looking forward to seeing the dumb in people.

BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.  Updated whenever the little voices in his head tell him to ...

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe8.jpg (14772 bytes)

I'm not sure exactly what they are selling but I'm not buying...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe8.jpg (17646 bytes)

This is an ad for a local cellular company.  The billboards are all around town with the annoying girl screaming "CALL ME!"   Call you what?  I can think of a few adjectives.  Man, is this a advertisement for a cellular phone system, a slasher movie, or a porno?  It could easily be all three!  I think she looks like she's about to take a load on the mouth and tongue...

Can you say "Money Shot"?

Of course you can.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

You have to understand my friend Jeff.   He's five foot seven and a police officer.  One of the best officers I've ever met or had the honor to work with.  If God had made Jeff two inches taller, Jeff would have taken over the world by now.  He's that tough so when we are together, I often kid him about his height just to get him mad.  Well, Jeff went out with a woman who was a good foot taller than he is.  Cindy and I were joking about the two of them together being such an odd match height wise and then the subject of Halloween came up.   Cindy wondered what Jeff and his date would go dressed as if they went to a Halloween costume party.

"Easy." I said.  "She would go as the Statue of Liberty and Jeff would go dressed as an Ewok."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

You know Metallica has finally sold out when you walk into Wal-Mart and find their McFarlane action figures on their own display. I mean, how cool is it to have a complete set of Metallica figures on top of your stereo at home now?   I was listening to Metallica before they were ever cool, way back in the early '80's but Metallica sold out long ago… I refuse to listen to a bunch of old whining money grabbing has-beens who can do nothing lately it seems but do covers of other people's songs, and do them badly.

So who is next to get ripped off by Metallica, who in turn claims that NAPSTER was ripping them off.  Yeah, I could see Metallica covering Boy George's "The Crying Game".  If they could make money off of it.

Losers.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I grossed out my wife this morning. She was standing behind me getting ready.  I emptied all the whiskers from my electric razor into the sink while I was brushing my teeth, then I spit the mouthful of toothpaste into the pile of whiskers. When I showed her, I said:

"Look, doll! It looks like one of those Oreo McFlurry shakes from McDonalds!"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

robzombie.jpg (20573 bytes)

Rob Zombie recently had his debut movie "House of a Thousand Corpses" canceled by the head of Universal Studios who described it as a "Uber celebration of depravity". Rob Zombie, not so easily defeated, said that he will seek other venues for the release of his new movie.

When asked if he was comfortable with sitting in the director’s chair he replied "I want to do more movies. That'll be the next thing, to do a movie when the tour is done. There's always something to do. I want to get into making children's television."

Children’s television from the mind of Rob Zombie?   He'd be like an evil Jim Henson.  Yeah, that's going to happen... real soon.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ahbwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

When (the wrong) worlds collide...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I think fat, ugly girls who have their network login password set as "romance" are pretty scary...  like there was a chance of that happening.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Recently, a Star Wars fan posed the question: "Do you think Darth Maul will come back in either of the next two episodes?!  I really hope so, he was sooooo neat!!"

Now, let's see, Obi-Wan Kenobi cut him completely in half in that despicable waste of perfectly good film titled "Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace", so my answer to this person was:

"Sure!  Darth Maul is going to be back in both SW Episode 2 and SW Episode 3.  His top half is going to appear in the second episode and his bottom half is going to make a comeback in episode 3."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

And speaking of Darth Maul...  Check this out!  Separated at birth?  You be the judge...

wpeA.jpg (3247 bytes)         wpe7.jpg (5784 bytes)

Snoop Dogg                                 Darth Maul

The Dark Side of the Force is STRONG in the ghetto...   Word.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

My take on if STAR WARS: The Empire Strikes Back were redone today...  Vader had a lot to learn about management techniques. His managerial skills  worked fine in the late '70's and early '80's, but today, they would be a bit harsh. If  ESB were being produced today, I'm afraid that Lord Vader would not get to crush Admiral  Ozzel's larynx, but would rather be contacted by HR and scheduled for sensitivity  training. It would be a kinder, gentler Empire... ISO9000 compliant to be sure. I can see the politically correct version of TESB:

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "Where's Admiral Ozzel?"

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "Uh, sir. He displeased Lord Vader..."

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "Holy Bantha Poodoo! Is he DEAD?!"

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "No sir. He's on workers comp but he's filed a grievance against Lord Vader through the  Human Resources Office on the Executor."

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "That's just terrible. Where is Lord Vader?"

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "He had to take a shuttle to Coruscant. I believe he's scheduled for sensitivity training today at 0900 hours."

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "Well, I guess we'll just have to wipe out those rebels on Hoth by ourselves."

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "Sir. Hoth is now listed as a Imperial Government protected area and the rebels are on  the list of official endangered species."

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "What the ..."

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "New orders came just this morning. I'm afraid we're supposed to turn the fleet around  and head to Tattooine. We're supposed to boot some moisture farmers off of their land in  order to insure the continued protection of the twin shell sand snail. It made the endangered species list as well,
right below 'rebel scum'... Sir? Sir! Where are you  going?!"

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "I'm quitting. This Empire has gone far too liberal."

stormtrooper.gif (935 bytes) "Glad I didn't tell him about the new 'don't ask / don't tell policy'..."

Of course, there would be a disclaimer that no animals were hurt in the making of this film, and we would have new people for old roles.  We would cast Jesse Jackson as Lando Calrissian and Tom Daschel as Emperor Palpatine.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Never make eye contact with someone in the bathroom stall next to you.  Very bad situation.   Very  bad.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I like to pretend that I'm sacrificing nubile young virgins to the evil volcano god when I drop my chocolate pop tarts into the toaster.  I wonder if pop tarts scream on a level we can't hear them?

That would be eerie.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Halloween.  A time when people get to dress up like they're extras in a bad Blind Melon video.

_____________________________________________________________________________________


I saw a beat up old pickup truck today.  Emblazoned across the top of the windshield were the words "TEAM JESUS" and I laughed because I knew that if Jesus owned a pickup truck, it wouldn't look like that...

_____________________________________________________________________________________


Jeff and I were talking the other night about just ridiculous things.  I can't remember what the subject was, but his answer was "Yeah, and there's about as much chance of me doing that as there is of me putting on gasoline soaked drawers and running through hell."  I almost wrecked the Blazer I was laughing so hard...


_____________________________________________________________________________________

I really am disgusted at all of the 'bandwagon patriotism' that is being shoved down the  public's throat lately.  Businesses are suddenly proud to
be American and are having  patriotic sales, etc.  It is enough to make you sick.  One local car company is opening their ads on the radio by thanking the NYC fire and police departments for their sacrifice and saying that for every car they sell, they will donate $25 to the NYC FD/PD charity funds.

Isn't that thoughtful of them? 

For every $25,000 car, truck, or SUV that they sell, they will donate $25 to this fund.  That is contributing 1/1000 of the purchase price.   Think about it.  Like they aren't figuring this $25 'donation' into the  price of the vehicle to begin with.  Folks, please...  They're getting YOUR money through YOUR sense of patriotism and they're not out anything.  What a load of crap...

Car dealers are such leaches.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I remember the nursery rhyme / story about the little Dutch boy who put his finger in the dike and saved the whole town.  Years ago, it was a children's nursery tale.

Today, most people think it's a plot to an adult movie.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

There is a fine line between being overly patriotic and just downright tacky.

_____________________________________________________________________________________


Well, I don't think Rush Limbaugh will be bragging about the incredible sounds of his Bose Wave Radio anymore or inviting people to buy one through sponsorship and commercials  on his radio show.

_____________________________________________________________________________________


I took Cindy to the ER last night for a bad sinus infection.  The doctor said that he was  going to give her an injection and asked her if she had ever heard of "Decatron".

"Decatron?" I asked the doctor.  "Wasn't he one of the Decepticons in that Transformers  cartoon movie ..."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

When they are preparing to execute someone by lethal injection, why do they use a sterile  pad to wipe the skin before they insert the IV needles?   Are they scared that the condemned might get an infection?

_____________________________________________________________________________________


Jeff and I were in Winn Dixie the other night  in the  frozen foods cooler isle.  I  looked up at the ice cream bars, saw a familiar brand and said:

"Klondike bars.  Now available  in the frozen foods cooler at Camp Sister Spirit."

