The Wet Dreams of Utter Morons

Humorous short mental spurts from genetic misfires and sub-mental pygmies.


________________________

"Thank God for Ninjas. They keep arseholes like you off Harleys." - Kev Scrivener gnastygnome@btopenworld.com

And I replied:  "No, Kev. It's not a Ninja that keeps me from owning a Harley, it's a college education that keeps me from owning a Harley. Oh, and by the way, I ride a Honda. Honda doesn't make a "Ninja" but then if you rode something other than what amounts to the short yellow bus of the motorcycle world, you'd have known that."  -CS

________________________
 

Dear, One who has a bumper sticker that reads "I like balls on my nose!"
Just looked at your site and it seems that yet another socially challenged
dexter has found a way to amuse herself.
No, I am not a H-D rider, don't care for them either, just think your (sic- "you're") a big
enough looser (sic - "loser") to tell you about it.
Question why does someone, like you, who "hates" HD so much, run around with
such a stiffy for them? I bet you even have stickers on your honda trail
seventy that bash HD.
Oh, I figured it out a ricer that works at MD's that will never be able to
afford an expensive bike (15). I bet on your mitsub evo you have a turbo sticker,
added that extra 20 ponies did ya? Or the Got Boost, I think that one adds
another 10HP.
Do your mom a favor and move out, or buy a bullet and rent a gun. (30)
Out for now,
GSX owner or as you prob(ably) say the hip way, Gixxer.  

-Jeremy Landers  jal1639@msn.com

And I replied:  "With all of the advice and insight into life that this person has offered, perhaps their middle initial of "A" stands for "Ann" as in Jeremy Ann Landers. Jeremy Ann.  Yes, that's a fine name for a hillbilly girl who was mobile home schooled all of her life."  -CS


________________________

 

Stephen Lopez stopped by to ask:  "What the reason for this?"

And I replied: "What the reason for this?"  My guess is the "reason" would be that you failed English and grammar in elementary school. -CS

________________________
 

"You homosexuals are really bitchy about Harleys (21).  Do you have a site to whine about American made cars? (Yep.  SPO)  How about one called, "I hate America"? (27)  - Bill

And I replied: "How about one called "Smart Americans who hate stupid Americans!"?  Oh.  Wait.  That's American Angst, isn't it?  Silly me."  -CS

________________________

Todd ski <faqyee@hotmail.com>

Your web site being very informative still can lick my left nut.

I am willing to bet that you are computer nerds without girlfriends, bald, most definately (sp) fat, and unmistakably ugly.

You are destine(d) to be trampled underfoot since you are obviously socially inapt (inept). The last time you have seen female genitalia was when your mother bared the largest embarrasement (sp) of her life.

Good luck making a living with this shit,

Yours truly,

Toddski

 

And I replied: "Being seventeen years old and still in the fifth grade must really suck, Todd.  Oh, well ... at least the other kids look up to you but that's only because you have a driver's license."

 

________________________

 

 Dani Nelson <daninelson@comcast.net> said:

"Hey Jethro, your wife is kind of a dog."

And I replied: "She keeps me warm on cold winter nights and she's housebroken.  I can't complain."


________________________

Gtojamrozy1@aol.com  wrote:

"i own a kawasaki and a harly buy american you dumb asses. the kow is just to beat on"

And I replied:  "Dumb ass? You can't even spell the word "Harley" correctly or capitalize the "A" in "American" but then I don't expect much in the way of intelligence from an AOLoser."

________________________
 

An amusing late night phone call I recently received.

The telephone rings at 10:48pm on a Tuesday night as I'm sitting in bed reading.  Curious, I check the number and hope it isn't dispatch.  I'm somewhat relieved to see that it's from UNKNOWN CALLER, as displayed on the caller ID.  Great, it's either a telemarketer or a visitor to my website.  Normally I don't take these calls but I was willing to take the gamble that it might be worth some late night mirth and that a good laugh would help me sleep better.  I was correct.

Me (calmly):  "Shields."

Caller: (shouting): "Yur Gawd dam website fuckin' sucks!  It fuckin' SUCKS!"

Me (calmly):  "No, your mother sucks but ... yeah... I think she's finished now.  Would you like to talk to her?  She's sitting right here beside me on the bed."

Caller: (shouting) "Fuck you!  You sumbitch!  FUCK YOU!!!"

Me:  (calmly turning the phone away from me and pretending to talk to someone beside me) "Here, talk to your son.  Which son?  Hell, I don't know, the retarded one would be my guess..."

Caller:  (click) (dial tone).

Me: (calmly hanging up the phone) "Good night, chimp."

 

________________________
 

A little bit of joy from the AA forums, too good to pass up and not share it with the rest of you ...

