"It felt strange for this to be my death, it didn't feel
right. My frustration was that my death didn't fit me.
It was the
wrong size, too small,
and I refused to wear it."
"Dead is dead and it ain't no different than walking
around if you ain't living.
Living in fear is
just another way of dying before your time"
- The Drive By Truckers
diapers and swinging wrenches -
hindsight, when I think that everything that my father ever needed to fix
anything in our lives resided in a greasy, dented, faded, olive drab surplus
Army ammunition box, and when I look at my two huge rolling tool kits in my
garage each stock full of well worn tools, I find it all a bit strange that
my father did so much with so few tools and that I need so many tools to do
what little I do. Yes, I believe that there was some kind of special magic
in that old surplus Army ammo box, just like that hat that Frosty the
"Sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whiskey and drive fast on empty streets
with nothing in mind but falling in love and not gettng arrested."
-Hunter S. Thompson
"Generation of Swine"
Junior High and High School
First Car ... Her. -
(1984) "I found her for sale in The
Advertiser, a small, weekly published local trade paper that ran discount
ads across several counties. She was a 1978 Chevy Camaro, she was my first
love and even though our relationship would only last a little over two
years that relationship would become the stuff of stories told for years to
come and would provide precious memories that would be carried through
decades to come long after she was gone."
ten minute, late night, last chance, beer run - (1985) "I stared down
the lonely two lane that was Lincoln road; ill-lit, faded traffic markings,
mostly trees and undeveloped retail property that quickly led to
subdivisions and light commercial areas centered around a Shell gas station,
a bank, and a semi-strip mall with a liquor store and a Win Dixie grocery
store, both of which did just enough business to keep their doors open.
There at the far west end of Lincoln road, this boring two lane city street
teed off into south 40th avenue and at the end of south 40th avenue, at the
corner of highway 49, was a Texaco gas station with a pretty good beer
selection. The problem, of course, was getting to the Texaco station in less
than ten minutes and having enough time to spare for Rick to run in and get
his beloved brew."
- The James Gang - (1985) - "From
the fall of 1983 through most of 1985 I had two
really good high school friends; James and Steve, each a year older
than I was. Our meeting ground was Hattiesburg Prep and I
tell you how we became friends just that one day there I was, a
they were sophomores and somewhere in the fall of 1983 James and Steve
Together the motley three of us had a strong friendship
and when we hung out we referred to ourselves as “The James Gang” since James seemed to take lead most of the time in
suggesting what to do when it came to hanging out and having fun. All in all we were t-shirt, jeans and
sneakers wearing teenage hooligans coming of age and having a blast doing it."
love, bad love - (1985) "Pamela was an attractive and nicely built blonde … with long sometimes curly
hair down to the upper part of her back and dark blue eyes. She
really filled out a pair of blue jeans in all the right ways but she
wore way too much makeup and it was because she really didn’t know how
to apply all of her makeup that gave her a rock band groupie look most
of the time. The fact that it somehow actually worked to make her
attractive on such a base level was purely accidental rather than the
result of her frequent and often frantic efforts to apply it. The
truth was that Pam was the kind of girl that Tom Petty usually wrote
songs about and, God help me, I had an affair with her."
not to run from the Mississippi
Highway Patrol- (1986) "My
black finger-less gloved hand slipped from the steering wheel to the gear
shifter as my right foot went straight to the floor. The big 403 cubic inch
V8 under the hood screamed as the four barrels of the Rochester Quadrajet
opened wide. The last bit of sunlight glinted off the large three-toned gold
Firebird decal that blazed across the top of the hood. The shaker scoop
slammed hard to the right in its hood opening as the accelerator met the
carpet on the floor. I slid back in my seat as the power from the big cube
motor came on strong and even, effortlessly accelerating the old Pontiac up
Hinds Junior College and Jones County Junior College
- No substitute for
(1987) "The Trans-Am leaped out of the hole, it's rear tires spinning and smoking
as the car fought to get traction on the black top, leaving a long set of
dark black marks as the Safe-T Track limited slip rear differential locked
up. The front end rising as the torque of the small block peaked. He
let off the gas and walked the Pontiac out of the hole. Almost sideways. He
was forced back into his seat by the instant torque being produced, over
three hundred and twenty pounds per foot of torque. The seatbelt locked up
on hard acceleration."