Jeff busted out laughing.   For those of you who don't know, Camp Sister Spirit is a  new-age type lesbian commune retreat down in Ovette, MS that always likes to stir up the  news and locals.   WHY a bunch of lesbians wanted to put a retreat out in the woods with nothing around them but ignorant rednecks and hillbillies must have been an obvious lack of foresight on their part.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

How long before the Franklin Mint introduces a "World Trade Center" commemorative collector plate?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why does the winner of the Mrs. AMERICA contest get a FOREIGN car to drive around in?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Some people say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty, I say where's the damn waitress with my refill.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

With all of this 'white powder Anthrax' scare going on, how long before people stop taking BC Powder pain reliever?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Jeff and I went out the other night while Cindy was at night class.  We went to a local restaurant, and our waitress, well, the poor girl was lacking in the frontally developed section if you know what I mean.

"Damn!" Jeff said.  "Did you see our waitress!  The girl must have been an "A" cup!"

I shook my head.

"Nope." I replied.  "I was thinking she was more a double A or a triple A cup..."

"You mean like the smaller the battery, the more "A"s they put behind the name."

"Exactly."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I think senators and congressmen should start opening their own damn mail.  We wouldn't have to worry about term limits then...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I don't think the band "ANTHRAX" is enjoying these dark times, nor is "GWAR" very high on the list of top 40 play with their "AMERICA MUST BE DESTROYED" song...

_____________________________________________________________________________________


United Nations (news - web sites) Human Rights Commissioner Mary Robinson, speaking after the world body won the Nobel Peace Prize, called for a suspension of the air strikes in order to provide aid to hungry civilians before the onset of winter.

``All I can say is there is a desperate situation for hundreds of thousands -- perhaps up to two million -- of the Afghan civilian population who desperately need food,'' she said.

``It is absolutely wrong that 6,000 people were killed in the terrible events of September 11 but equally we must have regard for the population in Afghanistan,'' she told Irish state radio.

Maybe, Mary, you can ask the Al Qaeda to suspend their activities as well? Do you think that Osama Bin-Laden will stop his organization from attacking the US because some refugees are going to starve?  Really.  If you could get Bin-Laden to stop his terrorist attacks, that would make it easier to get food in, now wouldn't it.  I'm really beginning to see why U.N. stands for Uneducated Nitwits.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ever notice that when it gets to be really bad weather, it seems that the entire trailer park goes to Wal-Mart...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Pacifism is obsolete.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'm perfectly willing to give peace a chance.   I say we give all the hippies guns and send them to the Mid East.  If that doesn't work, hey, hell, we tried, and we go back to more traditional methods like bombing the bastards into the stone age.  Oh, wait, they already are in the Stone Age.   Well, I guess we'll just have to bomb them back into primordial ooze.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I listen to Rush Limbaugh a lot, in 8 years of hell that the liberals and democrats have put us through, his was the only voice of truth.  I heard he was suffering from hearing loss, and went to his website to find out more.  What to my surprise did I see but his new logo.   Looks a lot like another person's logo, doesn't it?  Coincidence?  Or maybe ...

wpe5.jpg (2458 bytes)

Rush's NEW symbol

wpe8.jpg (6389 bytes)

My OLD (and still current) symbol in use since 1997...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Somewhere, someone has one of those little Taco Bell dogs that was given in the spirit of romance...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I was working on a computer the other day, itself having given up the ghost with the infamous Microsoft Windows NT "Blue Screen of Death" when I found a stack of those supermarket tabloids stored near the computer.  One had a picture of Bin Laden on the front, so I opened it to see what kind of crap was printed about the terrorist attack.  When I flipped to the "love interest" section, I knew I was in for a plethora of Dark Thoughts material.  The Globe did not disappoint, and now I wish to share with you some of the gems I found in that little paper.  I've added my own thoughts and comments where appropriate.

Women looking for men

Correctional institute inmate.  Gorgeous legs, beautiful white lady, educated, great figure, 5'3", childless, down-to-earth seeks gentleman 48 to 68 for possible marriage.  Loves home life, outdoors, cooking, crocheting.  - I bet she loves the home life and the outdoors, she's in JAIL!

SWCF-, sad, lonely, severely abused, very quiet, homebody, dieting, 5', plain, old fashioned grandmother, severe Osteoporosis, Loves God's natural order, animals, humor, kindness, music.  LTR with protective, good diabetic cook, gardener, fisherman with boat/dock. Tropical island?  No bad habits. I'm selling home and relocatable.  Would like to know happiness.  Please write ASAP.  - Yikes!  Can you say "High Maintenance"?  Well, at least she's honest up front.

Classy European lady, 57, looks 47, living in the USA.  ISO older, Caucasian, refined gentleman, loving, caring, sharing, honest, sincere, alcohol/drug/disease-free, healthy and wealthy.  European aristocracy preferred, to enjoy the golden years together, to enjoy each other with a lifestyle of the rich and famous.  Fame is optional.  Photo first, letter please.  Children, grandchildren welcome.  - Can you say "Gold Digger?" Notice she isn't bringing anything to the relationship other than herself but boy is she making some demands!  Prefer aristocracy?  Like European aristocracy is going to be caught dead reading the personals section in something like the Globe.   Bwahahahahaha!  Next time, you'd have a better chance of catching a prince by putting your name and number on a truck stop bathroom wall.

Correctional institute inmate.  Adorable, white, never married, southern girl, 34, who longs for love and commitment.  I am kind, attentive, and passionate.  Relocatable for the right man.  -What this means is that if you break her out of jail, she will follow you and do you.

Correctional institute inmate.  Enchanted lady seeks stable man to create magic, shatter realities, experience pleasures, fulfill needs.  Honesty / trust a must.  Willing to relocate.  Give us a chance.  -Another enticing jail break offer in disguise.  Notice all of these inmates put up a requirement of honesty and trust being important.  Hello?  If they were honest / trustworthy people, then they wouldn't be in jail, now would they?

Pretty blue eyes, German, 5'11", 41, daughter in college, son 11, seeks non-smoking, Christian, youthful mind/body, White male for marriage, baby. My biological clock is slowing.  Hurry!  -Yikes!   It's got a daughter in college and an 11 year old son and it wants another child!   Run while you can, men!  This one has long tentacles that will grab you tight and drag you down into the briny depths of hell... and it's looking to mate!  Again!   For the third time!  And its a requirement of the relationship!

And now, some from the men...

Mature SBM, quiet, caring, affectionate, seeks buxom lady, compliant, gentle, total pleaser, trusting, sharing, giving, reclusive, homebody, non-materialistic, thrifty, organized, dependable.  -This guy copied the creed out of the Boy Scout handbook.  Buxom?  He's not shy about what he wants, is he?  A compliant buxom lady who is a total pleaser.  Man, don't we all want that?!

Submissive domesticated, affectionate, attentive, obedient, DWM, 49, smoker, low income, permanently relocatable for loving, protective, strict, decisive, rule setting disciplinarian, sensually uninhibited, caring, controlling wife.   -What this means is this guy works at a tire store and still lives with his mother. He is looking for a dominatrix of a woman who will tie him up while prancing around in a leather or vinyl outfit.  He is wanting her to stomp and grind his nuts as hard as she can under her high heel shoes while beating his pale white ass with a leather riding crop.  He then wants her to shove the riding crop up his blue collar uneducated ass until he screams "I love you, Master!  You are so wonderful to me!".  That is, if anything intelligent gets past that red plastic gimp ball he's going to be wearing under the zipper equipped leather mask he's going to be wearing.  He's tired of surfing the internet one handed and wants the real thing.   That's my guess, but I could be wrong.

Black Christian man seeking Black Christian woman. Must be a Black skinny woman only, marriage minded. Hope to hear from you soon.  -Pretty direct to the point, isn't he?

Correctional institute inmate, 40, auburn hair, blue eyes, quirky, DWM, not from Utah.   Desires sincere correspondence.  What do you desire?  All letters answered.  -What does "not from Utah" have to do with anything?  Is he wanted there too?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe5.jpg (4714 bytes)                                                         wpe7.jpg (8206 bytes)

Every time I see a "Buddy Lee" commercial, it reminds me of the ventriloquist dummy in that Anthony Hopkins movie "Magic".  The way that Buddy Lee's little painted-on eyes follow you no matter where you go is just disturbing.  I think the damn thing is possessed...

Here's a pay per view fight I'd like to see; Buddy Lee vs. that stupid garden gnome that Toyota uses in their truck commercials.

My money's on the garden gnome...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Well, the victim this time for the "Change one word, change the whole song" game is "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang.  We change the word "celebration" to "masturbation".  I dare someone to go karaoke with this one in public!  And the lyrics were great, this was so easy to put together...

