HARLEY JOKES and HUMOR
Q: What does HOG stand for?
A: Heavyset Old Geezers
Q: Why did they decide to call it the “Harley Owners Group?”
A: Because the term “Special Ed” was already taken.
I'm surprised that
hasn't produced a special edition officially
licensed and endorsed child's toy called "Mr. Potato Potato Head."
Race with a Harley
I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed
to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really
twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to
speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that
say "MAX SPEED 50 KPH".
I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him
was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but
when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.
My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I
was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the
tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more
than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was
not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had
preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh
cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
Q: Why are Harley's some of the
safest bikes on the road?
A: You can't go fast enough to hurt yourself....
Q: Did you
hear about the harley rider that broke his arm while playing golf?
A: He fell off the ball washer!
-submitted by BPrice
Q. What do you get when you have 32
Harley owners in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.
Q: What do you call a
13 year old girl from Milwaukee who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.
These two trailer-trash
women were talking to each other, and one asked "How is your husband doing?" and
the other said "I think he is dead." So the first one asked "What do you mean.
you think?" so the second replied "Well, the sex is the same but he hasn't
worked on the Harley in over a week!"
Q: A Harley owner and a NASCAR fan get in a fight, who wins?
A: We all do!
-Submitted by Casey-
Q: What's the happiest day in a Harley rider's life?
A: When they discover that they can use Right Guard(tm) under their left arm.
Words to live by...
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse,
both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his cock and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral): "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."
A Harley rider is riding down a deserted
stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the comer of his eye..It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and rides on without a second thought...Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
GAS STOP 5 MILES
Suddenly, he realizes that these signs are for real...Then he rides past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His instinct gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He locks his bike, climbs the steps and rings the bell....The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."....
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," ....
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door"....
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup...He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.....As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
THE NEXT GAS STOP IS 10 MILES
THE OTHER WAY.
-Submitted by Nitinol
George Carlin discusses the pussification of the American male with regard to Harley Davidson! Timothy T. Klein sent in the link to the George Carlin HD file. Mike Haney broke it down into an easy to download wav file. Enjoy!
Q: What do you have when you put 10,000 Harley Davidson motorcycles on the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q. Where do you put money to hide it from a harley rider?
A. In the bathroom...under the soap.
Submitted by JTodd
Did you hear about the HD owner who put Odor Eaters(tm) in his new riding boots?
Two days later, he disappeared.
Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers,
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!"
responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers,
Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"
Q: Why do Harley riders
get buried face down, with their ass cheeks poking out of the ground?
A: So that when their friends come to pay their respects they'll have a place to park their hawgs.
Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a Harley funeral.
A: Garbage cans only have two handles!
Q: How can you tell it's a Harley funeral?
A: All the garbage trucks have their lights on.
Q: Did you hear about the new Italian made Harley Davidsons?
A: When you crank them up
dago wop wop wop.
Q: Did you hear that Harley and the makers of Viagra are teaming up for a new officially licensed and endorsed version of the wonder pill to be available over the counter without a prescription at dealerships across the country?
A: It's called Buyagra
and the more you spend, the harder you get.
________________Q- What is the most common accessory for Harleys'? A- A pick-up truck.
Submitted by Lew Lefcourt, proud owner of a ZX-11 and a V-Max
Q-What does a Harley and a hemorrhoid have in common?
A-Sooner or later every asshole gets one.
Submitted by -TKlein
A-So the owners will know how far it is to the next repair shop.
Submitted by Sleepyspudmike
Saw a pickup truck the other day, it had a Harley bar and shield with wings emblem in the rear window, below that, it had a sticker that said "I'd rather push a Harley than ride a Honda", below that it had a sticker that said "imports suck".
What kind of pickup truck was it on?
A single cab Nissan.
Lamar county tag.
They grow them dumb there, really, they do. -Black Echo
Did you hear that Harley Davidson and Ford are teaming up again? The success of the Ford HD Edition F150 and the power of the new Harley V-Rod has inspired Ford to produce a V-Rod edition of their popular Ford "Lightning" high performance sport truck.
Sources say that the new HD edition Ford
Lightning will have a Porsche engine under the hood and that the heads will be stamped
"Made in France". -Black Echo
Q: Why do
harley riders never ride faster than 50mph???