"Your the type of guy that should have his ass handed to him at the end of a fist."  -Rockyyy (resident AA forums troll)

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Issac Asimov. "  -Black Echo

"The internet is your last refuge of imcompetence" - Rockyyy

"Uh, Rock: You're on the internet, too. AND, you misspelled incompetence...."  -Sparks500

 

________________________

"hans schwichverhoven" hansfxs@hotmail.com thought it was smart to say:

"HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS. YOU SHOULD SPANK YOUR MONKEY MORE OFTEN. INSTEAD OF WATING ALL Y0UR ENERGY ANT TALLENT. NOBODY REALLY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT PEOPLES CHOICE OF TRANSPORTATION.  ZUT!"

And I replied: "One day you're going to be burning in hell and making little marshmallow treats with Hitler, Hans."

 

________________________

Steve Thompson austinman99@yahoo.com  thought it was it would be witty to email me saying:

"Get a real bikeAs a wannabee who obviously can't afford a Harley, you are a sad wannabee cop too. What a joke you are....what misguided energy that could better be directed at something worthwhile.People like you are one of the BAD things about the internet. You and porn. -Steve"

And I replied:  "You know, if I had beaten the dog up the stairs then I'd be your father, Steve."
 

________________________

"Hack Nazi" hacknazi@email.com  came up for air just long enough to sputter:

"I don't like NASCAR or own a Harley or anything like that, but after reading your over your site I can say you really need help. Might I suggest you move to another country, like Iraq. Your truley not an american.  -Nazi"

And I replied: "I find it both ironic and humorous that someone who goes by the online name of "Nazi" is calling me un-American and advocating that I move to another country.  Especially someone who capitalizes the word "Nazi" but doesn't capitalize the word "american."  The only thing greater than your ignorance is your total lack of education."

________________________

Pounds Robert <rpmgang@yahoo.com rode by just long enough to say: 

"you are a nothing fuck- sit in the corner, lick your balls and pray. you spout such idiocy, you are a poster child for birth control. anybody in miss. can get a badge? Puke"

And I replied: "Pounds Robert ?  Is that your real name or what you do to your boyfriend on a regular basis?"

________________________

casaba@pbtcomm.net wiped the drool from his lips just long enough to say:

"Highly unintelligent and shallow but funny. I like my bike, i'm glad you like yours. If I see you burning from a wreck while doing wheelies and running under a tractor trailer, rest assured that I will be most happy to stop and piss on you to help put out the flames."

And I replied:  "Strange.  I would have thought that "highly unintelligent and shallow but funny" would have more aptly described your sex life than anything you might have found on this website."

________________________

HARLEYDADDY rode by just long enough to say: 

"I hope yur motherfuking head come off."

And I replied: "Which one?  The one on my shoulders or the one that your mother is trying to suck off (and doing it badly)?"

________________________

TPETER@telusplanet.net came up for air just long enough to blabber:

"I was going to ask if you rode a bike or not but after going to your website I realized you are a weird motherfucker so I won't ask! You keep on reading your comics and I am going for a ride on my Harley. Merry Christmas!"

And I replied:  "It must be really annoying having to deal with all of that whistling coming from your skull when you ride, Terry."

________________________

StyxianHD styxian69HD@aol.com took a much deserved rest from his job as conductor on the man-train and said:

"Your a fucknig retardid asshole you sound like that Judge Judy bitch!"

And I replied: "It's funny that you should mention Judge Judy as she once wrote a best-selling book entitled "Beauty fades, dumb is forever."  I picked it up out of curiosity one day at the book store and read a few pages because I honestly thought it was about the history of Harley Davidson.  Sadly, it wasn't about motorcycles, but using her logic, it's easy to see why Harley Davidson is celebrating its hundredth anniversary, and why they will be around for a long time to come..."

________________________


Charlie Hoffman [cthoffman@cox.net] came out of the closet just long enough to say:

"Youíre about one lame-ass personÖIíll bet you ride a Hiyabushit or some rice rocket like that. What do you have against Harley endorsed products? If people like em and are willing to pay for it, why the hell should you care. Itís called capitalism Ö thereís nothing wrong with Harley marketing their marquee. Youíre problem is, youíre just jealous that you didnít  think of it first. You have way too much time on your hands and need to get a life."

And I replied:  "I tell you what, Charlie, you're absolutely right. And to prove that you're right, I just got back from the bathroom and I have this gallon sized Zip-lock bag full of Bad Biker Mike's Freshly Squeezed Genuine Harley Lemonade (tm). If you'll just be so kind as to send me a check for $45, plus $10 shipping and fondling, I'll be sure to mail it to you right away.  Here's to your health, Ace, drink up while it's still warm and frothy!"