"Masturbation" by Kool and the Gang
(sung to the tune of "Celebration")

Yahoo! This is your masturbation
Yahoo! This is your masturbation

Masturbate good times, come on! (Let's masturbate)
Masturbate good times, come on! (Let's masturbate)

There's a party goin' on right here
A masturbation to last throughout the years
So bring your good times, and your laughter too
We gonna masturbate your party with you

Come on now

Masturbation Let's all masturbate and have a good time
Masturbation We gonna masturbate and have a good time

It's time to come together
It's up to you, what's your pleasure

Everyone around the world
Come on!

Yahoo! It's a masturbation
Yahoo! Masturbate good times, come on!

It's a masturbation
Masturbate good times, come on!
Let's masturbate
We're gonna have a good time tonight
Let's masturbate, it's all right
We're gonna have a good time tonight
Let's masturbate, it's all right Baby...

We're gonna have a good time tonight (Ma-st-ur-ba-tion)
Let's masturbate, it's all right
We're gonna have a good time tonight (Ma-st-ur-ba-tion)
Let's masturbate, it's all right

Yahoo!
Yahoo!
Masturbate good times, come on! (Let's masturbate)
Masturbate good times, come on!
It's a masturbation!
Masturbate good times, come on! (Let's masturbate)
(ad lib)
Come on and masturbate, good times, tonight (Masturbate good times, come
on!)
'Cause everything's gonna be all right
Let's masturbate (Masturbate good times, come on)
(Let's masturbate)...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Do clergy have to worry about getting apostate cancer?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

If you mixed pasta and anti-pasta, would you get a huge explosion?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I sent an email to my friend who lives in Tennessee.  He always talks about living near a targeted area.  I had to jibe him a little about the bus incident.  Here is my email...

Heard about your 'terrorist' on the Greyhound this morning. Been following it as it progressed. Let's recap what I know:

Bus leaves terminal.

A foreign guy asks the driver where the bus is going (first warning sign here, folks).

Foreign guy paces up and down bus, acting nervous. Asks to trade seats with a woman. She refuses.

Rebuked, foreign man goes to driver, slits his throat with a box cutter, grabs wheel, and crashes bus, killing himself and several others.

Driver, a veteran Greyhound bus employee for many years, grabs his slit throat, crawls out of the wreckage, and goes for help.

Driver is later treated in surgery for his neck wound and released. His greatest concern was for the safety of his passengers. This guy has balls
so big, I wonder how he walks!

Foreign guy is found dead, has Croatian identification.

If this bus driver doesn't get "Greyhound Employee of the Year" award, nobody deserves it.

And I think I know why the Croatian guy did it.

He was trying to impress Jodi Foster...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpeA.jpg (28458 bytes)

Sharon declares "The violence in the Mideast is the freshest you can find.  Accept no substitutes..."

All violence is made fresh from scratch, daily.  Just like mom used to do.

... From CNN.com, who always has a way with words it seems.
"Fresh"?  I think "recent" would have been a better adjective.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe7.jpg (11971 bytes)

A unidentified fellow senator helps to hold Strom Thurmond's head at an upright position during an extended senate meeting.

 

wpe9.jpg (4633 bytes)

Found this on CNN.com the other day and laughed.  Strom Thurmond is 98 years old!  Even though it is October and Halloween is just around the corner, I really don't think the other senators should be popping out in turbans and going "Boo, American infidel!" to old Thurmond.  The man's heart just can't take it...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

"This won't hurt a bit..."  Right.

Wow!  An electric Stethoscope!!   What a brilliant idea!

Think about it...  Bzzzzzzzap!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

killbinladen2.jpg (31163 bytes)

Kill Bin Laden (My Lord)
________________
(sung to the tune of "Kum Ba Yah")

Kill Bin Laden, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Kill Bin Laden, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Kill Bin Laden, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Oh Lord, Kill Bin Laden.

Someone's crying, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Someone's crying, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Someone's crying, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Oh Lord, Kill Bin Laden.

Someone's singing, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Someone's singing, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Someone's singing, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Oh Lord, Kill Bin Laden.

Someone's praying, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Someone's praying, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Someone's praying, my Lord, Kill Bin Laden.
Oh Lord, Kill Bin Laden.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Saw a couple of vehicles today that made me laugh...

A white and gold trimmed Lexus, with the little 'doughnut tire' spare on the front passenger side.  Obviously, this couldn't be good enough for a Lexus to be seen with this black rubber and black rim, so the owners got a can of gold Krylon spraypaint and painted, yes, painted the doughnut spare rim gold.   Too bad they got a lot of overspray on the tire itself, and that it looked like crap, but I guess if you drive a Lexus, you can't be seen with anything other than the best on your car... and that means a Krylon gold colored spray painted spare rim.

Saw a Cadillac today on the side of the road, pulled over in a parking lot.  It had the doughnut spare tire on the driver's front wheel.  The spare was flat.  I laughed.  What part of "temporary spare" do these people not understand.  And don't get me started on the people who actually pass me at 70mph on the highway with one of these doughnut spares on their front or rear wheels...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I know this woman, she's not particularly good looking, but she married a Marine.  When we saw her kissing on her husband the other day, well, it wasn't a pretty sight.

"What do you suppose he sees in her?" Gimp asked.

"She probably gives good jarhead..." I replied.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I saw a white mid '80's Chevrolet Euro (Lumina) 3.1 the other day.  It had a large "FLOWMASTER" muffler bumper sticker on the rear.

I just had to ask myself "Why?!"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Going to work the other morning, I saw something that can only be described as ridiculous.  Picture a riced out Honda, jacked up in the rear with large racing wheels like some POS Camaro.  Folks, it's front wheel drive!  You don't need traction to wheels that are not linked to the transmission!  But the owner probably thought it made the Civic look tough, and that's what really counts...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

These phone sex companies are getting tricky!

"Looks like you've got five and a half, maybe six inches there, mister... 
I doubt you're going to have a clearance problem."

_____________________________________________________________________________________


I heard another Dale Earnhardt POS advertisement the other day on the radio.  Some company was offering a commemorative silver dollar, etched with Dale Earnhardt images such as him, his car, etc.  This silver dollar (worth one dollar in legal tender) was also colorized which, I guess, made it more special.  This commemorative Dale Earnhardt silver dollar (worth one dollar in legal US tender) also came with a commemorative collector box and an certificate of authenticity.  Do you want one?  You can have one for the low, low price of just $29.99.  That's right!  You're paying someone else $30 and getting $1 in return.

NASCAR fans are such ignorant sheep.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The Pen is mightier than the Sword.

The Penis mightier than the Sword.

________________

Funny how one little space changes the whole meaning of the sentence...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Well, patriotism and Christianity are back in the limelight.  Suddenly, it is popular to be both patriotic and a Christian.   Even profitable, especially when you see the number of patriots out there getting rich quick off of selling American flags and American pride T-shirts, bumper stickers, etc.  If you mix an American flag with a prayer, you really open up the market.   I'm just getting a little sick of all of this patriotism and new found tolerance of God.  It's not that I'm not patriotic and not a Christian, I was patriotic and Christian back when those two things weren't cool.  Now it's cool to be one or both.   People are lemmings.  Only in America can we turn a tragedy into an overnight success story.  I get ill when I see these people wearing American Pride T-shirts or telling me about how we need to get God back into this country.  I just look at them and ask them one simple question:

"Where were you a year ago?"

That shuts up nine out of ten of these would be lemming posers.

A year ago, if you wore an American flag T-shirt or mentioned Christianity, people would have ridiculed you.  Now its different.  For the lemmings it is.  For me, it's never changed.  I'll still be an American and a patriot when all the lemmings have switched over to the next trend to come along.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I saw a TV commercial the other day for Match.com.  It showed a lonely woman reading a book, and the commercial made out that if you had time to spare, you could find a date on the Internet using a new service called Match.com.  The commercial then pans to the website, finds a webpage with three males on it (who apparently are available in the area this woman is looking in) and we pan in on one of the males.  As we do so, the picture comes alive in some short video and the potential candidate looks directly at the viewer and does this stupid wink.  The commercial then closes with the website URL and their look up information.

Right after this commercial ended, an identical commercial for the same company appeared.  It showed a man this time, at home, alone, and the commercial went into the same tag line as the previous commercial.  When the guy surfs the net, I guess the company was too cheap to buy any additional footage, so they just replay the same footage of the same three guys, we zoom in on one of the guys (same guy as the last commercial) and he, again, winks at us in a short video clip.