A: Any faster and they can't see where the parts fell off.
Q: Why do harley riders chrome all their parts???
A: It makes them easier to spot on the side of the road.
Submitted by Vmaxer MarkM
Want to see what it would be like to ride a Harley Davidson? Click HERE to find out!
Thanks to MarkP for this gem!
Ten MORE Reasons Why
Harley Owners Won't Wave At Other Bikers
Submitted by LeoncioR
Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers.
Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
They're jealous that after spending $30,000,they still don't own a BMW K1200 LT
OF HARLEY-DAVIDSON BUYERS
Submitted by Red John from an official
HD handout at a MMI course
Harley riders and owners fall into the following identified seven types, according to Milwaukee. I love these names that the fetid old troglodytes have come up with to identify and divide their slice of the money pie into! Check it out! Thanks, Red John!
1. Sensitive Pragmatists (29%)
The largest segment of Harley owners tends to be blue collar workers. They consider themselves easy going and practical. These owners take motorcycle riding seriously. They say "You'd better know something about what you're doing before riding a motorcycle." They like the "high" of riding. They tend to be FL-series owners.
2. Laid Back Campers (24%)
Quiet and soft-spoken. That describes these Harley owners. This group likes to cruise, not speed or race. They also view their bikes as a way to get out of the city and in touch with nature. These bikers are patriotic: the "Made in America" label is their number one reason buying a Harley. They tend to be Sportster owners.
3. Cool-headed Loners (17%)
The loners consider a Harley motorcycle the perfect get away vehicle to express their independence. They tend to be higher income "white collar" individuals. In their opinion the "Harley experience" is the ride itself. They describe the Harley as a "fingerprint: you buy the basic cycle, then personalize it so no one else has one exactly like yours." Loners also believe in "live and let live"; to them, riding a Harley reflects that attitude. They tend to be Softail owners.
4. Adventure Loving Traditionalists (10%)
This market segment rides a Harley for its independence, freedom and adventure. These individualists love risk and seek thrills. Traditionalists consider new Harley-Davidson riders trendy and unappealing. Like the Laid Back Campers, this group believes the reason behind Harley's great performance and quality is the "Made in America" label
5. Classy Capitalists (8%)
Sometimes described as "Rich Urban Bikers" or "RUBS" this segment represents the traditional American success story - a class of winners. Famous stars are represented in this group; members are often 45 to 50 years old. Most promised themselves years ago they would reward themselves with a Harley-Davidson after making a certain amount of money. This group loves the attention they get when riding a Harley-Davidson. They tend to purchase Softails.
6. Cocky Misfits (7%)
This buyer enjoys its reputation as the "bad guy" and the "wild man." These owners claim to have "tattoos with attitude" The last thing they want is to be seen as stylish! They live for a chance to cut loose on their machine. The sound and speed of a Harley are important to this group. They're always looking for an opportunity to "open it up."
7. Stylish Status Seekers (5%)
The smallest Harley-Davidson market segment is young, stylish, and elitist. This group tries to emulate the "famous stars" of the Classy Capitalists group. These riders say "Riding a Harley separates you and makes you stand out." Like the Classy Capitalist, this group wants to be noticed Harley aesthetics have the biggest appeal to this group. Owners liken a Harley bike to a vintage car - both are made fro a ride on a sunny day.
Top 40 things you won't ever hear
from a Harley rider
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for a thousand, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Hey, Peaches? I think we should sell the pickup and buy a minivan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a martini.
35. We don't keep no firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Hey, Peaches? Did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and whole wheat toast instead of the biscuits and gravy.
25. Listen, Peaches. I love animals too, but we just don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn about NASCAR? Let's watch soccer!
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Nope. Im going to have to say quits after this new ink. Ten tattoos is enough for any man.
21. Smoking is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at K-Mart today.
19. I wonder if I can get some quieter pipes?
18. Hand me that metric wrench there.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. "That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind."
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Light beer just tastes better.
13. Sturgis is too far to ride to.
12. Brass knuckles and chains are for sissies. I prefer kung-fu!
11. Hustler? No, I subscribe to National Geographic.
10. I shaved my beard because it made me look like an inbred redneck hill scoggin.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. Do these leather chaps make my ass look too big?
4. I'd like to open this annual meeting of the International Neurosurgery Association with a poem written by Robert Frost ...