Roommate from HELL - (1987) "I fired off the aerosol hair spray at the same time as I flicked the lighter to
life, aiming about six inches over his face, creating an instant blow-torch of joyous
chemical pyromania which lit up the darkened room in a mixture of shadows and shades that
could only come from Dante's Inferno. The flame was close enough to singe some of his
eyebrows into melted balls on the end of his hairs... tiny
little lollipops from Hell's own candy store."
- Redneck Sex- (1987)
"Hiding my TA behind the apartment complex, where the darkness and shadows
blended with the black paint, also kept the scoggins from getting any bright ideas like using my car as some pagan altar
for their strange breeding rituals. Images of tangle-eyed skanks getting bent over the
fenders and rear spoiler of my car as a prelude to hours upon hours of wild knee slapping,
harmonica playing, inbred bumpkin sex chilled my blood. I mean, I had just had the car
professionally painted not six months ago, the last thing I wanted on my paint job was
tracks and claw marks from Lee Press-On Nails ™."
The University of Southern Mississippi
KISS Concert- (1990) "I was finishing up my Saturday route, all 250 miles of it, when
I heard that the local radio station was broadcasting live from a computer store
in a small strip mall and that the next person to pull in and say they heard it
on the radio would get two *FREE* tickets to see KISS in concert in Jackson, MS.
This was when KISS had just come out with the album that had “Forever” on it and
that song was being played to hell and back on the radio. I had never seen KISS
in concert before, I liked their music (I wasn’t gay for it by a long shot) and
I thought it might be interesting to go see the aging rockers play to a bunch of
John Deere and NASCAR apparel wearing, Skoal dipping simpletons."
- Katrice - (1990) - ...
- The Night I took my Honda Interceptor to a Sigma Chi Social - (1992) - "It
wasn't the first set of steps that I'd ridden down (or up) on the Honda
but if I dumped the Honda here I'd get swarmed by a bunch of pissed
off, drunken Sigma Chis and that really wasn't how I wanted to end my
(1992) " ... as mile after mile of divided black ribbon unfolded beneath my '84 Interceptor.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get her last words out of my mind."
and beneath me, the hot surface of the asphalt roared by like a raging, swollen black
river, threatening to drag me under at any second. I heard the siren song of the tires
against the pavement, calling out to me as I slowly pulled myself upright, easing out of
the curve and onto the shimmering interstate.
Dedication- (1993) "Relationships
just never worked for me. I've had VPs of
corporations, bank tellers, librarians, real estate agents, stewardesses, and a
host of other assorted psycho-nut cases. I really ran the gauntlet of the
Twilight Zone when it came to dating. Think of me as the living human dating
filter that kept the really weird girls from ever reaching the rest of you guys.
If you've never had a really weird psycho nutcase for a girlfriend, then thank
me. I had her for you."
they begin a journey . . . the freedom of the road beckons."
- The Redneck and The
Ninja- (1995)"That pretty much brought out that little part of me that
is 110% PURE EVIL. Some of you KNOW how evil I can be when I'm provoked, so you'll
relate to this. I turned to the little boy and rapidly asked him if his daddy was
here at Taco Bell. The boy nodded and said 'yeah', smiling with that ignorant
redneck child smile. I sighed and kneeled, squatting and bending at my knees.
I asked the boy if he would ask his daddy something for me. The little boy shuffled
his feet again and nodded, looking up and smiling, saying 'yeah...'."
Year of Living Dangerously-
was a dark and stormy night..." I've always wanted to start a story off with
those seven words. That particular introduction is so old and used that
it's become quite cliché, even comical and I never expected that those seven words would
ever be the actual beginning of a personal story that would last over five years and still
be going strong after that. It was a dark and stormy night late in October,
1997, when this strange journey began, and like most simple travelers who embark on a
long, strange journey, it wasn't by choice.
But then again, Fate never was much into asking permission of those she weaves into her
- Requiem For A Fallen Horse-
(1999) "This horse and I, we are moving at two hundred and forty two feet per
second, per heartbeat. Nine tenths of a foot per second per revolution per minute. Complex
strings of numbers, formulas, and the basic laws of physics are all around me, swirling in
the tempest that surrounds my headlong flight into oblivion. It's a physicists fantasy, a
mathematician's dream, a engineer's exaltation, and a simple pilgrim's footsteps.