I'm thinking, what?!  Did we just see an advertisement for a homosexual encounter?  What was the purpose of showing a guy alone at home, getting on the internet at Match.com, and then looking up pictures of other guys and one of them winks at him?  Maybe I'm getting the wrong message, but I think that the producers of that commercial needed to be a bit more careful with their shared footage and what they reused from one commercial to another...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'm not a big sports fan, it is more fun to pick on athletes than support them, so the only reason I ever have to flip through the sports section of a newspaper is to get to the classifieds or the comics or to find material for Dark Thoughts.  On my way to the comics the other day, I saw an article on a football camp being held for boys and girls.  I realized that you could have a lot of fun by rearranging the letters in the four words:   "Punt, pass, and kick"

See how many words you can come up with...  You have 60 seconds.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why doesn't an italicized period look any different?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I like the philosophy behind the old Simon and Garfunkel song "El Condor Pasa", they say "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail."  I like to take this philosophy one step further and follow brother Peter Gabriel's line of reasoning in his song "Sledgehammer"

I'd rather be a sledgehammer, than a regular old hammer.  Yes I would...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

On Led Zeppelin's "LED ZEPPELIN 2" album, we have a song called "Whole Lotta Love".  One of the lyrics of this song is

"Shake it for me, girl.  I wanna be your backdoor man."

On Blackfoot's album "Vertical Smiles", which I have on vinyl, thank you very much,  the album cover shows shots of womens crotches and their legs closed together.  Nothing else, just crotch shots of women.  Vertical smiles... get it?

Then ZZTop sings in their song "Pearl Necklace"

And I was gettin' blown away
And she held it in her hand
And this is what she had to say
A pearl necklace
She wanna pearl necklace
She wanna pearl necklace.

It kills me that all of this stuff gets played on the radio!  I love it...  The funniest thing was a girl I knew was drinking and singing "Pearl Necklace" and she looked at three of us and told us that she really wanted a pearl necklace one day.  When I told her to come closer and whispered in her ear what a "pearl necklace" was, she spit beer all over the table and turned six shades of red.  She didn't sing that song in public anymore.

Hey, I'm just here to help, folks.  If you don't understand any of the meanings of these lyrics, go ask your mother.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe8.jpg (6728 bytes)

When your browser is just a little smarter than it damn well needs to be... (Altavista.com)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why is it called "Urine" when it only comes out of your body?  Shouldn't it have been called "Uroute"?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

In George Carlin's book "Brain Droppings", 1997, Comedy Concepts, Inc., I found two very interesting insights from this comedian.   The first, found on page 197, states:

"After the year 2000, I hope the crime of the century happens real soon, so I get to read about it."

And on page 216, Carlin goes on to say:

"After every horror, we're told, "Now the healing can begin."  No.  There is no healing.   Just a short pause before the next horror."

Strange.  Especially when I read the above passages just over a week after the 9/11/01 terrorist attack.

_____________________________________________________________________________________


Who makes chairs for standing committees, and wouldn't these people get more work done if they were more relaxed and sat down every now and then?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I was out in the warehouse the other day, and saw something that profoundly disturbed me.  It was a case of recycled toilet paper.  On the side of the case, in bold writing, it said "Made from 100% post consumer recycled material".   Now, what that means, is that someone has already wiped their ass with that paper.  Think about it.  That's just nasty.  We are taking this recycling philosophy way too far when we start recycling used toilet paper...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

An ancient Chinese school of thought asks "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"

Masturbation is my guess.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ever think that someone, somewhere is producing Braille pornography?  I think Braille pornography would be funny.  I mean, how would you tell the nipples from like words or letters?  "I don't know, all of these women have like the letter "C" on their breasts, right there, at the end, its strange..."

Don't you think that a 'how-to' sex manual for blind people would be an interesting addition to your coffee table.  Especially if some Mormons come over and insist that they come into your house to discuss their religion.  While they are talking, you could just open up the 'how-to' manual and start reading with your hands.   Of course, you'd probably be reading one handed after a while, and that would not only cut your reading speed by half, but probably your comprehension as well ...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

My friend recently described a couple of tacky catalogs which he receives via mail, his documentation and opinion of the Harriet Carter catalog coming to mind quite readily.  I think I have one-upped him.  Off and on, for a few years now, I seem to have been placed on the mailing list for a company called "Dr. Leonard's" (http://www.drleonards.com).   One would assume, by the auspicious title, that this catalog sells medical and home health products, at a discount, to the individual.  You would assume correctly.   Dr. Leonard's  is a catalog geared towards the feeble, the invalid, and the just plain elderly.  It also has some surprising items for sale... as I will now show you.

If you have children, you might send them away before you have to explain some difficult concepts to them, or they point to the screen and go "Mommy has one of THOSE under her bed!"

"It's my bag, baby!"

THIS thing just looks scary.  It is available in either electric of manual models.  I don't know about you, but the thought of "my penis meets electricity" just does not do wonders for me...  I laughed when I saw the price.  And check out the claim that this device was "previously available only by prescription."  Yeah, right.  They've been in the back of Hustler for like 30 years now.  Even Austin Powers had one...  The five horsepower brushless electric motor powered version is guaranteed to work the first time you turn it on or the company will find your penis and sew it back on.

"Uh... I don't think you USE it like THAT, babe..."

"Uh... I don't think you use it like that, babe."   Maybe these things should come with instructions.  The thought of a 80 year old woman ordering the 12" Massager just kind of whigs me out...  Multi-speed models.  RF shielded so that they don't put lines in your TV screen.

wpe7.jpg (31693 bytes)

My GOD!  Aren't THESE things outlawed by the Geneva Convention?  Two deluxe interchangeable attachments that have 4 different heads to produce a variety of sensations.  Adjusts to 3 intensity levels (stun, kill, and disintegrate? -BE)- up to 3600 oscillations per minute!  Deeeeaaaammmm!  Makes a French Tickler look passť'.   "Recommended by Dr. Ruth Westheimer"  Right.  When was the last time that Dr. Ruth got laid?  That old bat hasn't knocked uglies since the Wright Brothers were in diapers...

wpe8.jpg (26621 bytes)

Look!  The new Sony Pissman!  God, I hope I never have to use or wear something like this.  Let me put it in simple terms:  You stick your penis in a sheath, you piss into a bag on your leg.  You walk around sounding like you are wearing water filled golashes.  I mean, how do you drain this, it looks like it has a drain tube on the bag, do you walk around someone's garden or the city park slowly and quietly, every now and then reaching down to squeeze the inside of your thigh or making sure that you aren't dribbling on your Poindexters?  I guess this is kind of the karmic opposite of one of those "camel-back" fluid dispensers...

wpe9.jpg (28139 bytes)

Oh, yeah.  THAT looks comfortable...

wpeA.jpg (20935 bytes)

I just don't have a comment for this item...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

When blind people run their hand across a stucco wall do they think they are reading bad graffiti?

_____________________________________________________________________________________



wpe3.jpg (15039 bytes)         wpe4.jpg (10222 bytes)

With apologies to the game ZERO WING(tm)... but it had to be done and I did it first!

_____________________________________________________________________________________


I've always thought of a neck tie as a really short leash.  I don't like wearing one.
To easy to grab someone and control their supply of oxygen.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Afghanistan?  My mom had an afghan once, but it never did anything bad.  It just kind of laid there on the bed like a good blanket should.  Do Afghans come from Afghanistan?  That would be weird...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why do condemned prisoners get a last meal?  I think we would save a lot of money if we didn't feed them.  I mean, what a waste.  We have starving people in America, yet we're going to give this guy anything he wants before we barbecue him in a few hours.  Unbelievable.  What a waste of perfectly good food.  And what if the meal isn't any good?  Is the cook really going to take some condemned prisoner's comments on the 'how did we do' card seriously?  I doubt it...  How about a program where a condemned prisoner's last meal is donated to charity or they bring in a needy homeless person and feed them before the execution.   America is a funny place.  We give people all they want to eat, anything they want, and then kill them, but we can't feed the people begging on the street.  Sad.

_____________________________________________________________________________________


I see where in Afghanistan, the Taliban rulers have set up a government agency called, and I kid you not, "The Ministry for Ordering What is Right and Forbidding What is Wrong."  This organization has forced all men to grow full beards, all women to cover themselves from head to toe, all theaters were closed, all music banned, girls schools were closed, and women were forbidden to work in any capacity outside the home.  If you didn't think that was fucked up enough, Afghanistan is a little smaller than the state of Texas.  It is one of the world's least developed countries and has one of the highest infant mortality rates.  In some areas, as many as half of the infants die before they are a year old due to lack of medical facilities.   Afghanistan has an estimated population of 26.7 million people which is made up of over 20 different ethnic groups, each of which speaks an entirely different language.  National unity is a logistical and political impossibility.  And they call us 'evil'.  These people are living one step higher than Fred Flintstone.