3. Im thinking of going back to school.
2. Those shorts really ought to be a little longer there, Peaches. I mean, hell, your ass is showing when you ride behind me.
... and the number one thing you will never hear a Harley owner say:
1. No more for me. I'm ridin'!
HARLEY RIDER TO THE RESCUE!
A forty-five year old man was riding his motorcycle when he saw his best friend being attacked by a large pit bull. The man jumped off his bike, ran over and jumped on the dog's back. After prying the vicious animal's teeth from his friend's body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead.
The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for an ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the motorcycle riding hero and said,
"Sir, that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. You're going to make tomorrow's headlines. It will read: 'Suzuki Rider is Hero-Risks His Life & Saves Friend From Vicious Pit Bull Attack.'"
The old biker said, "That's nice, but I'm not a damn Suzuki rider."
The editor said "O.K., then it will read 'Honda rider saves friend's life in pit-bull attack.'"
The old biker said, "I'm not a damn Honda rider."
The editor thought for a moment and then replied, "Oh OK, it will read 'Yamaha rider saves friend's life.'"
Once again the old man interrupted by grumbling and saying, "Listen, sonny! I'm not a Yamaha rider either!"
The editor becoming somewhat irritated asked, "Well, then what kind of bike do you ride?"
The old biker drew up proudly and replied with a big smile, "HARLEY-DAVIDSON"
The next morning the local newspaper headlines read:
"BELOVED FAMILY PET MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD BY INBRED REDNECK HILL SCOGGIN."
_____________________________________________________The Greatest Invention
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since
you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is,
you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?
"God said, "Ah, yes. "
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."
God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what
the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur.
"But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours." Submitted by WayneH
MIGHT NOT BE RIDING A REAL MOTORCYCLE IF...
(Very tongue in cheek, deal with it...)
A Honda rider, a Ducati rider and a Harley Davidson rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long days ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Harley Davidson rider was first in line (he had drunk the most), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Harley Davidson rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Ducati rider was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Ducati rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Honda rider was the last one up (he had drunk the least), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You ride a Honda. You support the greatest motorcycle and car producer in the world. I myself ride a Fireblade and have many Acuras in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Honda rider replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!"
"Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Harley Davidson rider to my back." The Honda rider replied.
Q: How do you know that the toothbrush was invented
A: If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the teeth brush
Q: What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a
collective IQ of 120?
A: Sturgis !
Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a
Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A: The Harley has room for two dirtbags on board.
Q: How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
A: Both have pricks on their back.
Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: If you leave them alone long enough, they'll both mark their territory.
Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.
Q: Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
A: To be able to tell if they're moving or not !
"Slow down or come to a complete stop?"
The police officer had just pulled over a yuppie on a new Harley for running a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please..." the officer asked.
"What's the problem, officer?" the yuppie replied.
"You just ran a stop sign." the officer said.
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and only then proceed with caution."
"You've got to be kidding me!" the yuppie said.
"It's no joke sir." the officer said flatly, pulling out his citation book and preparing to write a ticket.
"Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, and proceeded with caution."
The officer sighed and slowly shook his head.
"That's beside the point sir, you are supposed to come to a complete stop and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." the officer began.
"You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?" the yuppie asked sneering.
"SIR!" The officer sighed. "I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.
A smile appeared on the officer's face.
"Sir, I can do better than that."
The police officer quickly jerked the rude yuppie off his Harley, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
Reasons why Harley riders don't wave at other bikers
They're way too cool to acknowledge any
They're too busy daydreaming about owning a real motorcycle.
Their engine is too weak to handle the added wind resistance of a waving hand.
The Rottie (in back of the pickup truck with the tied down Harley) is easily upset by rapid hand movements.
Are you kidding? Risk their lives trying to control a Harley with just one hand!
They're too busy humming "Born to be Wild" while fantasizing about being Peter Fonda or Dennis Hopper.
They're too busy figuring out how to pay for next order of genuine Harley accessories (including the "official" HD calculator needed to add up the cost).
If they really have to tell you, you won't understand anyway.
They can't see you because their half-shell helmet keeps falling down over their eyes.
They think we are actually trying to draw their attention to the parts falling off their bikes, and they are sick and tired of it.
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER
A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word.......
Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word.......
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word........
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father says "Never mind! I'll do the dishes!"