- A Trip to Hooters-
Saturday was a long day. I had to help move my
partner Jeff down to Moss Point for his new job with the MPPD. You have to understand, Jeff is perhaps one of the finest
tactical officers around. He's also about five foot eight. It is a fact that
if God had made Jeff just two inches taller, Jeff would have already taken over the world
by now. Thank goodness for small favors. No pun intended."
(2005) "Yeah, it's electric." I
shouted back. "I got it over at the Honda dealer, at
the part where they sell the electric generators and stuff." This was getting
good and deep and that's when I decided to reel him in for all I was
good for and all he was worth. "She's got a four
kilowatt Takahashi electric bi-polar generator."
The scoggin nodded in mock understanding. He
couldn't know what I was
talking about since I was making it up on the fly as I went.
(2005) "She sees the word "computer network hub" and freaks! I mean she freaks like
she's a bank teller and I've just handed her a stick up note.
"You need to take this to TECHNOLOGY!" she growls,
a few bubbles of spit flying out at me but fortunately not having enough muzzle velocity
to reach their intended target."
OFFICE DEsPOT 2: The Monobrow Cowboy" - (2006) "
... business owners
and managers alike were begging, literally begging for any help
they could find. There is an old saying; “beggars can’t be choosers” and when
it comes to employees, I was about to find out the
hard way just how true that saying really is."
"You will always be blue collar, Christopher Shields.
Always." - (2012) "It was Friday night, March 13, 1992 and these were the
very last words ever spoken to me by Katrice Watkins as she stepped out of my red '88 Corvette and walked away forever.
Like most of the things she had told me while we were dating this bit from her would also
never come to pass."
- Aphrodite (with a side
of fries) -
(2013) - "Millions of years of evolution kick in, lizard brain forgets the Krystal
burger that he was eating and with no good manners stares, no, gawks at this
red headed Amazon goddess as she turns and walks past me. An instant
instinct passes through me … club this woman on the head, drag her by her
hair back to my cave and start a new race of IT administrating Neanderthals
with her. The instinct is so tangible that it is almost made physical."
- Top 20 General Rules for Successful Relationships - (2013) - "If you want to avoid a whole hell of a lot of misery
in your life then print these rules out, staple or tape them up where
you can reference them and commit your social life to following
them. If you do, you'll be a lot happier. Trust me.
Also be aware that while these rules are set in stone the use of
excessive alcohol and / or illicit drugs may make these rules (in
hindsight) seem flexible, especially while you are under the influence
of said alcohol or illicit drugs. Be warned! These rules
flexible. If you bend them (or worse, break them!) then prepare
to pay the consequences that come with your decision to do so."
The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment
life is to live dangerously!" - Nietsche
- Pron of yore - Did
you ever find porn in the woods when you were young? I did ...
many times! Maybe there are porn fairies or something.
- The Bio of
BLACK ECHO- Everything you wanted to know about me,
more or less, ... like you cared.
- Why People From Lamar, Jones, Jackson, and Harrison County, MS Should
Never Be Allowed To Drive On Paved Roads- one of my more intense web-rants from years
ago. I don't really have to worry about anyone
locally finding out about it though, people from these four counties are, by
and large, illiterate and think that electricity is powerful magic.
- You might drive like you’re from Lamar,
Jones, Jackson, and Harrison County, MS if…
If you've read the above article, this bit needs no introduction.
Ever mess with people's minds, you know, just because you can? -
have, every chance I get.
The World's Dumbest Comic Book.. -
Presenting the world's first professional football player with super powers.
It gets dumber. Trust me, it gets a whole lot dumber.
- Office Humor-
my early years as an IT professional.
On the road
shorts and photos of the ridiculous
crap I see...
- The best of the small
town newspaper 'for sale' section- What a rich source of humor; inbred hill scoggins
trying to sell cars in local newspapers.
- The Ghetto-Stang...
A good reason why it should be against the law
for decent, God fearing white boys to
listen to (c)rap music.
- The Other
Ghetto-Stang... Because one is just not enough. The world needs more
might be a Ricer if... - the
Rice- feedback via email to me regarding the above list, and my response
to that feedback. It seems that some ricers got their little itty bitty
feelings hurt. Awwww.... they're so cute with their Pokemon
themed Honda Civic.
When you can tell someone is serious about show, and knows nothing about performance.