They're not mad at America, they're jealous!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Hackers are already busting up the websites that recruit terrorists.  My thought is, why can't these guys hack his account.  He wouldn't be very popular if he was as poor as those around him.  Maybe cybercrime has its advantages.  Let's do a modern day Robin Hood, let's let hackers steal all of Bin Laden's money, and give it to the victim's families!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Left Behind- I just started reading this Christian fiction novel and the series it relates to.  It is kind of scary, taking a modern twist on the Book of Revelation, but a good, quick read, and like it was claimed to be, it is the "John Grisham" of the Bible.  VERY interesting stuff.

I think that if any one thing in the world would cause you to abandon your evil ways and turn to God, it would be the Rapture.  If you woke up one morning, and millions of people had vanished overnight, you'd become an instant believer.  But, if all of these people came back like the next day and it was all like just a big, highly coordinated international game of hide and seek, then I think you'd be more than justified in being righteously pissed off for being left out of the loop and scared like that.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Saw an notice on the bulletin board at the ER.  It read:

"WIN A DAY OF FREE MAMMOGRAMS"

... and my thought was, geez!  How many mammograms can one person get in a day?  What, is this like a 15 minute shopping spree, only it lasts all day and it deals with people touching your breasts?  I think if you really enjoy people poking and groping and prodding your breasts, that you shouldn't be waiting around to win a contest like this, you should be looking for a serious boyfriend instead.   One who works on a dairy farm, has large hands and a strange fixation for udders would be my suggestion.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

What bothers me about Osama Bin Laden is that we have all of this technology available to us.  We have satellites, nuclear bombs, computers, etc. and we can't invent a simple terrorist seeking weapon which would seek out and destroy a dangerous terrorist preemptively?

Oh, wait!

We had a weapon like that at one time!  It was called the "assassin" and it was very cheap and highly efficient tool, time honored and tested since politics first became trendy.  However, some liberal minded do-goody buffoon-like nimrod with a guilty conscious, Gerald Ford, IIRC, signed into law that the United States could not use assassination against dangerous people in the world.  It was ruled unconstitutional and unfair.  Oh, big powerful country going out and picking on little dangerous people intent on doing that country harm.

My thought is this:  Just think, for the price of a bullet in the brain pan, say $0.35 cents, ten years ago, and we wouldn't have the tragedy and terror that we have today.

That's right!  If America had spent thirty-five cents, or as Sally Struthers is fond of saying, less than the price for a cup of coffee for one day, on this bullet, and put it somewhere inside Osama Bin Laden's skull at the point where it would do the most damage (i.e. death), then none of Tuesday, September 11, 2001 would have happened.  Ever.  Thirty-five cents is pocket change, far less than the billions of dollars it is going to take to repair and rebuild what we have lost, and you can't put a monetary value on the horror and tragedy.  Sorry, you just can't.

Thirty-five cents for a good quality 9mm bullet.  Thirty-five cents!  That is one quarter and one dime!  I have that in my pocket right now.   I'm sure you do as well, or you can walk across the parking lot and find it either on the asphalt, or in your vehicle, or between the seat cushions in your vehicle or sofa.   I think that if you could ask any of the victims of those terrorist hijacked planes, or the people who perished in the World Trade Center collapse if they would be willing to give you thirty-five cents in order to see their families and loved ones again.  Even if you told them that another human being, namely Osama Bin Laden, would have to die, in order that they live, I double dog dare you to find ONE of those 5400 plus people who wouldn't slam their hands into their pockets so fast that their clothing would catch fire from friction and pull out all the change they had.   I dare you to find someone to tell you "Well, you mean I have to die or this Bin Laden guy has to die?  Geez.  I'd feel real bad about that.  I mean, I have my wife and kids, but I don't want to hurt another human being.  Go ahead and kill me.  I won't be part of the hurt that this Bin Laden's family has to go through when America kills one of their 52 children..."

I'm sure, that given even a worst case scenario of most of the flight crew and passengers being retarded guilt ridden brain dead liberals, that all 5400 victims would easily be able to take up a donation among their selves and come up with at least thirty-five cents, even if they had to search between the cushions of the air planes and the ash trays.

America is soft and fat.  That is why terrorists attack us.  We are the fat kid on the playground now.

I don't like it when my government thinks it is wrong to send people to other countries to kill dangerous people, yet allows dangerous people from other countries to come over here and kill innocent people.  I mean, what were they thinking?  Bring back the famous CIA funded and trained assassins!  We need them now more than ever.  A B1 bomber is great against a military target, but how do you drop 12,000 pounds of bombs on a terrorist who can hide in a crowd of 50,000 people as easily as he can hide in a cave in the desert.  This new war is going to have to take new kinds of weapons, living weapons, anti-terrorists, with a conscious that allows them to kill bad and evil people and not lose any sleep over it.

America had a weapon at one time that would have taken care of this problem long before it ever became a problem, but that wasn't considered 'right', because, according to our Constitution, terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden still requires a fair trial before we can do anything with him...  I find a lot wrong with that.   Imagine if we capture him, and he gets a good lawyer or set of lawyers, like the Dream Team.  You KNOW that money worshipping lawyers are going to flock at the chance of defending this guy and milking him for his money!  That's what America stands for now, money!  You KNOW Bin Laden has the money to do it, hell, OJ Simpson proved that money can buy justice.  So, Bin Laden gets the Dream Team, and he gets ...

Life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Guess what?  Our tax dollars are going to keep him alive, so he can plan his next attack through our criminal justice system and his contacts which he will make there, and he'll live far better than he was in that cave in the desert out in Afghanistan.  He'll get three meals a day, shelter, climate control, exercise, books to read, letters to write, computer and internet, television, you name it.   He'll be living like a king compared to the typical Afghani citizen.

It could happen.  America is just that screwed up by the guilty conscious afflicted liberals for it to happen.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

NASCAR: SLOW minds and FAST cars.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

NASCAR: The original litmus paper test for ignorance.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Well, down here in Mississippi, we are known for having some of the hottest weather possible on the planet, especially during the summer months.  One day was a scorcher, pack that in with a high humidity index and you have the makings for a real crappy day while the sun is hanging in the sky above you.   Gimp and I walked outside the other day right into what can only be accurately described as a blast furnace like environment.  It was hot enough to take our breath away, especially coming right out of a nicely air conditioned office and walking onto a asphalt parking lot.  Gimp and I hurried across the shimmering waves that were rising from the black asphalt of the parking lot as we made our way to my Blazer for our daily lunch / culinary adventure.

"Yeow!" Gimp said. "How hot do you think it is out here?"

"Hotter than molten gorilla shit." I replied, putting my Ray Bans on.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

A friend told me that if you view Dark Thoughts using Microsoft Internet Explorer 6.0, that parts of the text which I have typed are automagically URL'ed.  I said he was on crack, especially since these ghosted URLs were showing up where I had put no URLs to begin with.  However, when he showed me this exact effect, I freaked.  Below in my commentary about CNN, those are just snapshots from the CNN website and from Reuters which I took.  The links shown do not work since they are just JPG format pictures.   Well, on HIS computer, in MSIE 6.0, where I mention the word "victims" and "Bloody Tuesday" (my own term, which I much prefer to "the second Pearl Harbor" because it gives this moment in history much more justice), well, the word 'victim' was highlighted or ghosted.   When my friend moved the cursor over the word 'victim', a mini window popped up with all sorts of URLs in it to go to NYC victim aid websites, how to donate to the Red Cross, etc.

It was damn freaky, that something like that would infer and transpose meaning to words that I typed here automagically.  The world is definitely creepy sometimes, and technology only makes it more so.  I'm scared to look at my site now for fear that when I use the word "gay" what MSIE 6.0 might bring up or try to link to ...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Three things that I think would be funny if you tried to overdose on:

Laxatives, suppositories, and nicotine patches.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

nascarsmall.jpg (7549 bytes)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I think George Carlin best summed up my views on professional sports in his excellent book; "BRAIN DROPPINGS".   I'd like to quote him here because, like I said, I just can't say it any better.

"You know the best thing I did for myself during the past five years?  I told sports to go take a flying fuck.  I was fed up with the way I related to professional sports, so I reordered the relationship on my own terms. I became a little more selective.  I couldn't believe how much time I had wasted watching any old piece of shit ballgame that happened to show up on TV.  I must have thought there was some inborn male obligation to tune in and root every time a bunch of sweaty assholes got together to mix it up in a stadium somewhere." -George Carlin

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Suddenly, and I do mean SUDDENLY, prayer has become trendy.   Who would have figured that prayer could be a GOOD thing?  I mean, all the liberals wanted prayer out of the school.  Maybe now we will have a special law where it okay to have prayer in important government buildings (such as the building in Oklahoma and the Pentagon) as well as public buildings which exceed 20 stories in height.  I can see a building contractor clause now:  "Your building must be this tall in order to hold prayer."