____________________

febjr3s@aol.com came up for air just long enough to say: 

"Alright heres a question for all you people who think your so smart and know everything well answer this?... Why is a person smart, and people dumb?  When you figure it out e-mail me back at... febjr3s@aol.com"

To which I replied:  "Uh, because we don't use AOL and we do know how to use apostrophes in conjunctions? Duh."

________________________

123@noxs.nl came up for air just long enough to say: 

"Voor hetzelfde geld geef je een beetje opbouwende kritiek in plaats van vuurspuwen op een pagina, die er niet echt toe doet. britney spears heeft overigens geen a in de spelling, dus foutloos ben je zelf ook niet.  Overigens was ik serieus op zoek naar een pagina van een of andere kloothommel die politieagent wilde worden, en zijn ervaringen met anderen wilde delen.

Waarom dit kommentaar in het nederlands en niet in het engels?

Waarom zou ik, met zo'n scheldkanonnade voordat ik ergens terecht kwam, terwijl een ander alleen een typefoutje maakte!

Last two lines in english:

Why this comment in dutch (find a nice webbased translator, and you'll know what I told you) and not in english Why should I, to someone who encounters me in this rude way, while pointed to his site by somebody, who made a typing mistake.

wineke
mad"



To which I replied:   "Hey, Winky, if I wanted to hear someone scream at me in Dutch, I’d fly over there and fuck your sister.  Translate that."

________________________


rick kuhns fonemann@msn.com gave up his position as caboose on the man train just long enough to say:

"get a life loser! put a gun to your head, and end your misery"  -rick

To which I replied:       "This coming from a retard who spells his name with a silent "P" in front of it, right, (p)Rick?"

________________________

Shirleyszone@aol.com  (another AOLoser) got up off her knees just long enough to say:

"you have to be the biggest ass hole on the planet why dont you get your bike up to about 80 miles an hour then jump off hopefully you will get run over by the car behind you you give new meaning to the word shit head!!!!!!!!!!"

To which I replied:  "It’s so very nice to know that such a run of the mill Waffle House waitress who has to resort to blowing truck drivers in the restroom stall for tips can still find the time and effort to come up with such poignant scorn."


________________________


Jim Sorenson rode on his training wheels just to say:

"Your a fukkin ashole cop"

To which I replied: "And you are a lopsided taint elf."

________________________

Robert Sciascia stepped out of the closet just long enough to blather:

"WOWEEE, I never knew that there were so many jealous dooshbags out there. Definitely need to get a life, and a real motorcyle like my BIG JOHNSON."

To which I replied: "The word you are looking for, Robert, is "douche bag", but then you would know that if you were anything other than an uneducated cunt."

________________________

1BadVTwin rode by to say:  

"All cops are losers I bet your gun betl is the only thing holding up your donut pot belly."

To which I replied:  "I don't have a pot belly, but if I did, it wouldn't be my gun betl (belt?) which held it up, it would be the top of your mother's flat head moving rhythmically to the sound of sucking noises."

________________________

RandiRob rode by to say:  

"Hey, loser! I'm a monkey if your little limp dicked pussy ass rice burner can outride me and my Hog! I've been riding for twenty years now.  I hope I catch you on the open road, I'll show you who's a monkey you little fuckshit!"

To which I replied:    "Are you a regular type of monkey or the big red assed kind?"

________________________

Christina Whitten wrote:

"Real men ride Harleys little boy. You’re probably hung like a Chiwawa, asshole. I hope my boyfriend catches you and your little rice burner on an open road one day…"

To which I replied: "Why don’t you get a webcam, an ironing board, and a donkey and employ those three items in a creative manner which will generate income for you on the Internet."

________________________

Fourstars11 came out of the closet to say: "Your angry because your a fudge packer."

I responded: "Did you come up with that on your own or did your mommy help you?"

 ________________________

Dynobob came out of the closet to say: "Fuck you and fuck your little rice burning prick bikes. If you ever rode a real motorcycle, you’d know the difference between big American power and tiny little buzzy jap crap!"

I responded: "You really are one sad, disillusioned used tampon with a kickstand, aren’t you, Dynobob?"

 ________________________

Mark Strong came out of the closet to say:

"Dickheads like you make me sick. Why donít you get a real bike and shut the fuck up!"

I responded: "If ignorance is bliss, Mark, then you have got to be the happiest man in the world."

________________________

Martha Smith came out of the closet to say:

"I’m not taking the time to read any of your hate rants because your whole sight is irrelevant."

I responded: "Irrelevant, as in the marriage union between your father and his sister. You’re the only child that lived out of that unholy union, correct?"

________________________

 

BACK