- You might not be riding a
motorcycle if... "Your windshield is three feet wide and four feet
tall." and other classics.
- You might be a SQUID if...-
"You have a fuel injected bike with DynoJet / Factory Jet kit stickers"
- Make The Dealer Pay For Advertising On Your New Car-
It's not like
you owe them anything and they're not doing you any favors. Face it, the dealer wants
as much of your money as they can get. Here's how to get some of your money back ...
"Wealth I ask not,
hope nor love, nor a friend to know me, all I seek, the heaven
above and the
road below me."
-Robert Louis Stevenson, "The
Third Gen F-body Related Stories
(circa 1990 to present)
the Third Generation- Just some recollections and musings on my
teenage years and of living in the time when dinosaurs still cruised the
Earth. Ten long years, from 1982 to 1992, the life and death of the
third gen F-body and I lived through those years as a sports car crazed
teenage performance junky.
of the 3rdGen Pontiac Firebird Formula-
Pontiac's answer to the Ford Mustang LX 5.0 was a muscle car in its own right
and pulled no punches on the street.
Medical Research for Ford Owners- Ah, the much
'Horse Whipper' post ...
- First Blood- The Lingenfelter
406 motor's first kill! A new black LS1 Z28!
- Thank God For
The WS6 Suspension- A little bit of skill and a lot of luck in a Formula vs. 18
wheeler encounter on a back county two lane.
- Black Echo Gots Much
Bass!- You just have to read this one... if you hate people who think a 500 watt
stereo is a 'performance mod.'
- Not A Good Day For Mustangs...
Unbelievable, two examples of why any sports car should only be sold after the buyer
passes an IQ test.
- What A Morning!-
the simple fact that money can't buy brains...
- 4th Gen Owner
Pays For His Arrogance- Proving once again the simple fact that money can't buy
Young Grasshopper... Your Kung Fu is no good ! -Well,
there was this clueless ricer named Rob who ...
- In Search Of... The Ultra Low
Production Fourth Gen Formula Trans-Am - Is it a Formula? Is it a
Trans-Am? It's both! That would make this a
"Transmula" or a "Formula-Am," I think...
- I Met Barbie's(tm) Mother Yesterday...
And you thought that Beowulf had it tough when he faced Grendel's mother...
for Brains- Well, there
was me, a riced-out Mitsubishi
Eclipse, and a state trooper...
- The 295 horsepower stock LG4-
"Well, they put it on the computer and he asked if the
motor was "stock." The Pontiac technician looked at the computer and said that according
to the computer, the motor was putting out 295 horsepower and that it was factory.
They must have made a mistake at the factory..."
- Everything I needed to
know about life I learned from 3rdGen owners- proving that the ability to pick
up a tool is not always a clear indicator that you are a higher form of life.
Just ask the monkeys who drive third gen F-bodies. Or better yet, don't
ask them anything unless it's about professional wrestling, NASCAR or
Pontiac GTP Related Stories (circa
1999 to 2005)
- Pontiac GTP vs. BMW 328i-
Poindexter in his Bimmer learned not to mess with the Dark One.
- 'Twas The
Night Before Christmas- GTP vs. a ricer, classic remix with kudos to the original
- Pontiac GTP vs. 9 second Chevy
Blazer - "It runs 9s in the quarter, in four wheel drive, with all four
wheels burning rubber all the way down the track..."
Yeah, right... Sure it does, Sparky.
GTP vs. RS Camaro-
Well, the situations you get yourself into when you have a supercharger
and the other guy doesn't ...
Turn- Payback is hell, but only if you're on the receiving end.
“Awesome job, compadre.” I said
sarcastically, giving him a thumbs up with my gloved right hand.
Autozone Related Stories
"As Seen on WWW.CUSTOMERSSUCK.COM
"Sometime during the
night we must have knocked the ash tray off of the end table
beside the bed. Cigarette butts were spread out across the floor like
casings at a crime scene but the only crime that had been committed here was
Joy and I had waited for two years to do what we had spent most of last night
- Christopher T.
Shields - Stereodyssey - Tales from the Driver's Seat -
Book 2: 1992 - Pulling Cowboy For Joy
"Sometimes cold air
can smell like far off candy and the feel of wet rust
under your fingertips can remind you of a love gone bad long ago."
- Christopher T.
Shields - The Tetanus Diary