I think we need to stick a little trademark symbol behind prayer and capitalize it for it to truly catch on.  That way, you might not feel guilty about doing it in public.  If someone questioned why you had your head bowed in a restaurant before you ate, you could say something like

"I was saying a Prayer(tm)."

And that would make it a lot better because America is a commercial driven society and if people thought that you subscribed to a prayer or bought it in a trendy boutique in the mall, then it would be easier to accept than if you somehow had an antiquated notion of talking to your Creator on a personal, one on one, private level to give thanks for what He has given you in your life.  It really strikes me as amazing how all of our leaders can call our nation to prayer, yet they are the ones who made it illegal to pray in school or public in the first place.  I think we need a little Prayer(tm) dispenser in buildings and schools, like right next to the Fire Alarm.   It could say

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

BREAK GLASS

GRAB PRAYER(tm)

KNEEL

USE PRAYER(tm)

REPEAT UNTIL DISASTER HAS PASSED

I personally like prayer (not Prayer(tm)), and I use it quite often.  I think if people were strong enough in their faith to pray more openly, and to pray more often, that this country might not be the cess pit that it is.   I pray in public, I pray before I eat at McDonald's, Wendy's, and God yes, certainly before I eat at Taco Bell.  I'm not ashamed of my faith or to be seen praying.  I've had many people thank me for praying, saying that they would start praying too in public.  All it takes is one person to stand up and make a difference.   I try to do that.  I don't force my religion down anyone's throats, I just lead by example.

I think a moment or two of silent reflection before a meal, provided by the gifts and skills which God has so richly given to me in my life, is called for.  Prayer gets me out of (and has gotten me out of ) a lot of unwanted or unnecessary shit (especially lately).   In fact, I'm on a first name basis with God, and have been for a long, long time.

Like the Doobie Brothers once sang, "Jesus is just all right with me."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I've always wanted to be in a heavy metal band.   I had a great name for my heavy metal band: Strawberry Blonde Jam.

You can imagine the album cover; two leather clad muscular biker type dudes with long hair, sandwiching some beautiful buxom strawberry blonde between them, face all contorted in obvious pleasure while the two guys have their faces in stern scowls staring at the album buyer.

Well, at I thought it at least sounded a lot better than the first band name I came up with.  I mean, would you really buy an album by a group called "The Fuck Me Sillies"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'd really like to believe that my last experience at the dentist had more to do with hearing the old Lionel Richie song "Dancing on the Ceiling" playing in the background rather than the slightly rich mixture of nitrous oxide which the dentist accidentally applied.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I don't know about you, but I'm really tired of seeing all of these "TEAM" shirts.  You know, EVERYTHING in life and business now has a TEAM name associated with it.  You see these corporate and business team shirts everywhere.   Well, here are a few you might not ever see, but it sure would be funny if you did:

Team Eclectic Team Defecation Team Retard Team Disobedience Team Crack Team Gay Team Masturbation
Team G-Spot Team B. O. Team Lackluster Team Indifferent Team Honky Team Heathen Team Lost
Team Rehab Team Bed Wetter Team Bin Laden Team Sanitation Team Loser Team Urination Team Blowjob
Team Kevorkian Team Deep Throat Team Bend Over Team Obtuse Team Constipation Team DUI Team Domestic Abuse
Team Whiner Team Doggy Style Team Cancer Team Duh Team Exlax Team PMS Team Team

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ever think what the music world would have been like if Percy Sledge had been gay?  We would have had something like this:

When a Man loves a Man

When a man loves a man,
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else,
He'd change the world for the good thing he's found.
If he is bad, he can't see it,
He can do no wrong,
Turn his back on his best friend if he put him down.
When a man loves a man,
He'll spend his very last dime
Tryin' to hold on to what he needs.
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain,
If he said that's the way
It ought to be.
Well, this man loves you, man.
I gave you everything I have,
Tryin' to hold on to your hot blood long.
Baby, please don't treat me bad.
When a man loves a man,
Down deep in his soul,
He can bring him such misery.
If He is playin' him for a fool,
He's the last one to know.
Lovin' eyes can never see.
When a man loves a man
he can do him no wrong,
he can never hug
some other guy.
Yes, when a man loves a man
I know exactly how he feels,
'Cause baby, baby, you're ...
When a man loves a man....

Yeah.  Pretty damn scary!  Good thing old Percy was into women, huh?  I certainly think so.  And don't get me started on the Righteous Brothers...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I still occasionally feel the urge to laugh when my preacher makes the statement :

"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord."

And I think to myself, doesn't everyone come in the name of the Lord?

._____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe3.jpg (7208 bytes)

Saw this on CNN.com today and I had to laugh.  I mean, think about it... how are they going to collect on the student loans from any of those 5400 people still missing?  I can think of better ways that the government can help the victims of Bloody Tuesday than by offering them breaks on their student loans.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe5.jpg (4224 bytes)

Wow!  This article intrigued me, which goes to show you how you really have to be careful how you word your documents.  When I read this news story on Reuters, I thought that there was a website out there soliciting money from private parties to buy hardware to go and kick Osama's ass, like people were giving money to buy bullets and bombs for the US armed forces..., kind of a grass roots militia movement.

However, when I clicked on it and followed the URL, I found that it is a website that is asking for aid for the victims of the attack, not asking for aid for an attack on Osama.  Tricky.  I was about to feel some real patriotism that my fellow Americans had donated $58 million of their own money to finance a counter-attack.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe4.jpg (10240 bytes)

Saw this on CNN.com as well and just had to sigh and shake my head.  "Operation: Infinite Justice"?  Come ON!  Give me a break.   I thought "Operation: Desert Shield" was a cool name, and when they turned it into "Operation: Desert Storm", that was pretty damn smurfy.

But "Operation: Infinite Justice"?

That just sounds lame... like the title of the kind of movie you would expect to see on USA UP ALL NIGHT or something starring G. Gordon Liddy as the bad guy.  I kind of expected that this "operation" would have a name that no one would ever forget... like "Operation: Freedom Hammer" or "Operation: Righteous Justice" but "Operation: Infinite Justice"?  

That makes this whole thing sound like a really bad Rutger Hauer movie...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

"Beware the lollipop of mediocrity; lick it once and you will suck forever..." - anonymous

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I guy I work with is always touching himself and scratching his crotch.  It is kind of embarrassing because the guy is in his 50's.    I think he does it unconsciously and everyone else is just too embarrassed to tell him about it.   Well, I showed up at work one morning and he was waiting outside my office door.  The only time he comes around to my office is when he has a computer problem.  As I approached my office, he arranged his shirt and pants and scratched his groin saying:

"Christopher, I need you to look at something for me.  It's giving me all kind of problems..."

I knew he was talking about his computer, but I couldn't pass up an opportunity to have some fun.  I looked at him as he was scratching himself and said with a perfectly straight face:

"Man, I can't help you with that!   You need to go see a doctor or something."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

An ancient Arab proverb says that "God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we should listen twice as much as we speak."

Sound advice.  However, I also think that God gave us two legs and one ass so that we should travel twice as much as we sit.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Heard a radio commercial today for a local car dealership, the guy was telling the listener to come out and see all of the bargains on the lot.   He ended his commercial with:

"If you can't come, give us a call!  We'll be glad to help you out!"

What, was he trying to sell cars or was he trying to invite me to engage in phone sex?  I don't know about you, but the thought of having a used car salesman breathe hot and heavy to me over the phone really doesn't get the juices flowing, you know...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Good sex is where your partner moans out the name of God or your name.
Great sex is where your partner screams out your name and God's name.

But...

Really Great sex is where your partner screams out your name and God's name
but your name comes before God's name.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Here is a hand-made sign seen on the employee entrance door at a local Checkers burger drive-thru:

WARNING: Now entering the SUCCESS ZONE.

All bad attitudes, personal problems, depression,
sleepiness, and whining must be left outside this door. 

Only positive energy allowed past this point.

You just have to wonder what liberal arts major managed to think this motivational garbage up.  The sad thing was, everyone inside the restaurant was moping around like zombies, no one was friendly, and the sign was done on a word processor, printed out on typing paper, and taped badly to the little glass window set into the top of the door.  I don't know about you, but whenever anyone has ever posted crap like this in the work place, my first thought wasn't increased productivity.  It was "Boy, I never fully understood just how much of a complete mental retard my manager really is."

If you want to motivate me, money does the trick better than trying to turn my work place into the "Success Zone".  Makes my job sound like a bad porno film...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I remember a few years ago when the "Your Momma" jokes were so prevalent.  Some of the "Your Momma" jokes began with "Your Momma is so fat ..."  I added another one today.

"Your momma is so fat ... Terrorists tried to crash a plane into her Tuesday !"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

If I see one more piece of crap 80's Camaro with a brand new Dale Earnhardt sticker on it I'm going to puke !

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I asked for a box of 3.5" diskettes at work.  We buy the cheapest crap possible, so these disks were generic, made by a company called "ATHANA", plain white box, black letters on the front displaying the company name, and nothing else.  I looked at the box and asked the supply clerk how you pronounced the name of the company.

She looked at the box and said "Ath-ah-nah".

I frowned, looked at the box, and said: "Athana, huh?   I know someone who has athana.  He has to use this little puffer when he gets an athana attack just so he can breathe right..."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I saw another funny sign today at McDonald's.   It read:

MCDONALD'S PLAYGROUND
NO SMOKING PLEASE

And I thought, what, with a sign out there that says you can't be over four feet tall in order to play on the McDonald's playground, I really doubt that any of those small children were going to be out there smoking cigarettes.  Maybe they need a sign that says "Please do not take all of the different colored balls out of the ball jump and throw them over the fence out into the parking lot so that cars can run over them."  I think they need one of those signs more than a sign telling children not to smoke them if they have them.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Have you ever noticed that every single time we have some great big disaster, that the first thing that our leaders do is ask us to join together in prayer?  Yet, it is these same leaders who have made it illegal to pray in school, or say a prayer over an intercom before a football game, or even teach anything about the Bible in a public school.  I think that the ACLU should investigate this National Day of Prayer for the victims and families of the tragedy in New York and Washington.  I think that it clearly is a breach of the separation of Church and State that we have had forced down our throats for the last 50 years by the card carrying ACLU and other heretics.  ACLU- Anti-Christian Liberals United.  It is a sad day indeed for this nation when the only time that we come together to pray is when something really bad happens.  Kind of makes you wonder just how sincere people like Daschel really are when they bow their heads...  You know, maybe if people prayed more often, maybe if the government didn't outlaw prayer, maybe if we really WERE still "One Nation, Under God, Indivisible, With Liberty And Justice For All", stuff like Tuesday, September 11, 2001 might not have happened.

National Day of Prayer?  That's a laugh.   You can pray, but don't do it in school or any other public building.  The ACLU won't tolerate it!  Maybe we need to investigate the ACLU for their part in making Tuesday's attack easier.  You can bet that the people on those four flights were praying to God!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I saw where JUNIOR (ineffectual) senator Hillary Rodham Clinton fully supports the Sky Marshal plan and hopes to see more Sky Marshals be installed on future flights.  The Sky Marshal plan is one whereby undercover U.S. Marshals fly on commercial flights in order to stop terrorists and other criminals from affecting these flights and endangering the lives of people on board.

Mrs. Clinton fully backs this already established plan, but like the Secret Service agents whom she makes pay rent in order just to stay at her and Mr. Clinton's new palatial home, I feel that, in order to fully fund this new plan, Mrs. Clinton will put a measure forward that will require that Sky Marshals on all future flights purchase their air travel tickets with their own money.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I saw a funny sign the other day.  It was in the mall at a small boutique jewelry store.  The sign read:

"Ears pierced while you wait."

Think about how dumb this statement is.  What are you going to do?  Leave your ears there and go on with your other shopping and pick them up later?  Of course your ears are pierced while you wait!   Duh!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I think it is a VERY good thing that when the FBI and authorities found the car belonging to the terrorists, that they found a manual written in Arabic on how to fly a large commercial jet and that they didn't find a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator and the New York City scenery disk.

If you think about it... since this terrible act happened, I'm sure everyone with Microsoft Flight Simulator and the Washington or New York Scenery Disks has loaded up the game and recreated this act on their own computers just for fun and to see what it was like to crash a jumbo jet into the World Trade Center.  I even heard that a network news organization did this very thing and showed their viewers the result...

It is a sick world... that we have the tools to recreate this type of act as a means of personal entertainment on our own computers and in such detail.  IF the terrorists had learned how to fly these big jets by using Microsoft Flight Simulator, then I think they would have done more damage to Microsoft than the US Government ever could have dreamed possible in their court cases against Microsoft...

Still waiting on MAXIS Software to release the SIM Terrorist(tm) game...  I mean, they have SIM everything else.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I think that after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack on New York and Washington, that Terry Nichols is going to have a damn difficult time getting a fair trial anywhere in the United States.  I just don't see any terrorist, whether domestic or foreign, getting much sympathy from any jury in the Free World...

wpe3.jpg (6048 bytes)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I just realized something the other day... do you know that a pack of cigarettes costs almost TWICE what a gallon of gas does now?   Not that I smoke or advocate it, but man, that is just re-damn-diculous when you think about it. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

wpe2.jpg (26183 bytes)

I saw this on a MSNBC link about the fatal shark attacks which occurred over the weekend.  What popped immediately into my dark mind is that these attacks seem, historically, to be limited to states that border a significant body of water such as the Gulf of Mexico, the Atlantic Ocean, and the Pacific Ocean.  You'll also notice that, according to the legend, the safest places, that is, the states with ZERO shark attacks EVER, seem to be confined to the states that are land locked geographically in such a way that they are not located near large bodies of water.  So, if you are planning your vacation to Utah or Kansas, or Montana, I think it is okay to leave the shark repellant and bang sticks at home when you are packing for your trip.   I mean, if you live in Oklahoma, your chance of getting attacked by a Great White shark is far less than say getting ass raped by a inbred three tooth hill scoggin at a two lane roadside rest stop.

And just what exactly is a 'Historical confirmed unprovoked shark attack'?  That seems kind of redundant...  I mean, is there any such thing as a 'historical confirmed PROVOKED shark attack'?  And what about all of those Historical UNCONFIRMED unprovoked shark attacks?  There must be a lot of those out there...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

In other news, the retards at PETA had another brain dead PR scheme that fell through.


SHARK DEFENSE DROPPED

Pensacola, FLA.

An animal rights group has dropped its attempt to put up a billboard in Pensacola reading:


"Would you give your right arm to know why sharks attack? Could it be revenge?  Go vegetarian."


The message from PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was a reference to the July 6 shark attack near Pensacola on 8-year old Jessie Arbogast, of Mississippi, whose arm was bitten off.  Surgeons reattached the limb.

One billboard company rejected the advertisement before PETA announced it was abandoning the effort Monday because of another shark attack, one that killed a 10-year old boy near the groups Norfolk, VA., headquarters.  A second fatal attack followed off North Carolina over the weekend.

"Right now people would just shoot the messenger without hearing the message," said PETA spokesman Dan Shannon.

-AP Wire story

****

Well, Dan, maybe that's because the people in your organization are a bunch of tree hugging liberal minded whackos who think that a cow has more right to life than a human being.  You people are all idiots.  I think anybody who chooses to eat plants over meat voluntarily out of some respect for the animal is a head case.   Hey, PETA!  I hardly think that the sharks are attacking humans because Aquaman is sending out telepathic signals to the sharks telling them that humans are evil and should be punished for eating the shark's fellow brother animals that exist solely on the land.  Revenge?  For what?   Humans eating meat?  Bwahahahahaha!  What a concept!  I could understand it maybe if it was like revenge for eating seafood, but do you REALLY think that the sharks are attacking people because they somehow realize that we like to eat cows or that we might use rabbits and guinea pigs for cosmetic testing?  Since when was the cow ever a natural food source for a shark?  Cows don't even exist in the same environment as the shark!   All of this just goes to prove that these people at PETA, besides being a bunch of do-goody idiots, have way too many liberal ideas and not enough plain old common sense.

"Vegetarian": ancient word meaning "bad hunter".

Got something for you PETA, thought I would share it with the rest of you as well.  I'm a member of PETA but my organization is a little different from yours, Mr. Shannon.

wpe3.jpg (22213 bytes)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I actually know people who think that the Mons Pubis is an extinct volcano on the planet Mars...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why is it called the "World Series" if it is only played by teams based in North America?  I don't get it...  Sure you have the Toronto BlueJays and the Montreal Expos, but when did China ever play in the WORLD series?  When did Russia or Great Britain or Africa or Australia or Chad or Ethiopia ever play in the WORLD series.  Why isn't it called the "North American Series"?  World Series indeed.  It might be 'national', or 'continental', but it is hardly a 'world' series ...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

And for that matter, think about the "Miss. Universe" pageant.  Right...  When I see the contestant from Andromeda or MX-435, then I'll think of it as the "Miss Universe" pageant.   I mean, who are they trying to fool...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The other night, one of the RNs was looking through one of these tacky gift catalogs at the nurses station.  He came upon some fiber optic angel for your Christmas tree and started proclaiming how he had to have it!   I told him that my family and I had once had an angel ornament, but it wasn't very popular around the house during the holidays.  When he asked why not, I squinted up my face and told him that was what the angel looked like.

"Why the hell did your angel look like THAT?!" the RN asked.

"You'd look like that too if you had a Christmas tree shoved up your ass." I replied.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone was tired the other night at the ER, and it was a slow period with no patients.  As we all sat around just shooting the breeze, the phone rang and the lab technician answered it without thinking of where she was.  Instead of giving the location code of Emergency Room and her name, she forgot where she was and instead said:

"Lab, Audra speaking."

My partner JW looked at her funny and started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Audra asked.

"What did you say when you picked up the phone?" JW asked.

"ER, Audra speaking." Audra replied.

"No." I corrected.  "You said 'Lab, Audra speaking.'"

She blushed when she realized her mistake and JW laughed at what he thought he had heard.

"Oh!" JW said.  "I thought she said 'Loud Water speaking' and I was going to ask her if that was her Indian name."

We all started laughing at that and everyone took a turn generating an Indian name for themselves.  When it came my turn, everyone looked at me and JW asked me what my Indian name would be.

"Broken Wind." I replied.

And they all fell out laughing.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I got bored the other night and challenged myself to a game of strip solitaire.  Naturally, I lost but I really can't remember being too broken up about it...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

We had a car accident victim at the ER the other night, guy was a teenager, obviously drunk, and the people who brought him in swore that he was a passenger and not the driver.  His hand had a half inch cut on the top and he was a little shaken up.  After we began treating him in Trauma 5, a flood of like dressed teenager wannabes started appearing outside, parking their little VWs and low rider sport trucks all over the parking lot.  All the girls were crying because they heard that this guy had been in an "terrible" accident and the guys with them were also worried about him (probably afraid he would tell the police who he was dealing to...).  It was a scratch, he didn't really need the three stitches that we put into him and he certainly didn't get any narcotics or other prescription medication.  The girls were all having conference calls on their little multi-colored cel-phones and I was like GOD!  Give me a BREAK!  You all need to get a frigging life and stop buying your life out of a GAP catalog!

My police partner, Jeff Smith, had stopped by to see me and we walked outside to talk.  I forced our way through a crowd of teenie boppers busy trying to console each other about the guy in T5,  just another group of useless human bleating sheep blocking the entrance to the ER for people who had far worse problems than maybe not being able to surf the net one handed for awhile.

"Damn!" Jeff said.  "What the hell is going on out here?!"

"Looks to me like an Eminem concert exploded." I replied loud enough that those around me could hear me.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I have a newspaper article from the other day, local paper, about the local college sports program.  The headline read quite boldly

"WACKING BEGINS AT USM."

... and I thought to myself "Oh, great!   They're having the football camp on the same week as the cheerleader camp."   Actually, it was about football training, and the term 'wacking' was referring to the act of these big tough men slamming into each other and grunting like constipated grizzly bears over and over again for no good reason other than the entertainment of the more simple minded layers of the mental strata that exists in the human race.

I think I would have used another term other than "Whacking" but then that's just me.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up the other morning and my wife asked me how I slept.

"I slept pretty good..." I responded.

"No."  My wife corrected.   "You slept pretty well."

I stopped rubbing my eyes and looked at her.

"Hey ..." I replied.  "If you knew how I slept, then why did you ask me in the first place?"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I think the day that I know that I'll admit that I'm way too old is the day when I'm in an elevator or a waiting room somewhere and I hear that soothing piped in music and recognize that it is Metallica's "Enter Sandman"...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why are your bowels lettered?  I mean, the other day I heard someone say that your bowels were A, E, I, O, and U.  And sometimes Y.  Why indeed, I wondered.  I thought it was vowels that were lettered but this person most assuredly used the word bowels.  I guess if they had a sudden vowel movement, they would have shat the alphabet...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I was sitting on the couch reading some Joseph Campbell (definitely not for the weak minded or the average NASCAR follower) the other day when one of those annoying TV commercials came on advertising some form of feminine laxative.  The female voice of the announcer on the TV reported that women were constipated ten times more often than men.  I merely folded the book down on my chest, stared at the TV and shouted:

"That's because they have all of that fancy plumbing!"

I hate stupid commercials.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I heard a radio commercial the other day for some type of insurance.  It was being offered by Nationwide Insurance Company.   At the end of the commercial, that annoying typical fast talking person came on with the details and limitations of the plan.  One of the details and limitations was that the plan was not available in ALL states.  I thought, now what kind of company calls itself "Nationwide" if it isn't available in all states of the nation?

I wonder if you can get ALLSTATE insurance in every state or if there are some states that don't have an ALLSTATE insurance office.   People are sheep...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

A local car dealer has an ad on TV... it shows a group of wild turkeys slowly prancing around a field and the announcer reads "Here is a common sight in Stone county."  The image fades to that of a smiling customer taking a set of keys from a smiling car salesman and the announcer says "Here is another common site in Stone county..."  The two people shake hands and I thought...

"What?  You would have to be a real turkey to buy a car from these guys?  Is THAT the message that the car dealership was trying to get across..."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

People who say the word "BUFFET" as "Boo-Fay" really tick me off.  I heard two people talking the other day and one told the other "Let's go to Barnhill's... they have a boo-fay there."

Hey, moron!

The word is pronounced "Buff-Fay", not "Boo-Fay".

I bet these people listen to Jimmy Boo-Fett as well...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I was helping one of the nurses clean down a triage station in the ER last night.  As she and I were about to pull the sheets and casings and change them out, another nurse quickly intercepted us and warned us that the previous patient in that unit had been diagnosed with PINK EYE.  The nurse and I immediately backed up and stopped.

"Have you ever had PINK EYE before?" she asked.

"No." I replied.  "But I had PINK BUTT a few times.  Itches about the same, I guess."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The cafeteria crew were late Sunday morning.   When the woman finally came for me to unlock the cafeteria and kitchen doors, she was different than the woman whom I had talked to the previous morning.  Not recognizing this woman I decided to have a little fun with her.

"Well, you're not the regular woman I let into the kitchen..." I said, standing up and adjusting my badge and holster.

"She's sick.  I'm working in her place today." The woman said.

"Well, I've never seen you before.   I'm going to need to see some identification and I'm going to need a DNA test."

The nurses in the nursing station were giggling by now.  The poor woman looked at me like I was serious and her eyes were as big as golf balls.

"A DNA test!?" she exclaimed.   "Sugar, I tell you right now my DNA done gonna come out straight!"

The laughter exploded.  I had to end the joke right there.  Folks, if you don't know anything about DNA, then let me explain that DNA is a twisted double helix.  I would hate to see what a 'straight' DNA would be like... is that dueling banjos I hear in the distance?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Technology is your shepherd.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

If you don't believe that people are sheep, just listen to the commercials on the radio.  I heard a commercial for Pepperidge Farm Goldfish snack crackers  the other day that had a stupid little jingle that went like this:

"We call them flavor blasted because they're blasted with flavor..."

Well, yeah, I mean... duh.

Thank GOD for the MUTE button...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

We had a guy at the ER a while ago, overdose, he was a vegetable that was only kept alive by life support and machines.  Well, he apparently had a good side of the family and a bad side of the family, and I had to work security at the ER to keep the riff-raff out of the way and from making trouble.   After I had to explain several times about the noise policy, I finally walked into the nurses station and sat down in a chair, sighing.  One of the nurses asked me how it was out in the waiting area.

"It's like Hee-Haw.  Just without the music..." I replied.

That brought all the nurses and techs to tears.

"You know..." I said quietly, looking back at all the scoggins in the waiting area.  "Somewhere out there is a trailer park that is complete vacant right now.  Nobody home."

More tears, one tech had to lean against the wall to support himself while he was laughing and a woman put her head down on the desk and rolled back and forth laughing.   Six hill scoggin children ran screaming by, chasing one another from one end of the waiting area to the other and then started playing around with the automatic door, seeing what it took to make it open like it was magic or something.

"Good God!" I said, standing and preparing to head back out to the waiting area.  "I never figured that they were filming the sequel to "Deliverance" right here in Marion county but e in Marion county but if they call looking for the cast and extras, tell them that I have them all here in the waiting room..."

That was the final straw and there wasn't a person in the nurses station that wasn't laughing.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

You know what the definition of "UGLY" would be? 

ZZTop doing a MANWICH or SLOPPY JOE commercial.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

BACK